Littlemadam Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) Hey everyone, My last long term relationship was with a childish, compulsive liar, who ended up emotionally and physically (once) abusing me. I have met someone new, and we get on so well, we really are like two peas in a pod. BUT Now, I don't know if this my past is making me more careful, but I am worried my new OH may be telling me a white lie currently, and there are one or two things in the past I am not sure about. He is basically quite a lazy guy, but does work hard. Anyway, last night he had his friend round and now he's not gone to work, I called him and he was still asleep saying he had to work late last night (he works in IT), not late as in from when he finished onwards, but "later" as well. He loses pay if he takes time off, and am just wondering what I should do to find out if he is lying, and if it is a biggie? We are due to move in in a few weeks and I need to make sure this is the right thing to do. We have always said we will be open and honest with each other. As he knows how I feel. Any advice greatly appreciated xxx Edited October 9, 2012 by Littlemadam Was meant to say opinions on white lies - sorry! xxx
todreaminblue Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Hey everyone, My last long term relationship was with a childish, compulsive liar, who ended up emotionally and physically (once) abusing me. I have met someone new, and we get on so well, we really are like two peas in a pod. BUT Now, I don't know if this my past is making me more careful, but I am worried my new OH may be telling me a white lie currently, and there are one or two things in the past I am not sure about. He is basically quite a lazy guy, but does work hard. Anyway, last night he had his friend round and now he's not gone to work, I called him and he was still asleep saying he had to work late last night (he works in IT), not late as in from when he finished onwards, but "later" as well. He loses pay if he takes time off, and am just wondering what I should do to find out if he is lying, and if it is a biggie? We are due to move in in a few weeks and I need to make sure this is the right thing to do. We have always said we will be open and honest with each other. As he knows how I feel. Any advice greatly appreciated xxx We have always said we will be open and honest with each other. As he knows how I feel. This sentence gives me the opinion you should be open and honest with how you feel about him telling a white lie.You have to be open also and asking him about what you perceive to be a white lie would be a good idea.....open ended honesty also means opening up where you feel the other partner has done something wrong...not just being honest all the time.... but able to bring into play an open discussion about a possible problem or hiccup...i wish you the best .....hope you get the answers you need from him following the open honesty policy too.....deb
darkmoon Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 i think he's marking out his parameters of freedom before you move in can you tell if people are lying or not? has anybody ever remarked on your too-trusting nature before now? has he lied to you before now? just wondering what you're about to get a bigger picture... 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 In a nutshell: talk with him. Share your fears. Don't tell him off. It doesn't sound like a biggie in itself, more the principle of the thing. He can goof off work because he had a big night out with his friend. That's understandable, if not exactly praiseworthy. But he should be able to come clean to you about such stuff. You are thinking, "if he lies to me about small stuff he may lie to me about big stuff" or some such, which is given your history is an understandable concern. But, he may be a fine guy and wouldn't do that ever. The way to make this a common understanding is, talk. BTW you have been completely upfront yourself about your past and all, have you?
strongnrelaxed Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) Men find themselves in this situation quite often. First let me say that lying is wrong. A strong worthy man will rarely lie to you unless there is some very compelling reason. If a man is living his life the way he chooses - as freely as a society will allow - and he falls in love with a woman who keeps pressing him to change. Nagging, repeating arguments, bringing up old discussions over and over, etc. he has only a few options - leave immediately (perhaps the best way to go), stay and tell his woman to stop or he will leave, stay and put up with it, or stay and lie about the things that annoy her. There may be other options, but these seem to be the main ones. Men get tired from office politics at work. Women have an entirely different set of work politic dynamics, so as much as they might think they understand, they do NOT. So it is seriously demotivating to come home to a woman who presses him to be a different man. All but the strongest women do this. So if he is lying, you should ask yourself if you are pressing him to lie. If you asked him his favorite beer, he would likely tell you without reservations. If he knows that an argument is about to follow from him being the man he was when you met him - in other words HIMSELF, then he will pursue one of the options above. You should not move in with this man. Based on what little I see, this is going to end badly for both of you. Edited October 9, 2012 by strongnrelaxed typo 1
standtall Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Well little..if you guys are just starting off, and he is lying about the little stuff, then a good chance he is gonna lie about the big stuff. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Men get tired from office politics at work. Women have an entirely different set of work politic dynamics, so as much as they might think they understand, they do NOT. How's that? In any place I've worked, men and women had to deal with the same politics depending upon their rank in the place of employment. Including my own business.
carhill Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 He is basically quite a lazy guy, but does work hard. Can you clarify this? Generally, lazy people do not 'work hard' nor have aggressive work ethics. Also, have you determined his work style? Some people are slow and steady and time oriented; others are 'spurt workers' and task oriented. Others only work when absolutely necessary for survival. Others don't work at all. You called him 'lazy' so perhaps you could quantify that dynamic further. IMO, 'white lies' are minor deceptions to preserve the peace in a relationship. When my exW used to ask me how her ass looked in a new pair of Levi's, I never said 'you look fat' even though she was and she knew it and mentioned it herself numerous times. There is value in preserving the peace. There's also a time to be transparent and sincere. IMO, lies, or suspicion thereof, about one's job/finances/money style, in an intimate long term relationship where cohabiting is on the table would be a canary to pay attention too. Relationship experience teaches the boundaries. Too much honesty or too much deception, relevant to one's partner's style can result in splitsville. It's often a moving target. Good luck.
