She said she doesn't want to push me into things...

[IndyT]

I've been with this girl since June more or less, slight hiccup a couple months ago, but its all good now. Anyways, I'm really inexperienced, first real relationship for me (I'm 18 shes 17). On the other hand shes had a couple, she had sex with one she dated for two year but told me it was awful because she wasn't ready and was more or less forced into it. Then she had a better experience last year with the guy she was with. I also know that the first guy is very pushy/cocky (turned into a man whore pretty much) and the more recent one was just more experienced and knew what to do. So she's never been the experienced one in a relationship. Anyways recently, we've been talking about some stuff and she told me that she didn't want to push me into anything before I was ready, which is why she hasn't made any moves.

 

I thought this was strange, I had always thought that because she had more experience that she would make some moves, lead a little. And I also haven't ever heard of a girl pushing a guy into things, usually vice versa. She knows that I've done nothing really beyond hooking up with anyone besides her. I've told her that I'm comfortable with her a what not and not to worry about, so we'll see if anything changes.

 

It just came as a surprise to me because I didn't know she was waiting for me to do everything. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing?

[xdahliax]

I don't think she's expecting you to do everything. I think she just needs you to verbalize what you want.

[Arabella]

She told you clearly that the guy she dated for two years pretty much forced her into it. Essentially, she's trying to avoid doing the same to you. That is, pressuring you into having sex with her.

 

If you want to have sex, just tell her. You don't even have to actually say it. Make some moves yourself! Next time you're making out and the mood feels right, start to slowly undress yourself/her. She'll get the idea, trust me.

 

Good luck,

 

-A

[IndyT]

Thanks for the input! I can understand the logic behind it, just seemed strange because you never hear about guys being pushed into things. And I have made some moves (felt up, took off her shirt, fingered a few times) but she still seems hesitant to do anything. Maybe it'll be different next time since we talked

[Ninjainpajamas]

You never hear about it because guys wouldn't whine about something like that, anything that makes men seem weak or vulnerable, they don't usually vocalize or share whereas nothing is really off-limits for women, other than them worried about you judging them for their sexual past.

 

At any rate, I know it's logical as a guy to think just because a woman has sex with other men or has more "experience" that means she'll be aggressive and know what she's doing. That's not the case basically, It essentially means nothing, some women are aggressive when they are comfortable but that comes with age and experience, most however even If they've slept around still expect you to make the move, after all the other guys did..other than that though, it's not like how men are with women where they become more developed and "skilled" with experience necessarily, plus women have sex for many different reasons and situations, where for men it's pretty basic.

 

You'll need to get rid of any mindset or expectations, you still need to make the move...even as you get older and you may experience women being more aggressive they still expect you to take the initiative and make the moves...never forget that.

 

Don't act a certain way because she had a bad experience like an overly passive guy to compensate...that's not necessary, just be yourself and make the moves accordingly, she'll let you know If you're moving too fast or feeling uncomfortable...she may have her little emotional moments, and you can pull back and talk to her, all women get like that for one reason or another, there's no way to be "perfect", they have their feelings and have to get through them.

 

Don't be hyper aware or paranoid, just be attentive, supportive and a listener...It's not really that complicated, and most importantly always remember you can't fix someone, especially for things you had nothing to do with.

 

As a man, always take or expect to take the initiative in just about everything...just have that mindset, women ultimately want men who can lead, not follow. Women don't really know what they're trying to achieve necessary, they just want you to make them feel better about whatever they're going through, so don't try so hard to wrap your mind around their emotions in every situation, they don't make sense.

[todreaminblue]

You never hear about it because guys wouldn't whine about something like that, anything that makes men seem weak or vulnerable, they don't usually vocalize or share whereas nothing is really off-limits for women, other than them worried about you judging them for their sexual past.

 

At any rate, I know it's logical as a guy to think just because a woman has sex with other men or has more "experience" that means she'll be aggressive and know what she's doing. That's not the case basically, It essentially means nothing, some women are aggressive when they are comfortable but that comes with age and experience, most however even If they've slept around still expect you to make the move, after all the other guys did..other than that though, it's not like how men are with women where they become more developed and "skilled" with experience necessarily, plus women have sex for many different reasons and situations, where for men it's pretty basic.

 

You'll need to get rid of any mindset or expectations, you still need to make the move...even as you get older and you may experience women being more aggressive they still expect you to take the initiative and make the moves...never forget that.

 

Don't act a certain way because she had a bad experience like an overly passive guy to compensate...that's not necessary, just be yourself and make the moves accordingly, she'll let you know If you're moving too fast or feeling uncomfortable...she may have her little emotional moments, and you can pull back and talk to her, all women get like that for one reason or another, there's no way to be "perfect", they have their feelings and have to get through them.

 

Don't be hyper aware or paranoid, just be attentive, supportive and a listener...It's not really that complicated, and most importantly always remember you can't fix someone, especially for things you had nothing to do with.

