someone slap me.

October 9, 2012

no seriously, i deserve a silly, hard, painful, SLAP. i just relapsed. AFTER 2 months i looked at his instagram page. saw the new girl. and him living his life. i feel like PUKING! i'm shaking! and i'm light headed.

someone, please, knock some sense into me! i failed. miserably!

brb while i go and vomit my lunch.................................

Edited October 9, 2012 by bluefairy812

October 9, 2012

i know how you feel.. your body goes into a state of shock.

My body took quite a beating lost some weight and all..

I know how you feel. But you gotta tell yourself you will get seriously sick if you don't take care of yourself.

October 9, 2012

i will never wish this pain upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.

October 9, 2012

ya I know what you mean... actually funny enough a guy that hated me for some reason.. guess me made me his enemy. He cheated on his high school sweet heart and after a year hung himself. I always felt bad for the guy, and I was happy I loved my girl.

Now I feel as bad as him.. because I lost someone I loved and didn't show it. I feel like I know what he suffered through.. only difference is I have to find a way to live life still and be happy. He wasn't happy and he couldn't take it anymore.

October 9, 2012

i'm sorry to hear that, thats really sad. please don't ever resort to that, it only hurts the people left behind

also, did i just technically break NC by looking at his page?

October 9, 2012

i'm sorry to hear that, thats really sad. please don't ever resort to that, it only hurts the people left behind

also, did i just technically break NC by looking at his page?

yeah I wouldn't hurt myself.. I can't do it honestly. I was just saying I know how the guy must have felt.. like this was the only girl he ever loved properly and by cheating on her lost her forever and could never get her back... must have eaten him from the inside slowly.

I know how he feels to want someone back so bad after a mistake... but realize it may never happen. Kinda like cancer inside.. you can minimize it, but it grows back again. Feel bad for people that have to go through it over small mistakes.

I would say you did break NC, because it's all about not having anything to do with your ex. Since you saw his pics online you broke NC.

October 9, 2012

Shift your thoughts:

This is ultimately good for you, and this knowledge can provide you with a powerful sense of closure. If you allow it to, this will dispel any lingering residue of hope and denial, and that will push you forward, away from him and this failed relationship that wasn't good for you. It hurts like hell, but reconise how much closer to emotional independence you are now.

Look at it differently:

Look at the situation's other side and don't get mesmerized by the "ouch, this f.ucking hurts" aspect of it. It's dazzling and bright and hard to look away from, but there is more to this! There is another side, focus on it. You always knew the day would come where he sees another girl. Now you know, now it happened -- and the good news is that it's out of the way.

One item less on the Fear List.

One thing less to worry and fret about.

Freedom is a whole lot closer now.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Calico

October 9, 2012

Shift your thoughts:

This is ultimately good for you, and this knowledge can provide you with a powerful sense of closure. If you allow it to, this will dispel any lingering residue of hope and denial, and that will push you forward, away from him and this failed relationship that wasn't good for you. It hurts like hell, but reconise how much closer to emotional independence you are now.

Look at it differently:

Look at the situation's other side and don't get mesmerized by the "ouch, this f.ucking hurts" aspect of it. It's dazzling and bright and hard to look away from, but there is more to this! There is another side, focus on it. You always knew the day would come where he sees another girl. Now you know, now it happened -- and the good news is that it's out of the way.

One item less on the Fear List.
One thing less to worry and fret about.

Freedom is a whole lot closer now.

Calico, you always have the best words. You are full of wisdom. thank you.

How can I focus on not living in the past anymore? He is clearly not living in the past. I am.

October 9, 2012

i'm sorry to hear that, thats really sad. please don't ever resort to that, it only hurts the people left behind

also, did i just technically break NC by looking at his page?

NC is overrated in that way IMO. I look at it is more not contacting them by facebook, email, phone, text whatever. But if you happen to see them somewhere, even if you don't talk I don't see why it's breaking NC, or even just seeing a picture. It might hurt seeing the picture but if you were still hanging on it should help you in the end to move on.

If that's the definition, I don't think i've went a single day NC since my BU 3 months ago......

October 9, 2012

that's what I perceived as NC, but I have also read that it includes checking social networks

October 9, 2012

It might hurt seeing the picture but if you were still hanging on it should help you in the end to move on.

I agree with this. One thing that NC does is it lets you imagine. Let me explain. From the time you begin NC time stops for you and your ex, all you have now is your imagination. You might think/believe that they have moved on completely or they are pining for you, or anywhere inbetween, but you never have definitive proof.

Although seeing this picture hurts right now, what you are really feeling is that part of you which had the slightest bit of hope dying.

I'm sorry this hurts, but welcome to freedom

October 9, 2012

I agree with this. One thing that NC does is it lets you imagine. Let me explain. From the time you begin NC time stops for you and your ex, all you have now is your imagination. You might think/believe that they have moved on completely or they are pining for you, or anywhere inbetween, but you never have definitive proof.

