jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Easy scenario. Man meets you. You start dating. Things go well. After a while, he admits or you find out that he had no or very little physical attraction to you at first. He may have even found you unattractive. But his attraction grew because he thought you were cool, or whatever. How would that make you feel? Would you still date him?
CarrieT Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 After a while, he admits or you find out that he had no or very little physical attraction to you at first. He may have even found you unattractive. First off, I think there is a HUGE difference between "very little attraction" and "found you unattractive." I will readily admit there are men I find physically attractive, but when they open their mouth and start speaking, the physical attraction can diminish immediately. Just like food = sometimes it can look good but taste awful. But his attraction grew because he thought you were cool, or whatever. To me, this shows depth of character; they he is looking beyond the surface at what really counts in a person - a connection beyond the physical. How would that make you feel? Would you still date him? I would be charmed and, yes, would still date him. Here is the reverse of your question: Because of my physical attributes, I get approached by guys a LOT just because of two giant mammary glands sticking out on my chest. These guys are only seeing the surface and the not person carrying around the 36-Gs. I find those men shallow and don't care whatsoever about their physical attraction to me. It is those who took the time to talk to me and get to know me and THEN were still attracted to me that were of value in my life. 1
iris219 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Honestly, I'd be hesitant to date the guy because I don't believe attraction grows for most men. There has to be some modicum of attraction there for a man to want to pursue a woman. Bascially, I'd find it very hard to believe that he didn't find me attractive initially, but then suddenly he did (I mean, my personality isn't THAT good ). I'd always be second guessing his attraction to me. 2
somedude81 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Why tell the girl at all that you weren't attracted to her at the start? 2
Imajerk17 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Is this really a hypothetical question? (Survey says no.)
verhrzn Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'd drop him instantly. Who would want to be with someone you had to convince of your attractiveness?
Avulare Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Wouldn't bother me, since that's how I am with like 99.5% of men. I'm almost never attracted to someone when we first meet, because other things like intelligence, personality, and interests mean so much to me. That's not to say physical attraction isn't important, because it is - I would not be able to force myself to have sex with a man to whom I wasn't attracted. But it's usually something that develops slowly over time for me.
KraftDinner Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It's not really a good way to start off. His attraction to you may rise for a while but ultimately, once you're used to each other or whatever, he'll really lose interest in you physically. And I dunno, but I'd be worried that this would make him more likely to cheat/ dump me for someone he found 'hotter.' Plus it would make me feel like crap! 2
somedude81 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It's not really a good way to start off. His attraction to you may rise for a while but ultimately, once you're used to each other or whatever, he'll really lose interest in you physically. And what gives you that idea? In my experience when I've started to spend more time with a girl, I find more things about her that I'm attracted to. So no the physical attraction did not decrease once I was "used to her," it increased the more time I spent with her.
esstea Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Probably, I mean he saw something great in me either way. But real question is, why bring it up... Kind of like digging yourself a hole, it's irrelevant to bring up information like that. I'd be slightly offended to be honest but it wouldn't perse be a deal breaker.
verhrzn Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 And what gives you that idea? In my experience when I've started to spend more time with a girl, I find more things about her that I'm attracted to. So no the physical attraction did not decrease once I was "used to her," it increased the more time I spent with her. But imagine sleeping with her every single night, seeing her at her worst (sick, cranky, with morning breath and bad hair) for months or years. Yeah, you hang out with a girl and like her more, but that's because you see her in a limited capacity. There's a reason that old saying exists: "For every beauty woman, there's a man sick of sleeping with her." If the man doesn't find you attractive to BEGIN with, the odds are not good that your "personality" will be enough to sustain all the bad stuff.
xxoo Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 How would it ever be helpful to admit that you initially found her unattractive? That admission would be a turn off. But saying that attraction grew would not.
verhrzn Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 How would it ever be helpful to admit that you initially found her unattractive? That admission would be a turn off. But saying that attraction grew would not. Hey, at least he's being honest. I would appreciate a guy telling me this so I could skedaddle immediately. In my past relationships, I had to find out that they liked my personality (and not so much my looks) months in, after I'd already bonded to the relationship. If they'd told me immediately, I could have friend-zoned them and gotten away without all that drama and pain.
somedude81 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 But imagine sleeping with her every single night, seeing her at her worst (sick, cranky, with morning breath and bad hair) for months or years. Yeah, you hang out with a girl and like her more, but that's because you see her in a limited capacity. There's a reason that old saying exists: "For every beauty woman, there's a man sick of sleeping with her." If the man doesn't find you attractive to BEGIN with, the odds are not good that your "personality" will be enough to sustain all the bad stuff. That's just not something I can imagine at this point due to my limited relationship experience. I've never woken up next to somebody. Though I wouldn't be surprised if even the hottest girls look bad before they get cleaned up. And I'm not so shallow as to lose attraction when they aren't looking their best. BTW just to clarify, there have been a couple of girls that I've had no physical attraction to at all in the start. After falling for their personality first I eventually started to become physically attracted to them. As long as I'm at least neutral about her looks, then I'll have no issue becoming attracted to her down the line.
