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Not over yet.... He called from HER number!


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Posted

So I have moved out of the house, left the country and blocked him on fb but I have not yet changed my number.

 

I know I am just addicted but I still feel terrible if he doesn't call... He did call several times today and I answered. I know I shouldn't but I found it difficult today. He is going from angry to sad to sorry and 'seems' to be experiencing every emotion possible.

 

He used her phone to call me. I know she was probably there listening to him.... He tried everything to convince me that I was the one at fault!! She was right - he hadn't been spending enough time with his famiy..... MY fault!!! How absurd. He only slept with her once!!!! When I said I wanted nothing to do with him or her as neither one of them had behaved correctly - he cheated and she threatened.... he started shouting 'it's over... it's over.... just stop... it's over'. I told him I was sure he was doing that for her benefit to make ME look like the stalker! Of course he denied this.

 

He sent me his number but I just deleted it. I also deleted her number to avoid the temptation.

 

It is all still very fresh and I have been organising many things that will be good for me but I still FEEL attached to him. I did spend 24/7 for the last 17 months with him. I had a wonderful time with him. It is very difficult to accept he is so terrible.

 

I do not know what to do to not think about him... sorry for rambling - I find it helpful to do to survive the day.

Posted

Adamgem did you move out yet? I hope so because once you get away from him you will start to heal.

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Posted

Yes. Moved house. Moved Country! Unfortunately I still have to move my head!

Posted

It's heartwrenching. So sorry your going thru this. But like most breakups only TIME will heal wounds. Lots of time!!!! Be good to yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve.

Hugs

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Posted

You won't get anywhereby keeping your phone number. Get a new one and get rid of the current one.

 

The bond you still feel is normal, but don't let it stop you from moving away from him for good. In some time you'll realize what a mess you left behind and you'll be greatful for it.

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Posted
You won't get anywhereby keeping your phone number. Get a new one and get rid of the current one.

 

The bond you still feel is normal, but don't let it stop you from moving away from him for good. In some time you'll realize what a mess you left behind and you'll be greatful for it.

 

I know. I will get a new number tomorrow. I am actually crying because he hasn't called tonight as usual. I feel like I am dying.... I know in my head it is wrong but I can't help how I FEEL.

Posted

She doesn't want him to persue her, is the damn dynamic of the situation.

 

Adamgem, you don't have the luxury of going back and leaving seven times to seven countries to be done with him. Trust us blindly that you just need to cut all possibility of contact for your own safety. It will be painful, but it's the only way.

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Posted

It will feel like dying. Don't avoid it. Just go with the pain, and I can tell you that in one month the dying feeling lessens.

 

He will not offer you any relief, no matter how much you try. Let go.

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Posted
She doesn't want him to persue her, is the damn dynamic of the situation.

 

Adamgem, you don't have the luxury of going back and leaving seven times to seven countries to be done with him. Trust us blindly that you just need to cut all possibility of contact for your own safety. It will be painful, but it's the only way.

 

I know this too. But I feel that I am being extremely cruel to him. He has, afterall, spent the last year introducing me to his famiy and close friends as his new girlfriend... He has spend ever day with me and his life has suddenly been changed. He has lost his closest empoyee. I have left him in a mess and he is very upset. I still love him and I know he will miss me as much as I miss him. I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I am not even able to talk to my friends I feel so distraught.

Posted

Hi Adamgem,

 

I know what you're going through. I once moved out pretty much without telling my ex-mm to a different state, because I thought I would clear my head and that distance would end our relationship only for him to literally follow me there. It is harder than just changing your number. You just have to stay strong and realize that for you continuing the relationship is not healthy and you have to realize you can move on even if he is upset or hurt.

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Posted
Hi Adamgem,

 

I know what you're going through. I once moved out pretty much without telling my ex-mm to a different state, because I thought I would clear my head and that distance would end our relationship only for him to literally follow me there. It is harder than just changing your number. You just have to stay strong and realize that for you continuing the relationship is not healthy and you have to realize you can move on even if he is upset or hurt.

 

Thank you secret flower. How did you manage to end it? How long did it take to get over it? What happened when he followed you? I have a feeling that will happen even when I change my number. He knows where my apartment is and where my friends are. He will find me if he wants to and I think he might.....

