Is it okay to hook- up with someone whilst in the beginning stages of seeing someone

October 10, 2012

Sorry but multi-dating and trying to save face with a guy who may want a relationship while banging someone else isn't the same thing.

The thing is... I don't see that this is a "relationship" per se. A relationship, a committed regular dating relationship is something people agree to actively after dating for a while. While "dating" people can date other people.

Then they have the exclusivity talk and agree to not see other people and only see eachother. At that point you are in a relationship.

Right now she is just dating this guy. They have been on three dates. IDK but after two or three dates you know if there is any chemistry there.

The guy she's dating is going to end up like Bryan in this clip and he will learn a lesson.

OP this man is not meeting your needs. Your early 30's, the time for games is over. Mama's putting an empty picture frame on her desk that says "Grandkids" and saying "Oh don't worry about having children honey."

Find someone who can give you what you want.

TL;DR Going on three dates with someone does not make them your spouse or make you owe them fidelity. Only talking about a commitment and taking concrete actions in the direction of marriage do that.

October 10, 2012

The thing is... I don't see that this is a "relationship" per se. A relationship, a committed regular dating relationship is something people agree to actively after dating for a while. While "dating" people can date other people.

Then they have the exclusivity talk and agree to not see other people and only see eachother. At that point you are in a relationship.

Right now she is just dating this guy. They have been on three dates. IDK but after two or three dates you know if there is any chemistry there.

The guy she's dating is going to end up like Bryan in this clip and he will learn a lesson.

OP this man is not meeting your needs. Your early 30's, the time for games is over. Mama's putting an empty picture frame on her desk that says "Grandkids" and saying "Oh don't worry about having children honey."

Find someone who can give you what you want.

TL;DR Going on three dates with someone does not make them your spouse or make you owe them fidelity. Only talking about a commitment and taking concrete actions in the direction of marriage do that.

No I am not saying she is in a relationship or should treat it as such.

October 10, 2012

But you don't approve of her seeing someone else and possibly having sex on the first date.

October 10, 2012

are you THAT horny? It's only been a month lol. I'm guessing you aren't that into this guy if you are desiring sex with others.

I agree.

I know after a month if I am into a guy or not.

After a month I would be too attached to see other people.

Your dating him; after a month, if you do not know where it is going or if our into him, I would seriously move on.

October 10, 2012

You simply can't be into this guy and be asking this question. Stop the wishy washing, realize that he's not "getting it done" for you, and move on.

Damn... You guys sound like brother and sister hanging out planning Mom's retirement party.

October 10, 2012

But you don't approve of her seeing someone else and possibly having sex on the first date.

Well it doesn't seem as if she is planning to date the guy who she is thinking about sleeping with. Plus if she as multidating - she probably wouldn't go on a first date with the intention of sleeping with the guy. Dating different people and sleeping with different people isn't the same thing to me.

Anyway she isn't committed to this guy so she can get sex on the side if she like. However I don't see why she would seek it else where when she didn't try with this guy and she obvously likes him. Why wait for him to make a move? If she thinks he is taking to long she should move on like in Family Guy. She shouldn't continue to lead Brian on with dates.

October 10, 2012

What's the difference? I'm seriously asking.

The way it tends to work with people I know...you casually date and are assumed to be dating (or whatever else) until you have "the talk" and are in a relationship.

Casually dating more than one person at a time is normal, IMO. But if you really find you LIKE one of them, I think it would be a wise move to forgo having sex with a different person while in the midst of checking out where things are going.

I don't think that, in general, people who are seriously seeking a relationship are having casual sex with different people while on their search.

October 10, 2012

However I don't see why she would seek it else where when she didn't try with this guy and she obvously likes him. Why wait for him to make a move?

This guy I think is on some kind of a trip for a while. Second he's had his chance to make a physical move. I'm not that into women and even I know you have to make a physical move.

October 10, 2012

This guy I think is on some kind of a trip for a while. Second he's had his chance to make a physical move. I'm not that into women and even I know you have to make a physical move.

Yeah... then again she probably isn't giving him any leads or that is not his style, which is understandable.

October 10, 2012

Yeah... then again she probably isn't giving him any leads or that is not his style, which is understandable.

She's gone on three dates with him and he hasn't even tried to kiss her? Those dates were his leads. Either he's not that into her or she's not that into him. Something just isn't clicking there.

October 10, 2012

She's gone on three dates with him and he hasn't even tried to kiss her? Those dates were his leads. Either he's not that into her or she's not that into him. Something just isn't clicking there.

The thing is- this guy is quality- he is the type of person I could forsee a future with. I do think he's shy so I do think the kiss will take a while as will sex and i'm willing to wait that out if things progress positively.

