Ladydrib Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Does anyone think a persons culture could weigh in favor of having an affair vs. leaving an unhappy marriage? Something I found myself wondering when I think of what my mm might do in the future, or if he might have cheated with others. My mm is Asian. Wonder if differing backgrounds play a role...
Author Ladydrib Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Absolutely. I am in no doubt that if my MM had the same nationality as I do we would be living together, not having a long term EMR. What culture is your mm from?
MissBee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Does anyone think a persons culture could weigh in favor of having an affair vs. leaving an unhappy marriage? Something I found myself wondering when I think of what my mm might do in the future, or if he might have cheated with others. My mm is Asian. Wonder if differing backgrounds play a role... Yep. Culture colors everything in our lives; relationships included. How people think of relationships and what is valued, what's deemed appropriate and inappropriate etc. are all filtered through our culture and upbringing. However, we can also transgress certain culturally learned models of behavior/thought processes. 1
cocorico Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Does anyone think a persons culture could weigh in favor of having an affair vs. leaving an unhappy marriage? Something I found myself wondering when I think of what my mm might do in the future, or if he might have cheated with others. My mm is Asian. Wonder if differing backgrounds play a role... My fAP is English. Stiff upper lip, duty before pleasure, stoic approach to life. I'm from a more hedonistic, rule-flouting culture. Our approaches during the A were very different. He believed you are bound by your obligations, your own needs come last, you stick out your M because you are duty-bound to provide a stable home for the children you have spawned, even at great personal cost. So without counselling that challenged those views, he'd have stayed until the bitter end I'm sure. 1
Owl Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Makes sense to me. Culture and the society/environment you were raised in typically help to define your views and values. Different cultures have some drastically differing views on affairs, infidelity, marriage, etc... Only makes sense to me that this would impact how someone in an affair might react or view the affair or their role in it. 1
KathyM Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 My sister experienced this with her first husband who cheated on her--a culture clash. She is American and he is from a European country where affairs and sex in general is treated more casually. Several of our friends from these "mixed marriages" also experienced this, where the American wives were cheated on by their European husbands, who had a more relaxed attitude towards infidelity. Needless to say, all of these couples are now divorced because of the infidelity of the husband.
sad puppy Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Yes, my xMM is from another culture with very negative views of divorce. We discussed this. As he was in unhappy marriage, his father said something to him along the lines of "it's a sacrifice to be made". Very unhealthy viewpoint, in my opinion.
SecretFlower Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I always justified my ex-mm not leaving his wife due to religion. We both come from strong Catholic families and his father stayed with his mother for decades until they finally divorced. They both had long term affairs. My father cheated on my mother and both stepmothers. So, even more than the cultural component the familiarity with affairs has always been there for both of us. Interestingly enough I never remember being angry at my father for cheating on my mother and never really associated his affairs or ex-mm's parent's affairs with our own situation. Now I do. 1
Tenacity Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Ex-MM is Latino, I am Caucasian. He is also a leader of a very conservative religion that does not allow divorce (or affairs)... he had been absent from it for several years because of his marriage issues. He recommitted to it recently. It is his way of getting through what he called his 'lot in life' and 'God's plan for him' and his need to respect his M finally, after being selfish. This might have been the hardest thing for me to accept. Part of me believes some level of it, but mostly, to be honest, it just seems really much too convenient for me. Hypocrisy. Where were all these strict rules during all the years he was sleeping with me and lying to both his W and me? Religion should not be a game of timing. Either you believe in something, or you don't... you don't just ignore it when it's convenient. No wonder I am agnostic.
KathyM Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I'll never understand how some folks think it's against their religion to divorce, but then they are O.K. with cheating on their spouse. 1
cocorico Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I'll never understand how some folks think it's against their religion to divorce, but then they are O.K. with cheating on their spouse. Because "cheating" is done to the spouse, as you say; while leaving is done to the entire family, including children. The unfaithful spouse may have issues with the other spouse that makes them feel justified in striking back at that spouse. They do not IME typically feel justified in striking back at "innocent kids" by leaving.
