mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I met the most wonderful girl a year ago; weve had a few arguments but nothing serious. Weve shared some great times over the past year and got engaged in May. She told me it was the best day in her life. We planned a wedding in December and we she fell pregnant 8 weeks ago. Things were going perfectly. The crap hit the fan on my birthday. We had a big row over some news i received (great timing), it wasn't great news and it was due to something she had done. I said some things i shouldn't have. i.e. that we cant be together (it wasnt that i didn't want to its just because this news meant i stood to loose alot of money). I was cold to her all night and the next morning she had called her family to tell them she was leaving me! I managed to talk her out of it, i told her i would never leave her and we say stuff we dont mean sometimes. Sadly in my experience as soon as family get involved it all goes down hill as they become over protective and start to worry. She later asked me to apologize to her dad which put me in a mood since i felt it was understandable i was upset with the news i just received since i stood to loose 250k. We had another row and she left; again i said some things i regret. She called me the next day to say she wasnt coming back and she needed some space, she wasnt sure how long but said about a month. In less than a day she has cleared all her furniture out and clothes, in a little over 2 days my life has been turned upset down. Shes gone and theres no trace of her. She says she didnt like living here with me as shes some 45 KM from home, she misses home and doesnt have any friends. Ive done everything i can to make her feel welcome, ive taken her out all weekend, shes always been occupied. ive shown her love and looked after her, she left two jobs and i supported her yet shes now telling me she dont like it here. She assures me that she loves me and will be back but im so confused, all over a petty argument, we had the perfect life together! Am i being played? is she buying her time as i know she started the process of looking for house on the government. She says shes hormonal and feeling insecure and needs to sort herself out. But surely you work through things together, i cant beleive shes walked away and i dont know what to think now. btw shes 23 i am 32.
JustALittleBit Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Pregnant = hormones = crazy. Factor that in. 2
darkmoon Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 "again i said some things i regret" again?? change your routine
TopCat22 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Well either things were'nt as rosey as you thought they were and there were some undlying issues here, or else the pregnancy thing is really messing with her. She is also quite young and perhaps she lacks emotional maturity. I wouldn't feel too despondent yet. Feelings change all the time and the fact that she is pregnant mean she can't cut you off completely. Give her the time and space she wants and see how it plays out. Key thing; DON'T PANIC! You've already reacted and said things you didn't mean. Try and keep that emotion in check and see what she does next.
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Well either things were'nt as rosey as you thought they were and there were some undlying issues here, or else the pregnancy thing is really messing with her. She is also quite young and perhaps she lacks emotional maturity. I wouldn't feel too despondent yet. Feelings change all the time and the fact that she is pregnant mean she can't cut you off completely. Give her the time and space she wants and see how it plays out. Key thing; DON'T PANIC! You've already reacted and said things you didn't mean. Try and keep that emotion in check and see what she does next. Thanks i know i can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes but its rare, i do think its something i need to talk to someone about; i have to put this in part down to the pregnancy as we truly did have a really loving relationship. I think you're right about her maturity too. I will just have to ride it out despite it killing me. Thanks again.
TopCat22 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Stay strong. She's likely to be in a very emotional state now so anything you say or do could set her off. Try and keep yourself busy and don't focus on what has happened (easier said than done I know). She'll start to figure things out if you give her time and space. Let her figure out her feelings and what she wants. She'll let you know when she is ready.
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Interesting that she had the ability to cost you a loss of a quarter million but likely has no compretension of it! That being said, a wedding planned to take place in months, she's toddling her new belly back home, you're telling us it was harsh words from your lips. I don't know but some details are missing. Immediately your jump is into counseling for your actions while angry. Got that part. In the year of relationship you somehow avoided arguments or so you've reported. I'm confused. While I accept your self report as fact, it's hard to know if you are taking too much responsibility for her running back to her parents. Was it words or implied violence or what? At age 23 one presumes her education is complete. I am guessing she was never self supporting prior to arriving on your doorstep? Just curious. Sorry for so many questions.
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Interesting that she had the ability to cost you a loss of a quarter million but likely has no compretension of it! That being said, a wedding planned to take place in months, she's toddling her new belly back home, you're telling us it was harsh words from your lips. I don't know but some details are missing. Immediately your jump is into counseling for your actions while angry. Got that part. In the year of relationship you somehow avoided arguments or so you've reported. I'm confused. While I accept your self report as fact, it's hard to know if you are taking too much responsibility for her running back to her parents. Was it words or implied violence or what? At age 23 one presumes her education is complete. I am guessing she was never self supporting prior to arriving on your doorstep? Just curious. Sorry for so many questions. Hi thanks for taking the time to reply. the 250k is spread over 19 years. consider it a loan i didn't want to take out. my partner inadvertently provided some information to another party which i needed kept confidential. it wasnt really her fault and its all forgotten. Its only money. Yes some details are missing, i just cant seem to find them. The words i said were go back home, i dont think we can be together. Theres never been any violence. I understand telling someone to go home who's pregnant isnt the most reassuring thing. She is in debt and lived at home. I really hope shes not leaving me because she knows we will have financial constraints. i just dont know.
