ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I posted this in the infidelity forum.... advised to post here in hopes to get more responses.... Ok... so you are the OW or the OM in a marriage triangle.... Ok, the MM or MW finds out about you... do you do nothing? Do you ever attempt to contact her an apoligize... sit down with her and found out what all the lies that he has told you and her.... vice versa for men here too.... Ok... say you got pregnant or had a baby with a MM.... why would you tell his wife or pressure him to? What if he wanted to keep it a secret? Would you go alone with it? Once the MM or MW knows about the affair, why do you not contact her in some way or another and let her know how sorry you feel? Or do you not feel sorry at all? Why if a man or woman tells you he's/she's going through a divorce, do you still have a relationship with him.her? This person is still legally married, so all hands off.... right? I'm just trying to understand all of this.... so any insite would help. Thank you. BTW- I would love to contact the women my husband has been with... and not to be mean... I just want to know how this happened, why, and how I can help prevent it in the future.... As far as the family friend that has my husband's baby..... I'd love to ..... nevermind on that one... I'll be nice.....
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 What, you'd love to punch her in the face? A mother? I hope it's worth it when you're trying to make bail. So much for thinking of the children...... Your husband sounds like a real loser. Maybe you'd like to post a little history into your situation?
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 You've got it all wrong. I'm not a violent person at all... I just want answers. Hell... my husband is a dog and possibley has given me an STD and I'm still with him.... I'm not looking for these women to fight with him - I just want to see what he lied to them about, what he lied to me about, how it started, why they felt the need to be with a married man at all.... all those questions. I would never hit anyone.... hell I don't even spank my own kids! I want answers so that I know how I can help prevent this from ever happening again in the future.... thats all.
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Ok good, because if you have your own children, satisfying your violent impulses would hurt them as well. It's why I try not to joke about violence, because it's not funny. Why are you still with this man? Considering these were one night stands, the likelyhood of them occuring again is high, as he seems to take it where he can get it.....is he going to counselling?
littleflowerpot Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 here's a question for you: why are you staying with him? do you think he'll ever change? i ask because you are asking the OW questions that you said you wanted to understand in hopes of trying to keep it from happening again. do you think there is anything at all you can do to stop a man who's cheated on you several times from doing it again? because i don't think there's a thing you can do. well, except to leave him. he's obviously the problem.
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 Love is blind... basically I made the vows to God, "For better or for worse" and I stay true to those vows. He is proving in many ways that he already is changing. He's quit drinking (one week so far), he does individual counseling and we do marriage counseling together with the Chaplain and his wife. I know that I can't prevent anything like this from happening in the future. I know I never would have found out about any of these women had he not gotten one of them pregnant..... Point blank, I love this man with all that I am and ever could be. We have 3 children together. I don't trust him... but he says he will prove his love and loyalty to me as actions do speak lounder than words.... but if indeed this does happened again... I will be gone. I live each day minute by minute. I just found out all of this over a week and a half ago. Since I been put into the the hospital for severe panic attack (like a seizure) and on medication. I rarely leave the bedroom at all. He's taken off work to deal with the kids... etc. However, even though he says he's come clean about everything... each day I find out something new. They say that "God will never give you more than you can handle"... I believe this to be true - and maybe thats why it's coming to me in bits and pieces here and there. I don't know what the furture holds for me. If I ever did this to him, he'd leave in a heartbeat.... but I love him too much to leave. I believe he's trying.... and I also believe that I'm making things hard on him by asking questions and continueing to bring up the past. I may leave someday.... when I feel strong enough to do so... but for now... I want to stay - therefore I can at least look back and say, "I tried".... I didn't just quit. Tomorrow maybe a different story. If the doctor tells me I have an STD - I may as well pack my bags and leave. Basically, how I look it at with Aids is that he had unprotected sex with these women and then with me.... in my eyes he has committed attempted murder.... but this is just my opionion....
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Well, I certainly hope your tests come back clean. Is that the final word for your marriage? That you'll stick by him no matter what? You've got a long road ahead of you then. Please, don't tell HIM that....it's like giving him a liscence to sperm.....
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 That is what I'm actually afraid of. He knows I'm standing by him through all the infidelity and lies..... so does this give him persmission to do what he wants and take me for granted - knowing I'll always be there and take him back? I've made it clear to him that if he betrays me again.... I'm gone and for good. He excepts this. However... he says he feels my pain, but I know he doesn't. He has no clue what I'm going through and now his only fear is "when is the payback coming". He's even told me that if I cheat on him, he's gone.... I know he's goine through some rough times right now.... even with his family - they want him to divorce me and be with this other woman (as she is like a daughter to his mom) - the one that had his baby..... Sorry to say MOTHER.... but it's not going to happen. We will overcome Satin and will not allow him in our lives. We are turning our marriage over to God and will only live through Him, and with Him from now on. If we divorce down the road - fine... at least we can walk away knowing that we tried our best to make it work. But neither of us are ready to call it quits. Don't get me wrong... I'm not letting him off easy.... he doesn't get sex from me... we barely even touch each other. I spend my days alone in the bed on the computer while he tends to the kids, goes to work, or watches TV. Things are hard now, but I have to be positive and trust in God that things will work out for us... it will get better and we will get through this... and hopefully be a stronger more loveing couple because of this. He knows now not to take me for granted.... I've proved my love for him time and time again.... now it's his turn - so we'll see how he does before his deadline at the end of the weekend. Like I said before... I can' t solely blame the other women and hate them..... I know that he lied to them to get the sex he wanted. But what hurts the worst is Robin.... the close family friend that he got pregnant.... she knew he was married.... she should have never gone there.... she was just as selfish as he was.... and as stupid for not thinking about protection. Now this little girl is going to grow up without a dad.... all because of a mistake... It's sad.... I can only pray that Robin will find love, get married and this man will adopt this little girl.... but again, I don't hate her - but it does hurt that she couldn't come to me with the truth or at least mail me a letter of apology after hearing that I knew of the truth..... but for the other women.... and their husbands.... I want them to be test for STD for their safety and the safety of the others they sleep with. Come on people.... with AIDS today.... why do you continue to have unprotected sex?!?!?! I just don't get it.
