NeeN Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Hi, Ok so my story is a complicated one... I will have to start at the begining, not only so that i can get accurate advise but so that i may understand this situation in a clearer way. I have known my boyfriend for 6 - 7 years, we were never close. In fact i used to date a good friend of his and he was married. After he got divorced we started talking again, he helped me through a break up and from there we became close. We started spending more time together and feelings developed. He has 2 children and i have a son. He embraced my son and included him in everything we did. there was only one catch, no one could know we were seeing eachother because of his good friend (which he and i had last dated 3 years prior). He was always asking me if i had told anyone, and when i said no, it was tell me thruth... From the begining he told me i dont want exes in our present, i was cool. No problem. This is me thinking no phoning exes, coffees with exes, etc. Boy was i wrong. It meant no exes AT ALL!! In the same vicinity My oldest and dearest friend is dating an ex of mine, i was forbidden from being anywhere that they were. He would litteraly go into a panic if i even tried, being the hard headed woman i am it caused alot of fighting. I just tried to constantly make jhim happy but nothing i did was ever enough. Screaming, acusations. aaaargh He would ask me if i have been involved with someonre and how far it went and where it happened exactly, it happened that we were invited to a xmas party and when we arrive i see an old fling was there. I told him im sorry i did not know he would be here. He changed complately, asking me exactly wehat happened, i did not leave his side. Accused me of going straight to the other guy and giving him chanpagne first before i did to my boyfriend (RUBBISH!!!! he was the last person because i would not ignore him completly) he demanded to know exactly what had happened between us (HOW FAR HAD IT GONE) We went on holiday with his family and our kids, it was a rollercoaster. Before we left i was on my facebook and he was looking over my shoulder, he saw a message from a friend making a harmless coment about a wet tsirt competition that we had commented on on fb, etc. He went balistic and said that i had lied to him, that i still have exes in my life, etc etc. (i used to work with this person and yes once we had a short fling) i told him that i didnt have any exes in my life and that he would get upset with me, ask me why there was a guy talking to me on thebeach. punish me by treating me horrible for the whole day/days. when we got back from holidays in january i was holding his phone, he had another conversation with another Rachel (my name as well), when i opened this chat i was shocked.he always told me that she was a good friend who was having problems with her husband and he was just a helping ear. a friend. There were conversations about me? our sex life, what we did in bed, how we did it, they even gave me a nickname!!!!!!!!! Well things just got worse.. This relationship has just not gotten better. a few months ago... Things were at a low, he was constantly calling while i was at work, (i travel alot as i am in event management). When i was away i met a man through mutual friends, there was no flirting at the table at all. A few days later he asked our mutual friend iof he could have my number. I said it was ok. I know it was wrong, and yes betrayal. But when you´re constantly hearing how nothing you do is good enough and not enough and ur a this and that and liar, etc etc etc. You kind of long to be spoken to nicely. So we texted for about a week, he asked to meet for a drink, but i couldnt go through with it. I didnt have the nerve to do it. One night whilst going through my phone while i was asleep he cam across the messages. WW# is an understatement. Sreaming, constant fighting. constantly calling and screaming and speaking to me like im a peace of dirt. call after call after call where both phones i was carrying ran out of battery. things then calmed down after much grovelling from my side. there have been 2 occasions where the constant hounding and taunting have driven me to lash out and be physical with him, i regret it. but i completly lost it... we broke up 3 months ago, during that break up i contacted the man i texted before, i initiated the contact and invited him for a drink but he was busy and i never attempted again. Once back together going through my phone again he sees this and goes berserk. 3 weeks ago we went on a weekend away, we had a bit too much to drink and he got physical.. Well, spitting on me, throing me around and punching me in the groin telling me i dont respect myself.. Eventually i calmed him down and we went to bed, the next day he said he was really angry with me because i betrayed him, i just runinto the arms of another man when things arent good with us. blah blah blah He asked who had contacted who, i told him that it was he that contacted me, yes i lied. and no one should lie, but when ur faced with this u just want to keep the peace and when you have someone who constantly looks at you as though you are rubbish, someone you love very much. ya. you lie A week later at his place he was going through my phone again and saw an old conversation between a friend of mine and i and i said that i had invited the man he went beserk. walked out and went drinking. he came back drunk. Kicking walls, doors. locking me out of the lounge, ugh.. just crazy . He grabbed me again but just held me up against the wall. jhe said that this time he wouldnt fall into mytrap of making him hit me. so now i have said enough... i love him. very much...... He says he will change... but i need to prove that he can trust me ((i have deleted people from my fb, de activated email accounts, deleted people from twitter and linkedin) he says that there are things i still need to do to gain his trust and confidence in me. i broke it off yesterday, he called non stop, my cel, my emails, my office line. he even arrived at my doorstep and washed my dishes!!! he has called me twice acting like nothing is wrong. i have begged and begged for him to give me space. I dont know what to do. id like some input
yuppup Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Sounds like my recent ex. Please just call it quits for good. He's extremely abusive. If this behavior started at the beginning of the relationship, you probably would have shown him the door, yes? It's not acceptable. He punched you in the groin?! Document all of his calls, texts, emails, call and see if your provider will send you the call log, and then get a restraining order. Even just a temporary restraining order if you are really on the fence about breaking it off for good. I'm sure at the end of the first month you'll realize he's a jackass. If this continues, he will REALLY hurt you. He's willing to change, but you're the one that has to work for it? WTF? Please don't put up with this lunatic anymore. If you loved yourself, you'd kick him to the curb.
