Why do MM/MW stay?

[Never Say Never]

Spurred by Pierre in a previous thread......

 

Many different reasons! I'm sure. My MM's W has supposedly begged3x's for another chance. Needless to say, I (OW) realized I was no different in "waiting", so adios!

 

After leaving a LT M", I know what it feels like to leave the familiar..... But from an emotional health point of view, I could not stay.... First M then A. I realize I was emotionally weak to enter the A..... No lashing, please..... Just curious as to why those that venture..... End up staying........

[Tenacity]

To the OP: I think it varies. There are probably as many compelling reasons (in both directions) as there are individual marriages and A's out there. I do think that overall, a long-term M will win over an A much of the time. Most of it, in my belief, is because an A is not based in 'real life' and the real life situations that need to be dealt with day-in and day-out (year-in and year-out) in a marriage just haven't been an issue, and when push comes to shove, I think the WS realizes this. There are no perfect 'fantasy situations' for anyone.

Edited October 10, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[herenow]

No matter what a BW or OW might say, the truth is, they stay because they want to stay.

Edited October 10, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[wanting more]

But is there a BS who would actually say that they know the WS stayed because of the fear of change? I think there's a lot of factors involved. Time in the M, kids, finances. If you're married a couple years it may be easier to leave. After a long marriage there's a lot of things that come into play. I do believe most stay because they want to, but i also believe some stay because they feel they have to.

[herenow]

But is there a BS who would actually say that they know the WS stayed because of the fear of change? I think there's a lot of factors involved. Time in the M, kids, finances. If you're married a couple years it may be easier to leave. After a long marriage there's a lot of things that come into play. I do believe most stay because they want to, but i also believe some stay because they feel they have to.

 

BS here. If you are asking is it possible that a MM stayed because he feared change? I would have to agree that it's possible. If you are asking is there a BS that accepted knowing her husband was only staying with her because he feared change, I would say you probably won't hear that from most BS.

 

Just imagine a husband telling his wife "I'm staying married to you because I fear change if I leave you". Most women would insist he leave. The only way I see that being acceptable to any woman is if the woman herself had the same fear. In that case, it would be an agreement between the two of them and I see that unlikely in most cases.

[Owl]

But is there a BS who would actually say that they know the WS stayed because of the fear of change? I think there's a lot of factors involved. Time in the M, kids, finances. If you're married a couple years it may be easier to leave. After a long marriage there's a lot of things that come into play. I do believe most stay because they want to, but i also believe some stay because they feel they have to.

 

Actually...I think one of the primary contributing reasons my wife stayed was because I pointed out to her all of the things that WOULD change if she left me for him.

 

She needed that eye opener. Because at the time she had some crazy, crazy fantasies about what life would look like if she left me to be with him.

 

She NEEDED that dose of reality.

 

So...I'LL be the first to admit that my wife stayed for precisely that reason...and don't know that she'd even admit that to herself if she were asked.

 

She stayed because she realized that leaving meant losing me completely, totally, and utterly from her life. She stayed because leaving would NOT have ended up with her, me, and OM being friends in any shape, fashion or form...although that was actually the outcome she was hoping/counting on. She stayed because she began to actually understand what the outcome of her actions would have been...rather than remaining focused on her fantasy of what she pictured that they might have been.

 

I'm good with that. Turns out...so is she.

 

Thought I'd add...if she chose to leave now, today...that reality would be much different. I probably could see being friends with her if she wasn't leaving me for someone else. Our kids are all grown now, so there's no concern about what would need to be done to take care of them.

 

She's absolutely not staying now out of fear of change...so instead, we just recently renewed our vows. Several years after she had to make that choice to stay or go before. Our marriage is happily recovered and going great.

 

So no regrets on my part for sure.

Edited October 8, 2012 by Owl

[wanting more]

Actually...I think one of the primary contributing reasons my wife stayed was because I pointed out to her all of the things that WOULD change if she left me for him.

 

She needed that eye opener. Because at the time she had some crazy, crazy fantasies about what life would look like if she left me to be with him.

 

She NEEDED that dose of reality.

 

So...I'LL be the first to admit that my wife stayed for precisely that reason...and don't know that she'd even admit that to herself if she were asked.

 

She stayed because she realized that leaving meant losing me completely, totally, and utterly from her life. She stayed because leaving would NOT have ended up with her, me, and OM being friends in any shape, fashion or form...although that was actually the outcome she was hoping/counting on. She stayed because she began to actually understand what the outcome of her actions would have been...rather than remaining focused on her fantasy of what she pictured that they might have been.