xxoo Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 BTW just to clarify, there have been a couple of girls that I've had no physical attraction to at all in the start. After falling for their personality first I eventually started to become physically attracted to them. As long as I'm at least neutral about her looks, then I'll have no issue becoming attracted to her down the line. That's normal, I think. IME, seeing someone for years on end doesn't make them less attractive if you love them. The face you love is the face you love. 1
Author jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Why tell the girl at all that you weren't attracted to her at the start? It's not really a good way to start off. His attraction to you may rise for a while but ultimately, once you're used to each other or whatever, he'll really lose interest in you physically. And I dunno, but I'd be worried that this would make him more likely to cheat/ dump me for someone he found 'hotter.' Plus it would make me feel like crap! How would it ever be helpful to admit that you initially found her unattractive? That admission would be a turn off. But saying that attraction grew would not. I agree. I don't think it's a good idea to bring it up. I'm aware that a lot of people feel they need to bare all of their hearts and souls, but I had this happen to me, and it did make me feel like crap. I'd rather have had her keep it mum. It's not like I asked her anyway. If it does come up, I think sometimes little white lies are OK when we are talking about another person's feelings. Doesn't mean you have to say you think they are smoldering hot and more attractive than Jessica Alba. Not that I've ever had to lie or disguise not being sexually attracted to a woman. That's what happens when you have the sex drive of a rabbit and have had sex less times than there have been presidents in your lifetime. A curse really ...
Author jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Hey, at least he's being honest. I would appreciate a guy telling me this so I could skedaddle immediately. In my past relationships, I had to find out that they liked my personality (and not so much my looks) months in, after I'd already bonded to the relationship. If they'd told me immediately, I could have friend-zoned them and gotten away without all that drama and pain. V, I can't really think of a situation where I was COMPLETELY unattracted to a woman and her personality drew me to be sexually attracted. But that's just mostly because I am attracted (at least on a very basic sexual level) to a WIDE range of women. There was a co-worker from many years ago who I didn't think was particularly attractive who I considered going for, because she was pretty/kinda cool. My attraction grew to her from really just being around her. I didn't go for that one, but it wouldn't have been an issue if we had dated. Not at all I don't think.
Author jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 But imagine sleeping with her every single night, seeing her at her worst (sick, cranky, with morning breath and bad hair) for months or years. Yeah, you hang out with a girl and like her more, but that's because you see her in a limited capacity. There's a reason that old saying exists: "For every beauty woman, there's a man sick of sleeping with her." If the man doesn't find you attractive to BEGIN with, the odds are not good that your "personality" will be enough to sustain all the bad stuff. Every woman is like that. My ex, one night I thought she was the hottest woman alive, and other nights, I thought her nose was big and her eyes were goofy looking. Of course, I block out the latter as stupidity. There's almost nobody who doesn't look bad at least some of the time... To wit, a candid shot of an actress I think is particularly attractive... http://www.evilbeetgossip.com/2010/12/27/i-am-thankful-for-2010s-celebrities-without-makeup/ellen-pompeo-15/
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I would date him. I assume that if my looks haven't changed, the newfound attraction comes from who I am as a person. That's really flattering. Of course, I wouldn't enjoy it if he repeatedly told me that he didn't find me attractive or if he told other people. I have a friend from high school that constantly tells me he hated me in high school because of my looks and it is quite annoying. I would expect that by now he's gotten over that.
kaylan Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Honestly, I'd be hesitant to date the guy because I don't believe attraction grows for most men. There has to be some modicum of attraction there for a man to want to pursue a woman. Bascially, I'd find it very hard to believe that he didn't find me attractive initially, but then suddenly he did (I mean, my personality isn't THAT good ). I'd always be second guessing his attraction to me. I think this goes for both men and women. And I wish people would stop going the route of waiting for attraction to develop. Because in many cases they waste someones time, or later realize they werent ever that much attracted to them. And this is sometimes after being together for years or already being married. Trust your freaking instincts people.
