kristinpea1979 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. We met on match.com last February and became Facebook friends, as I was hesitant about meeting him for timing reasons and some concerns about little jokes he'd make (slightly perverted). Anyways, he did seem like a really nice guy and we want the same things, so I decided to give him a chance. He's 35, I'm 32. Anyways, we've been hanging out quite a bit for the last 6 weeks, and I had some reservations at first, but about 2 weeks ago I found myself feeling happy and excited about him, thinking maybe I'd finally found "the one..." until he met my family, and my best friend & her husband (2 separate meetings)... First of all, I noticed that he seems to always feel like he has to make a sarcastic comment or joke, sometimes at my expense. He acts TOTALLY different when it's just the 2 of us than he does with others. I will say something like "oh we're doing such and such next week," and he says something like "we are? I didn't make any plans with you, when did I say I was hanging out with you?" Completely opposite of how he really feels and the things he says when we're alone....so that's one thing. He always has to say something to try and make someone laugh...I said something the other night with my whole family around, about being exhausted because it's been a long week, and he mumbles to himself "heh, YOU'VE had a long week?" I heard it and didn't reply, nor did anyone else, but it irritated me... We were at my parents house prepping for a party the night before and my mom has new countertops, I asked my Dad if it was ok to set hot things on the countertop, and he says "you can set your hot wife on the counter top." WTF?? I was embarrassed that he said something like that in front of my Dad. Another time, my Dad was making breakfast for everyone and he asked if he'd given me a sausage, and the guy replies "no, but I did." Talk about embarrassing! I told him the constant little references and perverted comments concern and bother me, so now, instead of making a comment, he will say something like "I COULD say something right now, but I won't." To me, that is the same thing as saying something. Keeping your mouth shut is not saying something. The other day I said "I suck at texting on this new phone," and he has to say "I could have said something just then...and I've already bit my tongue 4 times today because you only want intelligent conversation" (in a sarcastic tone). Am I being too picky here? I don't want to be the girl with the boyfriend that no one wants to be around because he's always making jokes or busting balls. My best friends husband has a 7 year old daughter, and we were there one night when she was going to bed (her name is Lexi) so he says "good night sexy lexy." I was mortified and there was just awkward silence in the room. My friends sort of laughed it off but I found it highly inappropriate. I don't want to constantly worry that he is going to say something embarrassing, but I don't want to be over-reacting here....ladies, how does this sort of personality make you feel? Am I being ridiculous here? My sister can be a bit outspoken sometimes, and sometimes she is a lot to take, but he says that if she says something annoying he is going to call her out on it and not keep his mouth shut because it's not how he is. I don't want to be with someone who feels like they always have to call people out on things, I'd rather he just ignore her because it's how she is and as my significant other he needs to just accept it. This behavior is totally turning me off and making me question my feelings for him....he is 35, I doubt he will change even though he says he WILL filter himself for me. I don't want him to feel like he has to, and honestly I don't think he CAN. As it is he says he has been filtering himself for me - I can only imagine what he'd say if he wasn't!
Imajerk17 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Any time a guy cracks about "giving you a saugage" in front of anyone else it's bad. But in front of your dad.... Between that and the sexy Lexi comment, your family and friends probably already think your new boyfriend is a creep. 2
It's Just Me Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It sounds like you both have very different value systems. He clearly has zero respect for you, and little to none for social boundaries. This does not bode well; it will only get worse, I'm afraid. I have to wonder how this guy was raised.
Mycteria Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Wow that is ridiculous. I would be afraid to take him anywhere. Especially the sausage comment...ugh, I would have dumped him immediately. Actually my dad probably would have pulled me aside after that one.
Imported Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 He gave you a sausage, really? LOL Holy crap, he really said that in front of your family? If some guy was like that with my sister, he'd be getting his ass tossed out of the house. Completely inappropriate, the guy must be out of touch with reality or worse.
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I read one paragraph and a half. I'd run for the hills.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 And i thought my boyfriend eating with his mouth open was inapropriate. Look, it's considered having etiquette to know when to keep one's mouth shut, unfortunately he's not doing that. If he's unable to even change that, you need to get rid of him.
CarrieT Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 OP, you have expressed your dismay at his inappropriate behavior and he has done nothing to change it or make you feel more comfortable in the relationship. He doesn't understand social boundaries and probably never will. I'd break up with him. 2
Million.to.1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I concur with everyone else. I had a boyfriend once who did this sort of thing.. not as inappropriate, but constant little jibes that were wrapped up in joke form. He honestly didn't realise how much they hurt my feelings and it totally undermined our relationship. if he is doing this sort of thing this early on, it will only get worse. He is the sort of guy that would probably refer to his wife as "the old ball and chain". I hate that sort of ****... that's not a partnership.. it's classic passive aggressive behaviour from an insecure alfa male. I would end it with him. Telling him why won't serve anything. He'll just say "you need to lighten up" or tell you you're being too sensitive. Your personalities just aren't compatible.
