kaylan Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Skip to the last paragraph for a summary and to avoid fluff. We know how pervasive the idea of men not wanting relationships is. Most sitcoms, movies, books, etc revolving around a group of young singles include a male character who gets around and enjoys being single most of the time. I find its rare we see a female character who enjoys hooking up and is given props for it. Usually the female characters casually date with less overt hooking up, and tend to have more relationships. And when they do hook up, their character doesnt really celebrate this fact. But all of that comes from the real life perception some women have that many, if not most, men dont want relationships in their youth. And this is coupled with the idea that they mainly want sex. Id like to say that this first of all isnt true for a great portion of men. Id say the number of men looking for relationships and not that into casual sex, is about even with women. I argue that the idea that men are more of the commitment phobes and horn dogs comes from women being more vocal about their dating failures. So when the guys they want dont want them back, you hear about it more. I rarely hear my guy friends gripe about women wanting different things than they do...and they have the same sort of luck my female friends do. Just as many of the guys are single as the chicks itd seem. With all that being said, here my main focus. There is a decent portion of men who dont want relationships in their youth and focus mainly on sex and companionship without commitment. But I wonder if women ever think to ask why many guys end up at that spot? Most of the guys I know who date around a lot, are guys whove been burned badly in the past, and thus are cautious to commit unless they meet a girl whos absolutely amazing and gives them no reason to worry. Ive only had two real girlfriends in my life. Im 26 next week, and Ive had girlfriends at 18 and 22. I got burned bad by my first love at 18 and spent 3 years hooking up when I felt the need, and simply having fun with my friends. Then I fell hard for my last ex right before turning 22. It took a lot for me to open up and let her in and she did raise some red flags. While I did get burned in the end, that was the most important relationship of my life and I really grew having gone through what I did. And after the dissolution of that relationship Ive spent a few years enjoy single life again. The thing is sometimes Im not sure how open Id be to the idea of making myself vulnerable to a great girl. And I know this plays into the idea that Im just some young guy who cant commit and only wants sex. But its so not true. From 15 to 22 all I cared about was falling in love and committing myself to an amazing girl. And while I still want that, Im far more cautious and try to take my time getting to know someone. And I know Ill only commit if Im absolutely sure of my feelings for a girl. And thats rare for me to come across such an amazing girl. Thats happened twice in 10 years of dating that a female has gotten my guard down. Anyways, basically all Im wondering is if girls ever consider that a dudes been burned bad, and thats why hes having a hard time just giving himself to her right away. Or if she considers that he needs to make absolutely sure theyre right for each other. Its not just about sex and getting around. Sure some guys genuinely want to explore all there is to explore with dating, women, and sex...but I never had those urges until after being kicked in the heart a couple time. Edited October 8, 2012 by kaylan
Minka333 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I totally get you. That's why i don't totally judge a guy at a bat coz' i certainly don't know if he'd been through a lot of issues or pressures. It is better to let them be until the time they are ready to enter into a serious relationship. I think it applies to some women too. 1
mesmerized Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Sorry but thats an excuse. You think women don't get their heart broken? The reality is that men need the companionship and emotional connection less than women. Most men would be happy doing random girls consistently while they get to do what they want and enjoy their various hobbies. Now this might change as they get older and lonlier, but usually holds true during their younger years. 1
monkey00 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Anyways, basically all Im wondering is if girls ever consider that a dudes been burned bad, and thats why hes having a hard time just giving himself to her right away. Or if she considers that he needs to make absolutely sure theyre right for each other. Its not just about sex and getting around. Sure some guys genuinely want to explore all there is to explore with dating, women, and sex...but I never had those urges until after being kicked in the heart a couple time. This happens plenty to girls also. I feel them if that would be the case, or either I would assume they just don't have much dating experience. Communication is important though and it would be nice if they told me...otherwise I might start making assumptions about the person.
Lonely Ronin Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 This happens plenty to girls also. I feel them if that would be the case, or either I would assume they just don't have much dating experience. Communication is important though and it would be nice if they told me...otherwise I might start making assumptions about the person. Don't you know guys aren't supposed to talk about our feelings, specially fears or insecurities? I've had my heart dug out with a dull spoon a few times, and I find it harder talking about it with next woman that I do getting over & learning from it.
kae Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 yes.. that`s the first phaze guyshy dude\chick then comes the im looking for Mr(s). perfect and your not perfect phaze.. i dont know what`s next but.. yeah all people crave to be loved .. but you still need to reciprocate.. a little .. people are scared of rejection too!
