dreamstate83 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Although my story is about two months old, I wanted to share it here on loveshack: I'm 28 and I've had quite a lot of experience in relationships. I've been the dumper, the dumpee, and engaged throughout my life. Here is my story: About 8 years ago I met someone online. I wasn't looking for a relationship (especially not one that started online), but over the years we began to develop feelings for each other. She lives in Australia, while I live in Florida. One day last year, she flew out here to spend some time with me and to see America (New York in particular), which is when we decided that we were a good match and made it official. I've always wanted to travel, so in due time I managed to fly out to Australia to be with her - a huge sacrifice. But there was a problem that made itself abundantly clear: Jobs. I was out in Australia on a work and holiday visa (nicknamed the backpacker's visa). This meant that I could only stay at any one job temporarily. This led to 8 months and over 100 resumes being submitted but zero hires. I couldn't find work because of my visa, but I tried to get anything I could - call centers, cleaning floors - I didn't care. It just didn't work. We had all in all 2 fights while I was there, neither of us yelled and they passed rather quickly. I cooked dinner for her every night, and drove her to and from her job as well. She bought a house 4 months in with the plans of living with me, and so I spent the last 4 months in Australia putting a lot of manual labor into the house to make it livable. So at around the 8 month mark, my life took a U-turn. She said the dreaded words "I don't think this is working". She told me that she didn't believe that I was trying to work, and that I didn't seem proactive enough. I told her a good relationship talks about things and works through the hard parts together - but she said it was too late. So I took the hardest plane flight (that she paid for) back to the states. 20+ hours of overall flight time and zero sleep. Fast forward a month to where I am now. She wants to be my friend, and she says she is having a hard time with the breakup. She wants to focus on finishing her last semester and saving money. I got a job immediately when I got back, and it put her off a little that I was able to work so quickly since I struggled so hard to in Australia. Anyways, she wants me to be a friend, and she says she wants me to be happy. I asked her to tell me that we will never be together again and she can't, though she's not willing to say that we will either. I just implemented the NC rule because talking to her hurts too much, and to give her time to figure out what she wants (she says she can't throw anything away I've given her - so she still seems attached, and she is a bit jealous but accepting of my female friends that flirt with me now that I'm single). If I were to give myself advice, it would be to focus on myself - save my own money, and try to move on. If she contacts me again I can reassess the situation at that time but I shouldn't live as if it's going to happen. I know what needs to be done, but I guess I just need some public affirmation. Driving myself nuts down here in the Florida sun living my nights on sleeping pills and days unable to move. Well, it's been almost 2 months now since D-Day. I tried to be her friend (she said she truly believed that we could work our way back to a relationship), but quite honestly it was just too much to handle so I walked away from the friendship. It's been 4 days since I walked away, and I'm feeling a lot better because of it. Giving myself time to think makes me realize that the sacrifice I made of moving across the world is one that I doubt she could ever understand or do for anyone. Not many people would do that kind of thing! I'm still emotionally connected to her, and during the breakup she made mention that she would have married me (something she's normally against in all circumstances). What great timing? Tell the guy you are kicking to the curb you would have married him. Ouch. I've given up on this girl that I once believed I would always be with. I'm worth more than being the "someday maybe" fallback! I guess I just wanted to remind everyone going through a breakup that all hope isn't lost. Look at me - I literally lost everything I owned over a girl and even put my life on hold (willingly, too!). I'm sitting in one of 5 outfits on my computer - my only real possessions since arriving state side. If I can start rebuilding my life from scratch, then you will be just fine guys and gals! Sometimes the hardest choices in your life will also be the right ones~ Edited October 8, 2012 by dreamstate83
Liz2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I love your positivity on starting over, and I wish this had worked out for you but the distance is huge and the job issues etc. It does sound like you need a clean break from it. It's a shame but your positivity will lead you to someone new eventually. 3
Minka333 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 First off, way to go! Your strength and determination is inspiring. You didn't let failure hamper your growth. ..and yeah you deserve WAY more than being a fallback guy, just maintain that attitude and you'll see more positive changes happen in your life.
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the kind words everyone! It's a journey I've traveled multiple times before so I know how these things go typically. In my experience, if you were a genuinely nice guy and tried hard in the relationship the ex will always come back around, but in most cases it will be when you've already moved on. Such is life! I'll keep this updated if the story grows at all, but it will be under a new chapter in a new book! Edited October 9, 2012 by dreamstate83 1
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) Update 10/14/2010: I've already accepted that the relationship is over, and have already gotten thoughts out of my head of any reconciliation (as posted above). With this new mindset, I had a single question to ask her and so I sent her an email: "I just have one question that was never answered. Did you fall out of love with me at some point in the relationship we had?" The response was: "How can either of us move on with this continuing? No more conversations so you can tell me stories about girls you hook up with. It's pointless. Your life is obviously going well so go out and enjoy it. Enough." Well, I've never said anything about girls to her - nor have I blown up communications begging and pleading. All she knew is that there were women who had a lot of interest in me here in Florida that I never pursued - In fact I've been perfectly loyal to her and haven't even given attention of any kind to other women during the relationship. I guess she's still grieving and coming to terms with her own decisions and projecting it with anger. What a surprise! It feels nice to be the one who has a foot ahead in the race for once . I told her I wouldn't email her anymore, and wished her the best recovery. Nothing stings them more than continuing to be the good guy who doesn't lose their cool. On a related note, I got the answer I needed. It's clear she's simply confused about where she stands. At least now I know it wasn't a love issue. Based on the events of this email, I expect a message form her in the next 4 weeks apologizing. I really wish these things weren't so predictable. Edited October 14, 2012 by dreamstate83
Million.to.1 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Really sad story. and makes me nervous. i've just invited my boy from Toronto to come and spend a year in NZ doing the working/holiday thing.... he's thinking it through at the moment. you are doing really great though with moving forward. your attitude is terrific.
