planetpower Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 When I suggested we stay friends if we were to separate or divorce, my H said he'd rather have no contact. I find it rather insulting considering you've tried really hard to make it work with someone you gave your heart to for 6 years and stuck with them because you didn't want to hurt them after all they've been through. Total slap in the face...feels like I wasted 6 years of my life.
River Rain Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I've asked this here before because it baffles me. Why do you want to stay friends with an ex (unless kids are involved)? I guess for me, it would be just trying to hold on to what could have been, I would prefer no contact. In fact I recently got dumped and staying friends was out of the question, whether it's 6 years or 6 months, it would always re-open the wound and I wouldn't be able to heal and move on. Why would you want that? I'm asking sincerely. No contact has been the only way to feel better and accept that it's over. 3
pink_sugar Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think it's because it's like trying to forget the last 6 years of your life ever happened. Part of you will love them forever even though you have moved on. If the person was abusive or cheated on you, that's another story. But if you end it due to amicable differences, I don't see why you can't be friends. My dad still has a few ex's as friends and they care about each other as friends, even if it didn't work out romantically.
River Rain Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I guess if it's amicable, I'd remain civil and friendly, but I still wouldn't go out of my way to make that person a part of my life I guess. I think breakups are just too black and white for me. To each his own though right? I think if two people can make a friendship work after a romance failed, and both are fine and healthy with it, then why not? Just not for me though! Thanks for giving me your point of view pink!
todreaminblue Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 When I suggested we stay friends if we were to separate or divorce, my H said he'd rather have no contact. I find it rather insulting considering you've tried really hard to make it work with someone you gave your heart to for 6 years and stuck with them because you didn't want to hurt them after all they've been through. Total slap in the face...feels like I wasted 6 years of my life. Its honestly for the best....if i didn't have kids involved in my relationships with my exes i would not have to see them one of them i refuse to see phone contact only and keep it to the kids talk he asks how i am how i am going i ask how work is we discuss child support..he asks if i am happy and moving forward with this guy i like...i mostly say yep im fine everything is fine ...i am not surprised that your ex wants nc its quite common........deb
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Too much pain. I've had to go NC(as much as possible since we coparent) with my wife of 14 years who cheated on me. Anger, pain, resentment, sadness, etc. There's no way I want to be around her for very long, especially if I get into a new relationship. The only other relationship to speak of in my life was a 4 month dating thing in highschool. Just that break up was painful enough that I went NC with her. She wanted to be friends but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be around her. I noticed that both women tried to break up "by degrees" to lessen the pain. Man what a cruel thing to do. If you want to break up, break up. Don't drag it out...rip the damned bandage off. It's so maddening seeing things getting worse and worse without really knowing what's going on and that there's really no chance. 3
stillafool Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think it's because it's like trying to forget the last 6 years of your life ever happened. Part of you will love them forever even though you have moved on. If the person was abusive or cheated on you, that's another story. But if you end it due to amicable differences, I don't see why you can't be friends. My dad still has a few ex's as friends and they care about each other as friends, even if it didn't work out romantically. I think after you have been apart for awhile and both partners have moved on the other people then perhaps you can be friends again. Of course that would mean that neither of you should have any romantic feelings for each other if you want to be friends. For me I'd rather move on with no contact forever. 1
K Os Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I noticed that both women tried to break up "by degrees" to lessen the pain. Man what a cruel thing to do. If you want to break up, break up. Don't drag it out...rip the damned bandage off. It's so maddening seeing things getting worse and worse without really knowing what's going on and that there's really no chance. Yes, it's very odd, this one. Mine did this. First she broke it suddenly and violently, and we both nearly lost our minds. Then she relented and said we could try again. What she meant in fact was that she'd do exactly the same thing over the course of several months, to lessen the pain. It took me months to figure out what she was doing, during which I thought we were genuinely trying to make it work. Just insane. And very cruel, as you say. 1
tojaz Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 When I suggested we stay friends if we were to separate or divorce, my H said he'd rather have no contact. I find it rather insulting considering you've tried really hard to make it work with someone you gave your heart to for 6 years and stuck with them because you didn't want to hurt them after all they've been through. Total slap in the face...feels like I wasted 6 years of my life. I wouldn't feel insulted Planet. Trying to stay friends is hard, especially if one party doesn't want the divorce, watching them move on with their life, watching them date etc, from the friend sideline. I don't see many seeing that as a comfortable thought. TOJAZ
