Jingle14 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Almost 16 months on, seems never ending. A beautiful autumn day, can he really be happy - like he told me he was when I saw him in June - when the autumn only reminds me of when we got together and our romantic walks, hardly able to believe that, at last after so long of wanting to be with each other (and neither of us knowing the other felt the same) that we were walking hand in hand and arm in arm with each other, so happy. It was like a dream and we both spent the first few months walking on air. It was meant to be forever. From being down in the very depths of despair last year, to a point where I could see no point in carrying on (and didn't want to but, despite efforts, I am still here) I am now able to put one foot in front of the other and, to all intents and purposes - as far as everyone else is concerned - I am back to normal. It's an act I put on to make my friends, family and colleagues all feel better. I also read if you act happy it will follow that, eventually, you will be. Only it hasn't, not so far anyway (and I've been doing this for months) and I am really exhausted after 3 days of making a monumental effort to be 'on form', funny, making people laugh, starting up the banter with my friends and colleagues, providing support to friends and generally being 'up' when I am far from it. It also hasn't helped that I have had to drive past 'his' parent's house 10 times in 2 days (there is no other route from my house other than past theirs) - if his car is there, it stabs me in the heart and, if it isn't, my imagination runs wild as to where he is, invariably I am convinced he will be with the bitch who replaced me, who is living what should have been MY life. Sorry, rant over, just needed to vent. But I know tomorrow will be more of the same, pretending to be fixed and 'over it/him' for the sake of others. I don't think I ever will be, sadly. I just want that stupid, silly man back!! Edited October 8, 2012 by Jingle14
River Rain Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I was holding on to the "what could have been" too. Once I realized that it just wasn't possible, I forced myself to move on. We were supposed to be forever too. I fake it a lot, but I also do things to keep myself very busy so I don't have to think about it. I've also made lots of efforts to meet new people. I met a lot of guys via an online dating site, and it was kind of blah for a while, nobody interested me. But I found someone now who does and I can barely remember what's-his-name's name. As for the driving, I'm sure that's tough, but can you find a way to change your reaction somehow? Instead of the anger and bitterness, can you turn that around and listen to something that'll make you laugh? Just anything to distract you?
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 When was the last time you actually spoke or had contact with him....?
Author Jingle14 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) When was the last time you actually spoke or had contact with him....? I bumped into him 2 weeks ago while sitting outside a local cafe while I was with a friend - a place I had avoided for months 'just in case' - he walked past with his kid, smiled sort of sadly at me and waved, I waved back. 4 days before I had emailed him (we are not in contact generally) to share something very relevant and, much to my surprise, he replied within half an hour in a very warm, fond tone which completely wrong footed me as I hadn't been expecting a reply at all, let alone one like that. I replied back in an equally warm tone (as he had ended his email with a question about my son) but got nothing back (although my message didn't necessarily warrant one). Edited October 8, 2012 by Jingle14
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Ahh. I suspected as much. OK, so get this: You've been broken up just over 2 weeks. Every time you see him - it's back to square one. Every time you see him, rips out the stitches and just digs deep into the wound you have. Forget the 16 months - your heart is only as intact as your last meeting. THIS - this is why you're still "not over him". because it's still 'fresh'.
Author Jingle14 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Ahh. I suspected as much. OK, so get this: You've been broken up just over 2 weeks. Every time you see him - it's back to square one. Every time you see him, rips out the stitches and just digs deep into the wound you have. Forget the 16 months - your heart is only as intact as your last meeting. THIS - this is why you're still "not over him". because it's still 'fresh'. But I can go for months with no contact and still feel no different though, so seeing him has made little difference really. The intense feeling of missing him and wanting him back - as well as being in turmoil at the thought of him being with someone else - has been there since we split. My whole life has changed and I avoid so many places now as its too painful.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Are you seeing a counsellor? What remedies are you putting in to make you move forward and develop your life - for yourself, not in order to replace him, or 'fill the gap'...?
Author Jingle14 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Are you seeing a counsellor? What remedies are you putting in to make you move forward and develop your life - for yourself, not in order to replace him, or 'fill the gap'...? I saw a counsrllor last year, from July thought to this spring, not terribly helpful though. I have made new friends, joined a walking group (where people don't know anything about him so I can be who I want to be), I'm busy with work and spend several days a week in London, I'm busy repairing my relationship with my son, I always say yes to invitations, I've even been out with several men but have had no interest in them, there was no spark. I am now resolved to stay single.
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