SecretFlower Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Thank you secret flower. How did you manage to end it? How long did it take to get over it? What happened when he followed you? I have a feeling that will happen even when I change my number. He knows where my apartment is and where my friends are. He will find me if he wants to and I think he might..... I didn't end it. I continued the affair for years. Trust me, don't do what I did. I got back together with him and thought I could have it all until I didn't anymore and I got over him by throwing myself into another relationship. For countless reasons this was not the right decision. If you are done then you need to make it clear to him and yourself that it is over. If he stalks or threatens you then you need to look into a RO. Most of all you need to be sure in your decision. I broke up with my ex-mm several times and it took that final fight to truly force me to end it. Stick to your guns and you can do it. He can find you, but you don't have to let him in. 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Change your phone number and stop taking his calls. He is telling you what you want to hear - that he loves you and misses you. If he did, he never would have slept with his wife recently. You are not ready to let him go. You feel sorry for him? You don't want HIM to hurt? So you don't give a damn what he does to you, as long as HE doesn't hurt? He has got you right where he wants you. I would bet you continue to be the OW, blaming his wife for all his troubles instead of focusing on what HE has done and what he HASN'T done. I am amazed at your ability to not see what is right in front of you. He is a liar, a coward and a cheater. What about that is attractive? You are right. I don't seem to be able to look after myself sometimes. I forget what he has done. He does not have empathy. His wife does exactly that - blames everybody except him for his behavior.... I find this disgusting and I hope I do not do it. Yes. He is the cheater and liar. He is the selfish man that I do not want in my life. I just hope he doesn't start making it a total misery when he doesn't get his way....
Author Adamgem Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 You're gonna still feel attached to him for a while...no matter how horrible he is. Good and bad habits are equally hard to break, the bad ones probably more so IME. This is where TOTAL NC comes in handy. It's painful...but it eventually serves the purpose of allowing you to detach and for your heart to catch up to what you know to be right in your head. That means NO CALLS! He isn't even saying anything sweet and apologetic...he is blaming you. Why take calls to be berated? Please change your # or don't answer any unknown numbers and block his number. You guys have nothing more to say to each other. It won't be easy, you'll still miss this POS, you will still have hope, you too will go through the spectrum of emotions from anger to what I call "false alarm indifference" (where you may wake up next month and think you absolutely don't care or you may even think you can break NC and be fine, then it comes crashing down), you will still wonder if "he can change" and all sorts of post breakup insane thoughts. I've been there and the one thing I always wished with one of my most painful, crazy-making breakups, was that I fully understood the concept of NC and could have applied it sooner. It would have saved me 2 YEARS of drama and continued attachment. It took me sooo long to get over it because I never fully closed the door on him. So believe me, closing the door FULLY on this married a-hole and his wife NOW, is the BEST thing you can do for yourself, even though it won't feel like it. *hugs* I think I need to write down all the bad things he has done both to me and his ex.... I am worried that if I completely ignore him - he will become angry and do something negative to me. I think if I can keep him calm then he is less likely to do something unpleasant....
Author Adamgem Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I didn't end it. I continued the affair for years. Trust me, don't do what I did. I got back together with him and thought I could have it all until I didn't anymore and I got over him by throwing myself into another relationship. For countless reasons this was not the right decision. If you are done then you need to make it clear to him and yourself that it is over. If he stalks or threatens you then you need to look into a RO. Most of all you need to be sure in your decision. I broke up with my ex-mm several times and it took that final fight to truly force me to end it. Stick to your guns and you can do it. He can find you, but you don't have to let him in. To be honest I have learned a lot about my weaknesses and desperation through this 'relationship'... I have not had any real attention/love for about fifteen years. Men just don't seem to like me. I felt great with him but now I realise that he was just another fake.... I hate being alone. I took his attention and affection because I was desperate. I wonder if I will spend the rest of my life alone? I know if I stayed with him. I definately would..... It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.
