Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) My breakup still hurts after 5 months. I know I broke NC about 2 weeks ago and was thrown back to square one, as it blew it in my face. It's his birthday today and I think I have learned my lesson because I really don't feel like communicating at all with him. I know it wouldn't work, he would only treat me as if I never existed in his life, after 3 years together, 2 of which we lived under the same roof...oh well, why can't I just move on? Why am I so sad today? Why can't I help this feeling, this horrible feeling of emptiness, pain, despair? I've got things to do and I am a mess! How pathetic am I? I'm trying not to feel things. I was numb a few days ago and it was great! Now it's all back inside me like an avalanche! How does one get over this? Wake me up, meeee!!!! Edited October 9, 2012 by Rosane
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 So in fact it's only been 2 weeks then. Stop kicking yourself - sometimes it's just unproductive. Look at your watch. Pick a time in the future, today. Any time. Now give yourself until then to wallow, rant, rave, scream, cry, and get it through your system. At that time, look at your watch and say - "OK That's enough for today, I'm done here, I have stuff to do now." Then go to your wardrobe, and pull everything you haven't worn for a year, out of there - and put it in a sack for a charity shop. It works. Do it.
Author Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I'm trying everything, will start therapy soon. But I think I haven't allowed myself to cry properly. I was in denial about the breakup, although I knew it was over. There was always that tiny bit inside me telling me all the time that there was a chance, that 'he did so much to be with you, he wouldn't have forgotten you like that'...all to unmask in the cruel yet necessary reality that he had moved on, he was gone, soul, heart and body. I think I'm beginning to live my breakup for real now, once Ms Hope has left the building. I delayed the process, I invited hope as an imposter so I would not feel the real, big pain that was inside me. I have always been a cryer, but this time was too big a pain to cope with to let any tears come. I have a big knot in my throat, tears even come, but it's nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling inside. If I start crying for real, I think neighbours will call the police; I shall make noise. I think it's because I'm also dealing with a mini life crisis, so things have heaped up. But, hey, it could be worse. I still have a lot to be grateful for, my brain tells me. I just hope my heart follows it. I don't want to be in pain, but I am. I wonder when I'm ever going to feel normal again.
Author Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 "closure is like vomit. It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system." so true, isn't it?
stemac Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Rosane stop being so hard on yourself its only 5 month, you loved him that love doesn't go away over night, its been over 2 month for me and i am still very heart Broken, there is no time limit on being hurt to get over it, I think i will always love my Ex, wish i wouldn't after what shes done to me, but that's me Its a hard time i can understand and its very painful, The only one who can get you through this is you! its a very hard battle i know because i am fighting with it myself, Keep fighting and one-day, it will be all behind you 2
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I know I broke NC about 2 weeks ago and was thrown back to square one, as it blew it in my face. I'm trying not to feel things. These are your issues right now. I'm sure you don't need the lecture on the NC-- you clearly see how that worked out for you. So I'm sure you won't be sticking your hand on the hot stove any time in the foreseeable future, if at ALL ever again. Secondly, you NEED to feel things. That's how you're going to start moving on. Ignoring it, trying to be numb... that's just masking what's going on. In order to process everything, you need to feel it. And it's going to suck. I'm 4 months out of a three year relationship and honestly, I'm 90% fine. The way I got over my ex, was to really recognize what kind of boyfriend he was to me. He really wasn't all that great at all, and I realized that I was more in love with the person he could have been, not the person he was. I stopped idealizing him and really started paying attention to the red flags that were waving in my face that I always ignored. Whenever I felt sad, I would think of all the crappy things he did to me. It would snap me right out of any funk. I really started taking care of myself. I pampered myself. I forced myself to go out with friends. I refused to let my ex win. I started to really and truly love myself. I started doing new things, having new experiences. I reconnected with old friends. I put myself out there. I allow people to stroke my ego. The first couple of months after the split, all I did was date. Not to get into a relationship, not to lead people on. But for my poor bruised ego. My ex made me feel worthless. I felt ugly around him. I let him brainwash me towards the end. I didn't feel good enough for him. So at the same time that I was validating myself, I was letting others show it to me as well. I was being taken out for dinner, being asked on dates, being courted. It felt GOOD to know that other people want me and that there's nothing wrong with me. I have kept very strict NC with my ex. I've deleted and blocked everything. There is nothing in my apartment from my ex, I have no notes, pictures, cards, NOTHING. There are no reminders around me to spark thoughts. I also never went into NC thinking it would bring him back. I accepted from day one that it was truly over. I didn't hold out hope that it would bring him back. Did I want him back? Yes. But I wasn't playing games trying to get him back. This is what helped me move on as well. I wasn't focused on him, or what he was doing. I was only focused on myself, and bettering my own life. If you're dwelling, hoping, wishing, wanting, you're doing yourself no favors. It's a lot of work. It's a full time job, but you can see the clear difference between myself, and most others on here still living in limbo. 4
Author Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Katzee, I can see he lost a great woman like you.