Although seeing this picture hurts right now, what you are really feeling is that part of you which had the slightest bit of hope dying.

I'm sorry this hurts, but welcome to freedom

you couldn't have said it any better. that hope, that ray of light.. has been torn out of my heart. life couldn't feel more real that it does right now.

October 9, 2012

that's what I perceived as NC, but I have also read that it includes checking social networks

Meh, do whatever is best for you, don't worry about whether it is NC or not. Up until a week ago I still had my ex on facebook like normal. She'd only put up a status every few weeks so it wasn't a big deal. I only deleted her because some status just hurt to see. It was nothing about NC, I just felt it was best for me.

October 9, 2012

that's what I perceived as NC, but I have also read that it includes checking social networks

Doesn't matter whether you broke it or not, what matters is that you chose to derail yourself. Maybe you needed this blow to propel you forward.

NC means detaching yourself from your ex and ANY triggers that may revert and disrupt you in your healing process.

October 9, 2012

Doesn't matter whether you broke it or not, what matters is that you chose to derail yourself. Maybe you needed this blow to propel you forward.

NC means detaching yourself from your ex and ANY triggers that may revert and disrupt you in your healing process.

i was so good about not looking and then i just did it. relapse. complete relapse. but its true. today, any last hope has completely diminished. time to go put on some lipstick, go to starbucks, and have a nice night out on my own.

October 9, 2012

How can I focus on not living in the past anymore? He is clearly not living in the past. I am.

By focusing on the future. But that's one of those phrases like "just let go". They are true, but the question is always, "How do you actually do that?", and that's where it gets difficult.

I don't think there is one "best way" of doing it, and not every approach works on any given day. In the end, it's always hard work and you have to put effort into deliberately changing your thoughts. It may not seem that way when you feel like a paper boat in a stormy ocean, but feelings are always responses to thoughts, and that means that if you change your thoughts, then your feelings will eventually also change. Not right away, not easily, but they will. Every time.

Okay, so this still doesn't answer "how" one does that. Personally, what has been working for me in moments of red-hot pain is that I stop to fight the feelings and just let them be. It's like first aid, something you can do to deal with the acute pain to get a handle on the bleeding (think of the carpet!). Two methods here that you could try:

1) Sit or lay down, close your eyes and dive right into the pain. Do what no rabid dog expects: Run right toward it, not away from it, and it'll be all "???" and get thrown off. Don't try to judge or analyze what you feel, just feel it, taste it and explore its texture. Imagine yourself as a spectator, look at the feelings of pain like an interesting and caring observer, just watch without judging what you see and feel, be a bit curious about the pain, where it comes from, how it ebbs and flows, allow it to just be, because it's there anyway and if you fight it, it'll only fight you back for its survival, like all living things.

There's not always a way around obstacles, so sometimes we need to go straight through them, and that means to let the pain wash over us. When I do this (and I did it a lot in the first few weeks) there was always the moment where I eventually started to feel more relieved, a sensation of peace, and sometimes I even smiled. This won't last and you'll have to do it again, but it is what got me through many times of stinging, breath-taking and "can't deal with this" despair.

2) When I catch myself dwelling on the past and go down that "why me, what did I do wrong, what could I have done" slope of pointlessness, I tell myself:

"I have thought these thoughts many times before already and I don't need to think them again right now. Perhaps I'll do that later."

Then you think of something nice or look at photos of kittens. This often snaps me out of it right away and it blunts the edge. It's a bit of a mix between acceptance and distraction. Just distracting yourself works for some people, but my problem with it is that it requires a lot of energy to suppress thoughts and then they ambush me as soon as I don't stay 100% focused on something else, usually when I'm drained of energy. Not fighting the repetitive thoughts works better for me. I know I'll think them many more times, but there is no reason to think them right now, so why not postpone them until later? For once being a procrastinator is a blessing!

More on this:

Once you realize that feelings are always just responses to your thoughts, you can begin directing your thoughts deliberately to change how you feel. When you hurt and are in pain, take a moment to ask yourself: "What am I thinking that is causing me to hurt?". If you are like me, you usually "think uncontrollably", so this may be a new experience, and a good practice. Identify that thought that causes the pain and then shift it. It's no different from taking that 6-sided die and flipping it over so that it shows a different number. Visualize how you flip the thought that causes the pain.

I know you feel powerless, but remember that you always have the choice between thinking a thought that makes you feel a little bit better and a thought that makes you feel a little bit worse. Ponder this for a moment, understand the importance of this simple truth, realize and embrace this power that is yours and yours alone. Choose, really choose, the thought that feels just a bit better and then ride it like a wild stallion that will take you out of this valley of despair. Ride it, and ride it hard!