Posted
I know this too. But I feel that I am being extremely cruel to him. He has, afterall, spent the last year introducing me to his famiy and close friends as his new girlfriend... He has spend ever day with me and his life has suddenly been changed. He has lost his closest empoyee. I have left him in a mess and he is very upset. I still love him and I know he will miss me as much as I miss him. I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I am not even able to talk to my friends I feel so distraught.

 

 

Then you know that it's normal that you worry about his wellbeing. The thing is you are in a tough place. You can't even see how bad it is. You can't afford spending your energy feeling bad for him and what you perceive you did to him. Those thoughts are normal, but be aware why you have them and that it doesn't mean you should do anything about it or go back.

 

Do talk to your friends. Don't isolate yourself.

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Posted
Then you know that it's normal that you worry about his wellbeing. The thing is you are in a tough place. You can't even see how bad it is. You can't afford spending your energy feeling bad for him and what you perceive you did to him. Those thoughts are normal, but be aware why you have them and that it doesn't mean you should do anything about it or go back.

 

Do talk to your friends. Don't isolate yourself.

 

I do not plan to go back but I do not want to hurt him. I do not want him to be angry about this situation. I just want him to accept it and move on. I will miss so much more than him... the life we had together, all the friends I made through him. My work. I am now living out of bags and sleeping in the same bed as my friend and getting no sleep.

 

He is on the phone very upset and it is cutting me up. I secretly want to see him again. I want to fix it but I know it is not possible. I do not want him to be upset. I wish he could be free from her. All his family and friends are horrified that he went back. They have always said she will not let him go. Ever. She will threaten, blackmail or manipulate. I know this and it hurts that he lets it happen.

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Posted
His family and friends are used to him hopping from wife to OW#1, wife to OW#2, wife to OW#3, since it's a pattern for him.

 

I wouldn't put any stock into what his friends and family think at all, since he doesn't. And they're going to tell you what you want to hear anyway.

 

No. I don't understand where you got wife two and three.... he had one wife for about 25 years... then the last partner for about 16 and then me. That is it.

 

As for his family and friends. They are not telling me what I want to hear. His family do not have contact with her because they do not like her. They have had fights with him on several occassions because of her controlling and manipulative behavior as well as having his assets transfered into her name.

 

Many of his friends kept their distance because of her and he had, after many years, visits from friends that avoided their house. I have heard from so many different people - now I can see what they meant.

 

But you are right. He does not listen to them anyway.

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Posted

What do I have backwards? I am not in a good condition and need everything explained. Sorry.

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Posted
He's not letting her go.

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I need to read that over and over. That is what my friend said.

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Posted
I get the impression that is is MM who is the controlling and manipulative one.

 

Besides, his wife can't get anything transferred into her name unless HE wanted it to be transferred to his wife.

 

 

I think he might be too old to find someone else:laugh:

Posted

It seems to be ALL DRAMA. And also I don't understand, if both sides mean to end, why he needs to call you expressing "STOPPING".

 

Just like before the thief steals, he/she will inform people they will be going to steal? Does not make any sense.

 

So I have moved out of the house, left the country and blocked him on fb but I have not yet changed my number.

 

I know I am just addicted but I still feel terrible if he doesn't call... He did call several times today and I answered. I know I shouldn't but I found it difficult today. He is going from angry to sad to sorry and 'seems' to be experiencing every emotion possible.

 

He used her phone to call me. I know she was probably there listening to him.... He tried everything to convince me that I was the one at fault!! She was right - he hadn't been spending enough time with his famiy..... MY fault!!! How absurd. He only slept with her once!!!! When I said I wanted nothing to do with him or her as neither one of them had behaved correctly - he cheated and she threatened.... he started shouting 'it's over... it's over.... just stop... it's over'. I told him I was sure he was doing that for her benefit to make ME look like the stalker! Of course he denied this.

 

He sent me his number but I just deleted it. I also deleted her number to avoid the temptation.

 

It is all still very fresh and I have been organising many things that will be good for me but I still FEEL attached to him. I did spend 24/7 for the last 17 months with him. I had a wonderful time with him. It is very difficult to accept he is so terrible.

 

I do not know what to do to not think about him... sorry for rambling - I find it helpful to do to survive the day.