GuyInLimbo Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 If there are no kids involved, I fail to see the point of this either. Why? Stop acting like people OWE you something simply because you were involved in a relationship. It didn't work out. Move on and find happiness. There's too much baggage involved and feelings hurt. And think about the impact that could also have on future relationships. If I was dating someone who was divorced, but still friends with her ex, I'd feel like one or both parties was unable to move on and the relationship wasn't "over." Perhaps that's insecurity talking, but I otherwise don't see the point of maintaining a relationship. I've seen this in the past when breaking up with girlfriends. Because I spent x years with them, I owe them something. Like my feelings don't matter. I'm sure someone with better physch-speech can chime in what it is exactly, but this always seems to come from the person being broken up with. 1
River Rain Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 If there are no kids involved, I fail to see the point of this either. Why? Stop acting like people OWE you something simply because you were involved in a relationship. It didn't work out. Move on and find happiness. There's too much baggage involved and feelings hurt. And think about the impact that could also have on future relationships. If I was dating someone who was divorced, but still friends with her ex, I'd feel like one or both parties was unable to move on and the relationship wasn't "over." Perhaps that's insecurity talking, but I otherwise don't see the point of maintaining a relationship. I've seen this in the past when breaking up with girlfriends. Because I spent x years with them, I owe them something. Like my feelings don't matter. I'm sure someone with better physch-speech can chime in what it is exactly, but this always seems to come from the person being broken up with. I don't see it as insecurity, though I'm no expert, I see it the same way you do. In my case, I was dumped and he wanted to still be friends. No thank you, you can't have it both ways. Plus I guess it's the degree of friendship. A lot of people say let's just be friends when they mean they just want to be civil with each other. I can do civil...but not friendship. 1
liquid_amber Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 if by friends, you mean that you want to still spend time together and hang out together as friends, i can understand why he wouldn't want that. he wants a wife and life partner, not a buddy. it would feel like a slap in the face to go from being partners and lovers to platonic friends.
River Rain Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 if by friends, you mean that you want to still spend time together and hang out together as friends, i can understand why he wouldn't want that. he wants a wife and life partner, not a buddy. it would feel like a slap in the face to go from being partners and lovers to platonic friends. Yes, this is how I feel about it. This is what my ex wanted, to be "friends" and I called him on it too, asked him to define what friendship meant to him. He never did, but I had no intention of being his friend after we split. A friend is someone I want to spend my free time with and enjoy each other's company, share secrets and overall positive experiences...if that couldn't be done in a romantic relationship, I just don't see it happening as platonic friends, well said. But again, that's me and I doubt I'll ever change my view of it! 1
pink_sugar Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 if by friends, you mean that you want to still spend time together and hang out together as friends, i can understand why he wouldn't want that. he wants a wife and life partner, not a buddy. it would feel like a slap in the face to go from being partners and lovers to platonic friends. The unfortunate thing though is that some people do not make a good husband/wife or partner. I started off as friends with my H and couldn't imagine not remaining friends. Sometimes when people go from platonic to a romantic relationship, you will find that person may be a good person, but not a good partner in a relationship managing finances and other stress. This especially goes for people with partners whom they feel like they are dealing with an overgrown child rather than a supportive partner bearing his her 50%.
liquid_amber Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 The unfortunate thing though is that some people do not make a good husband/wife or partner. I started off as friends with my H and couldn't imagine not remaining friends. Sometimes when people go from platonic to a romantic relationship, you will find that person may be a good person, but not a good partner in a relationship managing finances and other stress. This especially goes for people with partners whom they feel like they are dealing with an overgrown child rather than a supportive partner bearing his her 50%. well, if the feeling is mutual, and you both agree that your relationship would work better as a friendship than a romantic relationship, that's different. then it's a mutual decision and nobody gets hurt. but if one of you wants to break up and become friends and the other doesn't, being friends would be hurtful to the other person. maybe after a few years have passed and you've both moved on, maybe then it would be possible to have a friendship. but if you're just talking about continuing the relationship as a friendship without the sex or the intimacy, i don't think that's fair to the person who didn't want the relationship to end. 2
Jack32 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I think it depends on the person's personality in large part and on how they see the situation. For him it might just be less painful to not keep in touch after the divorce because he will not be reminded of where he went wrong. For some people its also easier to move on that way.
