ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 My husband has had multiple affairs (which of course I'm not proud of). He's come clean and told me that they were all one night stands.... except one that he slept with twice.... one got pregnant and had his child a month ago.... Anyhow, my question is this... he never used protection with any of these women, never asked if they used BC nor did they request he use a condom. I'm going tomorrow for my STD appointment and have cut my H off since finding out all of this... but it's been going on for a year now. I want to tell these women to be tested... as well as their husbands. I only have one phone number for one of them and she refuses to talk to me and denies any wrong doing (because she's married). The other woman he doesn't remember their names, never got a number or if he did he threw it away..... I'm angry yes.... but in my heart... I want to help these women and tell them to get tested.... how do I do this? Run an ad in the newspaper??? Kidding..... Please help!
honey2005 Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I don't know how you can find the women, but you and your husband definitely need to get tested. I think it was VERY irresponsible of your husband to do this to you and the families of the other women. I mean, the men who are having affairs with just one other woman aren't putting their wives at as much a risk as he put you. What kind of husband does this? He goes and has a one night stand (or 2 nights) and doesn't even use a condom?! How considerate . I don't see how you're so calm about this, you must be a very strong woman, and very considerate if you're thinking about the other women in the situation. I recommend going tomorrow for your test, then if anything shows up, call the woman who's number you do have and tell her. (I can't believe your husband didn't ask them for their name?! Ahh!.) And then I recommend sitting down and deciding if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who would put you in that kind of danger. Good luck tomorrow, I hope you come back with good news.
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 If he comes back positive for something, he should be able to tell the public health people in confidence who he's slept with. He's already established himself as a liar-I'm fairly sure he knows who he has slept with.
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 He doesn't know anything but their first name and he even gets that messed up.... with except to two of them. The others he knows nothing about - met them at a bar, lake, wherever - did his thing and that was it....
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Is that what he told you? I'd seriously question the validity of that statement if it comes from his lips.
MissThing123 Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I don't have an advice on how you can contact these woman..... I don't know why you would care anyways..... I have one question for you.... how do you deal with a man like that ? I ask this because my husband just cheated on me & my heart is 2 the ground... I really don't know how 2 deal with it??? please any advice, because it looks like you would give the best advice here how can I forget & forgive because I just can't get it out of my mind !!
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 I'm not out to hurt these woman at all. I just want to know why they would sleep with a married man without protection... but then again, he most likely took his ring off and didn't tell them that he was married. This is why he didn't get emotionally involved with them and ask questions about their lives. He only wanted sex... point blank. I am angry that these woman could do this.... but I'm more angry at him, than the woman. I just want them to be tested and be alright for the safety of thier health and the health of others they maybe sleeping with. I have a huge heart and I hold no hate for anyone. I can forgive eventually.... but right now, it's all to fresh to even think that far ahead. How can I forgive him....???? Even though it took him 10 months and another baby with a woman to come clean - he did come clean about everything.... (even though it took lots of trying to get it out of him). When I asked him to take a polygraph he freaked, which only told me he had more to hide. So he once again came clean... then agreed to take it. I don't forgive him.... but I gave him a time limit to prove by his actions (not his words) that he can change.... and if he fails to do so by this deadline.... then I'm taking the kids and leaving. I'm a household mom and don't have any income.... but I will take out a loan, borrow money, whatever is necessary if I decided to leave. I know he doesn't deserve me.... he knows this.... all I can do is pray and offer it up to God. No one is perfect. We all makes mistakes..... yes his were dumber than dumb.... but I still love him. I don't have to like what he's done or agree with his choices but I still love him the same. I don't forgive him at this point.... and I certainly don't forget any of it. My own imagination runs wild - seeing him in my mind with these women.... it's killing me. He says he loves me, but disrepected me, the kids and threatened my life. But through Christ and through the help of the counseling with the Chaplain and his wife.... it is helping and great deal. We feel better after talking with them.... but later retreat back to our seperate areas of the house. This is all still fresh and new and he knows I'm dying.... so he's giving me space, and talking when I want him to talk. Maybe it's easier for me because these women were one night stand and he wasn't/isn't emotional attached. I don't know - but still, no one deserves this type of pain.... NO ONE!
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 What are your chaplain and his wife counselling you to do? I'm just curious, as you seem to be religious, and I think people who govern their lives with religion are even more reluctant to call a marriage quits. God aside, do you WANT to stay with this man? I know I wouldn't.......
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 PS-I keep running that song line through my head-the one "Sometimes love ain't enough" you love him, but will that love persist? IMO, the longer this goes on the more that love will tarnish-has he explained why he cheated yet?