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Katzee, I can see he lost a great woman like you. He truly and honestly did. And I don't say that to be big-headed or arrogant. I just know myself, and I know how I treat people. Women like me are hard to find, and it's hilarious because he dumped me to try to date this girl he met at his new job, it was over in the blink of an eye. Like really? You're going to try and replace this? Good luck. I even told him that in my final text message. I'm sure you were a great girlfriend as well... and BOYS like our exes are completely undeserving of us. I just stumbled across a good post on FB today: "Sometime's life doesn't want to give you what you want. Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more." 2
blue_jay_bird Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Katzee, <3 1) He really wasn't a great boyfriend, stopped idealizing him. 2) You just got hired for the best job ever. "Focus on yourself, and making your life better. Just some main points i feel you put out. 1
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) Katzee, <3 1) He really wasn't a great boyfriend, stopped idealizing him. 2) You just got hired for the best job ever. "Focus on yourself, and making your life better. Just some main points i feel you put out. You are absolutely right. OP, you were just promoted to CEO of (Your name here) Enterprises. I feel like most people don't get this. Instead the hang around in the "I'm a victim" mentality. I won't deny how much being dumped sucks. It's a huge blow to the ego, especially if the dumpee has had the reasons to end the relationship but chose not to for whatever reason (I am one of these). However a lot of people think that it's the ex who is preventing them from moving on. They don't possibly think they could ever do better. Their validation as a human being comes only from their ex. The ex is never going to make your life better. No one else is going to help you move on. It's on the shoulders of whoever is hurting. I think there's so much wasted effort and thought on exes who are so completely undeserving. It's a waste of time. A lot of these dumpers are just immature, regardless of age, and it wouldn't matter what their dumpees did to try and win them back over, they won't have any of it. I think instead of having the "how do I get over my ex" threads, we should have one massive thread about learning to love yourself, learning how to establish boundaries, learning to how really understand what you need and deserve in a relationship. If people just treated others the way we all wish to be treated life would be so much simpler! Edited October 9, 2012 by KatZee 2
Author Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 katzee, all you said is very true and I won't question it, but we are all different. Each case is different, each breakup is different, each person reacts differently to it. All you say makes sense, but not everyone is on this strong frequency you are. I wish I was and it's about time I am. Because I have humiliated myself in front of him and I KNOW I'm responsible for that, I'm not proud, but I know I have delayed the process, like I put it before. I know I was in denial. Unfortunately, even knowing all this, my emotions got the better of me, they did. I'm not strong as you, so it's taken me a lot of self-hurt to realise a few things, but I'm not the victim. I know my part here.