On the other hand, we haven't had any conversations about exclusivity and I consider myself single still. Yes he stays in touch regularly etc. but it hasn't progressed past the initial getting to know each other dates.

So I am thinking- if he's quality, if we're taking it slow, it has the potential to become something... So... should i take advantage of the fact that i'm still "single" and see other people that may just be more of a fling and more physical.

That is my dilema.

However, my ethical self- agrees with the sentiment that if he's quality I shouldn't mess this up.

However my frustrated side thinks perhaps this is my last opportunity to have a bit of fun before settling down.

I think i have my answer but it was interesting to read the different opinions on this matter and I think there were some pretty valid points.

None the less- for the men... make a move.. if you like a girl.. kiss her at least to "mark your territory"... I'm sure I wouldn't be having this dilema if there had at least been a little physical contact...

October 10, 2012

Casually dating more than one person at a time is normal, IMO. But if you really find you LIKE one of them, I think it would be a wise move to forgo having sex with a different person while in the midst of checking out where things are going.

I don't think that, in general, people who are seriously seeking a relationship are having casual sex with different people while on their search.

Interesting...

I don't want to derail this thread, so I'll just make a new one about this subject.

OP, have you tried being affectionate with this guy? Not like, throwing yourself at him but just you know...holding hands or hugging? Or maybe kissing him on the cheek?

Maybe he's really inexperienced with women.

October 10, 2012

I met my partner and we were not sure abaout each other right away. We had a good feeling, but were very different people; on different planets.

I had a more suitable guy pursue me, everything I wanted in a guy. We met, he was interested, but I simply could.... not try him out, while I also put my boyfriend on " trial"

It made perfect SENSE to do it. In THEORY I KNEW it made more sense to see other people until I knew what I really wanted.

I am not sure why, but it just was not in me to do it.

Like wise with my partner. A week after meeting, he went to the city and kissed a girl. He felt bad and walked away from it.

Sometimes it just feels "off" to try other people out, when your with a certain person.

It may be different for me next time around; maybe I will be with a guy where after a couple of dates, I will still be able to check out other options. Or maybe I will only attract and be drawn to men who are into me, don't want to see other women, and where I also feel the same.

I do not judge multi daters. In theory it is the right thing to do. But we never know how we will be with every person we come across in our dating life.

October 10, 2012

I can see how it can look bad actually.

Your just getting to know someone, you like them enough to see them again, and you find out they saw other people.

I can see why one could think " really? Your that horny or bored in your life that you have to see multiple people, rather than spend a short time getting to know wheather you like me enough to date?"

..................It does not take long to figure out if your really into a person and want to be exclusive, I should think?

I personally do not need more than one man in my life.... I would rather be occupied enough with life, so as to not need to trial multiple men at once.................

October 10, 2012

The thing is- this guy is quality- he is the type of person I could forsee a future with. I do think he's shy so I do think the kiss will take a while as will sex and i'm willing to wait that out if things progress positively.

On the other hand, we haven't had any conversations about exclusivity and I consider myself single still. Yes he stays in touch regularly etc. but it hasn't progressed past the initial getting to know each other dates.

So I am thinking- if he's quality, if we're taking it slow, it has the potential to become something... So... should i take advantage of the fact that i'm still "single" and see other people that may just be more of a fling and more physical.

That is my dilema.

However, my ethical self- agrees with the sentiment that if he's quality I shouldn't mess this up.

However my frustrated side thinks perhaps this is my last opportunity to have a bit of fun before settling down.

I think i have my answer but it was interesting to read the different opinions on this matter and I think there were some pretty valid points.

None the less- for the men... make a move.. if you like a girl.. kiss her at least to "mark your territory"... I'm sure I wouldn't be having this dilema if there had at least been a little physical contact...

Try putting yourself in his shoes. Would you like to know if the girl you are dating and with whom you have been a "gentleman" is screwing around someone else? This is a simple intellectual exercise that most people don't seem to like/be able to do.

Also, I would bet my life that if he is a gentleman, he is most likely wishing that you reciprocate that same trait by being a lady. He most likely rationally knows that you have no obligation to do it but if you indeed are in the same page, then you reciprocate that type of approach. The problem here is that you are not reciprocating in the least. Are you infatuated (and physically attracted) by him as a person or is it the gentleman-like attitudes that pull you in? Those attitudes by themselves are nothing, i would say. They are endearing, yes but they are secondary.

Another point that you brought up here is: You have no problem in doing a one night stand, yet you are shy in approaching him for a kiss?! This seems to incoherent to me! He is not that physically attractive to you, is he?

