steveblack Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Can I get some advice from people who met up with their ex after over 4 months of limited contact. I have done a lot of healing, hooked up with a couple different women, and definitely in a lot better place I was earlier in the breakup. Can I get some advice? Just want to be confident and calm, but I do not want to be cold.
CptSaveAho Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Pros: after 4 months.... none! Cons: you look like a chump/loseryou prevent yourself from actually healingyou never move forward because you are still living in the pastyou reopen pandora's box 4
geegirl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 On 20th Sept you posted that she was non-responsive to your communication and that it hurt you. You stated that you have to go back to NC and heal. Eighteen days later you've done a lot of healing, slept with loads of women and you're in a better place? Let that junkie mind keep working for you. Also, if you have to ask a forum how to look confident infront of an ex...well, enough said. 2
Liz2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Met mine after 3 months of no face-to-face, and well, one thing I can tell you is: remember that they aren't over you either. So whatever the situation, they've been thinking and are still thinking and so don't feel like you're the only one that's nervous. so go in with head up high
Calico Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 You wouldn't need to ask if meeting with her is a safe thing to do if you were over her. You'd either not worry or, more likely, not be interested in seeing her. Plus, was Geegirl said: Not even 3 weeks isn't quite the same as 4 months. Why do you want to meet with her? 1
blue_jay_bird Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 To me it looks like 1. Your trying to show off that she hasn't affected you, and rub it in her face. 2. Hope she is affect and either i) comes running back ii) comes running back you get to reject her. Yeah i tried this at 3 months. Doesn't make you feel better, but did make me get closer to the idea "it's over". But maybe you have to go through it, to understand that, they really, really don't want to be with you. You will be rejected again.
Author steveblack Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 On 20th Sept you posted that she was non-responsive to your communication and that it hurt you. You stated that you have to go back to NC and heal. Eighteen days later you've done a lot of healing, slept with loads of women and you're in a better place? Let that junkie mind keep working for you. Also, if you have to ask a forum how to look confident infront of an ex...well, enough said. Geegee you are on my ****! Loads on women meaning 3 in the months we have been apart. I wasn't asking a forum how to look confident, I was asking for advice. Your advice is well heard and every situation is mostly the same and somewhat different. I will probably be on the forum the day after saying "wow that was stupid" not because I want her back, but because I made the mistake thinking I was stronger than I am. Why am I going? Because I need to prove to myself I am stronger than this. I really think that is why. This is nothing compared to other **** in life. I want to face my fears.
CptSaveAho Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Geegee you are on my ****! Loads on women meaning 3 in the months we have been apart. I wasn't asking a forum how to look confident, I was asking for advice. Your advice is well heard and every situation is mostly the same and somewhat different. I will probably be on the forum the day after saying "wow that was stupid" not because I want her back, but because I made the mistake thinking I was stronger than I am. Why am I going? Because I need to prove to myself I am stronger than this. I really think that is why. This is nothing compared to other **** in life. I want to face my fears. Shes on your ass because you are SO FULL OF CRAP and you dont see it. Im so strong... I dont want her back... blah blah (ALL HOT AIR) People that are strong and confident dont need to talk to ex's for validation even though they have feelings for them Actions speak louder then words... you talk a mean show but constantly talking to and making plans to meet your ex when you say you are stronger, your actions show that you are nothing but a person that lies to himself and cant move on How about facing the fear of the actual abandonment you feel instead of constantly feeding on it with communicating with the ex or having to see them Edited October 8, 2012 by CptSaveAho
geegirl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) "Geegee you are on my ****! Loads on women meaning 3 in the months we have been apart. I wasn't asking a forum how to look confident, I was asking for advice." I'm on your a** because I know your story and it does not seem like you are thinking rationally. Yes, I know you meant loads of women in the 3 months you have been apart. I know you posted about a woman you slept with that made you feel bad afterwards. Sleeping with loads of women doesn't encourage healing. It's just a way to fill a void and mask the pain. So I wouldn't add that as a reason as to where it's taken you emotionally with your healing. Yes, you're asking the forum for advice on how to present yourself in a confident and calm manner. You're either confident because you're indifferent, or you're nervous because you're emotionally uncertain. I'm not nervous to see my ex. It's because I have no feelings. I was when I was still emotionally attached to him. "Your advice is well heard and every situation is mostly the same and somewhat different. I will probably be on the forum the day after saying "wow that was stupid" not because I want her back, but because I made the mistake thinking I was stronger than I am." If you didn't want her back or at have the need to test the waters, why the urgency in doing something that you're uncertain about, especially when you have to "test" to see how strong you are? Why risk derailment just because you're not sure. Why not "test" when you are certain you're healed and do not need contact to measure your emotional strength? "Because I need to prove to myself I am stronger than this. I really think that is why. This is nothing compared to other **** in life. I want to face my fears." Nah, you want to gauge where she is. You need that contact to test the waters. You're dealing with seasoned dumpees who have gone through all the thought patterns you have and like a junkie, we decorate, fluff and add all the bells and whistles to mask that denial. Face my fears? Prove my strength? Very admirable but I don't buy it. What you should fear is the risk of derailing yourself. What you need to prove to yourself is your utter determination to get completely healed because you want to move on with your life rather than dabble in what could possibly hurt you again. Edited October 8, 2012 by geegirl 2
Author steveblack Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Tough love! Hey I don't need my ex's validation, but you probably right with the fear of abandonment. I have accepted the breakup, there is no doubt about that. And I do NOT see, us together like before. But I do want her in my life in some aspect. Is that wrong?