Calico Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Katzee, I can see he lost a great woman like you. And she's powerfully sexy when she's angry and furious, too. *ducks* There's little to add to what she said. In the end, the way out is to just suck it up and let it go. It sounds much easier as it is, and I had a terrible day yesterday (which admittedly improved after I snapped at a friend of hers who got in my face needlessly), but those days are like rainy days: They don't mean that the sun won't ever shine again. They are only rainy days. Focusing on positive aspects is a deliberate mental effort, and it's hard work. Feelings are only responses to your thoughts. They are not an independent entity that you are a slave to. So, if you change your thoughts, your feelings will eventually follow suit. They have to. Start simply, e.g. with this: You always have the choice to either think a thought that makes you feel a little bit better or a little bit worse. Throw thoughts at yourself and see how they feel to you, how they make you feel. If nothing else helps, look at photos of kittens. For me, it sometimes helps a bit to try and answer the question what it is that I really miss, and occasionally that makes me realize that those things that I miss are more about myself than about her. And since they are about me, it also means that I can also change them independently of her, or anyone other person. Healing yourself requires only one person: yourself, and you will always have yourself. 1
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 katzee, all you said is very true and I won't question it, but we are all different. Each case is different, each breakup is different, each person reacts differently to it. All you say makes sense, but not everyone is on this strong frequency you are. I wish I was and it's about time I am. Because I have humiliated myself in front of him and I KNOW I'm responsible for that, I'm not proud, but I know I have delayed the process, like I put it before. I know I was in denial. Unfortunately, even knowing all this, my emotions got the better of me, they did. I'm not strong as you, so it's taken me a lot of self-hurt to realise a few things, but I'm not the victim. I know my part here. I was not always on this strong frequency. If I were posting as the 19 year old version of myself I think you'd all be really embarrassed for me. You live and you learn to get where I am. It took a terrible breakup, and a few subsequent bad relationships to get where I am, and I made all the humiliating mistakes most on here have made. As long as you always learn from your experiences, you're good. And I never meant that you acted like a victim, that was kind of a general statement regarding a lot of the stuff I've seen on these forums.
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 And she's powerfully sexy when she's angry and furious, too. *ducks* There's little to add to what she said. In the end, the way out is to just suck it up and let it go. It sounds much easier as it is, and I had a terrible day yesterday (which admittedly improved after I snapped at a friend of hers who got in my face needlessly), but those days are like rainy days: They don't mean that the sun won't ever shine again. They are only rainy days. Focusing on positive aspects is a deliberate mental effort, and it's hard work. Feelings are only responses to your thoughts. They are not an independent entity that you are a slave to. So, if you change your thoughts, your feelings will eventually follow suit. They have to. Start simply, e.g. with this: You always have the choice to either think a thought that makes you feel a little bit better or a little bit worse. Throw thoughts at yourself and see how they feel to you, how they make you feel. If nothing else helps, look at photos of kittens. For me, it sometimes helps a bit to try and answer the question what it is that I really miss, and occasionally that makes me realize that those things that I miss are more about myself than about her. And since they are about me, it also means that I can also change them independently of her, or anyone other person. Healing yourself requires only one person: yourself, and you will always have yourself. Oh stoooppp You guys here do wonders for my healing ego as well But you are right, and something you said at the end how the things you miss are really more about yourself really struck a cord, because this explains why I sometimes feel that "missing" feeling. And I just thought about it, and you're right. Everything I "miss" really isn't him. It's the situations I used to be in, the large family I was exposed to. I never had that growing up, and my family is still extremely small now. I miss that tight knit feeling, but I'm sure I can find that anywhere, and I can create my own large family once I'm married and start having kids.
Author Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I was not always on this strong frequency. If I were posting as the 19 year old version of myself I think you'd all be really embarrassed for me. You live and you learn to get where I am. It took a terrible breakup, and a few subsequent bad relationships to get where I am, and I made all the humiliating mistakes most on here have made. As long as you always learn from your experiences, you're good. And I never meant that you acted like a victim, that was kind of a general statement regarding a lot of the stuff I've seen on these forums. You were 19? Oh well, it happens. Be proud, you've learned. I'm not in a good place, I'm in the middle of my crisis. I will pull myself out, but I'm not that young anymore. This breakup was a big OUCH! I moved away from my family and roots to be with this person. I know what's he's really like, this shall pass because he's not worth it, but I also had my part in it. What drove me crazy is that he gave me that "it's not you, I'm depressed" just to be with someone else in a couple of months. None of my past breakups were that painful.
Author Rosane Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Calico, I love the photo of this kitten in your display pic. I will try to think of them.
