miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Me and my partner have been dating for 3 years now, and in the past 8 months we have had sex once, and that was on our three year anniversary. I have tried talking to him about it, but he always says that he is tired, and fair enough, he does have a pretty demanding job in the military, but all of his mates who do the same thing as him and dont have an issue. I am not going to lie, I will frequently give him other things (like a blow job) to get us through, but he will never have sex with me. I have tried telling him how much it hurts that he doesnt want to have sex with me. I have asked him if he is still sexually attracted to me, and he says that he is, but he just will reject me every time I try and initiate sex with him, which is maybe every second night... I am trying and trying and trying to think of other reasons... but I just cant. He gets angry with me every time I bring it up... but I dont know how else I am supposed to fix the issue... and for me, it is a big issue, I need this... that connection with him, I really need it. I love him to bits, so I cant even threaten leaving him, but I am afraid it may get to the point where it s my only option... Please help! Give me advice!!!! I need to fix this, once in 8 months is killing me.
strongnrelaxed Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 This is a hard thing to respond to without knowing your partner. I am curious about how you know his colleagues do not have the same problem, but I will leave that alone. Men are starting to see sex differently. I have chatted with many of them on other forums. This is a growing issue for way many more people than I ever would have imagined. His buddies may not have this issue, but many men do. This, I think, comes from a feeling by many men that women want sex for different reasons. It can feel manipulative to men sometimes. Like the woman really doesn't want it as a sharing thing, but as "a way to keep him subdued" as I heard one man put it. That made sense to me. Women can appear to men to be extremely manipulative at times and this is the ultimate buzzkill. If your man feels like this. If he does not trust you 100% or if you have had a lot of arguments, you may have this problem for years. Perhaps forever. Sometimes we do things. One partner may cheat, the other may lie, they fight over insignificant things. One may attack the other for expressing themselves. These things can, and often do, have lasting effects that cannot be undone without a serious amount of work on the part of the offending spouse. Since I do not know you, it is impossible for me to say, but this is one of several possibilities. Male sexuality is a complex thing as you are finding out. You came to a bad place for advice because you will get a lot of canned advice, the sort that comes from a bible or a playground. If someone suggests that your man is cheating, then you will know what you are dealing with. Good luck
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I am friends with alot of his friends, plus it is one of these circles where when someone has slept with someone else, you know about it. Its a reasonably small town! I have been faithful to him, always have and always will! I am really hopping it is not a manipulation thing, because thats not what it is about. I have tried to hard to explain to him that it is that physical connection that I am missing out on. I just dont know how else I could explain it to him. My friends have asked if he is gay, or if there is something wrong "down stairs", all sorts of things! And I have asked him each of them, other than the "are you gay" because I dont believe thats the issue at all! I have been trying for 8 months to sort this out, and it just isnt working and I dont know how to fix it
CarrieT Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I have been trying for 8 months to sort this out, and it just isnt working and I dont know how to fix it A lot of us have been there and you can't fix another person. I was in a 2 1/2-year relationship where the last 18 months were entirely sexless and it took me 18 months of cajoling, begging, reasoning, and more before I had to finally walk away. You may have no choice that if your BF is not sexually interested in you, then it is time to end the relationship and find someone whose sexual needs match your own.
Minnie09 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 My experience: when this happens (and it did to me a long time ago in a long-term R, my first real R actually, in my mid-20s), it is OFTEN because the guy watches too much porn and/or gets stimulated elsewhere. It doesn't have to be as complicated as described by the above poster who suspects some kind of a passive aggressive fear / anxiety / self-protective behavior. Look at the simple explanations first, preclude them if they do not apply, and go from there. 2
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I think porn could very much be a factor, but that kind of makes me feel worse! He wont do it with me, but his hand is good enough. I know I should stop giving him a blow job every second or so morning... That could help. But then I am afraid it will just make it worse and he won't want me at all. You are both helping me alot! I have never met another woman who has had this issue!!! It has always been the other way round! 1
Minnie09 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I think porn could very much be a factor, but that kind of makes me feel worse! He wont do it with me, but his hand is good enough. I know I should stop giving him a blow job every second or so morning... That could help. But then I am afraid it will just make it worse and he won't want me at all. You are both helping me alot! I have never met another woman who has had this issue!!! It has always been the other way round! I know! This is how I felt, too. I thought every woman in a relationship gets chased day and night for sex, and I'm the only one who's not sexy enough, even though he TOLD me I was. Typical case of actions speak louder than words. I would talk to him abt porn. If he overuses it, he's overstimulated and loses interest in a real woman. Too boring. I mean, honestly, are you surprised? F you look at porn these days, it's extreme, and gets extremer every day. Anal is standard. If a guy gets used to these standards, "normal" intercourse with a real girl and BJs must be getting boring... 1
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I weight 45kg... Weight isn't the issue! He just keeps saying that work makes him tired, that it's nothing to do with me. But I doubt this... I feel like it all has to be about me! I have tried sexy lingerie an all that jazz! I have even tried suggesting adding in toys and bibs and bobs... But he just asks me why I would want to do somethig like that? So yeah.. Very demoralizing!