 

As a man, always take or expect to take the initiative in just about everything...just have that mindset, women ultimately want men who can lead, not follow. Women don't really know what they're trying to achieve necessary, they just want you to make them feel better about whatever they're going through, so don't try so hard to wrap your mind around their emotions in every situation, they don't make sense.

 

 

well said.....bad experiences doesn't make a woman the one who should make the moves....if anything from personal experience it makes me even more hesitant.....unfortunately i have ended up with agressive guys because of this .......in fatc my friends get so pissed at me they make the moves for me....i know what it feels like to be harrassed and harrasssed and then some more....last thing i want to do is harass anyone..even though it might not be harassment i dont maul but i feel like i am because i have these emotions that arent under control....its a strange place to be.......i always wait normally until a definite move is made......i would always if it was too fast a move say something........i like what you said it is succinct there is no compensation for bad experiences....as far as experience sexually goes...it means nothing to a new relationship that cant get off the ground....and comes much later anyway and when that sort of history is shared it becomes unique to the couple anyway.....sexual history or partners and how many you have dated does not start a relationship because it has nothing to do with relationship that is new and unknown.........deb

[IndyT]

Thank you so much for the input. I completely understand where both of you are coming from, but as I said, I'm inexperienced haha. So its a lot of new things, and I feel that she somewhat thinks I look down on the stuff she's done (which I've told her I don't at all) which could be another reason. She originally lied about having sex and said she never had, but since then we've learned a lot about each other.

 

I will just keep working on making moves, she knows its all new to me so I'm sure she'll be understand with any mistakes, although, I don't know how girls react/typically think about inexperienced guys

[todreaminblue]

Thank you so much for the input. I completely understand where both of you are coming from, but as I said, I'm inexperienced haha. So its a lot of new things, and I feel that she somewhat thinks I look down on the stuff she's done (which I've told her I don't at all) which could be another reason. She originally lied about having sex and said she never had, but since then we've learned a lot about each other.

 

I will just keep working on making moves, she knows its all new to me so I'm sure she'll be understand with any mistakes, although, I don't know how girls react/typically think about inexperienced guys

 

 

after being on this board fro a while i cant say how girls or guys will react either so join the club.In reality if it were me i would be understanding and i hope that most women are that way...if they have been bought up with compassion they will be understanding and even developed compassion of their own accord.....everybody was inexperienced at one time or another and i guess they would have hoped for compassion and understanding back when and then....keep trekkin keep trying .......best wishes to ya......from me to you.....deb

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thank you so much for the input. I completely understand where both of you are coming from, but as I said, I'm inexperienced haha. So its a lot of new things, and I feel that she somewhat thinks I look down on the stuff she's done (which I've told her I don't at all) which could be another reason. She originally lied about having sex and said she never had, but since then we've learned a lot about each other.

 

I will just keep working on making moves, she knows its all new to me so I'm sure she'll be understand with any mistakes, although, I don't know how girls react/typically think about inexperienced guys

 

She lied because she worried about you judging her. Do yourself a favor and from this point on do not ask a woman about her sexual past...all you need to know Is If she's STD free and you are too (in the future), and using protection or you both go and get tested...that's all you need to know about.

 

Always talk about birth control as well, and ask her If she's willing to get on it, unless you want a possible surprise in nine months (women have to be checked and see If they're ok with birth control because it's a medication and women need to find the right birth control too sometimes before staying on the right one...they do have side-effects).

 

You take that advice and you won't be sitting with a pregnant GF at 20 with no job and career wondering what you're going to do and If your life is over (assuming you're the typical guy that doesn't want kids right away).

 

Young guys put too much in their heads, they over think everything and they try to perform to this image or practice they have in their head...women are not puppets with intimacy and you don't just pull the right strings the same way on every one and get the same action. You need to be open, sensitive and aware of how a woman feels emotionally and psychologically...all the physical stuff works itself out through practice and experience of how she feels and responds to you. Pay attention then once you know what works...then once you know what works right for her, then you have seen the path of the wolf.

 

You have to be there mentally, and emotionally...don't let your casanova friends convince you otherwise...be a better lover and a woman will be thinking of you not the other guy, plus once a woman gets over a guy she kind of wipes a slate clean and moves on (plus these guys were nothing, trust me), you have to realize these other guys weren't great BF's/partners very likely, so you're just looking at it like a typical guy...from the physical and rational aspect. Guys get really jealous over that, It's normal to feel though...you'll get over it in the future a lot...It always will likely bother you but it'll be small.

 

Really connect with your woman, let your emotional guard down and make sure she feels comfortable and that she can trust you...the more a woman has her guard down with you the more she feels...a lot of guys neglect the emotional and psychological and just concentrate on the orgasm and physical...do that and you'll be just as bad as they are and a guy that can get her firing on all cylinders will blow her way out of the water than you ever could.

