Coffee20 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Since the break up and now it has been half a year, I am stuck in a weird place. I mean like the past haunts me now. For example: I went for a few dates with a boy. I felt completely nothing but I decided I will force myself to have something (no we didn't have sex) with him. Next day when I woke up I felt ill. I mean I really had fewer and got the same symptoms when my ex infected me. That boy was alright, no illness. I decided that I am not ready to date so I told him I was sorry but I wasn't over my ex. I was ill for a week. Another example: My music teacher came to our house because I had better instrument here. I offered him a coffee (he always does the same) but then I almost wasn't able to make it. I thought about it, whether it was well made and then came to my mind that it was maybe another reason why my ex left me - I wasn't a good cook and maybe he didn't even like my tea (he didn't drink coffee). I know its not logical and it almost doesn't mean sense (who can spoil a tea or a coffee lol ??) but it just came to my mind. My mind started to bring up my past when it's really not important and when it isn't really necessary. I am starting to push people away from me and I am scared to get close to someone as I think that they will use me or turn things against me. I sometimes behave really weird and some people have already noticed. Anyone feels the same and how did you get over it? And please no psychiatrists....
geegirl Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) The past will haunt you especially when you have been in an abusive relationship. It's much harder to rebuild and reinvent yourself when you've been damaged by the toxicity of an unhealthy relationship. You question your tea making skills because your past relationship kept you feeling doubtful about yourself and everything you did. You were in a relationship that diminished your self-esteem and your value. He made you feel unworthy, and in that sense, you've accepted his perceptions of you as true because you don't have the self-esteem to grasp or know who you are. You lost your sense of SELF when you slowly transitioned yourself into being an extension of him. In order to work through that, you have to go back to the drawing board and start rebuilding yourself. Finding Coffee and who she was before she was emotionally battered by her relationship. Were you ever doubtful of tea making before the clown? If no, then why even entertain the thought? Whenever you have doubt about yourself, change that channel. You have to begin planting positive seeds within yourself. I pushed people away and was fearful of getting close to anyone after my break-up. I was subconsciously protecting myself from any potential or possible hurt that could arise from being around people. I was ultra-sensitive and anything anyone would say would send me into hiding, even when it was nothing. I was keeping everone at arms length. It's normal that you are going through this as you are healing. You're fragile. When you break something, you glue it together and you place it away from everything else because you don't want anyone to touch it because it's fragile. Just as you are feeling broken, you're protective and cautious about letting anyone hurt you again so you retreat. It's perfectly alright to feel that way. As time goes by, and I always say this, it's what you do with that time that matters, you will begin to feel a little stronger to venture out there again. You'll take little baby steps and start living life again. You'll start gaining confidence, little by little and you'll start slowly believing in yourself rather than the perceptions of your ex. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I would suggest therapy as it really helped me but I know it's something you have to want and no amount of coaxing will make you do it. Edited October 9, 2012 by geegirl
Author Coffee20 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 thank you geegirl, your answers are always very helpful to me, you should be a therapist no I have bad experience with therapists and psychiatrists and now I have trust issues and those people scare me I try as much as I can....but still it's hard, it's even hard for me to accept that it's partly my fault that I accepted the bad and invited it into my life
geegirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 thank you geegirl, your answers are always very helpful to me, you should be a therapist no I have bad experience with therapists and psychiatrists and now I have trust issues and those people scare me I try as much as I can....but still it's hard, it's even hard for me to accept that it's partly my fault that I accepted the bad and invited it into my life I'm sorry you had bad experiences. When I was in search of a therapist, I too had some bad experiences. I remember there was a male therapist and whenever I would feel bad about my ex and open up to him, he would say some really awful things to me and sometimes he would get mad. I met the one after going through 5 others. You have to find one that fits your needs. I know it's hard to go through that process but maybe it's worth the effort to at least try again. You can't keep beating yourself over spilt milk, Coffee. All you can do is try to work on creating better boundaries for yourself so that the next time you entangle yourself with negativity, you know how to get out. If you had faults in the R, and you identify them, then work on turning it around. You can't keep going through life looking over your shoulder. What's done is done. Even if you were perfect, Coffee, it would have been so wrong for you because he's not emotionally or mentally sound. Try not to beat yourself up about it. In fact go back and read your old threads. What he did to you was awful. Stop trying to take responsibility. I mean, we all mess up but no one is deserving of what you went through.
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