 

I'm good with that. Turns out...so is she.

 

Thought I'd add...if she chose to leave now, today...that reality would be much different. I probably could see being friends with her if she wasn't leaving me for someone else. Our kids are all grown now, so there's no concern about what would need to be done to take care of them.

 

She's absolutely not staying now out of fear of change...so instead, we just recently renewed our vows. Several years after she had to make that choice to stay or go before. Our marriage is happily recovered and going great.

 

So no regrets on my part for sure.

 

I think it's great there's no regrets on your part. It shows staying out of fear does work for some people. It's a great thing about renewing your vows And this shows obviously no regrets on her part either

[SecretFlower]

Quite simply I stayed because I loved him. I loved him and needed him. I needed to feel like I had a purpose and that somebody understood me. I laughed harder and more often with him and felt something I'd never felt before. I think it's fine to say we stay because of the addiction or dysfunction, but I think there are emotional connections that have just as much pull. I did love my mm.

[Got it]

I think there are many reasons why someone stays, I think "Why Good People Have Affairs" goes over those reasons in great detail. I do think fear is a motivating reason in many circumstances on why someone stays married and why someone gets into an affair.

[thomasb]

I stayed, or rather, begged my wife to forgive me, because I love her. I wanted to feel good about myself again. My wife and family let me stay because they love me also. Pretty basic and easy to answer.

[veryhappy]

At the specific point I find myself, I don't care why he stayed. The reasons used to matter while talking about being together over and over and over again. He had a choice, and he made his choice, although as I know him it's once again that life happened to him, as opposed to him making the choice. He's flipflopped so much that I wouldn't trust anything out of his mouth, not because he doesn't necessarily mean it at the time, but because he can change his mind so rapidly. Right now I could see him trying to sell me the story of him being weak and his W pleading to not leave her and the kids, he's probably selling her how committed he is to the family and that he'll never break her heart again by wanting to get a divorce, and who knows what he's telling his therapist. I don't think he knows for himself yet, and it will take him time to understand what happened. If he ever will.

 

Even if I understood and accepted the whys, that doesn't amout to a life together with him. It's of no use to me, and it wouldn't make me continue feeling that he really, really loved me, and he really, really wanted me. He didn't, and I don't beg people to love me. He wasn't fully in, and that's what matters to me.

Edited October 9, 2012 by cutedragon

[ComingInHot]

Apparently, I'm one of those BS's commenting over here and I would LOVE to know the answer to this question too!

 

He has given me many reasons why he chose to stay, just as he gave me (except only one or two) reasons hy he cheated.

 

Oh, to worm around in his head & soul for a day!! I bet EVERYONE here would be surprised*

 

I wish more men on both sides of the triangle would come here w/their different views...

[TigerCub]

Op,

 

I've been there and I questioned the Whys

- Why isn't he leaving her if he's not really happy-

- Is it because of the kid (later I found out it was kid(s))

- Why can't he just choose

- What is it about her that makes it so he can't just let go?

- Why is he tormenting me when I can't make him leave and I don't want him to leave just for me, but I really do want him to leave

 

The whys will drive and ap crazy, because honestly they will never really know.

 

All they will know is that they are staying in a situation that's causing them so much uncertainty (I've been there so I'm not judging - I just know)

 

On the good days, when they ponder this question, they will convince themselves that the MM stays out of duty and obligation and all that (things that actually in a way just make him that much more of an amazing 'giving' person)

 

and

 

On the bad days, they'll doubt his nobility and they'll doubt what they mean to the MM and the question of why will haunt them more than usual.

 

At least, that was my experience.

To me, I found that the best question was "why the hell am I putting up with this? Isn't enough enough?"

 

I'm really not trying to come off as preachy, each affair is different and some actually do lead to happiness together, but from my experience, the A was just the cause of a lot of heartache, doubt and pain.

 

My advice: stop asking the Whys about his decision and rather ask the whys of that AP's decision to stay.

 

**When I mentioned APs - I don't mean to generalize and to those that are happy and it doesn't apply - it wasn't a knock, but I just wrote based on my experience **

[frozensprouts]

as long as it's only up to them, a married man/woman will end up where they want to be...whether it's with spouse, other man/woman or both.

 

The simple fact is that if they don't stay with their spouse, they didn't love their spouse or being married enough to stay...while they may love their spouse, they love the other man/woman more

 

If they stay with their spouse, they don't love the other man/woman enough to leave they may love the other man/woman, but they love their spouse/being married more

 

If they stay with both...maybe they love both, but not enough to end either relationship- as long as neither 'side' asks for anything different, things may very well stay the same... neither relationship is giving the married person everything they want ( or it is, and they just want more)

[William]

Why do MM/MW stay? Great question. I hope some members who are/were MM/MW's and have experienced that dynamic can add their input. Anything else is just hearsay. Let's keep it topical and relevant to forum. Stage Two.