 

Set higher expectations for yourself and think outside the normal box, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what any other guy did, It matters what YOU do and how you treat her and make you feel...any guy can stick a penis in a vagina but If you treat her right on all other levels you're going to put yourself light years apart from those guys because a lot of guys are simple douchebags that have to talk to talk more than they can walk the walk.

 

I am blessing you with great knowledge my apprentice! make sure you respect her and treat her right but never be a doormat either, and she will always remember and value you. Don't be a man who just leaves scars on women, even though those other guys look like they're getting what they want...in the end, remember It's not what other men do It's what you do and what you expect of yourself.

 

Being a man is about knowing when to take charge and when to just listen and be compassionate...they are both equally important.

 

Don't worry about being inexperienced, we all start from zero..get that out of your head and just be confident and learn, when you make a mistake just correct it and move forward...don't get all butthurt and start crying about it...you just keep listening to her and being brave about it.

 

Now be gone my child, you may now go back to playing video games! ::angel voices singing::

 

P.S. ::loud speaker:: Because she is um underage...officer, I cannot condone this union of physical bodies...he must wait until she is of legal age....ehem.

[IndyT]

She lied because she worried about you judging her. Do yourself a favor and from this point on do not ask a woman about her sexual past...all you need to know Is If she's STD free and you are too (in the future), and using protection or you both go and get tested...that's all you need to know about.

 

Always talk about birth control as well, and ask her If she's willing to get on it, unless you want a possible surprise in nine months (women have to be checked and see If they're ok with birth control because it's a medication and women need to find the right birth control too sometimes before staying on the right one...they do have side-effects).

 

You take that advice and you won't be sitting with a pregnant GF at 20 with no job and career wondering what you're going to do and If your life is over (assuming you're the typical guy that doesn't want kids right away).

 

Young guys put too much in their heads, they over think everything and they try to perform to this image or practice they have in their head...women are not puppets with intimacy and you don't just pull the right strings the same way on every one and get the same action. You need to be open, sensitive and aware of how a woman feels emotionally and psychologically...all the physical stuff works itself out through practice and experience of how she feels and responds to you. Pay attention then once you know what works...then once you know what works right for her, then you have seen the path of the wolf.

 

You have to be there mentally, and emotionally...don't let your casanova friends convince you otherwise...be a better lover and a woman will be thinking of you not the other guy, plus once a woman gets over a guy she kind of wipes a slate clean and moves on (plus these guys were nothing, trust me), you have to realize these other guys weren't great BF's/partners very likely, so you're just looking at it like a typical guy...from the physical and rational aspect. Guys get really jealous over that, It's normal to feel though...you'll get over it in the future a lot...It always will likely bother you but it'll be small.

 

Really connect with your woman, let your emotional guard down and make sure she feels comfortable and that she can trust you...the more a woman has her guard down with you the more she feels...a lot of guys neglect the emotional and psychological and just concentrate on the orgasm and physical...do that and you'll be just as bad as they are and a guy that can get her firing on all cylinders will blow her way out of the water than you ever could.

 

Set higher expectations for yourself and think outside the normal box, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what any other guy did, It matters what YOU do and how you treat her and make you feel...any guy can stick a penis in a vagina but If you treat her right on all other levels you're going to put yourself light years apart from those guys because a lot of guys are simple douchebags that have to talk to talk more than they can walk the walk.

 

I am blessing you with great knowledge my apprentice! make sure you respect her and treat her right but never be a doormat either, and she will always remember and value you. Don't be a man who just leaves scars on women, even though those other guys look like they're getting what they want...in the end, remember It's not what other men do It's what you do and what you expect of yourself.

 

Being a man is about knowing when to take charge and when to just listen and be compassionate...they are both equally important.

 

Don't worry about being inexperienced, we all start from zero..get that out of your head and just be confident and learn, when you make a mistake just correct it and move forward...don't get all butthurt and start crying about it...you just keep listening to her and being brave about it.

 

Now be gone my child, you may now go back to playing video games! ::angel voices singing::

 

P.S. ::loud speaker:: Because she is um underage...officer, I cannot condone this union of physical bodies...he must wait until she is of legal age....ehem.

 

Wow, this is incredibly helpful, I appreciate the time you spent helping out. And I actually never asked her, she brought it up on her own pretty early on, although I knew the truth already (went to a small private school, no such thing as secrets) but of course I never brought up knowing the truth. It came up in passing and she told the truth, again without me asking.

 

You are right, both past relationships ended badly, although she is still friends with the most recent one, which did have me on edge but she's talked to me and explained the relationship to me to help out which was nice.

 

I will stop worrying so much about the physical stuff. Its true, she knows I'm inexperienced and will be patient with me, but also said I'm more gentle than other guys which is good. I try my best to be as caring and thoughtful as possible and things have been going great lately. One positive sign is that we are very comfortable talking about things which I like.

 

Again thank you so much for your help, its greatly appreciated!