Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 My husband told me recently that he had chatted with his ex-girlfriend a number of times on the computer--including video chatting. He says it happened when things in general, especially the bedroom, were a bit rocky/distant between the two of us and that he was looking for some, I guess sexual and general, attention. He says it was only "talking," that the worst that was said was that she said "she missed the good old days with him" and that she admitted being jealous about him and me. From what he had previously told me they had a primarily sexual relationship but he actually just admitted to me that they had discussed marriage to one another. He says the chatting only happened a couple of times and that he has stopped. How should I handle this? :(
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Why do you think he came clean? Were you suspicious? If he is telling the full truth, that's a good thing. He realized he was wrong, what he was doing was wrong. Either way, good for him for telling you about this. Take this as a big red flag that you two need to make time for one another, communicate and reconnect. He's handled it wrong, he should have talked to you instead of seeking attention from another woman - That's all on him! This 'ex' has to go though..He has to end the friendship and block her out of his life in every way. Fact is, this woman IS interested in him and I'm sure she'd jump at the chance to sleep with him again and have an affair.
Author Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Well he came clean after learning of something similar on my end--when i asked him if he would have told me about the chats otherwise he says he probably wouldn't have... I guess I'm just scared that there's more he's not telling me.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Did you have an emotional affair or inappropriate friendship with another man? You two need to come clean with each other about everything, lay it all out on the table. Try marriage counselling - It'll help you two communicate in a 'safe' place. Safe meaning, someone is there to mediate and not let things get out of control. Do you love him? I mean truly love him to fight for your marriage? Do you two have kids?
Author Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 We both got distracted to a certain extent after a period of distance but there were no affairs on either of our ends---not that I know of anyhow. I've come completely clean but he doubts me, which makes me doubt him.... Bad cycle. Yes I love him very much and have been and am willing to keep fighting. No kids... I guess I know the extent of my end but wanted a clearer picture of how I should interpret/judge his chats with his ex based on other folks' experiences with that sort of thing...
kae Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Believe him.. Stay cool.. drop it.. He obviously wants more sex ..which means more love and affection.. He wants to be desired.. I think you need to create physical space to create emotional closeness..sounds counterintuitive.. but it creates desire Make yourself super busy.. but always express love and unity with words and touch.. it will get him confused and you`ll become his primary thought thereby creating desire. Its important to stay cool.. u`ll keep your power that way making you attractive. then give a little.. seductive mama play.. and PULL BACK! get him chasing you... and when your ready.. that he`s hot.. make him say sorry that he even went there with his ex.. and lastly.. Drop it like its hot lol stay cool!
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Has he ended it with the ex? You two now have some serious trust issues going on and a trained therapist, a marriage counselor really can help you both. As long as you two are willing to meet half way, each of you give 100 percent to committing to one another and make a go of your marriage. Fix the holes that allowed you both to gain attention outside of the marriage.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Believe him.. Stay cool.. drop it.. He obviously wants more sex ..which means more love and affection.. He wants to be desired.. I think you need to create physical space to create emotional closeness..sounds counterintuitive.. but it creates desire Make yourself super busy.. but always express love and unity with words and touch.. it will get him confused and you`ll become his primary thought thereby creating desire. Its important to stay cool.. u`ll keep your power that way making you attractive. then give a little.. seductive mama play.. and PULL BACK! get him chasing you... and when your ready.. that he`s hot.. make him say sorry that he even went there with his ex.. and lastly.. Drop it like its hot lol stay cool! Married people shouldn't play this cat and mouse game. Sorry, I don't agree with your advice. Game playing in a marriage is not a healthy marriage, let alone one where both parties have wandered outside of the marriage! How is this going to help improve their trust issues? Their closeness and intimacy? They need to make special time for one another. Make the effort to go out on dates. Prioritize what's important and bond again. Remember why they fell in love. Playing games will not help, if anything, it'll make things worse. 4
Author Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 He has "ended" it with the ex as far as I know---although he also expressed that he doesn't want to feel suffocated and would like to talk to her and other exes as friends from time to time...something along the lines of both of us should be able to maintain boundaries, even with exes. Which ideally is true....
