No1_ImPoRtAnT_2U Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Is it ok for your partner to never buy you anything? Never even little gifts, never offer you money for anything? I don't pay for his either or give him money but I'm wondering if this is normal for a guy not to want to pay for anything. I know he doesn't make much money, has normal bills and all but honestly is this normal?
Wellnowuknow Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 It depends how long have you guys been together?
Leikela Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 People have different ways of behaving within a relationship. I grew up being used to guys buying me little gifts or offering me money if I needed it. However, I do the same for my guy too. It's a two way street. I think in American culture (assuming you're in the US?) it's the norm to have a guy treat you on dates and when exclusive buy you little gifts, etc... Even if he doesn't have any money, he could make you a card or write you a simple note to say he's thinking about you. Stuff like that...
MorningRose Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I've always admired guys who say yes to Dutch treats... But to actually not offer to pay for anything? I think it's part of the dating process - men somehow "trying" to impress women through luxirious dinners and be willing to pay. But to actually dutch treat without even asking the women's preference??? Oh and yes, you might want to offer paying for dinner once so often.
No1_ImPoRtAnT_2U Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 We have been together 2 years, I'm american he's mexican. He payed for small things before but over time it ceased. We don't go out much where he really has to pay nor do I, we hang out mainly, we don't do eat out, go to movies, do anything like that, we eat in our own homes and just spend about 9 hours a night together. It has never came up but reading through this posts made me wonder if maybe this is something I should be concerned about.
dudesomewhere Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 hey, I don't want to say much but that last comment really makes it humorous for me, lol
joel Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 i don;t now but the guys sounds normal to me. personally i don;t want a gold digger. go out is $$ and if u expect him to pay all the time then ur a mooch sorry. no every week a guy or myself has money women have to accept this. as for gifts what do u want. flowers are $$ like a case is like 15-30 bucks. i thought love don;t cost a thing lol well it does
No1_ImPoRtAnT_2U Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Why does it make you laugh dudesomewhere? I was being honest. Also I'm not a mooch nor do I want cheesy same ole same ole flowers, I was just wondering if it was normal that we stay at home and don't go out and do things. I don't think someone spending money on flowers shows they care, what would be better is them picking a pretty flower and bringing it, putting it in my hair and telling me I'm beautiful! That would be nice and wonderful and romantic. Love doesn't cost anything at all but since so many people have this notion of what's normal in dating such as going out to the movies, to the mall, and to go to fancy places to eat, I was afraid maybe I wasn't being appreciated or something. I know this probably sounds stupid but I was just wanting to know what other people thought about this.
Fayebelle Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Does he make other kind gestures that don't cost $? You know like breakfast in bed, leave you nice notes, tape programs you like but have to miss....
Melissa7611 Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 i don't necessarily think it is that weird. I mean i can understand him maybe not being able to afford to go out much...but once in a while doesn't kill anyone. even going out to a movie isn't that bad. or just grabbing a pizza. i don't know what to tell you. i would want a guy to spend money on me sometimes. not lots. but it goes both ways. i like to treat the person i'm dating with too. i'm not rich, but even buying an ice cream for the person your with is not a big deal. if i were you, i'd ask him nicely...how about grabbing a bite to eat? see what he says. you've already invested 2 years with him...has it just started bothering you now?
joel Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 well maybe he's not making a lot of $$ what does he do and how old is he. fancy places to eat are like for rich ppl go find a rich man. women these days u take em out to a 3 star restaurant they want 5 star. u bring one flower the want a basket . women these days don;t even pay their own way just want the man to pay for everything -telling ya relationship is expensive hobby .just appecriate it and don;t expect it. i don;t mind spending on the ice cream or pizza but its the $$ things like fancy dinners, $$ stuff i get pissed. a swap is the best policy for both members. you should just dump the guy and say ur just a poor guy and i like rich men that buy me material things. Originally posted by No1_ImPoRtAnT_2U Why does it make you laugh dudesomewhere? I was being honest. Also I'm not a mooch nor do I want cheesy same ole same ole flowers, I was just wondering if it was normal that we stay at home and don't go out and do things. I don't think someone spending money on flowers shows they care, what would be better is them picking a pretty flower and bringing it, putting it in my hair and telling me I'm beautiful! That would be nice and wonderful and romantic. Love doesn't cost anything at all but since so many people have this notion of what's normal in dating such as going out to the movies, to the mall, and to go to fancy places to eat, I was afraid maybe I wasn't being appreciated or something. I know this probably sounds stupid but I was just wanting to know what other people thought about this.