On a more personal note, all this focus on "the talk" always sounds so contratualistic to me! And being so rational like this seems to me to be such a bleak view of relationships. Call me an idealist, but really... In the current situation of the OP, i would say that if she is having these thoughts, then i don't see much future in it. At this stage, shouldn't the OP be at least "lovestruck"?

October 10, 2012

If the guy is like me he will kick you out. I did that a couple of days ago to a girl that decided that I am the guy for her in her mind, but I found out a few days ago that she was sleeping around (you know the last little bit of fun). Yeah, right. I am the one for you and while I am waiting for you, you sleep around. Nice. So, what am I? Your pimp? It is painful for me as well, but I had to let her go.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Later82012

October 10, 2012

You say this is a quality guy you can see yourself with.

Would you be okay if he dumped you if he found out you were sleeping with other people?

Cause that's a definite possibility. Maybe he wouldn't care, but considering he seems to like to take things slowly, he probably would care and not like it.

Yeah you're single, so it's perfectly in your right to sleep with whoever you want to sleep with, but hopefully you understand that he may not be cool with that and maybe wouldn't want to see you anymore if he found out you were banging some other guy while dating him.

October 10, 2012

So started seeing someone about a month ago... We've hung out three times mainly b/c he was out of town for a few weeks in the middle. He's a gentleman. Not sure where its going to go if anywhere. No kiss yet ....

So here's my question ... Is it okay to hook up with someone else to fulfill my physical needs in the meanwhile- given me and guy #1 haven't had any exclusivity talks yet let alone a kiss.... Thoughts?

Usually we get a better sense of ourselves if we turn the question around. How would you feel if this man was sleeping with other women while dating you respectfully and gentlemanly?

Clearly this guy treats you well. Not sure why you would want to go and sleep with someone else. Unless you aren't all that into this guy despite how nicely he treats you. Which is fine. Not everyone that treats us well is going to be our soulmate.

You also said you haven't had sex in a while. Is waiting a little longer to see where it goes with this guy really that difficult?

I think it's a bad idea and I think it's kind of crappy actually.

October 10, 2012

kind of scary reading this I guess you really do need to have sex by the third date or the girl you are seeing is going to go to another guy. Which if this is true, if one day I can start getting to the point I can have 2nd and 3rd dates and being the virgin guy who wants to take things slowly I may still luck out.

October 10, 2012

kind of scary reading this I guess you really do need to have sex by the third date or the girl you are seeing is going to go to another guy. Which if this is true, if one day I can start getting to the point I can have 2nd and 3rd dates and being the virgin guy who wants to take things slowly I may still luck out.

Yeah, seems you got to move fast these days because it's what girls expect.

Sex also seems to mean so little to them now.

October 10, 2012

Women today know their role better than they ever have.

October 10, 2012

No kiss yet? Do what you want.

October 10, 2012

It's true you're not technically cheating on him, but technicalities aside...to me, it sounds like a crappy thing to do. It's clear from what you wrote that this is not a friends with benefits situation where you both understand that there are no ties - you say you're seeing where things are going, that he's a gentleman, and that he was out of town a lot. All sounds promising. And yet you can't wait more than a month to get physical? For real??

Bottom line, if I guy I was starting to see gave me this argument, I'd lose interest immediately. If he told me he just needs to "get his needs met" while seeing what happens with me that would be a complete turnoff - he just wouldn't be the sort of person I'd want to be with. I sure wouldn't look at him the same way. Any chance this guy might feel that way?

Also...blah blah blee to the "see, this is how the gurlz are" Greek chorus. She's one person. God how I wish people on LS would treat advice queries as individual questions and answer accordingly.

Edited October 10, 2012 by serial muse

October 10, 2012

Yeah, seems you got to move fast these days because it's what girls expect.

Sex also seems to mean so little to them now.

Maybe to "her", not to all of us!

October 10, 2012

Now, I don't think about 'what if the other person does that to me, how would I feel?'

It might satisfy my moral dilemma but it has nothing to do with what the other person will do. (I can't control)

Say, I have this girl. We met several times and it is going well. Obviously, I will be less motivated to hit on other girls. But if the opportunity comes along, I won't hesitate bang another chick. Of course she might be doing the same thing. Do I have control over what she will do?

What if I talk about 'relationship' in early stage? what are the chance she would say 'we need more time'. What if I tell her 'I really like you, let's be exclusive', would she happily agree or think I am too into her and lose interest?

Bottom line, I wouldn't cockblock myself by thinking 'oh she is the one, I should be faithful to her'.

I am sure a lot of guys will agree 'when you think she is the special one and treat her special, it will always go wrong'

(you stopped meeting other chicks for her before or after the relationship. Did it make your relationship stronger????)

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Is it okay to hook- up with someone whilst in the beginning stages of seeing someone

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