Author Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Has he ended it with the ex? You two now have some serious trust issues going on and a trained therapist, a marriage counselor really can help you both. As long as you two are willing to meet half way, each of you give 100 percent to committing to one another and make a go of your marriage. Fix the holes that allowed you both to gain attention outside of the marriage. I am all for marriage counseling but he's not so much--I am in individual counseling now though.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 He has "ended" it with the ex as far as I know---although he also expressed that he doesn't want to feel suffocated and would like to talk to her and other exes as friends from time to time...something along the lines of both of us should be able to maintain boundaries, even with exes. Which ideally is true.... Wrong! Those ex's are ex's for a reason, especially the recent one! It's different if the ex is still in his life and you know her. Sometimes over time that happens, paths cross again, though most involve their spouses to meet the ex. Him not wanting to let go is a red flag!! He has gotten used to relying on other women to feed his ego and to make him feel good. Or when he's bored, you're not around. If he's been doing this for a long time then it's a habit! This is why he probably wants to hang onto them. Really think about it, what does an ex actually provide in his life? It's selfish reasons why he wants them around. And, you say he doesn't want to do counselling? That's not good..It means he may not be ready to really and fully commit to ONLY you and the marriage again. Don't even consider having children until these issues are fixed and you two are doing much better and the trust level is higher. 3
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 He has "ended" it with the ex as far as I know---although he also expressed that he doesn't want to feel suffocated and would like to talk to her and other exes as friends from time to time This means he hasn't ended it and has no intention to. How many ex's does he still talk to..And why? Do you know them? Have you met them? Boundries are a good thing. Any guys I know, my H knows as well. Past and present. NO ex's though. I don't keep in touch with any of them.
Author Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Well he says it was only once or twice....and that he himself recognized his reasoning for chatting with this one particular ex as a red flag and stopped. He has 2 other exes that he has talked to once since we've been together. He says it was just to say hello/see how they're doing. I don't know them/have not met them. He says we should both be able to talk with our exes if we maintain boundaries. I'm not interested in speaking with exes but I understand the boundary point he makes...
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Yup I agree with that, with boundries. And not hiding or lying about it either. It's one thing to say hi once in a while but that's it. No reason to keep a friendship going unless you've met the x and are OK with them having a friendship (this is where spouses have to meet and be included once in a while too). It's good he's realized this on his own. Question is, why does he feel the need to reach out to his ex's? why won't he go to MC with you?
Author Sacredone Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Yeah--I guess I can understand the outreach when we were both distant since I also felt the distance/got distracted..I think he is reluctant to go to MC because 1) when our problems first came to light, we went to one emergency MC session a few weeks later and I didn't come clean there but only after he directly confronted me 2) he thinks they don't really help/just want money 3) He thinks the majority of our problems are due to me.... We went to one more MC session together and I was 100% honest/open there. But the MC wasn't very good. My biggest mistake/regret is that I trickle truthed him regarding my end out of fear of him thinking it was much worse than it was...I have gone above and beyond to reassure him that he knows everything now though (6+months later) but the trust is going to take time to earn back.... He doesn't trust me and often talks of giving up on us....
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 He has "ended" it with the ex as far as I know---although he also expressed that he doesn't want to feel suffocated and would like to talk to her and other exes as friends from time to time...something along the lines of both of us should be able to maintain boundaries, even with exes. Which ideally is true.... Which if that were to be translated into plain-English it would translate as = "I don't want to cut all ties with her/them because I am building up a back-up plan and have her on reserve for when our marriage tanks." The issue here is where are those "boundries" that you speak of. Is not putting his penis into her vagina a good enough boundry? Is it ok it they develop closeness, openness, trust, comfort, affection, share feelings and dreams and desires? Is it ok if they start making plans and developing goals and objectives as a couple as long as no penis enters any vagina? It's a matter of degrees and comfort levels here. Are you comfortable and feel secure with them making smoochy-talk in the middle of the night while you are trying to rebuild a marriage? this is just my $.o2 but I think a reasonable boundry for BOTH of you is to focus your energies on each other and on the marriage. I think you are within your right to state that your boundry is for his attentions and efforts to be on you and the marriage and not some ghost from his past. The burdeon that places on YOU however is that if you are asking him to do that, you must do the same and you need to focus your energies on making things right too. You need to make sure his focus has pay-off. If you ask him to focus on you and severe his ties with her and then you drop the ball then what do you think he will do?? She has already taken the bait, she is already on the shelf in reserve. If you drop the ball after asking for full buy-in, he's going to call in the reserves off the bench.