Edited October 9, 2012 by William
appended 'are/were'

[TurningTables]

I believe it must be proclaimed as new. Considerations. The marriage cannot survive the infection of said affair without renewal.

 

 

Ive only read up until this quote but I do have a story to blow all of your ideas out of the water. My sister in law cheated on my brother for 2 1/2 years. My brother knew about it for 6 months before he gathered evidence and caught her.

 

Guess what? Only 3 days after DDay- they were back to being "normal". No MC or nothing. She was going to leave him for the OM. Then out of no where OM sued my brother and sister in law saying she tried to kill him. She was found Not Guilty after a trial.

 

They are still M but miserable. Their youngest is going to graduate in 3 years. I think its the expiration date on the M.

 

You see, alot of WS stay because of fear, children and a variety of reasons. You cannot possiably answer this question for everyone.

 

 

You will never have the "right" answer. No matter how much you debate it.

[RickFox]

Op,

 

I've been there and I questioned the Whys

- Why isn't he leaving her if he's not really happy-

- Is it because of the kid (later I found out it was kid(s))

- Why can't he just choose

- What is it about her that makes it so he can't just let go?

- Why is he tormenting me when I can't make him leave and I don't want him to leave just for me, but I really do want him to leave

 

The whys will drive and ap crazy, because honestly they will never really know.

 

All they will know is that they are staying in a situation that's causing them so much uncertainty (I've been there so I'm not judging - I just know)

 

On the good days, when they ponder this question, they will convince themselves that the MM stays out of duty and obligation and all that (things that actually in a way just make him that much more of an amazing 'giving' person)

 

and

 

On the bad days, they'll doubt his nobility and they'll doubt what they mean to the MM and the question of why will haunt them more than usual.

 

At least, that was my experience.

To me, I found that the best question was "why the hell am I putting up with this? Isn't enough enough?"

 

I'm really not trying to come off as preachy, each affair is different and some actually do lead to happiness together, but from my experience, the A was just the cause of a lot of heartache, doubt and pain.

 

My advice: stop asking the Whys about his decision and rather ask the whys of that AP's decision to stay.

 

**When I mentioned APs - I don't mean to generalize and to those that are happy and it doesn't apply - it wasn't a knock, but I just wrote based on my experience **

 

 

Been there done that. Drove myself crazy trying to figure out why, why xMW suddenly "reconnected" with her H shortly after dday. Why she shut me out with no explanation, why she called me a stalker and yet I found her 'stalking' my fb page on a regular basis despite us not being fb friends. And it went so on and on and on.

 

On the good days, it matters not, I don't question it, but on the bad days, the anger sets, in, at her, at me, and the questions begin with no end in sight and no real answers and so I find that the one answer I can give myself is that I did not matter to her as much as she said I did, maybe at the time I was important but when it came down to it, she was far more important and so was protecting the marriage that she chose to betray. The final answer as to why she stayed is that it can't matter anymore, because all I do is drive myself batty. Then again, knowing all that, and her telling me to leave her alone and then trying to contact me again just adds to the confusion/anger.

[TigerCub]

Been there done that. Drove myself crazy trying to figure out why, why xMW suddenly "reconnected" with her H shortly after dday. Why she shut me out with no explanation, why she called me a stalker and yet I found her 'stalking' my fb page on a regular basis despite us not being fb friends. And it went so on and on and on.

 

On the good days, it matters not, I don't question it, but on the bad days, the anger sets, in, at her, at me, and the questions begin with no end in sight and no real answers and so I find that the one answer I can give myself is that I did not matter to her as much as she said I did, maybe at the time I was important but when it came down to it, she was far more important and so was protecting the marriage that she chose to betray. The final answer as to why she stayed is that it can't matter anymore, because all I do is drive myself batty. Then again, knowing all that, and her telling me to leave her alone and then trying to contact me again just adds to the confusion/anger.

 

It sounds like you're speaking of the present.

I had no idea that you still have those questions and the pain.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

You are absolutely right about the questions just driving you insane.

 

Also, I for sure remember the anger and the frustration at the questions of 'WHY'.

 

There's a song called "Shouldn't have to wait" by Ryan Leslie.

I used to listen to it and I remember that song in particular made me sad about the 'why's of everything revolving around xMM (when I was in that situation and a bit after it ended).