skywriter Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) I think I need to write down all the bad things he has done both to me and his ex.... I am worried that if I completely ignore him - he will become angry and do something negative to me. I think if I can keep him calm then he is less likely to do something unpleasant.... Adamgem, You've went through all these extreme changes because you know that it's an unhealthy, emotionally draining, dead end of a situation. Once you change that phone number, you're gonna feel bittersweet relief. Look at being alone as a positive, you get all your attention now. You can't love him enough, be patient enough, trust him enough, there isn't enough, enough . So now you get to say, I am enough. You won't be alone, when one door closes, another opens. The next one will be polar opposite and you have to believe you deserve it. But, about writing down the negatives, ...I did that, and emailed them to myself , it's great to go back and read how I was feeling and how my feelings progressed. Good idea.... Edited October 10, 2012 by skywriter 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I think I need to write down all the bad things he has done both to me and his ex.... I am worried that if I completely ignore him - he will become angry and do something negative to me. I think if I can keep him calm then he is less likely to do something unpleasant.... Adamgem, You've went through all these extreme changes because you know that it's an unhealthy, emotionally draining, dead end of a situation. Once you change that phone number, you're gonna feel bittersweet relief. Look at being alone as a positive, you get all your attention now. You can't love him enough, be patient enough, trust him enough, there isn't enough, enough . So now you get to say, I am enough. You won't be alone, when one door closes, another opens. The next one will be polar opposite and you have to believe you deserve it. But, about writing down the negatives, ...I did that, and emailed them to myself , it's great to go back and read how I was feeling and how my feelings progressed. Good idea.... Thank you. I plan to spend the next few weeks writing everything down - to get it out of my system and clarify the situation in my mind. I do not believe in RO and do not really know if that works where I am (mainland Europe).... Which laws apply in which countries etc. and besides it don't think that woud make a blind bit of difference to him.... A piece of paper. So what. My only issue now is that I think he may be vindictive when he realises I am no longer part of his life.... I worry he will do something negative to make me suffer for 'dumping him'.... he doesn't see anything wrong with what he has done!!! Get this.... he didn't cheat because he had slept with her before!!!! She was not another woman.... just his ex... no big deal!!!
skywriter Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thank you. I plan to spend the next few weeks writing everything down - to get it out of my system and clarify the situation in my mind. I do not believe in RO and do not really know if that works where I am (mainland Europe).... Which laws apply in which countries etc. and besides it don't think that woud make a blind bit of difference to him.... A piece of paper. So what. My only issue now is that I think he may be vindictive when he realises I am no longer part of his life.... I worry he will do something negative to make me suffer for 'dumping him'.... he doesn't see anything wrong with what he has done!!! Get this.... he didn't cheat because he had slept with her before!!!! She was not another woman.... just his ex... no big deal!!! You are taking things as they come, that's all you can do. Hold firm to what you believe. He will respect you even from afar, and you will be a happier well respected person for it. He's trying to control the situation, he can with his wife,that's as far as it goes. This too shall pass. I had to think of it as a lesson in life that I must need. Take what lesson you can from it and thank goodness, you are moving forward. 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 You are taking things as they come, that's all you can do. Hold firm to what you believe. He will respect you even from afar, and you will be a happier well respected person for it. He's trying to control the situation, he can with his wife,that's as far as it goes. This too shall pass. I had to think of it as a lesson in life that I must need. Take what lesson you can from it and thank goodness, you are moving forward. Thank you. Today when he called I ignored the call. When he started texting that he is going crazy and madly in love. I responded that I found that silly considering he had slept with his ex. Please leave me alone. He has not responded. Maybe I am making progress....
Owl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thank you. Today when he called I ignored the call. When he started texting that he is going crazy and madly in love. I responded that I found that silly considering he had slept with his ex. Please leave me alone. He has not responded. Maybe I am making progress.... Progress should be measured in how you remove him from your life. Block his wife's number...and get your number changed ASAP.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thank you. Today when he called I ignored the call. When he started texting that he is going crazy and madly in love. I responded that I found that silly considering he had slept with his ex. Please leave me alone. He has not responded. Maybe I am making progress.... Now do you see him offering to buy or pay for an apt for you (no strings attached, yeah right!) is his way of trying to manipulate you? Even from afar? Yes, you are making progress and I hope soon you gain the strength to change your number so you won't hear from him again. Though right now it doesn't seem like you're fully ready to cut the cord, on some level you are still addicted to him so even ignoring him you're still getting something out of it, ignoring his attempts to contact you..You still are reading what he is texting you. next time delete the text without reading it! Can you do that? 1
skywriter Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 It's as if by getting the call or text from him, it's reassuring you that you still have some part of him or some type of control over the situation. I dunno, maybe as WWIU mentioned, you aren't quite ready to cut the cord. This isn't said to make you feel bad ,because it seems you've made progress. We all have our own pace, our own tolerance level. Everyday is a process, some days bring acute pains, followed by interludes of less intense pain. Learn how to process it and never, ever, use him to medicate or process that pain. If anything, write down everything he's ever done to cause you grief, focus on the facts not the attachment.
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 No, there is no progress. You are clinging to those texts and calls even if you do not respond. You want to acknowledge he still wants you because you are in need of external validation. I understand your point in a way but for me it is a big achievement to go from answering all his calls to not... then to ignoring the texts.... a gradual withdrawal in the space of a few day...... I think you are a bit harsh. I have spent the entire day reading a book about overcoming these kinds of relationships.... unfortunately after reading the book... I start to think that maybe I am too paranoid and that I am being very harsh on him. I am not saying that his behavior is correct only that mine is not either..... in fact that is what I must work on. I feel more confused than before. I know I suffer from paranoia and have some seious trust issues. i do appreciate you thoughts anyway...
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