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 You were 19? Oh well, it happens. Be proud, you've learned. I'm not in a good place, I'm in the middle of my crisis. I will pull myself out, but I'm not that young anymore. This breakup was a big OUCH! I moved away from my family and roots to be with this person. I know what's he's really like, this shall pass because he's not worth it, but I also had my part in it. What drove me crazy is that he gave me that "it's not you, I'm depressed" just to be with someone else in a couple of months. None of my past breakups were that painful. I was 19 when I went through my first love heartbreak. The one I pretty much learned all lessons from because I made every mistake in the book with that ex. Like... EVERY.MISTAKE. I'm pushing 30 now And I almost moved out of state for my ex too! That's how much I would have given of myself to him. Thank God that never came to pass. My ex also gave me that "It's not you it's me" line! hahahahah. Saying he needed to be "single to find himself" That he had no clue who he was and his head wasn't on straight. A month later he's with the girl from his new job. Like I'm really that stupid to think you didn't meet her before you dumped me. Idiot. My first love breakup wasn't this bad either. I was the one who messed that one up so I held that pain for SIX YEARS!!! I think when you feel the guilt yourself you tend to dwell more and think of the "what if's." I think if you now realize that he's not worth it, and you see his true colors, and you start to REALLY DRILL that in, you will find it easier to move on. Start getting angry. The anger will really propel you forward. YOU DESERVE MORE. YOU'RE WORTH MORE. He didn't give you what you're worth! RRRAARRRRR!
Calico Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Calico, I love the photo of this kitten in your display pic. I will try to think of them. Here, whenever you think thoughts that drag you down, spend a couple minutes on there: Good Morning Kitten - Cute Kitten Pictures and LOLs Unless someone doesn't like cats, this is almost guaranteed to lift your spirits. There is much cuteness and beauty in this world, even when everything seems bleak on a rainy day. 1
LostOne1 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 My first love breakup wasn't this bad either. I was the one who messed that one up so I held that pain for SIX YEARS!!! I think when you feel the guilt yourself you tend to dwell more and think of the "what if's." I think if you now realize that he's not worth it, and you see his true colors, and you start to REALLY DRILL that in, you will find it easier to move on. Start getting angry. The anger will really propel you forward. YOU DESERVE MORE. YOU'RE WORTH MORE. He didn't give you what you're worth! RRRAARRRRR! I kinda feel that way.. where I blame myself. And it seems so tough to live life thinking I did this wrong.. I had chances to change it, I had people telling me to change it and I didn't listen till it was too late. It's VERY tough to move on in life thinking next time I won't make that mistake, but having to let someone go knowing you don't have another chance. As for drilling things like the ex isn't worth it. I feel that helps, that is kinda what got me to push on. Hate doesn't work though as much, I think it will fade. So it's a good short term technique. But I'm over the hate stage now, because I rather be sorry and SEE my mistakes. If I keep hate like my ex, then in the future I won't learn anything. I'll just hate and put all the blame on the ex, and think I was perfect. And I wasn't perfect....
Author Rosane Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Calico, thanks for the kittens' pics, they are adorable! I find cats very comforting and soothing to observe. Unfortunately, I can't have a pet now (landlord doesn't allow them), but as soon as I can I will have one. I think you're right about the hate thing. I couldn't even indulge myself to hate him, as it would only make things worse at the moment- you know what they say about love and hate- And I know I made mistakes too, I'm not perfect. I'd rather move on and let go. I just don't feel I have the coping tools right now. Mind you, so much happening! I lost my mum last year, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with a horrible illness on top of a mental condition which got worse after that. She shut me out, can't even help her. I had to move house, city, change jobs, then try to change again, but the search has been unsuccessful so far. No wonder I'm feeling a bit crappy, to put it lightly. I'm lucky I still have some money behind me, though not for good. I'm lucky I have my health too. I don't know if I will ever make the same mistake again, but only the frequency I choose to put myself in will tell; if I can change that, I can change the rest. I know there will be better days, it won't be rainy forever, as you said. I've tried to carry on and suppressed a lot of my pain, no good, but I will release it. I'll come out on the other side like a star Watch me! Thanks for your kind words, your empathy, that's what I needed the most. Katzee, thanks for tough love I think you still harbour some tiny pain in there... well, you know that, as you put it.
Author Rosane Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I kinda feel that way.. where I blame myself. And it seems so tough to live life thinking I did this wrong.. I had chances to change it, I had people telling me to change it and I didn't listen till it was too late. It's VERY tough to move on in life thinking next time I won't make that mistake, but having to let someone go knowing you don't have another chance. As for drilling things like the ex isn't worth it. I feel that helps, that is kinda what got me to push on. Hate doesn't work though as much, I think it will fade. So it's a good short term technique. But I'm over the hate stage now, because I rather be sorry and SEE my mistakes. If I keep hate like my ex, then in the future I won't learn anything. I'll just hate and put all the blame on the ex, and think I was perfect. And I wasn't perfect.... Oh, it was Lost1 who posted about the hate/mistake thing, ok, thank you too for that.