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I hope your faith in your religion gives you the solace that you need-do you believe that his affair with Robin was a one night stand as well? It seems to me that the "making it work" part effort needs to come from him. Have you considered kicking him out of the house? Oh, not divorcing. Just kick him out, let him find somewhere else to live while you pick up the pieces of your shattered self esteem and dignity and sort out your headspace, truly.
Author ringo Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 He was kicked out of the house for awhile.... but that only gave him free rain to sleep around without me having to say it wasn't allowed. Seperation made things worse for us. I was always home dealing with the house, the kids, the animals.... while he was partying and sewing his oats.... but it's excuseable (he says) because we were seperated. (Granted during this time, I had no knowledge of Robin or the pregnanncy). Again... if we are going to work on our marriage, I think we need to do it together and under the safe roof. The Chaplain agreed. You can't go running from your problems with each other.... instead embrace and face them and fight them together.... thats what we are trying to do. Yes I believe Robin was a one night stand because it happened when he came back from the war. We went home to visit family. I stayed with mine a week, while he went to visit his a week. During that week he met a woman at a bar ( a widow he says) and slept with her. The following night he slept with Robin (in his mother's home). The next day... he returned to me and the kids.... he never saw her again until after the baby was born as they all live in a different state than us.
Mr Spock Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 He was kicked out of the house for awhile.... but that only gave him free rain to sleep around without me having to say it wasn't allowed. Seperation made things worse for us. I was always home dealing with the house, the kids, the animals.... while he was partying and sewing his oats.... but it's excuseable (he says) because we were seperated. (Granted during this time, I had no knowledge of Robin or the pregnanncy). This one paragraph you have written speaks volumes. Poor girl-I honestly don't think he'll stop cheating on you. I really don't. Is this something you can live with? For the rest of your life? Because I would put money on him doing it again if he ever had the opportunity.
Debster Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I agree that one paragraph speaks volumes. If you kicked him out because of his infidelity and then he goes around banging women clearly he has no remorse. His other comment that if you cheated on him - he would leave you immediately also shows his lack of commitment to your marriage. The fact that his mother is choosing to side with this 'Robin' instead of with you. the wife, also speaks to their being some ill feelings between you and his family. Also not very helpful when you are trying to repair a marriage. I'm sorry to say it, but you are being treated like a doormat and if you don't start to stand up for yourself IMO, you will never get the love, respect and faithfulness from your husband that you deserve.
Author ringo Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 I know that I'm naive... I want to believe that everything people tell me is true... especially the people I love the most. I didn't kick my husband out because of affairs... if was different when he came back from the war. He drank alot, was violent... disrespectful... lied alot... I didn't know about any of the affairs months later. As far as Robin goes... I know her and I love this woman - she's a great person. In a fantasy world I would love for all of us to share custody of this child. I can love her as my own.... but I know this will never happen... but I still can't forgive Robin for having sex with a married man.... my husband.... he may have lied to her like the others and said we were divorcing or whatever... but he was still legally married when she slept with him. She didn't bother to tell him that she wasn't on BC and I'm assuming she didn't ask him to use a condom considering he's been married to me for years and assumed he was free of diseases... IMO only.... I don't know what is going to happen... but he is making changes. He's cut off all contact with his mother for sure. He's stopped drinking alcohol. He's going to counseling indivdually. He's going to marriage counseling. And now he's signing himself up for a sexual addiction group upon my request. I see positive changes in him... I see his pain on his past actions... my heart breaks for him.... sad to say I'm more worried about him than I am myself. Maybe down the road he will cheat again.... but maybe with the help he's getting and better communication through our marriage it won't happen again. But for me... I'd rather take a chance, than just give up and quit on my family. Again this is IMO. But.... I just want to really understand from the OW or OM out there, why they sleep with MM or MW - even if they are seperated or going through a divorce. If you want to be with them sexually.... at least wait until the divorce is final..... I want to understand all sides of infidelity.... my husbands... the OW.... everything. I want to make sure that I can do and provide everything possible in hopes that this will never occur again in my marriage and hopefully even help some of my friends whose marriages are going through the same things.... I respect all of your opinions and I thank you for them... I really do.... but I'm still left questioning how all this really happens to begin with....
Recommended Posts