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It seems the wedding/marriage is off? Truthfully, she sounds to be not an adult. I see her age but I'm not understanding why an engaged "woman" nearing her wedding day, would be so emotional over an ooopsy pregnancy. If she wanted to avoid parenthood, she would have been diligent. I fully understand hormonal tearfulness. This sounds like more and it's your child involved. Your money comment sounds spot on.
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Thanks again for your response. I spoke to her on the phone earlier. She again blamed home sickness, Feeling guilty about me being the breadwinner, things she doesn't like about my past which I was upfront about (nothing sinister just I'm good freinds with ex's). My response is that you knew all this before we decided to try for a baby. It's like everything's suddenly dawned on her. She wants to stay away for a month 'to sort herself out' because she feels insecure but assures me she'll be fine in a month and she'll come back home. Frankly this is the weirdest situation I've been in. I've considered moving to be closer to her so she can be closer to her family, but that means ill be further away from work, my hobbies etc. it's not like she wont have the freedom to do what she wants most days when I'm working. Is she confused or is she up to something? She just sounds so different.
TopCat22 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 If she wasn't pregnant I'd say leave her and don't look back. However, you are now invested in this RS and there is a responsibility on you because of the baby. Give her the month and just let her be. Don't contact her, allow her the space to work through what she is feeling. Remember she is young and is facing a major life change. Wrongly or rightly she needs this space to work things out. If she contacts you, respond but keep it brief and polite. See where things are then. I don't think she is up to anything, I really think she needs to comprehend what is going on and what she wants. Let her do this.
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 We can only speculate as to her motives. How much influence her family has in opposition to you. "Trying for a baby" implies decided action. Not an unplanned pregnancy. You seem to have been honest, offered her financial support and marriage, what else is there to do? I cannot see what a 1 month separation resolves to be honest. It sounds to me as if she was playing house and now puts excuses to you but how that improves your relationship? I can only imagine that you must feel uncertain about marriage at this time. You've no reason to move. That's just not wise in my reading of this. Homesick? WTF. She's 23 and pregnant.
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Thank you all for your responses. You've helped more than enough. Just needed to rationalise things. Agree with all your comments. I love kids so will be a very hands on dad. She may be suffering as I can imagine she is so I will give her the space she needs, but boy something just doesn't add up.
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 In all honesty, it's your only choice of reason. My caution to you is to give her that space in a meaningful way. When and IF she returns, try not to rehash old discussions. For example, your past is a fact set. Instead try to address her insecurity with present life events. You sound very much ready for parenthood. Perhaps you'll be experiencing more hands on than you know! The bigger question is how do you feel about her parents raising your child? Keep us updated and come here to vent. I don't imagine this is too much fun.
Sporty Girl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'm afraid to tell you that now that you have knocked her up, she has financially trapped you. She will be taking you for whatever she can get. She will be using the baby as bait. By you telling her that she has ruined you're life, will make her runaway more. She knows that as soon as the baby is born she can milk you for child support. You might want to think about getting fixed, or some kind of birth control next time if you don't want any kids. Good luck!
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Thanks again. I sit here utterly shocked. I thought I would try and find out a bit more about what she wants so I played with the idea of living apart and having a weekend relationship! To my utter dismay she responded that it was a good idea as long as I didn't mind! I can't beleive I've been taken for a complete mug. Please tell me I'm not being irrational here
darkmoon Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Thanks again. I sit here utterly shocked. I thought I would try and find out a bit more about what she wants so I played with the idea of living apart and having a weekend relationship! To my utter dismay she responded that it was a good idea as long as I didn't mind! I can't beleive I've been taken for a complete mug. Please tell me I'm not being irrational here this is what they do in sweden, loyal but living separately, the swedes even have a word for it, by chance i had a long term thing like this myself, we were happy, i could get away from his snoring and he didn't ever see me without my hair looking nice sorry to put a halt to the she's-pregnant-so-she's-nuts insult but she is just nesting and also very protective of her baby at this time real busy planning the baby's life, this planning and busyness will continue for the next eighteen years why did you suggest week-ends only if you don't want that? she's being agreeable to it, which is pleasant - no? Edited October 8, 2012 by darkmoon
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Irrational would be thinking you could do more? Making a considered decision, resisting forcing her into a WIN:LOSE would be irrational. You owned your words, spoken in anger, apologized, listened to her and have been engaged in civil communication. You've made efforts to engage an enlargement of time to continue an intimate relationship. Resist the urge to self blame. Edited October 8, 2012 by Balzac
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 this is what they do in sweden, loyal but living separately, the swedes even have a word for it, by chance i had a long term thing like this myself, we were happy, i could get away from his snoring and he didn't ever see me without my hair looking nice sorry to put a halt to the she's-pregnant-so-she's-nuts insult but she is just nesting and also very protective of her baby at this time real busy planning the baby's life, this planning and busyness will continue for the next eighteen years why did you suggest week-ends only if you don't want that? she's being agreeable to it, which is pleasant - no? Thank you for your great replies. I should elaborate on why i was probing about her intentions to live apart. i couldn't fill in the gaps as to why she left suddenly, especially when i have done so much for her and we had one 'bad day at the office' as it were. I suggested she find a house near her parents which would mean only weekends due to where my work was. I wanted to know if she would be happy with that. Bare in mind when we planned for this child and i wanted a family and wanted to be there 100%. i didnt want to ever be a weekend dad. It was to probe whether being a family was the most important thing, i gathered from her exchange she was happy me providing for her financially and seeing her at the weekends. it feels like she's become pregnant and took he first opportunity to leave me to set up her nest next to her parents. im now surplus to her requirements and im devastated. How could someone be so blatant!