YellowLioness Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Girlie, I don't think you're being a mooch or materialistic at all. IMHO, I think that it should be a two way street. No one person should have to pay for every thing all the time. I used to do that when my man was in college. It was rough, but now he's working and helping out. I had to pay for gas to see him, anything we did, movies, etc. He felt bad that he couldn't do more for me. Personally, I think that both partners should have that attitude. Now that things are equal (we take turns on paying) things between us are much better. Joel... hon, are you telling me that you make a girl pay for everything when you go on a date with her? That you don't even go Dutch? I don't think she's a gold digger at all. Anyone would feel this way after having to pay for everything for two years.
joel Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 swap meaning i pay for movie u pay for pop corn and drinks, i pay dinner this time next time u pay that is what a swap is. even i have a problem if the gal i was with insisted on paying every time and all the time and i have a problem if i had to pay all the time. we now guys aren';t as lucky as gals we can';t make gals pay for us but gals can make us pay for em. Originally posted by YellowLioness Girlie, I don't think you're being a mooch or materialistic at all. IMHO, I think that it should be a two way street. No one person should have to pay for every thing all the time. I used to do that when my man was in college. It was rough, but now he's working and helping out. I had to pay for gas to see him, anything we did, movies, etc. He felt bad that he couldn't do more for me. Personally, I think that both partners should have that attitude. Now that things are equal (we take turns on paying) things between us are much better. Joel... hon, are you telling me that you make a girl pay for everything when you go on a date with her? That you don't even go Dutch? I don't think she's a gold digger at all. Anyone would feel this way after having to pay for everything for two years.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 interesting topic i just came across... isn't it strange how in the present day of womens independence that most girls still want us guys most of the time to pay for the cinema/ restaurants etc. etc. i agree with Joel that nowadays a swap is the best policy... you get one ... i get one now my recent ex said one of the reasons i 'mistreated' her was that my christmas present to her was terrible. she phoned me once after 3 months dating to vehemently complain that i didn't pay her into the cinema, although i bought all the popcorn and **** now this girl earned a lot more money than me at this present time, she lives in her parents, i have a house to myself, she used to stay here 2-3-4 nights per week, i made her fancy dinners, bought bottles of wine, the first time she stayed here she got breakfast in bed and did so many many times after this, she was going to buy a house so i negotiated with her builder that she wasn't getting shafted and did many many more things for her ( that didn't cost much but showed that HEY YOU ARE MY WOMAN AND I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! ), was teaching her guitar etc. etc. etc. ps i gotta stop blaming myself here for this breakup, what do you think loveshackers?
Elvira Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong now my recent ex said one of the reasons i 'mistreated' her was that my christmas present to her was terrible. she phoned me once after 3 months dating to vehemently complain that i didn't pay her into the cinema, although i bought all the popcorn and **** Hey BrainRightHeartWrong, I've been reading some of your posts and look, you don't seem the type to mistreat people. I figure that sometimes when people break up, instead of saying what's on their minds, they say whatever nonesense. This sucks, though, 'cause sadly, it is hard to be generous with a significant other if you become afraid that they'll belittle it if and when a breakup occurs. Now that I'm working, I'm usually more comfortable going double dutch when dating. But as a relationship progresses, the poor guy has to get that I prefer more of a swap thing. For some reason I feel put off if I have to mention 'hey, you pay this tab, I'll pay the next'. In my heart of hearts, I know that if a guy truly wants to be serious, the way to do it is to resort to romance and gallantry, the wine and dine stuff and everything. But like I wouldn't be caught dead saying it. Some guys get it, some guys don't. This isn't to say I'm a gold digger, I would delight in finding novel and wonderful ways to reciprocate. If I like a guy who doesn't get the principle, than I suppose I have to initiate the whole pampering routine. I haven't been down this road yet, but never say never. I figure that in any relationship, it is better to be more generous with everything: time, resources and love
Zoot Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Dating isn't a Swap Meet. The original intention of dating was for a guy to provine to a girl that he can 'provide' for a family. If he can't afford to date you - he can't afford to feed you or a family. I'm not suggesting he pay for everything once the relationship is in place - but if he can't swing a decent dinner out - I wouldn't pick him for a mate. It means he's either really cheap - or really a loser. People will claim different and make liberal excuses - but this is the point that is bothering you - and bothering you for good reason. Maybe it's all supposed to be 50/50, 100/100 or whatever. But the bottom line is that a female expects a man to be a provider. If he ISN'T - he can use every excuse in the book - but he's still a loser.