Calico Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Because I need to prove to myself I am stronger than this. Not going requires more strength. Going shows weakness, lack of acceptance, lack of will, lack of discipline and disrespect for yourself. Deliberately putting yourself into a situation that jeopardizes your healing and that may cause you unnecessary pain is not "facing your fears". It's "being stupid". You're not an agoraphobic trying to leave the house to improve his life quality. That would be "facing fears", because it would lead to a healthier life. Putting your hand on the stove so that you can face your sane, healthy, self-preserving "fear" of getting burnt (you will) serves no purpose, and that's what you seem to want to do. There's no need, no purpose, no gain, no sense. There's just the illusion of reason that your addicted brain suggests to you. But if it's your choice, then that's what you must do. You always have the choice to heal now or later, and if you decide on "later", that's all right.
Author steveblack Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 "Geegee you are on my ****! Loads on women meaning 3 in the months we have been apart. I wasn't asking a forum how to look confident, I was asking for advice." I'm on your a** because I know your story and it does not seem like you are thinking rationally. Yes, I know you meant loads of women in the 3 months you have been apart. I know you posted about a woman you slept with that made you feel bad afterwards. Sleeping with loads of women doesn't encourage healing. It's just a way to fill a void and mask the pain. So I wouldn't add that as a reason as to where it's taken you emotionally with your healing. Yes, you're asking the forum for advice on how to present yourself in a confident and calm manner. You're either confident because you're indifferent, or you're nervous because you're emotionally uncertain. I'm not nervous to see my ex. It's because I have no feelings. I was when I was still emotionally attached to him. "Your advice is well heard and every situation is mostly the same and somewhat different. I will probably be on the forum the day after saying "wow that was stupid" not because I want her back, but because I made the mistake thinking I was stronger than I am." If you didn't want her back or at have the need to test the waters, why the urgency in doing something that you're uncertain about, especially when you have to "test" to see how strong you are? Why risk derailment just because you're not sure. Why not "test" when you are certain you're healed and do not need contact to measure your emotional strength? "Because I need to prove to myself I am stronger than this. I really think that is why. This is nothing compared to other **** in life. I want to face my fears." Nah, you want to gauge where she is. You need that contact to test the waters. You're dealing with seasoned dumpees who have gone through all the thought patterns you have and like a junkie, we decorate, fluff and add all the bells and whistles to mask that denial. Face my fears? Prove my strength? Very admirable but I don't buy it. What you should fear is the risk of derailing yourself. What you need to prove to yourself is your utter determination to get completely healed because you want to move on with your life rather than dabble in what could possibly hurt you again. Marry me? I need to hear these things. Thank you.
geegirl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Tough love! Hey I don't need my ex's validation, but you probably right with the fear of abandonment. I have accepted the breakup, there is no doubt about that. And I do NOT see, us together like before. But I do want her in my life in some aspect. Is that wrong? Nothing wrong with wanting an ex in your life, but open that door when you are fully healed and have moved on with your life. If there is a friendship to be found, it's going to be there when you're ready for it. What is the rush? Why can't you put your healing your priority? 4 months of LC means nothing. Contact is a RESET button. Two steps forward, three steps back. Everytime you reconnect, you fall back. Read your past posts. So when you say you have healed loads, I call you out on your denial. Accepting a break-up is one thing but completely healing from it is another. You can accept without having healed. Just because you have accepted it does not mean you've healed from it.
Author steveblack Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 I am going to meet up with her. If its to 'test the waters' or if its to prove to myself its done or whatever, I think I will just find out. I think its just time to do it. I feel that me avoiding her on purpose can only go so far. I have been on very limited contact 1 conversation a couple of texts/emails (i think 6 total) and all of the contacts have been extreme circumstances. (sister very sick, grandma death, and getting my personal items). You all could be right, and if that is the case, I will be back on here for sure.
Author steveblack Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 How do you know if you are rushing? When you are not hurt or do not think of them? I barely think of her as much as I did. My other exes I still think about, and it was years before I was completely over them. Years! man that is a long time. I never approached a breakup like this. I have done the begging, NC for ever, and nothing really works to maintain that person in your life. Geegee I should pay you for the advice. here is a heart
geegirl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) How do you know if you are rushing? When you are not hurt or do not think of them? I barely think of her as much as I did. My other exes I still think about, and it was years before I was completely over them. Years! man that is a long time. I never approached a breakup like this. I have done the begging, NC for ever, and nothing really works to maintain that person in your life. Geegee I should pay you for the advice. here is a heart Rushing = Talking yourself into believing that you're only contacting because of silly reasons i.e. your need to prove a point and to find your strength, when you know deep down it's bogus. Stop speaking from denial but from the truth. You were hurt 18 days ago and chasing for communication. Nothing changes that quick in that you've "healed loads". If you are healed, there is no need for all this analyzing. And if you have healed significantly, I bet you, you wouldn't even care to meet her. LC is a false sense of security. In the back of your mind you know she's there, therefore there's still a bandaid on that wound. The full effect of NC and the finality of her never being in your life hasn't lambasted you yet. You barely think of her? Really? That's why you have posted 19 threads since July seeking help in your struggle with this? Edited October 8, 2012 by geegirl
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 How do you know if you are rushing? When you are not hurt or do not think of them? I barely think of her as much as I did. ....... Picture her in the arms of another guy, kissing him, getting hot, undressing.... lying on the bed, letting him make love to her... looking at him the way she used to look at you... see her abandon herself completely to making passionate love with this man, wrapping her legs around him, her skin flushing in pleasure and arousal... see how he kisses her and fondles her, holds her and caresses her.... Does this leave you indifferent? Glad for her? Happy she's with another man? If not - you're not ready.
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