BlueLP Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I wanted to take a survey and get some people's opinions on a few questions about love and relationships that I have been discussing with someone close. Here they are: 1. Do people ever know 100% that a person is "the one" for them and never experience any doubts while going through a serious, loving relationship? You hear some people argue that one scary (and maybe exciting?) part about love is that everyone experiences some doubts from time to time. None of us are perfect, and being with the "right person" isn't about finding some fantasy prince or princess...that's what Hollywood and society would lead us to believe, but in reality love is much scarier. You have doubts because the other person (and you yourself) aren't perfect, but in the end you think that they are the right person for you, because they always end up overcoming the doubts in your heart, and you love them flaws and all. On the other hand, you hear some people argue that they just know that a person is the right one for them, they just know it in their heart. At some point in the relationship they get the feeling that a person is the one they've always been looking for, and they know in their heart that this person is "the one." Doubts don't really happen because there is such a strong base of feeling and security that there is no need to doubt the other person or the relationship. They are constantly ecstatic and excited and blown away to be with the other person. Sure, problems might happen from time to time, but they shouldn't raise any sort of doubt in the person if they are with the right one for them. 2. Should a couple's feelings for each other always be on the same level? Is it a problem, or normal for one partner's feelings to be less or faded at a particular time than the other one? Is it a natural progression in relationships for a couple's feelings to wax and wane in relationship to each other, or is an indication that a relationship is in trouble if one person experiences a period of lessened or lost emotion relative to the other? 3. Relationship work/struggles...One view of struggling while making a relationship work is that it is an indication that things are going wrong. Good relationships should just flow and not be much work, and too much struggling is an indication that maybe the people aren't the best fit for each other. This view could be summarized as "struggles aren't necessary with the right person, because the relationship already runs smoothly." Another view is that relationship struggles make you stronger, more wise, and are a necessary part of any relationship. How you learn to deal with your and your partner's particular relationship struggles is an important part of defining your relationship, and building a more solid base for the future. This line of thought would be summarized as "we all struggle because we must learn how to love each other." 4. Related to the last question, when do you know when to stop trying and to end a relationship? At what point is the struggling too much to endure, and any hope for something good should be abandoned? I know these are probably difficult questions to answer, but I really appreciate any responses people would like to give. I'm especially interested to hear from older and more experienced people than myself (I'm 22).
sportsloving Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 1. Do people ever know 100% that a person is "the one" for them and never experience any doubts while going through a serious, loving relationship? I know my S/O is my one, have known it for a quite a long time. He would tell you the same. He never had any doubts about it, and would carry me through quite a few times when I would get to wondering or doubting. I never doubted that he was the "one" for me but rather the intelligence that fate/destiny/ whatnots felt that I (being on me) should be with someone so much more "grounded" than I. I no longer go through doubts but for a bit of time, it was quite often that I was questioning Us. 2. Should a couple's feelings for each other always be on the same level? Is it a problem, or normal for one partner's feelings to be less or faded at a particular time than the other one? Is it a natural progression in relationships for a couple's feelings to wax and wane in relationship to each other, or is an indication that a relationship is in trouble if one person experiences a period of lessened or lost emotion relative to the other? Many times we will be on the same level as each other.. but there are times when one partner must be a tad stronger than the other. Life gets in the way, outside activities interfer ... but if you have a strong base of feelings, I don't think one is actually feeling more or less ... it is their ability to show or communicate that