KraftDinner Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Those comments: totally inappropriate and awkward. Him saying he'll call out your sister: unless I'm missing something, if she's going to speak her mind, why shouldn't he? But the first thing...yuck. Sausage, sexy Lexi, hot wife...soooo inappropriate.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 If I was your father I would have shot him by now...so you wouldn't be having this problem! Honestly though I would have big problems w this guy if he said those things in front of family, I don't care who he is and how much you think you feel for this guy I would've said ssomething to him without hesitation..and if he didn't respect that he could f off. Highly dispicable in front of family, cat believe your family said nothing and you just sit there, what's wrong w you being w a guy like this? You really have to question if this is ok, you've got men in your family right? Nobody said nothing to this tool yet? Don't understand how a man of 35 makes comments like this in front of family and about family at innappropriate times and about children...and a grown woman at 32 puts up w it. Only six weeks in....LS never ceases to amaze me, can't even believe this is a real post! I have my doubts but then again I know what people tolerate at the same time...its sad. 2
Author kristinpea1979 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 If I was your father I would have shot him by now...so you wouldn't be having this problem! Honestly though I would have big problems w this guy if he said those things in front of family, I don't care who he is and how much you think you feel for this guy I would've said ssomething to him without hesitation..and if he didn't respect that he could f off. Highly dispicable in front of family, cat believe your family said nothing and you just sit there, what's wrong w you being w a guy like this? You really have to question if this is ok, you've got men in your family right? Nobody said nothing to this tool yet? Don't understand how a man of 35 makes comments like this in front of family and about family at innappropriate times and about children...and a grown woman at 32 puts up w it. Only six weeks in....LS never ceases to amaze me, can't even believe this is a real post! I have my doubts but then again I know what people tolerate at the same time...its sad. I am on here because clearly I think the behavior is inappropriate BUT.......I have expressed my concerns to a few close friends and family, and I've gotten a few "you have to pick your battles," or "relationships take work," or "you won't like everything about your significant other, there will be things that bother you." THESE comments are the ones that have made me stop and think that maybe it's just me being picky even though my gut tells me that he is inappropriate. Isn't this site for advice? It's been 6 weeks, I am not asking this the day before I walk down the aisle with the guy!!!!! And, maybe I didn't mention it in my original post, but I didn't truly begin to notice this behavior until 2 weeks ago when I began hanging out with him in social settings with friends and family. He was a totally different person when it was just the two of us.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Those comments: totally inappropriate and awkward. Him saying he'll call out your sister: unless I'm missing something, if she's going to speak her mind, why shouldn't he? But the first thing...yuck. Sausage, sexy Lexi, hot wife...soooo inappropriate. In terms of the comment with my sister - he was getting all bent out of shape because, for example, the guy she is seeing just got a new car, it's the same kind as "my" guy, only a 2012 and his is a 2010. All she said was that he should look at the 2012's because they are really nice....and he got all bent out of shape and said she was annoying him by talking about her guys new car and that next time she is annoying him like that he isn't going to keep his mouth shut. In that case, I think he's being a bit of a baby....speaking your mind when someone offends you is TOTALLY different. I'd rather be with someone who can just brush off the little things and not let them bother them.
Imajerk17 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I am on here because clearly I think the behavior is inappropriate BUT.......I have expressed my concerns to a few close friends and family, and I've gotten a few "you have to pick your battles," or "relationships take work," or "you won't like everything about your significant other, there will be things that bother you." THESE comments are the ones that have made me stop and think that maybe it's just me being picky even though my gut tells me that he is inappropriate. Isn't this site for advice? It's been 6 weeks, I am not asking this the day before I walk down the aisle with the guy!!!!! And, maybe I didn't mention it in my original post, but I didn't truly begin to notice this behavior until 2 weeks ago when I began hanging out with him in social settings with friends and family. He was a totally different person when it was just the two of us. Wow. Are the pickings really that slim in upstate New York?
Author kristinpea1979 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Wow. Are the pickings really that slim in upstate New York? Sadly, yes.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 In terms of the comment with my sister - he was getting all bent out of shape because, for example, the guy she is seeing just got a new car, it's the same kind as "my" guy, only a 2012 and his is a 2010. All she said was that he should look at the 2012's because they are really nice....and he got all bent out of shape and said she was annoying him by talking about her guys new car and that next time she is annoying him like that he isn't going to keep his mouth shut. In that case, I think he's being a bit of a baby....speaking your mind when someone offends you is TOTALLY different. I'd rather be with someone who can just brush off the little things and not let them bother them. Oh, and when we were out watching football last week with my sister and her guy, she was gloating a little because her team scored (like people do when they're watching sports), and he didn't like it so he says "you better stop annoying me with that or you won't like me very much." Not cool in my book, just lighten the heck up.