Thursday Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think the greatest disservice ANYone can do to themselves is to believe the sweeping generalizations made about either gender. That way lies quicksand and madness. I have brothers and several male pals and I don't see that their hearts are any less vulnerable than women's hearts or, for that matter, that my women friends aren't inclined to let lust guide their choices from time to time. 1
Woggle Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I don't think men are anymore commitment phobic than women are these days but most men who are have been burned badly. They say behind every B word is a man who made her that way which might be true but behind most callous players is also a woman who made them that way. Most players I have seen have been burned by a woman. 1
Emilia Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Everyone who gives themselves fully to relationships get burned at some point. It's how you deal with it long term that's a measure of your character. Ultimately, you are responsible for the kind of person you turn out to be. If you feel you have to turn into some kind of player and hurt those that want you, I'm not sorry the slightest. 3
Leigh 87 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Sorry but thats an excuse. You think women don't get their heart broken? The reality is that men need the companionship and emotional connection less than women. Most men would be happy doing random girls consistently while they get to do what they want and enjoy their various hobbies. Now this might change as they get older and lonlier, but usually holds true during their younger years. No way. Many guys want a great girl who they have the right connection with, rather than sleeping or dating around with women they do not have strong feelings for. In life, people get hurt. It is only natural for men to be open to the right girl, while still excercising caution. Who wouldn't? Even the most stable and loving of relationships can come to an abrupt end; people cheat, make bad decisions, and then there is the risk of you growing apart. If even the best relationships can crumble, doesn't it make sense to firstly: -hold out longer in order to find the right girl - then ensure you can trust them ..............It evidently takes a long time to find the right girl, and some men are willing to be single for longer in order to only date quality girls who they feel they could have a future with. I think this post is about still wanting great love, but holding out longer to find it, and having women wrongly judge men who are this way. I have personally never felt this way about men; I just inately know that most men will want to be with the right women, unless they have serious issues regarding intimacy and committment. I wonder why men have that image? Perhaps because more men readily admit to engaging in casual sex, where as more women tend to hide when they do so? Therefore it may look like men are out having fun more than women in that regard. Lastly, I think men in movies are depicted differently; there is a male sterotype found in many movies, such as BRIDESMADES: in that movie, there is a rich, sexy man who has several ladies on call. He charms them and gives them a false sense of intimacy and happiness. The girl thinks she is okay, when really it makes her feel like cr@p being with a man who will ever committ to her. You do not see as many girls who act this way in movies; who sleep with several guys at once, having them at her beck and call. Is it just me, or are guys better at saying " she is not into me enough to date me long term, so what, I will move on and find someone who will" Where as women tend to dwell on it and complain to their mates about it? I sure wouldn't think anything of a man who hooked up with me, who I liked, but who did not want a relationship. Next.
Leigh 87 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 oh oh oh, and don't forget: " many men do want and are open to relationships....just not with you" In which case more girls than guys probably make a big deal out of it... Hence the bad rap for men. Men probably just get on with it and accept that not everyone can be right for one another, and not take it as a personal affront. I also think that men can more readily sleep with women without becoming emotionally invested; where as women get more emotionally attached, and therefore probably care more if the guy is not into them the day after the sexual encounter. Hence the complaining and " no men want a committment" b/s
Revolver Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Most men(especially younger 16-25)would rather play the field and have ONS or FWB's then be in relationships. I've had friends/acquaintances say or insinuate that the reason that they were with their current GF was because they couldn't get a FWB either with her or better looking woman. So even though they didnt really like her, it was better then not getting consistent sex In my experience, alot of men settle for relationships and alot of women settle for Being FWB People can say different but it's mostly true 2
monkey00 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Don't you know guys aren't supposed to talk about our feelings, specially fears or insecurities? I've had my heart dug out with a dull spoon a few times, and I find it harder talking about it with next woman that I do getting over & learning from it. I do know that haha I was referring to women in my post. For guys it's probably a little trickier with the whole 'no feelings' thing. I would say try to get over it, or at the end of the day you're just screwing yourself over with women.
