TheBoredOne Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Hi all, first post on the forums, hope you guys can help me out somehow. So anyways, my ex boyfriend broke up with me about five months ago. We dated for a year and a half. I'm well over the relationship, and we have both dated other people since. I'm not dating anyone currently, but he just entered a relationship not too long ago. A few weeks ago, I found out some things that I didn't like. I heard he was doing a friends with benefits deal with the girl he's now dating (at the time they weren't dating, but I heard they were doing FWB) and it upset me because he gave me the impression he was against sex before marriage while he was with me. It may seem petty but I felt very lied to. After this, I took some time to think and I deleted him & his family off facebook-- for this reason and for the fact that I felt out of place now that he was getting involved with some other girl. I had full intentions to go NC after this point, since I was extremely angry with him. He had messaged me before I started college and a week into college he messaged me again, but at that point I had heard what I had heard so the conversation was very distant on my part. About a week ago, a friend told me his new relationship was fb official, so I sent him a text saying congrats, and basically it was a new re-attempt at friendship and I offered to add him back & he kindly accepted. I decided that maybe I should let things go. He also apologized for not talking to me a lot and said that he didn't notice until now that I had deleted him. I was not sure how right I was in deleting his mother and family off of facebook, but I felt out of place having them on there. I felt like there was no longer a purpose, and yeah I was wondering if anyone else could relate to that. I also am having issues when it comes to being his 'friend', we have both moved on but sometimes I regret trying to be friends again, and I'm wondering if I should just do a straight NC for good this time. I do not attempt to talk to him, if we chat (aside from last weekend) it is because he starts it. When we talk, we actually get along quite well, but after the chats I have endless feelings of resentment and hate for him, so I don't always know if trying to be friends is the right thing. Any advice? Should I try and be friends? What do you guys suggest?
curiouslyhuman Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 It really depends on your emotional state with the ex. If you are comfortable with him seeing other women, dating, talking to you about sex, life plans and love without it having an effect on you then by all means be friends, especially if you have common interests. From the last part of your text, i would suggest waiting awhile since you get upset at his actions. Friends dont judge, they accept you for who you are and what you do. They may not agree, but a good friend will stick with you through and through. Also, him having a FWB should no longer be of your concern if you truly want to be his friend. Since you no longer have a relationship, he doesnt owe you anything and vice versa. He can change his mind if he wants too, thats just life. Its not easy for ex's to be friends because usually the past relationship screws things up and creates uncomfortable roadblocks, but it all depends on how you view eachother. I have ex's im friends with, some im not. Hope this helped!
NoMoreJerks Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) I also am having issues when it comes to being his 'friend', we have both moved on but sometimes I regret trying to be friends again, and I'm wondering if I should just do a straight NC for good this time. I do not attempt to talk to him, if we chat (aside from last weekend) it is because he starts it. When we talk, we actually get along quite well, but after the chats I have endless feelings of resentment and hate for him, so I don't always know if trying to be friends is the right thing. Any advice? Should I try and be friends? What do you guys suggest? I don't want to be friends with my ex. He wants to for a number of reasons: 1) FWB 2) Keep me on the side in case he has a dry spell (no sex); relates to #1 3) Keep me on the side in case he decides to have a relationship 4) Not feel guilty about it; feel like he didn't do anything wrong, because I'm OK with us being friends Why give him the benefit of my company/friendship or guilt relief (let alone sex - NO WAY ) when he didn't appreciate it when we were together? It's not like we fell out because we were "just" incompatible, and decided to end it amicably. There was more to it than that, and so, I feel that he does not deserve my friendship, nor do I want his. A guy who treated me like **** will treat me no less ****ty as a friend. A lover is a friend first. If he wasn't, he will never be. Edited October 9, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Any advice? Ooh yeah, plenty.... Should I try and be friends? Why? What's the point? What's the need? Why are you asking questions about someone you should be completely indifferent to...? What do you guys suggest? I suggest you forget any notion of 'being friends with my ex-' out of respect for his current GF, and out of self-respect for you, because to be honest - sorry about this, but - you sound clingy, needy and ever-so-slightly obsessed about it.... If you're feeling odd about it - then it's patently, obviously NOT A GOOD IDEA! 1
foreverastone Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I think you should do what you think is right for you. If being friends with him will put you at ease then go for it and be friends with him If being friends with him churns up more problems then perhaps leave it Never regret anything you do only what you didn't do because what you didn't do will always come back and haunt you with "what ifs?" If you do something and the outcome isn't good then at least you know and have your final answer Good luck and stay strong!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I think you should do what you think is right for you. She doesn't have a clue, that's why she's asking.... If being friends with him will put you at ease then go for it and be friends with him It won't - she's already expressing concerns... If being friends with him churns up more problems then perhaps leave it The potential has ALREADY churned up problems.... Never regret anything you do only what you didn't do because what you didn't do will always come back and haunt you with "what ifs?" Not always true, unfortunately, as those who foolishly broke 'No Contact' will testify... If you do something and the outcome isn't good then at least you know and have your final answer I suspect she already knows the answer... but is really looking for confirmation.... Good luck and stay strong!!!! ...But I wholeheartedly echo this....
foreverastone Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Not always true, unfortunately, as those who foolishly broke 'No Contact' will testify... To be honest I never did understand that. I always thought that if you did do something then you were prepared to take the consequences of your actions and if you aren't then don't do it
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 The problem is, they were all as sure as you are that breaking NC was a good thing and would lead to a positive result. That's why they had their hopes dashed. Because no matter to what level they were hopeful, no matter what their rationale, reasoning or justification - they left themselves open enough to be shot down in flames, because they believed the hopeful lies their hearts were telling them. 1
KatZee Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Yeah, I'm with everyone else. I'm not really understanding the "point" in being friends with him. I don't take the term "friends" loosely. If you're my friend, that means we talk on a regular basis, we hang out, we're close, we treat each other with mutual respect. Anyone else who is somewhat in my life but not really IN it, is relegated to "acquaintance." Even these people I will talk to on a regular but infrequent basis. I won't necessarily hang out with you often. As for an ex, I'm not sure what your intentions are, but are you really going to be "friends" with him? As in keeping contact regularly? Seeing him out? Hanging out with his group of friends? If you're really never going to see him, or anything like that, he's not a friend. POSSIBLY an acquaintance but I'd assume he'd actually be on a lower rung than that. So what's the point of even keeping that in your life? I don't think you'd be particularly happy seeing all the new lovey posts with his new girlfriend, and if you try interacting on facebook by "liking" posts or statuses or pictures, you may weird the new girlfriend out and cause drama with them...and provoke questions such as: "Why does your ex keep hanging around?" When I was dating my now ex, his ex tried to do the "friends" thing. She continued to come out with us as a group... it was just ODD. It gave EVERYONE the impression she wasn't over him, was dwelling, trying to get him back, even if that wasn't her intention, her behavior SCREAMED it. It caused more than enough drama between my bf and I. He's your ex. He's not your friend. He doesn't really have any large say or impact on your future. Don't hang around in the past, keep it going with your own life. Make new friends. 1
flitzanu Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Hi all, first post on the forums, hope you guys can help me out somehow. So anyways, my ex boyfriend broke up with me about five months ago. We dated for a year and a half. I'm well over the relationship, no you're not. or you wouldn't have typed the page length of your issues with his life AFTER you've been broken up.
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