 

To this day I know that I don't have the answers and I don't know if he truly loved me (I convinced myself that he didn't when I wanted to walk away because it was easier to believe that and have that belief give me the resolve I needed to walk away), or why he stayed or if he really ended it like he tried to tell me later..

 

I hope you will get to a place where the anger and frustration goe away and the wondering of the whys truly doesn't matter.

[RickFox]

It sounds like you're speaking of the present.

I had no idea that you still have those questions and the pain.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

You are absolutely right about the questions just driving you insane.

 

Also, I for sure remember the anger and the frustration at the questions of 'WHY'.

 

There's a song called "Shouldn't have to wait" by Ryan Leslie.

I used to listen to it and I remember that song in particular made me sad about the 'why's of everything revolving around xMM (when I was in that situation and a bit after it ended).

 

To this day I know that I don't have the answers and I don't know if he truly loved me (I convinced myself that he didn't when I wanted to walk away because it was easier to believe that and have that belief give me the resolve I needed to walk away), or why he stayed or if he really ended it like he tried to tell me later..

 

I hope you will get to a place where the anger and frustration goe away and the wondering of the whys truly doesn't matter.

 

The questioning comes and goes, the anger is still there, but the answer I come up with for all of it, is it can no longer matter...just takes me a while to get there when it all comes up, it seems as though the roller coaster is cyclical.

[sleepie]

First and foremost, as an xMOW, I stayed because I truly and deeply loved my BS. I wanted my H, and I didn't want to continue the lies and the hurt and the deceit. I wanted my M.

 

I also stayed because we had kids, and divorce would devastate them emotionally. They love their dad, and deserve to have him around all the time, not part-time.

 

I also stayed because of fear. Starting over again would have been wretched at my age.

 

I also stayed because of extended family obligations. We have strong family ties. It would have devastated them all.

 

I also stayed because I knew I would never fully trust my xMOM, and deep down I also knew he wouldn't ever make me happy.

 

I stayed for a lot of reasons. Some selfish, some selfless. Some logical, some not.

 

MM/MW stay for a lot of different reasons. But the reasons don't really matter. In the end, it's the choice they made. And if it's the choice they made, then it's the choice they wanted. That's the only important thing to know.

[Got it]

First and foremost, as an xMOW, I stayed because I truly and deeply loved my BS. I wanted my H, and I didn't want to continue the lies and the hurt and the deceit. I wanted my M.

 

I also stayed because we had kids, and divorce would devastate them emotionally. They love their dad, and deserve to have him around all the time, not part-time.

 

I also stayed because of fear. Starting over again would have been wretched at my age.

 

I also stayed because of extended family obligations. We have strong family ties. It would have devastated them all.

 

I also stayed because I knew I would never fully trust my xMOM, and deep down I also knew he wouldn't ever make me happy.

 

I stayed for a lot of reasons. Some selfish, some selfless. Some logical, some not.

 

MM/MW stay for a lot of different reasons. But the reasons don't really matter. In the end, it's the choice they made. And if it's the choice they made, then it's the choice they wanted. That's the only important thing to know.

 

With all due respect, because I am curious about your answer (so you don't have to answer if you'd rather not) but what of your reasons that you stayed are truly selfless?

 

And if those are all the reasons why you stayed, why did you stray?

 

I strayed because of the opposite of why you stayed and I did not stay for those same reasons. In my eyes, when I had felt that above, when I deeply loved my husband, I didn't think of straying. So just wondering how we both got to the same point but then continued on different paths.

[sleepie]

With all due respect, because I am curious about your answer (so you don't have to answer if you'd rather not) but what of your reasons that you stayed are truly selfless?

 

And if those are all the reasons why you stayed, why did you stray?

 

I strayed because of the opposite of why you stayed and I did not stay for those same reasons. In my eyes, when I had felt that above, when I deeply loved my husband, I didn't think of straying. So just wondering how we both got to the same point but then continued on different paths.

 

The selfless reasons I stayed were because I didn't want to hurt my H, my kids, or my extended family.

 

Why did I stray? Because I was being extremely selfish at that time. Because I wanted the external validation, because I enjoyed the ego stroking, because I wanted some excitement in what I perceived as a boring life. I didn't end the EA as soon as I should have because I did develop feelings for xMOM, but they were never the same or as deep as I had for my H.

 

But strayed because I was selfish. But I stayed for selfish reasons, too (I valued my M and wanted it. I loved my H and wanted him.). I suppose, like most cheaters, that I am just selfish all around.