frozensprouts Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Ex-MM is Latino, I am Caucasian. He is also a leader of a very conservative religion that does not allow divorce (or affairs)... he had been absent from it for several years because of his marriage issues. He recommitted to it recently. It is his way of getting through what he called his 'lot in life' and 'God's plan for him' and his need to respect his M finally, after being selfish. This might have been the hardest thing for me to accept. Part of me believes some level of it, but mostly, to be honest, it just seems really much too convenient for me. Hypocrisy. Where were all these strict rules during all the years he was sleeping with me and lying to both his W and me? Religion should not be a game of timing. Either you believe in something, or you don't... you don't just ignore it when it's convenient. No wonder I am agnostic. this is a very interesting post... if one person uses religion to rationalize one behavior ( staying married when they say they are unhappy) while totally going against another important tenet of their religion ( in Christianity, committing adultery is breaking one of the ten commandments)...isn't this being incredibly hypocritical? This would really make me wonder about the kind of person who would go against the values that they claim to strongly espouse. Being agnostic myself, I can't claim to know much about religion, but it does seem that this type of thing could be indicative of someone who is willing to pick and choose their value system based what they want at any given point in time. This would seem to supersede any influence their cultural background may have on their behavior. 2
SecretFlower Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I'll never understand how some folks think it's against their religion to divorce, but then they are O.K. with cheating on their spouse. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I think it is okay to cheat, but I understand how someone's thinking can get warped. I think, speaking only from my own experiences, MM do feel guilt. Actually, I brought this up to ex-mm when we last met for dinner and I asked him why he stayed for so long. He said he stayed for a couple reasons. One was guilt. He felt guilty that we were betraying his wife, but he didn't know how to stop. Another was that he was worried what his family would say, because they had never supported him getting married so young and he didn't to be ashamed. And lastly, he said he was worried what that would mean for us. Meaning he was worried if we went public and got married or had a relationship he was worried we would seem like even worse people in the eyes of God. So, I think a lot of it is Catholic guilt. I mean look at Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. One of the main reasons, so I've heard, he never left his wife was because of Catholic guilt. It might seem hypocritical and stupid, but divorce sometimes is difficult to own up to.
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Interesting thread.... I work with adolescents and the more you prohibited and deny anything, the more you give it value. The more forbidden, the more desirable, especially if they are forced to adhere to a lot of rules and obligations and should be doing. My fWS and his fOW were raised in the same patriarchal, lots of rules and obedience, religion. Interesting to me was to note the blatant hypocrisy, much of it a nod to spirituality and GOD's love, in their emails. AYE YAY YAY, spare me. When exposed, the affair went caput. I guess it wasn't as exciting when it wasn't forbidden. If you successfully age through adolescence to adulthood without a ton of parental interference and control, you will adopt values based on maturity and will not be a 50 year old mid-life crisising idiot. I do agree it is more accepted for MEN toa have sex on the side in many countries. What I find ironic is that for a WOMAN to do so in these smae countries turns her into a pariah of non-virtue. Madonna/whore syndrome anyone?
KathyM Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Because "cheating" is done to the spouse, as you say; while leaving is done to the entire family, including children. The unfaithful spouse may have issues with the other spouse that makes them feel justified in striking back at that spouse. They do not IME typically feel justified in striking back at "innocent kids" by leaving. But if religion is the reason used for not leaving, then the WS really can't justify infidelity as being more moral or more in keeping with his religion. Both are against religious principles. If the WS wants to claim staying for the kids is better for his children or less harmful to his children, then that reasoning could arguably be made, but to believe infidelity is the moral or ethical thing to do instead of divorce makes no sense. If he's going to use religious reasons for not leaving, that makes no sense, since he is going against his religious principles by having the affair and deceiving his wife.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Most groups have a bizarre sense of honor. No one, even serial killers like the concept of being dishonorable. Honor codes can be quite bizarre and contradictory. The sense of being honorable can also change according to the circumstances. Most philanderers do not admit philandering. They always assume a victim role to maintain a sense of honor. This has been my observation as well. 2
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Most groups have a bizarre sense of honor. No one, even serial killers like the concept of being dishonorable. Honor codes can be quite bizarre and contradictory. The sense of being honorable can also change according to the circumstances. Most philanderers do not admit philandering. They always assume a victim role to maintain a sense of honor. Or, a self-entitlement one. But they never give up the spouse and family. They feel entitled to both as it boosts their machismo. Philanderers actually fear true intimacy with a woman. They believe to give fully of themselves emoionay would be to risk strength and power, something they have learned in their culture or in their family of origin, or both.
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