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Are you sure he's lying? To me you didn't sound so certain. I took the lazy\hard working thing to mean he works hard at what he's passionate about, which is pretty much how I am. Is that it?
january2011 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I'm with Ninja's Husband. What made you think that he was lying? I don't know your BF and I don't know his job and its arrangements. However, based on my own experience, his explanation sounds plausible to me. I'm also confused about the lazy/work hard sentence. Is it possible that you are having second thoughts about moving in and are picking faults because deep down you are really not sure about him at all? 1
Author Littlemadam Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Hey everyone, Thanks for all your comments. I shall answer the questions where I can; His laziness is with sleep. He is so good at his job in IT, but applying himself is not so easy, but when he does he is great and his company does rely on him to do all these massive jobs. They made him work from home as he was always late etc, and he only has to get out of bed, shower etc and has no commute, yet still he needs a lay in til 12pm (he normally starts work at 10am!). I don't know if it is me as I do suffer anxiety, but I just dont want to be the one he lies to as he has his mother about stupid little things. And Just a poster, you are spot on, I have a mortgage and all my name on the bills. I don't want him to lose money on bills etc he should be paying, and me working my butt of to look after him and ensure a roof is kept over our heads. Well I asked him outright jokingly and he appears he wasn't lying, and that he didnt have a hangover etc. I do believe him here, but to need to start work again at 12 today when he was round another friends and again saying it was because he worked late is ringing alarm bells for me. I just dont want to be "mugged off" as us English would say! I really need help!!!! xxxx
woinlove Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) This sounds like fairly serious trust issues and/or lying (or both). If he lies about working, I would not call that a white lie -- although I suppose one could call any lie a white lie if it is clear both people agree to wanting those type of lies. Like you, I want honesty and openness and made that clear from the beginning, made it clear I don't need any "white lies" (others may feel differently, but I don't need any false reassurance about my appearance, clothes,... and prefer openness and honesty from my spouse on all matters - except for surprises like presents to each other). If he does lie about his work (and it is not clear from what you write that he does, but unless you have own internal trust issues, it often turns out your intuition or suspicion is telling you something) it could be because he himself is ashamed of missing work and so lies about it because he doesn't want to face that about himself. Or it could be he doesn't want you to know what he is up to. My experience is that different people have different desires and needs for honesty and different capabilities for honest and open communication. And that these are not easily changed. They can be changed, but not easily. I had relationships with men who were not fully honest even after we discussed it and they agreed and I ended those relationships at some point. I think this is a very important compatability issue - others who place less emphasis on honesty may feel differently. Having said all that, what do you think about the possibility that the issue lies within you and your level of trust and that you bf is telling the truth as he said he would? I don't want to make you feel defensive - just trying to cover different possibilities here as we have limited information to go on, knowing neither of you. Personally, I feel you have every right to get openness and honesty in your relationship - as I'm like that too, but I never had any luck in helping a man change into an open and honest person and , instead, found someone who felt as I did on this matter. If he is lying about work, I'd consider that a serious matter. Edited October 10, 2012 by woinlove
CarboniteCammy Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Could it be that he worked late and then went out with friends to blow off steam? I don't know your situation, but I think it's pretty common for people go to a bar after work if they're young and don't have kids and such. Just out of curiousity, are you thinking he's cheating on you? Or, are you worried he's not working as much as he should, and thus won't be able to pull his weight? Or, is it the semantics of him being deceitful over what he was actually doing? I had an x who was really lazy like that at home, but who had a very demanding job. He slept late, came home from work late, and didn't want to help clean, make dinner, go grocery shopping, etc. He had me pay 1/2 the rent and 1/2 the bills (no problem there if everything else is split 50/50). He also made me a football widow during the late summer/fall/winter months. Taking care of his dog was also my responsiblity, because once I came into the picture, he suddenly didn't have time to walk her or train her. I realized that I was not going to be able to be a good partner for him, because I just flat out didn't respect him. I wasn't out to be anyone's live in maid/personal assistant and I ended up leaving him. I'm not sure how he ate or how his laundry got done or who fed the dog after I left, but hopefully he was able to find time to do those things.
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