Mrlonelyone Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 This is just another place where gender stereotypes are wrong. Males and females may express their feelings differently, but we all have the same feelings. Everyone wants real intimacy, but anyone who we let in can hurt us. It is possible that some women, who have been hurt, take the idea that men feel less very seriously. This makes it easier to be callous. Add to that the social acceptability of women talking about relationship issues.. Then add the men who are all to willing to act out a callous manly stereotype. The result is a bunch of people who fear intimacy. Intimacy is like oral sex. To enjoy it you have to expose your soft parts to their teeth.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 If you felt "burned" you wouldn't be opening yourself up to anything (including, and especially sex). When guys say they were "burned" and that's why they don't do relationships, all I think is it's an excuse to sleep around without you know, being a player. 2
grkBoy Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I still stand by the notion that most women chase the most desirable men. Those men know they have plenty of options, so they simply decide they don't need to commit or give much...since there's plenty of women in line to get with him. These women continually chase these men, fail, and then believe men do not want commitment...not ever acknowledging the many men they overlook who would commit.
SJC2008 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Saying men don't want relationships is wrong. I've alwas been one of ony a couple of singe guys at my last few jobs going back to I'd say the age of 25. Most people are coupled up or married.
Woggle Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Many women enjoy being FWB and many men want to commit. It all depends on the individual. If women wanted relationships so much more than men why do so many young women who admit they are with great men catch GIGs and all of a sudden want to be single and see what else is out there?
Mrlonelyone Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I still stand by the notion that most women chase the most desirable men. Those men know they have plenty of options, so they simply decide they don't need to commit or give much...since there's plenty of women in line to get with him. These women continually chase these men, fail, and then believe men do not want commitment...not ever acknowledging the many men they overlook who would commit. That's only true up to a point. By a certain point in age and experiences even good looking men and women want to commit. All too often such a person can't get a commitment. Plenty of women may want to have sex with those men, but they also don't want to commit to those men. They want men who will commit to them who are attractive enough but not so hot that they have to worry about every other woman.
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 That's only true up to a point. By a certain point in age and experiences even good looking men and women want to commit. All too often such a person can't get a commitment. Plenty of women may want to have sex with those men, but they also don't want to commit to those men. They want men who will commit to them who are attractive enough but not so hot that they have to worry about every other woman. I don't think that's true at all. When I am attracted to someone, it's not like it's a conscious decision. I also won't pass up on someone because they are too good-looking. If you can trust him, there's no reason to be worrying about every other woman.
verhrzn Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I completely believe men want relationships. I just think a lot of men have extremely high standards for relationships. Since it is more socially acceptable for men to stay single than women, it means they can retain their high standards and not be shamed for it (Where's the male equivalent of "Settle for Mr. Good Enough"?) It seems like the guys with lower standards just want a relationship because it's an easy access for sex. I suspect that if you gave them easy-access sex, then their standards for a relationship would suddenly shoot up. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I don't think that's true at all. When I am attracted to someone, it's not like it's a conscious decision. I also won't pass up on someone because they are too good-looking. If you can trust him, there's no reason to be worrying about every other woman. Oh I know being attracted to someone isn't a choice. Having a relationship is a choice. Usually one driven by emotions, too often, not the right emotions. You know, people who settle out of hear of being alone, people who sabotage good relationships out of fear of being hurt. 1
grkBoy Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Since it is more socially acceptable for men to stay single than women That's changing. Nowadays a man who stays single is deemed a "man-child" or "child-man" or immature...while a woman who chooses to stay single is seen as "strong", "empowered", and "independent".
verhrzn Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 That's changing. Nowadays a man who stays single is deemed a "man-child" or "child-man" or immature...while a woman who chooses to stay single is seen as "strong", "empowered", and "independent". A man does not have a sell-by date. Women do. There is still strong social currency that a woman past a certain age is dried-up, valueless, unappealing, etc. Older single men, on the other hand, are sexy, established, mature, etc. An older man is a bachelor. An older woman is a cougar.
AD1980 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I still stand by the notion that most women chase the most desirable men. Those men know they have plenty of options, so they simply decide they don't need to commit or give much...since there's plenty of women in line to get with him. These women continually chase these men, fail, and then believe men do not want commitment...not ever acknowledging the many men they overlook who would commit. I agree what women really mean is how come there are no very good looking high status eligible good Men My one very good looking friend has all the women throwing themslves at him while the rest of us remain invisible
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