feeling. For instance, I had started a business and then it kind of died out on me ... I was upset and hurt, I wasn't leaning on him so much as ranting about the world and the way it works. I was in total woe is me stage, and feeling as if nothing in my life was working the way I wanted. I took it out on him in small ways, being short during conversations, withdrawing blah blah. It didn't mean the feelings had waxed or waned, just meant that my abilities to show the one I cared had diminished. By no way did it mean Us a couple was in trouble, but it did cause some tense moments. We worked through them, and ended up stronger on the end. 3. Relationship work/struggles...One view of struggling while making a relationship work is that it is an indication that things are going wrong. Good relationships should just flow and not be much work, and too much struggling is an indication that maybe the people aren't the best fit for each other. I don't believe this to be true. Even a relationship between a mother and a child has it's struggles and the ones who can work through things are the ones that stay together. Sure for the most part your relationship should bring you happiness and joy ... but no one promised that it would be "you met the one and life is smooth sailing afterwards". A relationship is two separate individuals building some form of life together ... no two people are exactly the same, think the same or react the same. It is the ones who are able to communicate, compromise and deal with issues that are they ones who are able to make it look so easy . There are always going to be speed bumps in life, it is the manner in which you deal with them that can make or break your relationship. 4. Related to the last question, when do you know when to stop trying and to end a relationship? At what point is the struggling too much to endure, and any hope for something good should be abandoned? Everyone has their own breaking point where it becomes the point of no return. My general idea is when the relationship is causing more pain than happiness, and nothing can be resolved ... it is time to jump ship. It is all in relation to who is in the relationship, what the major factors are, and how much they are willing to try. Some are willing to try more, some are unable too. It is simply based on personal reference. I don't know if I helped or hindered your search for answers, but these are as they pertain to my opinions and ideas. Good luck to you
lexnmike4enomore Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Originally posted by BlueLP 1. Do people ever know 100% that a person is "the one" for them and never experience any doubts while going through a serious, loving relationship? I did. About 2 months ago I was with my BF...i know that me and him were going to get married. Were still together 3 years later. 2. Should a couple's feelings for each other always be on the same level? Is it a problem, or normal for one partner's feelings to be less or faded at a particular time than the other one? Is it a natural progression in relationships for a couple's feelings to wax and wane in relationship to each other, or is an indication that a relationship is in trouble if one person experiences a period of lessened or lost emotion relative to the other? I think so. Although we are still together, its not the same as when we first started dating. 3. Relationship work/struggles...One view of struggling while making a relationship work is that it is an indication that things are going wrong. Good relationships should just flow and not be much work, and too much struggling is an indication that maybe the people aren't the best fit for each other. This view could be summarized as "struggles aren't necessary with the right person, because the relationship already runs smoothly." Another view is that relationship struggles make you stronger, more wise, and are a necessary part of any relationship. How you learn to deal with your and your partner's particular relationship struggles is an important part of defining your relationship, and building a more solid base for the future. This line of thought would be summarized as "we all struggle because we must learn how to love each other." This is true in a way. You shouldn't have to work that hard to make it work. BUT ever hear that saying "Love is never having to say your sorry" Thats Bulls***. People fight, have differences. To me, that means your in a healthy relationship. If you have to go to counseling...GO TO COUNSELING!!! Anything not to make the love of your life go away. but if you have to work REALLY REALLY hard...its not worth it. 4. Related to the last question, when do you know when to stop trying and to end a relationship? At what point is the struggling too much to endure, and any hope for something good should be abandoned? Ya just know.