riverratt Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Two people can be friends. It depends on how the break up went down. My ex and I get along fine. She will call me if she has a question about something and needs help with some things. I don't mind to help. We do have a child but I think we would get along ok anyway. She wanted the divorce and after time I realized I did too. No hard feelings between us and we were married for 20 years. 1
Steadfast Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 When I suggested we stay friends if we were to separate or divorce, my H said he'd rather have no contact...Total slap in the face...feels like I wasted 6 years of my life. Why on earth would you say something like that to your husband? How on earth could you expect him to say anything else? Guys, run this by the wife sometime and see where it gets you; "Honey, if I ever get tired of being with you and leave, I hope we can be friends! Just because I want to date/marry/sleep with someone else doesn't mean I won't need you for something at some point. Besides, I'd feel better about myself if you were okay with it." Stop acting like people OWE you something simply because you were involved in a relationship. Seems devotion is a one-way street in this case. More than anything, the poster shows she has no concept of marriage and commitment. 1
worldgonewrong Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 When I suggested we stay friends if we were to separate or divorce, my H said he'd rather have no contact. I find it rather insulting considering you've tried really hard to make it work with someone you gave your heart to for 6 years and stuck with them because you didn't want to hurt them after all they've been through. Total slap in the face...feels like I wasted 6 years of my life. Just so I understand this scenario better- are you & your husband on the brink of sep/divorce? if so, who is dumping whom? if not, why would you even pose this question to your husband? I ask with all curiosity, no axe to grind.
AudentesFortuna Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I'm with you. My ex gave me the same speech before she left. She literally said "If we don't make it, I hope we can continue being friends." We have no kids and no more dealings with each other so I see no reason for us to be friends. She'd get what she wants from me and I wouldn't get a thing. Why on earth would you say something like that to your husband? How on earth could you expect him to say anything else? Guys, run this by the wife sometime and see where it gets you; "Honey, if I ever get tired of being with you and leave, I hope we can be friends! Just because I want to date/marry/sleep with someone else doesn't mean I won't need you for something at some point. Besides, I'd feel better about myself if you were okay with it." Seems devotion is a one-way street in this case. More than anything, the poster shows she has no concept of marriage and commitment.
liquid_amber Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Why on earth would you say something like that to your husband? How on earth could you expect him to say anything else? Guys, run this by the wife sometime and see where it gets you; "Honey, if I ever get tired of being with you and leave, I hope we can be friends! Just because I want to date/marry/sleep with someone else doesn't mean I won't need you for something at some point. Besides, I'd feel better about myself if you were okay with it." Seems devotion is a one-way street in this case. More than anything, the poster shows she has no concept of marriage and commitment. this is a good point.
beatcuff Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 stay friends? --- BUT YOU WEREN'T. you were lovers. if you go to the Friends and Lovers forum it is filled with: should we take the next step. the real question being asked is do i want to give up a friendship: forever. this appears to be a bright line - once its crossed you cant go back (much like cheating). some can but is it more friendY - not friend. i can still remember countless years ago when i first started dating my wife she had a new break with a man. they were 'friends'. except it was him trying to win her back and her 'being nice' not wanting to hurt his feelings. only when i said 'it looks like you are holding on as well' that it died. 1
FocusOnMe Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 This whole discussion just made me so sad and crying....if Im not good enough to be your wife any more, but friends is ok, so you can have me and still have your skank?!? Friends is totally out! ...Especially after all the hurt he has caused me. I dont want a divorce, I'd love to work on it and make it work again, but that is not going to happen, and I refuse to be his friend so that we can be "civil"....I did agree to being friends and then after thinking about it I thought, what am I frickin NUTZ!!! It would only cause me pain and suffering since I still love the jerk :'(((((((((( This is the worst thing Ive ever had to face except the scare of having cancer and I wish it was over already.....why is he stalling, whats the point? Lets get it done already so I can move on........:'((((((((
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