ComingInHot Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 My husband felt the same way about councelors. That is until I pulled up my britches and said go to MC or get out. All of a sudden it became a grand idea... Also, when we first got together then married, ît was equally decided that we would not keep contact w/ex's or have friendships w/the opposite sex. Granted he still cheated BUT now seems to be back on track. Best thing is to figure out what thing/needs are most important to each other then work on meeting those things by each other NOT an outsider. Above all BE HONEST!! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT HONEST!!! I've found that if I feel the need to keep something I'm doing to myself, then there is a very good chance I shouldn't be doing it...
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Which if that were to be translated into plain-English it would translate as = "I don't want to cut all ties with her/them because I am building up a back-up plan and have her on reserve for when our marriage tanks." The issue here is where are those "boundries" that you speak of. Is not putting his penis into her vagina a good enough boundry? Is it ok it they develop closeness, openness, trust, comfort, affection, share feelings and dreams and desires? Is it ok if they start making plans and developing goals and objectives as a couple as long as no penis enters any vagina? It's a matter of degrees and comfort levels here. Are you comfortable and feel secure with them making smoochy-talk in the middle of the night while you are trying to rebuild a marriage? this is just my $.o2 but I think a reasonable boundry for BOTH of you is to focus your energies on each other and on the marriage. I think you are within your right to state that your boundry is for his attentions and efforts to be on you and the marriage and not some ghost from his past. The burdeon that places on YOU however is that if you are asking him to do that, you must do the same and you need to focus your energies on making things right too. You need to make sure his focus has pay-off. If you ask him to focus on you and severe his ties with her and then you drop the ball then what do you think he will do?? She has already taken the bait, she is already on the shelf in reserve. If you drop the ball after asking for full buy-in, he's going to call in the reserves off the bench. The OP's boundary, Husband I will not live in an open marriage anymore and be disrespected like this in my own home so I've packed your bags and put them outside in the garage, please pick them up by Thursday or they will be put out for the garbage collectors'
turnera Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 He has "ended" it with the ex as far as I know---although he also expressed that he doesn't want to feel suffocated and would like to talk to her and other exes as friends from time to time...something along the lines of both of us should be able to maintain boundaries, even with exes. Which ideally is true....Tell him he's welcome to talk to her as long as you get to see the texts. And you will, as you will now be installing a keylogger on the computer and checking phone records. That BOTH of you can check. Now, to the marriage...read His Needs Her Needs together. Very important information. 1
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Now, to the marriage...read His Needs Her Needs together. Very important information. If he is minded to repair the relationship this is a great idea, otherwise you might as well use it for a doorstop!!
BetrayedH Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Buy the book, Not Just Friends, and you both read it. Schedule another MC appt. And you both go. You should require both of these things, period. He is either in this marriage with both feet or you're out. As for your EA and TT, you had best be fully transparent yourself and doing whatever is necessary to rebuild trust. Anytime he wants, he can decide he is done and you can't blame him. You've damaged him and can't complain about how much he bleeds. The onus is on you to be meeting his needs now. Good luck. 1
turnera Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 If he is minded to repair the relationship this is a great idea, otherwise you might as well use it for a doorstop!! Not at all. Even if HE doesn't read it, SHE will learn a great deal from it and can incorporate what she learns. That book singlehandedly opened my eyes to MY contributions to the failure of my marriage and changed our entire dynamics. Best if he reads it too, but even if he doesn't, she can make a big difference.
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