very-confused-girl Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 To certain extent I agree with Zoot. I come from Czech republic we do have different culture here. Feminism hasnt taken over here and generally women get paid way less than men even when they have exactly the same profession. In our country it is more like that woman sometimes dont work all their lives but stay at home with kids and men are the one who take care of the family. So in my life, eventhough I am trying to get some education by going to university with the aim to get some well-paid job later, I am still (subconciously or consiously) looking for a man who can take care of me and our potential future family. My exboyfriends were students and sometimes I had the money and paid for stuff, sometimes they had money and paid for stuff, never argued with them about money. Lots of my male friends would never let me pay for them and not even for myself. If I go out with a male friend who is a student I would never want him to pay for me, its either a swap of that this time I pay and he pays next time. So I think that in my case the issue is whether the guy is a student or not. If he has a good job (and I am still a student) he should pay for most of the stuff. Now my recent boyfriend is older, he is not a student anymore and he pays for absolutely everything. At the beginning it was very hard for me to accept that because I feel embaraced, especially because I cant afford to buy him stuff he buys me. But in the end, love is not about money. If he wants to buy me stuff, he is going to do it unconditionally and he knows I can afford to buy him the same. So I am pleasing him in a different way - sometimes I buy him little gift, pay for cinema, just to show I am not interested in milking him. And I can honestly say that he appreciates if sometimes I surprise him by paying for cinema. Even that I pay only oncee out of 10 or 15 times (because I am a student and cant afford more). After being with my current boyfriend I have to say I would not probably not be with a poor guy again. I mean its really a turn-on if a guy is able to take care of me. In ancient years girl was impressed by guy who could kill a mammoth and she was choosing the one who was able to kill the biggest amount of mammoths because thats how the guy was expressing ability to take care of her. Nowadays this ability of taking care of a woman is represented by money. People are always very judgemental if girls picks for her life a guy that is capable and able to make money, but I dont think its superficial, that what we were traditionally brought up to.
tattoomytoe Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 well i am having an issue with this recently. been with my bf 2 yrs. at first he did pay, he would even pick me up and take me to run errands. then we moved into together, and everything was split or we paid out own ways. which is fine, but not EVERT single time! but i do not even get b-day cards, anniversary cards....nothing! i really irks me, cause to me...that is just thoughtlessness......on our anniversary i got lunch and a rose- and he had to gho back to the gas station to get the rose cause he forgot. i guess it is more the fact that his actions seem to tell me that he could careless.
kanga Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 back to the original poster: i think it depends on the situation and everyone's is different. yes, it seems customary for the guy to pay for dates and such in the beginning, and then as the relationship progresses costs are somehow split evenly. but that doesn't mean what you've got going is wrong. perhaps you can make the first move. buy him something small to show your appreciation. myself, i'm a total giver. and if i get gifts in return, it's not because i want more stuff, it's because those gifts represent an appreciatoin of my likes and interests. perhaps you can pick a flower to give to him or make him something small. see how he reacts. i'm not familiar with mexican culture. perhaps gift giving isn't practiced.
Hund1976 Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 I think its less of an money issue and more of a taking someone for granted issue. If the guy used to get you flowers and do sweet things for you and has stopped it might be because he is used to you being around and doesn't think he needs to do anything to keep you there. I know there are some girls out there who expect you to buy them whatever I want. Earlier I was planning to go to Germany to visit my family and my girlfriend got mad that I didn't want to pay for her to go with me. I have more money then she does so it wouldn't put me in the poorhouse to bring her. But I basically was just planning on going over and staying with family members the majority of the time which would basically just cost me airfare. However most of my family members speak very little English so my girlfriend didn't want to hang out with them and instead wanted me to take her sightseeing around Europe which would equate to a lot more money (2 Airfares, hotels, meals, trains, rental car, etc) Just in case you all think I'm a scrooge I am taking her on a cruise next week that I paid for. I don't mind paying for some stuff but it annoys me when people demand that I pay.
kanga Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Woah! Hund, wth? She wanted you to take her on a tour of Europe and such. Geesh! Sorry, but I think that's pretty demanding on her part. I'm really shocked the by behavior of some of the women I encounter. Maybe it's just me.
joey13675 Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 Well I have dated 3 different types of women. A foriegn woman, in which I always paid. This was completely fine. She wasnt indoctrinated with feminism, and she cooked for me everyday, gave me massages, cared for me, respected me. Then I dated an American woman, in which everything was 50 50. Money never was an issue. She never cooked, or went out of her way, but she paid her half, and never expected for me to pay everything, as I always did many more things to help her. Then I dated the worst type of all. The American woman who was an extreme feminist, so she would never cook, clean, give me a massage etc . She also expected me to pay 100% of the time, and would complain that we didnt go to enough 4 and 5 star restaurants. To me, this type is completely useless. I think the major problem men have isnt paying, it is that they are paying for a pseudo man, in a woman's body, that speaks of equality day and night, except when it comes to go out, or pay bills. So many women have such a chip on their shoulder, that they want to act like men, yet also put down a man for not taking them enough places.
Hund1976 Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 I hear you brother! There are a lot of women out there who want all the advantages of being a man and none of the disadvantages. I've had girls in bars that I have never spoke to walk up to me and ask me to buy them a drink, then when I said no I've seen them walk right up to the next guy and ask him until they got their free drink. If a girl wants to stay home and cook and clean then the man should pay for everything. But if she wants to have a career and then split the chores at home then she should also split the bills.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 i brought a girl out on a date one night ( after initially going with her absolutely drunk one night as we do in Ireland )... i paid her into the nightclub we went to... i bought six rounds of drinks for us... she never once offered to buy one back... i never bothered with her again... what a turn off!
kanga Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 ooohh, that's terrible. i'm pretty baffled by women who never pay. and if i were a guy, i think it'd be a real dealbreaker.
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