Mr Reptile Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I was 19 when I went through my first love heartbreak. The one I pretty much learned all lessons from because I made every mistake in the book with that ex. Like... EVERY.MISTAKE. I'm pushing 30 now And I almost moved out of state for my ex too! That's how much I would have given of myself to him. Thank God that never came to pass. My ex also gave me that "It's not you it's me" line! hahahahah. Saying he needed to be "single to find himself" That he had no clue who he was and his head wasn't on straight. A month later he's with the girl from his new job. Like I'm really that stupid to think you didn't meet her before you dumped me. Idiot. My first love breakup wasn't this bad either. I was the one who messed that one up so I held that pain for SIX YEARS!!! I think when you feel the guilt yourself you tend to dwell more and think of the "what if's." I think if you now realize that he's not worth it, and you see his true colors, and you start to REALLY DRILL that in, you will find it easier to move on. Start getting angry. The anger will really propel you forward. YOU DESERVE MORE. YOU'RE WORTH MORE. He didn't give you what you're worth! RRRAARRRRR! I recognize this story... oh, it's exactly like my previous relationship! I did mistakes ofc (no cheating or something) just many small mistakes, then she dumped me. A month later she got in a new relationship with a guy from... hang on... her WORK He was no threat, "just a friend". But I'm glad she did this, now I know her true colours. She's not worth it.
Leigh 87 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I need to ask y'all a question..... I talked to my boyfriend about this and we both want to know: how on earth can you be intimate and the closest person TO another person for THREE YEARS, and have them suddenly not even CARE that your alive? .................?!?!??!!!!!#!#! To us, either the relationship consciously fades out to the point where your indifferent, or the feelings were not strong enough to start out with and you were merely bonded and attatched...........which again leads to indifference. Or one or both cheated. Then I would go strong no contact, if a man betrayed me. I cannot think of ANY reasons why a person who truly loves another person, could just ....cut contact after years together. How can a person from strong love, to .. not caring at all?!?!?!
Mr Reptile Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) I need to ask y'all a question..... I talked to my boyfriend about this and we both want to know: how on earth can you be intimate and the closest person TO another person for THREE YEARS, and have them suddenly not even CARE that your alive? .................?!?!??!!!!!#!#! To us, either the relationship consciously fades out to the point where your indifferent, or the feelings were not strong enough to start out with and you were merely bonded and attatched...........which again leads to indifference. Or one or both cheated. Then I would go strong no contact, if a man betrayed me. I cannot think of ANY reasons why a person who truly loves another person, could just ....cut contact after years together. How can a person from strong love, to .. not caring at all?!?!?! Because they think the grass is greener on the other side. Often it SEEMS like they don't care just because they got another guy/girl instantly. It's a mask they put on, they probably care more than you think, but they don't show it. Alone they cry and maybe going crazy about it, don't just assume that they don't care just because you can't see it. When we are going NC with our exes who dumped us, I bet they are thinking like you "how can (s)he just drop me off never speak to me again without caring??" The truth is we are dying to contact them, but we don't, because it would only hurt more than doing good. EDIT: I'm not sure if I got your question right when I read it again, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Edited October 10, 2012 by Mr Reptile
Leigh 87 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Reptile - I hear you, you did address my question. I suppose it is just a very strange way to go about things to me... If you want to leave a person you really love, knowing full well it would devastate them, at LEAST have the decency to TELL them what is going on. Running away in order to avert their meltdown and tears is just.... In a good relationship both parties communicate about their issues. Heck, I have even talked to my partner about how we will both deal with it when we come across another person we find attractive and catch " feelings" for. We talked about what we would both like the other to do, wheather we were both heavily invested in safeguarding our relationship, and how we both REALLY value honestly. If everthing is quiet transparent, and two people seldom withhold any major emotional turmoil from each other, then why would you NOT talk about making such a big desision; as to LEAVE? No, if anyone pulls this on me, than everything was NOT as it seamed.. we were not as honest and open with each other as I thought we were!
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