River Rain Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Nothing stings them more than continuing to be the good guy who doesn't lose their cool. You want to sting her?
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 You want to sting her? Hah I guess the wording was a bit confusing. I have no intention of causing her any frustrations, I just know that me not losing control will do just that. I can't wait until one day down the road someone throws me off to where I can't predict their next move.
River Rain Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Hah I guess the wording was a bit confusing. I have no intention of causing her any frustrations, I just know that me not losing control will do just that. I can't wait until one day down the road someone throws me off to where I can't predict their next move. I guess I took that a little to heart because my ex would always engage me after nc, knowing that it would anger me, then go silent on me, making it more hurtful and harder to move on. I hope your next attempt at nc is successful.
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 I guess I took that a little to heart because my ex would always engage me after nc, knowing that it would anger me, then go silent on me, making it more hurtful and harder to move on. I hope your next attempt at nc is successful. Yeah it will be. I'm not doing NC to heal at this point really, I just don't feel like opening dialog with her. I asked her if she stopped loving me because it's the one question she refused to answer ever since the breakup. I guess I just figured it's been long enough now that she could at least give me that much, but honestly I kind of figured she'd still be just as vague. Any time I've broken up with people I let them know exactly what the reason was at the point of separation, because I don't want them to suffer and hang on like there is still a chance. Then again I have never broken up with someone unless I stopped loving them. Ah well
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) Yikes I need to stop myself. I have handled this entire thing incredibly well until about 30 minutes ago. Reality check time. Ok I'm done and good again Edited October 15, 2012 by dreamstate83
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) deleting this message for personal reasons Edited October 15, 2012 by dreamstate83
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) Just had another ex get in touch with me - it's been a long time since I've talked to this one (years upon years). I swear going through a breakup is like turning on a people magnet. She ended up moving to Texas because of custody issues with her ex husband. She's remarried now. Here is what she had to say: "I'm really sorry for the what I did. Regardless of the **** that happened between us before I left, I shouldn't have done what I did. I paid for it dearly. Karma's a bitch and I got what I deserved. I've thought about our time together a lot and I feel like such an idiot. I wasn't really myself through most of that time because I was more depressed than I've ever been. I'm pretty sure you were too and in other circumstances I think we would've been fine and very happy. But, we were dealt a different hand and we did the best we could. I never meant to hurt you though. I was so very in love with you and I think when I came to Texas and you wouldn't come with me I knew it was over. I knew you would never come regardless of what you said and I drowned the pain in alcohol and well, you know the rest. I'm not trying to blame you for my actions by any means so don't take it like that. I was wrong and I'm the first one to admit it. And then I didn't even have the balls to talk to you! It's disgusting and I'm still disappointed in myself for my actions or lack thereof. I just want you to know that I was honestly and truly in love with you, probably more than I've ever loved anyone. You're a great guy and one day you'll make some woman out there the happiest woman in the world. Just don't ever let yourself be afraid to love ever again! Not all women are psycho bitches like me!" My self-esteem just shot up 50 points. It's reassuring to know that I am a good guy Edited October 19, 2012 by dreamstate83
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Had a scheduled call with the ex about an hour ago. It sounds like she used the week planning for it and what she had to say. I asked her how she's been and she said "I'm good" but she didn't sound too happy. I asked her what she wanted and how she viewed me. She said in a perfect world she'd like to know me as a friend but that she couldn't go back to a relationship because of how the last few months were (stress from money mostly). She compared it to being bi-polar which was a bit odd. I've never been accused of that before. I basically said that I disagree but understand. I told her thanks for the amazing memories and that we shouldn't fight because it would be a disservice to the good times we shared. I told her that in the end I want her to be happy, and hung up the phone. Chapter End. Now who's ready for life's next chapter? I know I am!
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) Well last week we had talked a bit and she admitted that she really missed hanging out with me. Today a friend tells me she's just got into a relationship with someone that works at the university with her out there in australia. I believe it's probably a rebound judging by her interactions with me only 1-2 weeks ago, but what I believe doesn't matter. I really wish he wouldn't have told me. I was perfectly fine moving on in ignorant bliss. Edited October 30, 2012 by dreamstate83
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