veryhappy Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 You are not alone, but it isn't as known and discussed as women refusing sex. First of all, stop satisfying him other ways. If he doesn't want to have intercourse, and you give him blowjobs, well...he's happy and he obviously doesn't care about you. You have two options. Dump him and carry on with your life, finding somebody who matches you, or stay there for years, working and working on it. It will not get better, you will not feel more loved. You are chasing something that wasn't there. In my case, I realize in hindsight, that he had behaved more interested in the beginning because it was the beginning, similar to how women are so into sex at the beginning of a R, and then they switch. It will kill your self-esteem to be rejected constantly, so please seriously consider ending this R. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Quick temporary suggestion...Start with the usual BJ and then climb on top. We'll see if he's too tired to continue. By the way, I've never been too tired for sex. Something is wrong. 5
redtail Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I think porn could very much be a factor... I don't look at much porn, it has the opposite effect on me, I want my wife even more! However, I can't even remember ever using the "I'm too tired for sex" excuse, there's something else there. If it were me, I'd see if he'd agree to marriage counseling where maybe a good counselor could ask the right questions to get to the root of this issue. best of luck
xxoo Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 If it were me, I'd see if he'd agree to marriage counseling where maybe a good counselor could ask the right questions to get to the root of this issue. best of luck I agree, I'd insist on counseling. 8 months of refusing sex without explanation is over the top. The sex is probably just a symptom; the complete failure of communication is a cancer to the relationship.
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I have brought it up many, many times, and he just never wants to talk about it. He isn't a big feelings person and doesn't ever want to talk about the emotional side. But I can't help but want to talk about it! He has gotten angry/frustrated with me trying to pretty much rape him. I think if I suggested a marriage counsellor he would crack the poops because he doesn't feel he needs that. I think what I need to suggest to him is to go see a doctor? Could there be something wrong there? Like are there medical reasons why someone wouldn't want sex?
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I also don't believe he is cheating on me... He isn't that type of guy, he would definitely break up with me before cheating on me. He is a really lovely guy, he will give me cuddles and give me kisses but yeah... This is just a big factor! I don't want to end the relationship because I really love him, an I am pretty damn sure he loves me...
veryhappy Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 So you're choosing to work and work and work on it. I wish you stamina. 1
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I just feel that he is completely and utterly worth the effort if I can get it to back the way it was.
Avulare Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Have him make a doctor's appoint to get his testosterone levels checked... No sex drive and constant fatigue sound like low T to me. Men's hormones decline with age, but unless you guys are seniors he probably shouldn't be having this kind of issue.
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Does he finish when you give him a BJ? If you are doing that all the time like you say, you might be wearing him out yourself. Guys lose a LOT of interest after one climax. The other horrible possibility is if he's worried about giving you an STD from cheating. I kinda feel like it might be the first thing I said though. Leave some for yourself Or maybe he's worried about ED or PE? If you give BJs all the time AND he's doing porn and MBing...yeah he's going to be one tired dude...
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Haha no, we are in our early 20s, definitely not seniors! I think the doctors should be the way to go! I have tried everything else!
Author miikay Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I'm am definitely going to stop giving him BJs! I am giving to give him no other release than himself and then he will realize how good I am to him! So he will have to give some to get some!
veggirl Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 You give him BJs every 2 days and he won't give you anything other than kisses? Wow! So he doesn't go down on you to return the favor or anything?
Author miikay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Nope, he doesn't do that! Doesn't like it at all! He did try once for me! See that's love right? That he did try it once for me? I know I probably seem very delusional, but he is one of the most lovely guys ever. He is attractive and loving, just not interested in sex as of late? And by late I mean 8months.
KraftDinner Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 If he still accepts blow jobs, he hasn't lost his sex drive. Someone else asked but I don't think you answered...does he finish when you give the BJs? Why should he wanna change if he gets his dick sucked and he doesn't have to do anything in return? Those BJs have to stop. Maybe then he'll think, "Oh, I actually have to work for sex...okay, I'll step up to the plate." Or not. Frankly he sounds very selfish. 4
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Me and my partner have been dating for 3 years now, and in the past 8 months we have had sex once, and that was on our three year anniversary. I have tried talking to him about it, but he always says that he is tired, and fair enough, he does have a pretty demanding job in the military, but all of his mates who do the same thing as him and dont have an issue. I am not going to lie, I will frequently give him other things (like a blow job) to get us through, but he will never have sex with me. I have tried telling him how much it hurts that he doesnt want to have sex with me. I have asked him if he is still sexually attracted to me, and he says that he is, but he just will reject me every time I try and initiate sex with him, which is maybe every second night... I am trying and trying and trying to think of other reasons... but I just cant. He gets angry with me every time I bring it up... but I dont know how else I am supposed to fix the issue... and for me, it is a big issue, I need this... that connection with him, I really need it. I love him to bits, so I cant even threaten leaving him, but I am afraid it may get to the point where it s my only option... Please help! Give me advice!!!! I need to fix this, once in 8 months is killing me. Time to make a decision. You're dating him and he isn't interested in sex. So here are some reasons..Either he's cheated or cheated on you, or he's depressed and can't focus properly in bed .. Or he just isn't into sex at all. I highly doubt he's gay or bi. I would lay it all out on the table for him. Either he makes more effort in the bedroom with you, or it's time to end things. 3 years and barely any sex, let alone once in the past 8 months is not good. tell him how it makes you feel and why. Tell him that you love him but cannot live like this anymore and see what he says. Ask to please be honest and give you the respect to just tell you - NO matter what it is, you'd rather know than not know. 2
Author miikay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I am getting to the point where I will just be asking him straight out. Again. I hope he is being honest with me about his reasoning. That he is tired. But I can't help but feel its something to do with me. That he is no longer Attracted to me. Even though he assures me he is.
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