Chi townD Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Well, this relationship is way too toxic. Your boyfriend sounds like a guy that was burned really badly in a past relationship and he never really addressed his pain. Therefore, his jealousy and his possesive behavior is a product of that. HOWEVER!!! You're not innocent in all of this either! Meeting men and getting their numbers. Asking them to meet for drinks....of course he would go balistic!! How would you feel if he was texting girls and asking them to meet up? Time to move on. Ignore him. He's going to start to hate you and send you some really hurtful messages....but, in order to get away from him, you're gonna have to endure a little pain. I just feel sorry for the kids. In the future, I would make it a point to not introduce a man to your kid until you know that the relationship is actually going somewhere. 1
KatZee Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Keep walking and don't look back. This guy has far surpassed the word "controlling." Listen, the issue isn't that he doesn't trust you. You have done NOTHING that warrants this behavior. You haven't lied, crossed any lines, cheated, etc etc. The issue is HIM and the fact he's so insecure that he's going to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in his power to isolate you from your friends, family, males, females, coworkers, ANYONE he feels is a threat to him. Essentially EVERYONE is a threat to him. EVERYONE has the potential to take you away from him. This is why you're bending over backwards cutting people out of your life, deleting friends on FB, Twitter, LinkedIn... whatever else you're on, and it's STILL not good enough for him. The only way he will be "OK" is if you're friendless, and completely reliant on him. This is not healthy. A relationship in which a guy tells you to "not be friends" with people is one in which you need to learn from, move on and never go back. He's not going to change, in fact behavior like this progressively gets worse as time goes on. His behavior is erratic at this point and now he's completely losing it now that you've left. I'm honestly appalled that he says YOU need to do things to earn his trust. I think if anyone needs to show SEVERE behavioral changes, it's him. Not you. I wouldn't tolerate this a second later. Please, never toss people out of your life for a guy. It's not worth it, because one day you ARE going to wake up with no friends, no life of your own. You're going to be alone in every sense of the word and you're going to really regret it. Block his number if you have to. Tell him that it's over and that he's been given more than enough chances to show change. (And also an FYI--- guys that pull this stunt, are highly likely to start beating you down the line.) **My edit since I didn't read all the way through-- he's already beating you. You're in a severely toxic, unhealthy, and abusive relationship. It's going to be hard to stay away because women who stay in abusive relationships have low self esteem to begin with, but you seriously need to do this for yourself. Edited October 11, 2012 by KatZee
Author NeeN Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Ok, i ahve to admit that i went back, but after a week of being spoken to like absolute crap. When i drive an extra 2.5hours every day to get to work and back just so i could stay at his place, i was getting tired. Followed by being driven to tears while grocery shopping because i wasnt paying attention to him and what our diet requirements were (I was looking for a recipe because his dad was joining us for lunch.) The next day, he taunted and fought with me over skye the WHOLE day and me, like and idiot still drove the extra hour and a bit to his place. All i had asked is that he doesnt argue with me in front of my son. when we got there he started.+ So i very calmly gathered mine and my sons thjings and left.... Its over now... Done... He has since showed up at my place twice the next night, i didnt let him in, he also threatened to give away mine and my sons air tickets to his friends (we were going to see my mom). I had always told him i am going to pay for mine and my sons ticket, now, he threatens to give them to his friends? I told him it is no problem to go ahead, and then he quickly changes his tune, oh no you can keep them and u dont have topay me back. Im done with the manipulation and malice. So here i go... Moving on... Giving myself the value i deserve... 1
todreaminblue Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Seriously?? Perhaps she should just kick him in his nuts, or better yet take a sledge hammer to them, and lock him out of the house. It would be his fault after all, right? Good grief! What sort of barbaric nonsense is this?? Even if she slept with the entire crew of the S.S.Hosebeast his behaviour would be totally unacceptable. Unless a man is being physically attacked by a woman there is no justification for physical violence. He should have walked away as soon as he was unhappy with her. Don't go blaming the victim. It's disgusting. Btw, did you happen to notice he's chatting with other women as well? Whether or not he did the wrong thing she did make some mistakes......advocating cheating doesnt make what she did acceptable either in a relationship that is meant to be committed its not ok to cheat or use abuse to control behaviours...you get the **** out before you do the boatload of people if you are unhappy or rant and scream and punch on or seek counselling......she states she loves him and he loves her.....it isnt love on either side.there are issues that are fatal to a relationship and they come from both sides......deb
Author NeeN Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Im sorry, but at no point did i meet up with another man, kiss or even hold his freaking hand. I gave my phone number away yes, that was incorrect. it was also during a tmewhen i was being treated like absolute ****. When i invited another man for coffee WE WERE BROKEN UP. Anyway, I have tried, tried and tried. I have also just found out that i am 8 weeks pregnant, I have the copper T and at this point i feel the universe is spinning out of control. Lost, sad, scared and petrified!
Author NeeN Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 So we did brweak up, i feel i have been through the worst. I blocked my ex from all social media and after NC for a month and a half. I get a phone call at 02h30 asking me if i would make him coffee!! and when i told him he could not do this, he starts bringing up my son and telling me im keeping my son from him. A week later I get an email from him telling him to pay him back for the holiday tickets he had bought on his credit card when we were going to go on holiday together. (My son and i are still going on that trip.), if i did not pay him back by the 19th he would cancel our tickets and get a full refund on his money. I have no problem with that as i was always going to pay him back, so instead i told him to get his refund rather. I think he was taken a back with that as he sent me 2 follow up emails asking me if im sure. I recently found out that he has photos of him and some woman plastered all over his facebook. I dont know what to do really... Getting back together is not an option, at all. But wow, has the break up hit home. I do miss him... But the i think, wow, its only been a month and a half and hes already seeing someone else. I couldnt have meant much anyway. Anyway.... So if anyone has some insight on his behaviour and what it means id be greatful.
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