Million.to.1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Well, i don't think anyone here is going to tell you that you should stick it out and see. Let us know how the break-up goes. 1
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Oh, and when we were out watching football last week with my sister and her guy, she was gloating a little because her team scored (like people do when they're watching sports), and he didn't like it so he says "you better stop annoying me with that or you won't like me very much." Not cool in my book, just lighten the heck up. I'd consider this a threat. This guy is completely crazy, he gives me the impression that he'd get physical with you. I don't understand why your family and friends told you to take it easy, because if I were your mom I would have him pinned up against the wall. It doesn't matter how slim the pickings are where you live, you're better off alone than with a psycho like this. Every second you stay with him (besides putting yourself deeper into no-no territory), you're missing opportunities to be meeting new guys. 1
curlygirl40 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 "Hi, I'm Chandler Bing, I make jokes when I am uncomfortable" Sorry, couldn't help that obvious quote from Friends. Anyway, I'm in agreement with everyone else here. He's 35. Waiting for him to change is the epitome of optimism. So you either live with it, or you don't. It's pretty simple actually. Not making light of the situation, but for sure this will not get better. The guy needs to go to charm school or something. Probably one of the reasons he's still single at 35. I'm not sure how many other girls would tolerate it. Learn from those of us that know. Anything that is an issue now is MAGNIFIED as time goes on, especially after marriage. Best of luck!
InJest Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Dude is immature and socially awkward. A big baby, like you said. He can dish it out but can't take it. I don't think he'd get physical with you, but he would probably try to manipulate you. The guy is way out of line and is going to constantly embarrass you.
bobsmith76 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 First of all, I noticed that he seems to always feel like he has to make a sarcastic comment or joke, sometimes at my expense. If he insults you in jest, that to me would be a dealbreaker. I would never do that to the one I love. He acts TOTALLY different when it's just the 2 of us than he does with others. I will say something like "oh we're doing such and such next week," and he says something like "we are? I didn't make any plans with you, when did I say I was hanging out with you?" Completely opposite of how he really feels and the things he says when we're alone....so that's one thing. This is also bad, though not as bad as the one above. He always has to say something to try and make someone laugh This is the problem with marrying a stand-up comedian. Jim Carry is funny but I feel sorry for his wife. ...I said something the other night with my whole family around, about being exhausted because it's been a long week, and he mumbles to himself "heh, YOU'VE had a long week?" I heard it and didn't reply, nor did anyone else, but it irritated me... We were at my parents house prepping for a party the night before and my mom has new countertops, I asked my Dad if it was ok to set hot things on the countertop, and he says "you can set your hot wife on the counter top." WTF?? I was embarrassed that he said something like that in front of my Dad. This is bad but not in itself a dealbreaker. Another time, my Dad was making breakfast for everyone and he asked if he'd given me a sausage, and the guy replies "no, but I did." Talk about embarrassing! I think it probably depends on how he said it. I told him the constant little references and perverted comments concern and bother me, so now, instead of making a comment, he will say something like "I COULD say something right now, but I won't." To me, that is the same thing as saying something. Keeping your mouth shut is not saying something. This means that he knows that he's in the wrong, but he's not willing to fully repent and make every effort to change. At least he's knows he's wrong. The other day I said "I suck at texting on this new phone," and he has to say "I could have said something just then...and I've already bit my tongue 4 times today because you only want intelligent conversation" (in a sarcastic tone). Pretty bad. Am I being too picky here? I don't want to be the girl with the boyfriend that no one wants to be around because he's always making jokes or busting balls. My best friends husband has a 7 year old daughter, and we were there one night when she was going to bed (her name is Lexi) so he says "good night sexy lexy." Also bad. I doubt he will change even though he says he WILL filter himself for me. Give him two more months to clean up his act. What are his best points?
O'Malley Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It's not that he's unaware of the reception to his behavior, it's that he doesn't care about the discomfort he creates - he enjoys it -and feels that the rules don't apply to him. Dishes it out, but doesn't handle being on the receiving end so well. If he makes these kinds of jibes when he's in a good mood, you can only imagine the comments he'll direct towards you when he's angry or irritated. Definitely not worth the trouble.
suladas Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Can't believe someone would say that in front of others. I enjoy texting sexual jokes/little jabs but that's it sometimes in person but never in front of others, or anything that far. But he took it way to far, and if it's not back and forth you need to realize the other person probably doesn't like it. Like one I did with my ex, she had a sore throat and after dropping off her something for it I texted her "I can't believe I didn't even make a comment about why your throat is sore" And then she proceeded to tell me how she got it all day at work and jokingly wanted me to feel bad for her but I just laughed and said that was awesome I don't see a problem with things like that, but a sausage comment? That's horrible. Even if i'm with strictly guy friends drinking I wouldn't make a comment near that bad. I have a lot more respect for a women i'm dating then that.
Recommended Posts