PJKino Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think this goes for both men and women. And I wish people would stop going the route of waiting for attraction to develop. Because in many cases they waste someones time, or later realize they werent ever that much attracted to them. And this is sometimes after being together for years or already being married. Trust your freaking instincts people. I agree ive never been with a women yet i still will not "settle" for somebody i have zero physcial attraction to just to be with someone..In my opinion attraction is hugely important in a relationship and if its not there at a high level it will eventually fail. I dont care how cool a girl is if i cringe thinking of her naked or even making out with her theyres no way i can try to make it romantic.. Its not fair to you or that person..If i gave my heart to somebody and years later they left me and said i was never attracted to you id be beyond crushed..
RiverRunning Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I thought my boyfriend was unattractive when I first met him, and slightly before I met him. I know that for most people, he would rate as conventionally unattractive. I fell in love with him over time, and obviously now I have blinders on. Hottest man ever! But I'll agree: guys tend not to develop that physical attraction over time. It's either there or it's not. I'd never date a guy who admitted he wasn't into me at first. That probably translates to, "When I find a hot chick who is available, I'll be banging her on the side, but you're wife material, I guess."
xxoo Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 V, I can't really think of a situation where I was COMPLETELY unattracted to a woman and her personality drew me to be sexually attracted. Well, that makes more sense. Maybe because it is very rare for me to meet someone I think is unattractive, as in negatively attracted/repelled. I would be quietly crushed if anyone (someone I was dating or otherwise) described me as unattractive. Someone I was dating? I'd need to know what was so horrible that they were actively repelled by me. That would bother me a lot. There's almost nobody who doesn't look bad at least some of the time... To wit, a candid shot of an actress I think is particularly attractive... http://www.evilbeetgossip.com/2010/12/27/i-am-thankful-for-2010s-celebrities-without-makeup/ellen-pompeo-15/ In person, she'd look fine at that moment. The camera just captured an unnatural expression. She's gorgeous.
ScreamingTrees Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) A poster on the first page basically said that she'd never give a stranger the time of day because he's obviously only seeing a pair of big boobs.. That's an assumption on her part, really.. Seriously, though? Does a guy have to hope that a female he is personally physically attracted to somehow finds herself in his social circle to make his attraction seem more "genuine", or what? If the guy chose to get to know you before asking you out on a date or whatever, chances are he was already physically attracted to you (and your precious boobies! OMG!) to begin with. There's no way of knowing what came first, the attraction or the getting to know a person.. The only difference between the two scenarios is that in one the guy made his attraction to you clear, in the other he let a friendship cultivate between you before trying his luck. What about those guys who get friend zoned? Obviously they're doing something wrong, but hey, they still tried to "connect" with another person before trying to take it further and had no luck. There're no guarantees for anyone. There's no way of truly knowing what a guy's deal is, you could potentially turn down a genuine fellow because he might be... INITIALLY only going by what he sees? Edited October 9, 2012 by ScreamingTrees
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) Easy scenario. Man meets you. You start dating. Things go well. After a while, he admits or you find out that he had no or very little physical attraction to you at first. He may have even found you unattractive. But his attraction grew because he thought you were cool, or whatever. How would that make you feel? Would you still date him? I'm in a softer version of this situation now, I think, and it doesn't feel good. It makes me feel sad and insecure. I'm dating a very good-looking guy who is pretty much unarguably better looking than I am. He's never said anything disparaging about my looks, and I think he finds me at least moderately attractive. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'm gorgeous or anything. He has said I'm pretty and beautiful a few times, but it's rare. He says this is just because he's reserved and not that verbally expressive, that it isn't his style to lavish anybody with compliments. But I worry that he doesn't say it because he doesn't often feel it. But then I wonder if he's not just a normal guy and I need too much reassurance because of my insecurities. I've stuck with it so far because I know he appreciates me a lot for my intelligence, personality, sensuality, values, and many points of connection that we have. And I do like him a lot. Our differences are forcing me to be honest and brave to a whole new degree. If I'm just being irrational and overly sensitive, I don't want to let that wreck a good thing. Also, being with him is bringing out my best in many ways, and many more men are flirting with me these days than pretty much ever before! So something good is going on here. It's some good confidence building work for sure. I worry that he will eventually meet someone he thinks is gorgeous in addition to having many of the other good qualities that I do. I worry that he's only with me because he doesn't yet have the confidence to go for a better-looking woman - but someday he will, and then what? It feels like a pretty big risk. His saving grace is that he's a good guy who's sensitive and caring, and that's reassuring. I also have to acknowledge that he lavishes me with certain kinds of attention and care, the kinds he's more comfortable with. I know that he can get a very hot woman, and I wouldn't want to hold him back from being as happy as he can. Given that he's hot himself, I wonder if he can get sufficiently revved up and motivated to bring his best with less hot me. He insists that he wants me, that I'm his girl and he doesn't want any other girls. I'm trying to decide if it's foolish or healthy to believe him and have faith in his character. Edited October 9, 2012 by Ruby Slippers
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