Let me illustrate this with an example, based on what happened to you today: seeing the photos of his new girl. There are two (three) possible basic thoughts to choose from here:

1) "I can't handle this! He's with that girl! He picked her over me! What did I do wrong? There is something wrong with me. I love him so much but he doesn't want me! This just isn't fair! I wish I was prettier/younger/better, then he'd want me. He's doing everything with her he used to do with me, and I'm here alone. My heart is breaking, I can't can't can't handle this!" (This feels bad.)

2) "All right, this sucks, I didn't need to see this photo. But I saw it, it's what it is, and hey, at least I know now. It's good that I no longer have to worry about this. Sure, this is gonna bite and sting for a while, but at least I can relax about him finding someone else and I don't have to stress about being NC and him forgetting me." (Feels a little better, doesn't it?)

The KatZee method:

3) "F.uck this loser! Who does he think he is!? Stupid prick, I'm so glad his lousy ass is out of my life. He never even closed the toilet lid!" ( Brings short-lived relief for me only, but if #2 doesn't work, anger feels better than depression, so this is clearly superior to despair and self-blame. And really, f.uck that jerk.).

What rivers and thoughts have in common:

When you start to direct and focus your thoughts -- that is to say: when you begin to think deliberately and decide to take control of how you think --, it feels very fake and it requires a lot of attention and discipline, and you'll relapse all the time. This is normal.

The way you currently think is like a river that's flown through the same canyon for thousands of years. The bed is deep and worn, the river follows it naturally and effortlessly, and the water will always want to flow in the same old direction because that's what it's always been doing. This is what habitual behaviour and thinking is.

Now if you want to re-direct that river, you have to dig out a new bed, ensure it's deep enough, build a dam to block off the former river bed, and spend heaps of deliberate work on getting that river to flow into the direction that you want (and you want that, right?) and have deliberately chosen (you have chosen that, right?). Not easy at first. Not easy at all. But after a while, the river will flow as effortlessly in the new direction as it did in the old. And so it is with thoughts: You can replace thinking patterns, but you have to dig out a new river bed for them. Eventually, they will create a new canyon. One much more beautiful and magnificent than the old.

That is the work you have to do. That is your job. And that is your road out. Be patient with yourself. Setbacks don't mean that you fail. They only mean that you take a breath (and a little break) for the next step.

You can do this. You are stronger than you think you are. There is no doubt in my mind.

Grab the shovel and start digging now.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Calico

October 9, 2012

you are the best for putting that into perspective. thank you so much, who needs to buy a self help book with you have Calico answering your posts?!

as much as i am in pain and hurting and still replaying our beautiful memories, i am changing my perspective starting now. guess i did have to see that

....change is happening now, 3 months later. better late than never.

October 10, 2012

Maybe the hate for them will come soon. I'm into full blown hate for my ex lately. I avoided her today, because I knew if she said something to me i'd tell her to f**k off. Anytime I see her or hear her voice lately it just pisses me off. It's funny though, I use to hate when I was in the hate phase, now I find it easy. Because I don't think about her and get sad, I just get pissed off.

But the picture did you good i'm sure. I would WELCOME to see my ex with someone else. Because it would be the final kick in my a** to not care about her whatsoever.

October 10, 2012

i saw a picture of the girl bc he tagged her in a pic. not of them together... :/ but i'm pretty sure if he tagged her its because there are together. (whoopdee doo) he told me they were getting to know each other the last time we spoke, must be nice.

did i mention he owes me money? you would think its the perfect reason to break NC since he has been buying things and posting them online. but i'm not breaking it.

October 10, 2012

1) Sit or lay down, close your eyes and dive right into the pain. Do what no rabid dog expects: Run right toward it, not away from it, and it'll be all "???" and get thrown off. Don't try to judge or analyze what you feel, just feel it, taste it and explore its texture. Imagine yourself as a spectator, look at the feelings of pain like an interesting and caring observer, just watch without judging what you see and feel, be a bit curious about the pain, where it comes from, how it ebbs and flows, allow it to just be, because it's there anyway and if you fight it, it'll only fight you back for its survival, like all living things.

This!!! This is exactly right. I've been doing this for months. My counselor suggested a book called "the mindful path to self compassion", it's all about living in the now. No fighting emotions, but rather accept them. The book teaches lots of mindfulness(awareness) exercises. I used to do this on my own without realizing, but I'm working on being more "aware" whenever I can. A big thing is becoming an observer whenever you feel strong emotions coming on. Pretend you're dreaming and watching yourself. It's all about being aware of the emotions without letting them control you.

October 10, 2012

one thing i forgot to mention is he had me blocked on instagram and decided to unblock me a few days ago. not sure why but it's bugging me out.i know, i shouldn't care, but i do. i can't help it. i guess this is his way of saying i don't need to have you blocked anymore since we don't speak? fresh out of the break up i was giving him sh*t about his instagram bc when he was out clubbing and enjoying the new single life and spending money when he damn well owes me money.

Edited October 10, 2012 by bluefairy812

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