  • Author
Posted
It seems to be ALL DRAMA. And also I don't understand, if both sides mean to end, why he needs to call you expressing "STOPPING".

 

Just like before the thief steals, he/she will inform people they will be going to steal? Does not make any sense.

 

He does not want to end it. He is very upset that I left. We were living together...

 

Drama. Yes.

Posted

Sounds like his rant that "it's over" was so that he could pretend it was over. He doesn't want to be exclusive with you. He wants you to remain as the secret OW. Is that what you want? When are you going to get off this crazy train?

Posted
He does not want to end it. He is very upset that I left. We were living together...

 

Drama. Yes.

 

He's not the only one who can end it. You're allowed to say it's over..you don't have to wait for him to be over it.

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Posted
Sounds like his rant that "it's over" was so that he could pretend it was over. He doesn't want to be exclusive with you. He wants you to remain as the secret OW. Is that what you want? When are you going to get off this crazy train?

 

No. I will not be the OW. I really had the feeling he was pretending and I said this. He denied. He then said he was still in love with me and so on.... i imagined she was then out of earshot.... maybe I am paranoid.

 

I definately do not want to be the ow.... I told him this. He must accept it.

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Posted
He's not the only one who can end it. You're allowed to say it's over..you don't have to wait for him to be over it.

 

I know. I did. I left but I still have feelings and I know he doesn't want it to be over either. It is stupid. He is just making excuses and I do not want to be with someone that gave up something they wanted.... well especially when it is another woman! :D

Posted

Don't forget how he's treated you. He threw you under bus more than once. He's hurt you for a long time. He's made you feel like second fiddle.

 

Don't focus on him and his pain, so what if he is hurt. SO what if he is angry. That's his problem not yours! He certainly hasn't considered your feelings now for a long time, playing with your emotions along the way, quite selfishly might I add.

 

You said enough, packed up and left. Good for you!

 

Stay strong and take care of you.

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Posted (edited)
So I have moved out of the house, left the country and blocked him on fb but I have not yet changed my number.

 

I know I am just addicted but I still feel terrible if he doesn't call... He did call several times today and I answered. I know I shouldn't but I found it difficult today. He is going from angry to sad to sorry and 'seems' to be experiencing every emotion possible.

 

He used her phone to call me. I know she was probably there listening to him.... He tried everything to convince me that I was the one at fault!! She was right - he hadn't been spending enough time with his famiy..... MY fault!!! How absurd. He only slept with her once!!!! When I said I wanted nothing to do with him or her as neither one of them had behaved correctly - he cheated and she threatened.... he started shouting 'it's over... it's over.... just stop... it's over'. I told him I was sure he was doing that for her benefit to make ME look like the stalker! Of course he denied this.

 

He sent me his number but I just deleted it. I also deleted her number to avoid the temptation.

 

It is all still very fresh and I have been organising many things that will be good for me but I still FEEL attached to him. I did spend 24/7 for the last 17 months with him. I had a wonderful time with him. It is very difficult to accept he is so terrible.

 

I do not know what to do to not think about him... sorry for rambling - I find it helpful to do to survive the day.

 

You're gonna still feel attached to him for a while...no matter how horrible he is. Good and bad habits are equally hard to break, the bad ones probably more so IME.

 

This is where TOTAL NC comes in handy. It's painful...but it eventually serves the purpose of allowing you to detach and for your heart to catch up to what you know to be right in your head. That means NO CALLS! He isn't even saying anything sweet and apologetic...he is blaming you. Why take calls to be berated?

 

Please change your # or don't answer any unknown numbers and block his number. You guys have nothing more to say to each other. It won't be easy, you'll still miss this POS, you will still have hope, you too will go through the spectrum of emotions from anger to what I call "false alarm indifference" (where you may wake up next month and think you absolutely don't care or you may even think you can break NC and be fine, then it comes crashing down), you will still wonder if "he can change" and all sorts of post breakup insane thoughts. I've been there and the one thing I always wished with one of my most painful, crazy-making breakups, was that I fully understood the concept of NC and could have applied it sooner. It would have saved me 2 YEARS of drama and continued attachment. It took me sooo long to get over it because I never fully closed the door on him. So believe me, closing the door FULLY on this married a-hole and his wife NOW, is the BEST thing you can do for yourself, even though it won't feel like it. *hugs*

Edited by MissBee
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