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 The counseling is religious in which we pray a lot.... we talk about issues on how each of us feel and the Chaplain and his wife give us insight. They are the ones that told my husband that he has to chose he life of being single.... helping to raise this newborn child while living in another state (were military) or chosing his marriage and doing all things possible to make it work. Because of his mother's statements towards her haterage for me and her wanting us to get divorced, the Chaplain also told us that this was "evil" negative influence that we don't need in our lives right now. My husband has cut off his family because they support him only. They don't support me or the children nor this marriage at all. We are religious....now more than before, I think because of all this. Point blank.... to be brutly honest.... I would never leave my husband unless he harmed one of our children or committed a crime and went to jail. I love him to much and I made those vows to him and to God..... I know that God does not cundone divorce.... unless adaulty is involved..... he gave me money to move and start my life over.... and instead I chose to stay here with him.... because I love him. Yes he may be a dog... a cheater... a liar.... but I still love him. He has so many other great qualities about him that are undescribable with words. I love this man... I truely do.... if I ddn't then I wouldn't be here now. I know I may be stupid.... I know that this may all happen again... but it's a chance I'm willing to take to safe my marriage and to keep my family together.
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Ok. Please go to a qualified marriage counsellor as well as your chaplain-and I still say kick him out for a week. Remember, he won't know what he's got until it's gone. Ask him to leave the house while you figure out what you want to do. It's not divorce-I just think you need some time to sort this out in your head without everyone breathing down your neck.
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 Because we are military, are insurance doesn't allow us to seek "outside couseling". If we go to the base counseling office, it is not confidential and they will report this and my husband can lose his career and even serve jail time for this. Therefore, the Chaplain is whom we've turned to..... something is better than nothing. As far a space.... he's giving me space when I need it as I do him.... but I don't think that by kicking him out of the house where he can go and not have responsibilities will teach him anything.... cause I'll be stuck here tending to 3 kids, pets and the house and yard work.... I wouldn't have the time to even pee let alone think about our problems.
Debster Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Why you continue to focus on how these other women are coping is unbelievable. Why do you care? Maybe it is your religious beliefs = but c'mon = your husband got another woman pregnant, is giving it to whoever he can and may have possibly given you an STD. Don't you think you have enough on your plate rather than worrying about someone else.
Author ringo Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 People tell me I have a heart of gold... I don't know... but I do care about these OW.... yes they did sleep with my husband without protection and if they get an STD then it's there own fault.... but I want them to be checked out before they go sleeping with their own husbands or other men unprotected and passing this all down the line. I can't change the world... I know this. I know that people think I should hate the OW but I don't. I more angry at my husband than the other women. I just want everyone to be healthy and learn from this that for furture sexual encounters with strangers.... to use a damm condom!!!
Birdie Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 I know how you feel I have been with the same man now for ten years and granted about six months ago our marriage went to s**t, he was smoking alot of pot and I didnt realize because he works long haul driving truck. Anyway I knew there was a problem but I did not know what. Two weeks ago my doctor told me I had an std. (great fun), my husband denied it on the phone but he did come clean sort of, he told me when he came home after I tod him he had some expaining to do. (He says he did not remember actually having sex....whatever). The thing of it is our marriage was starting to work again, partly guilt on his part, he says he realized what he was loosing, and quit smoking up all the time. I am working at letting it go but it is hard. I can tell you this if he does it again he is gone. Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me.
mopar crazy Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Since this post is a few months old I don't know if you have gotten any help w/ your situation (I didn't read all the replies). My H had unprotecte sex w/ his exOW. Stupid him never even thought that even though she had a tubal she could still have a disease. So, after I found out about his A (after we separated) I went to the doctor and got tested. Even though the exOW's own H said she didn't have anything I wasn't going to risk it. Did I care about the exOW if she may having something, he!! no, b/c she would of been the one to give it to him. My test results came out neg, TG.
kkat Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 Good luck. No one deserves a life chained to, via vows or anything else, a man who is a serial cheater, a man who puts your health at risk, and a man who is a bona fide liar. Regarding your desire to get in touch with some of the women he had sex with.... I don't think your motives here are all about helping these women. I think it's a bit of anger, curiosity, and ????, perhaps mixed in with some well intended need of control that you are extending to these strangers. "I'm not out to hurt these woman at all. I just want to know why they would sleep with a married man without protection... " - They are as careless about their health as your husband is about his, and yours. But your interest here is your understandable curiousity, not their ongoing sexual health. "I am angry that these woman could do this..." - certainly reasonable! "I just want them to be tested and be alright for the safety of thier health and the health of others they maybe sleeping with." - Couldn't you find something more positive to concern yourself with? I mean, realistically, their sexual health is not your concern or business now, unless your husband is still sleeping with them... I think being angry and curious is normal and healthy in this situation. But I'd like to see you take your energy away from finding and helping the women who had sex with your husband or focus it on the woman who is still married to him - you!
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