HokeyReligions Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Originally posted by BlueLP I wanted to take a survey and get some people's opinions on a few questions about love and relationships that I have been discussing with someone close. Here they are: 1. Do people ever know 100% that a person is "the one" for them and never experience any doubts while going through a serious, loving relationship? Yes. I knew the night I met my husband that he was the one. It was a calm feeling, not passionate or 'blown away', just a matter-of-fact feeling. We dated for two years and then got married. Never any doubt. He was nervous about being married, but he was never unsure about me. [color=darkblue]They are constantly ecstatic and excited and blown away to be with the other person.[/color] This was not the case with us. We argued sometimes, debated sometimes, and we talked a lot. It wasn't a physical lust or passion (that was there too, but it was low on the priorities) and sometimes we felt too comfortable with each other. When we did have a couple of pretty severe arguments (split up a couple of times) it was not because we doubted we were right for each other. It was the problems themselves that pushed a wedge between us. We never doubted that we were right for each other. 2. Should a couple's feelings for each other always be on the same level? Is it a problem, or normal for one partner's feelings to be less or faded at a particular time than the other one? Is it a natural progression in relationships for a couple's feelings to wax and wane in relationship to each other, or is an indication that a relationship is in trouble if one person experiences a period of lessened or lost emotion relative to the other? No. It's impossible for two people to always be perfectly in tune with each other. There are times over the years where I'll look at him and wonder what the heck I saw in him! Ditto him for me. It is normal for the strength of people's feelings to ebb and flow with outside circumstances. Job stress, family, friends, children, parents, pets, money, church, politics, etc. All of these things effect people in different ways and to different degrees. Believing that someone else is going to feel exactly the way you feel about any given situation is like telling someone else to put on a sweater because you are cold. That includes feelings for each other. So much depends on the circumstance. It does not necessarily mean that its an indicator of the end of the relationship. But, if the problems persist and counseling does not help--then maybe it is. In my life right now, my husband of over 20 years and I are getting a divorce. We still live together because of financial responsibilities and limitations. We have gone to counseling to help us deal with this. The reason we are divorcing has nothing to do with our knowing that we are right for each other, and we don't consider our marriage a failure---it is still a resounding success. However, we lost two teenage children within a few years of each other. It changed us and we need time apart to heal. Whether we get back together remains to be seen. We can't think about that until he has actually moved out and we live apart for a while. We still have no doubts that we were right for each other. 3. Relationship work/struggles...One view of struggling while making a relationship work is that it is an indication that things are going wrong. Good relationships should just flow and not be much work, and too much struggling is an indication that maybe the people aren't the best fit for each other. This view could be summarized as "struggles aren't necessary with the right person, because the relationship already runs smoothly." Another view is that relationship struggles make you stronger, more wise, and are a necessary part of any relationship. How you learn to deal with your and your partner's particular relationship struggles is an important part of defining your relationship, and building a more solid base for the future. This line of thought would be summarized as "we all struggle because we must learn how to love each other." I'm not sure what you are asking here. Every couple is unique. Everything you said holds true for some and false for others. We struggled with outside forces. Money, jobs, environment, family, health, etc. All of these things had an impact on us as individuals and as a couple. He dealt with my money worries by being upbeat and comforting and I dealt with his family stress by standing by him, running interference, and giving him a good excuse to not see his family when they made demands! We argued sometimes because of frustration when I didn't think he was taking something seriously enough, things like that. We worked it out--sometimes on our own and a couple of times with counseling. He was severely abused as a child and that really negatively impacted our marriage. I had to learn how to cope with it too. 4. Related to the last question, when do you know when to stop trying and to end a relationship? At what point is the struggling too much to endure, and any hope for something good should be abandoned? When we've been through counseling and have clearly seen that what we need for our own happiness is to deal with it alone. When we realized that until we worked through our own pain, we could not make the other person happy, and when we each realized that the other person's happiness didn't matter to us anymore. That is more me than him. He still wanted to make me happy, but I found that I just didn't really care if he was happy any more. I don't want him to be miserable and hurt. I don't wish anything bad for him. I just stopped caring about his happiness. I'm too empty inside from the loss of my children. That is not fair to him. He deserves to live with someone who cares about him and will work and do things for him to be happy. I tried, we followed the counselors advice and I did put forth an effort---but it was all just going through the motions. No spark of Emotion from me. In the past, there was always some type of emotions--even if it was negative. Counseling taught us how to turn that negative energy into positive energy and use it to strengthen our marriage. This time I feel like a dried up husk, incapable of feeling. I am hoping that by living on my own (well, my invalid mother lives with us and I'll still have to take care of her) I will find my way back to feeling something.
Author BlueLP Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 Thanks, these have been really thoughtful replies so far.
niko1999 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Moi, once again, you have been so helpful to me. I dont know if you read my post that I made the other day, but if you have, then you should see how your post helped me feel better. I was feeling that my relationship is over, sat down and gave ti some thought, and I think I need to let some time pass. Sorry I couldnt reply to the post directly, beucase I am having issues taht I cant answer your posts.
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