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 From your posts it's unclear if weekend only relationship is in practice? Do you hold an expectation of exclusivity during this "space"? As to the obvious and mentioned now paternity question, yikes. Absent marriage the question of your name on the birth certificate comes into play. I'm thinking you must be UK not USA? At this point you must be pondering how to protect your parental rights. Lots for you to think ahead on. She may not come to adult reasoning for many years. The joint parenting will endure for years beyond 18. Try to think long term when making your decisions. There is a cascade effect. One decision effecting another and on it goes.
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your great replies. I should elaborate on why i was probing about her intentions to live apart. i couldn't fill in the gaps as to why she left suddenly, especially when i have done so much for her and we had one 'bad day at the office' as it were. I suggested she find a house near her parents which would mean only weekends due to where my work was. I wanted to know if she would be happy with that. Bare in mind when we planned for this child and i wanted a family and wanted to be there 100%. i didnt want to ever be a weekend dad. It was to probe whether being a family was the most important thing, i gathered from her exchange she was happy me providing for her financially and seeing her at the weekends. it feels like she's become pregnant and took he first opportunity to leave me to set up her nest next to her parents. im now surplus to her requirements and im devastated. How Jcould someone be so blatant! Painful to even read this. I cannot imagine how devastated and excluded you are feeling. It seems you need to gain legal understanding of your parental rights. Not to encourage you to become adversarial. Edited October 8, 2012 by Balzac
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 From your posts it's unclear if weekend only relationship is in practice? Do you hold an expectation of exclusivity during this "space"? As to the obvious and mentioned now paternity question, yikes. Absent marriage the question of your name on the birth certificate comes into play. I'm thinking you must be UK not USA? At this point you must be pondering how to protect your parental rights. Lots for you to think ahead on. She may not come to adult reasoning for many years. The joint parenting will endure for years beyond 18. Try to think long term when making your decisions. There is a cascade effect. One decision effecting another and on it goes. Hi mate. Up until last week we lived together. She now would prefer me to be a part time dad seeing me at weekends. She was making excuses about returning home but something told me she was using delay tactics as i couldnt just piece together how someone could change overnight. I know im the dad, she wont get an abortion. I want to be a proper father and have a family, this isnt what i wanted. I already have a young boy from a previous relationship and i have spent 1000's in the courts trying to see him more. I simply cant go through this again. early 30's two kids two different partners. not how i imagined it would be!
darkmoon Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your great replies. I should elaborate on why i was probing about her intentions to live apart. i couldn't fill in the gaps as to why she left suddenly, especially when i have done so much for her and we had one 'bad day at the office' as it were. I suggested she find a house near her parents which would mean only weekends due to where my work was. I wanted to know if she would be happy with that. Bare in mind when we planned for this child and i wanted a family and wanted to be there 100%. i didnt want to ever be a weekend dad. It was to probe whether being a family was the most important thing, i gathered from her exchange she was happy me providing for her financially and seeing her at the weekends. it feels like she's become pregnant and took he first opportunity to leave me to set up her nest next to her parents. im now surplus to her requirements and im devastated. How could someone be so blatant! tbh, with a baby in a couple's life, alot of what was there between the couple has to be put on hold, babies are demanding, 24/7 every four hours they need their bottle, up at four in the morning for feeding duty for the first three months of the baby's life, at age two they run everywhere but have no sense of danger so parent/s have to watch them all the time, teething at age one is very painful, baby cries alot as baby's first teeth are pushing through, mothers need/are grateful/desperate for help or even a whole day off if this life is what you will enjoy - tell her not me Edited October 8, 2012 by darkmoon
Author mrfamilyguy Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 tbh, with a baby in a couple's life, alot of what was there between the couple has to be put on hold, babies are demanding, 24/7 every four hours they need their bottle, up at four in the morning for feeding duty for the first three months of the baby's life, at age two they run everywhere but have no sense of danger so parent/s have to watch them all the time, teething at age one is very painful, baby cries alot as baby's first teeth are pushing through, mothers need/are grateful/desperate for help or even a whole day off if this life is what you will enjoy - tell her not me I got no problem with fatherhood, i wanted to be there as a father not be used as a sperm donor. ive been through it before and love my son more than life itself. he's a beautiful boy. I originally started out trying to find out why someone could up and leave when pregnant and with some constructive probing its now obvious she was playing me for a pay check. I tell you one thing she was very believable. Ive told her how upset i am with her. I wont be getting in contact with her till i am certain how i want this to proceed. thanks again all, youve all offered some great advice.
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