Helluva Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Last month I found out that I was five weeks pregnant. I'm officially at 9 weeks now. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and it's been a wonderful relationship as a whole. There's been ups and downs of course but nothing to ultimately ruin our relationship. Even when he moved away two months ago to a city two hours away, we still worked on our relationship. It's been really hard since though and has put a strain on it, but we never doubt our love and we've been able to make it work with semi-weekly visits, phone calls, and texting. Since finding out that I was pregnant though, our relationship has gone through a lot already. I'm 100% against abortion and he's pro choice and that alone has caused some issues since he has mentioned it a few times. But, what's causing the biggest issues is him wanting to put the child up for adoption - and I don't. I'm 22 and he's 24, and I know it's going to be hell but I want to try to be a family. My boyfriend doesn't though. He's more realistic than I am and he believes that putting it up for adoption is what's best for our unborn child. He thinks this due to financial reasons and due to not knowing if our relationship is strong enough to handle this. To make things even more drama-filled, today we were talking on the phone and he admitted that he can't do both - be a boyfriend and a father. That he feels like he'll screw up on one or the other. So, now he's thinking that breaking up and trying to go through the pregnancy and raise the child is the best choice for us to make - for us and for being parents. I told him how hurt I felt that he'd rather not feel tied to me and not try to work on our love life just so we can have a child. I feel like he's telling me "It's me, or the baby" even though he's trying to reassure me that that's not the point of him saying that. We didn't break up - but it looks like we're heading that way quick. I really don't know what to do. I'm absolutely freaking out. I thought I could depend on this guy to be there for me if this happened (He's told me in the past that if I ever got pregnant, we'd go through it together), but now...I don't know what to think. I can't do this on my own. I can't pay for the doctor visits by myself, and I can't afford to have this baby without him.
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Vast numbers of clinic programs exist to provide care at no or low cost. Your other issues are not financial but I'd comment that at week 9 into an unplanned pregnancy, peak of the freak out. Give the guy time to wrap his mind around what your decisions will be. As we all know, men get to make no decisions regarding pregnancy unless granted standing by the mother.
SmileFace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 The relationship is pretty much over. He may come around but he already voiced his opinion on abortion and a adoption. All he has to do is be there for the kid - which it seems like he would however it is obvious he isn't ready for the child. I hope you have family and friend support since you will need it. But be real - if you can't afford doctor appointments how do you think you will afford a child. Anyway good luck on your decision in this situation. Be true to yourself. 4
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I feel like this is something that probably should have been better thought out... for this exact reason BUT since you didn't I guess you can either pick baby or man, I personally would rather be in a relationship that will last and have a baby within that than to be left. 1
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Will you be able to raise the baby on your own? Do you have family near by that can watch the baby when you work? He is two hours away so you can't even expect him to share that responsibility with you. What are your options? 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 coat hanger time Horrible. Typical post of some smarmy 19yr old douche-bag. Get a life dude. He is giving you ultimatums that will force you into a choice. if you don't believe in Abortion then you have to accept the possible path of being a solo mother if you continue with the pregnancy. To be a family means that he has to want that also. This is early days as far as him making a decision. You don't have much time to make a decision though... You cannot force him to be your boyfriend or a good father. If you don't believe in abortion then you have to come to terms with being a solo mum or consider adoption. You need space from him to consider what YOU want. You need to pretend he won't be in the picture and make the right decision for you. And for the record... if you don't believe in abortion but you do believe in sex, then you should REALLY REALLY believe in contraception. 14
orionboxing Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 This thread could get very ugly. My advice to you now is to prepare for a life without this guy in the picture. It will be an added bonus if he is and is able to provide for you.
missgangrene Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) If you decide to keep the kid, I would recommend looking at everything you'll need to do to successfully be a single-parent. As someone else mentioned, there are resources available for uninsured and/or low-income pregnant women. I also wouldn't be so dependent on him, at least not until he proves he's not going to flake on you. Don't let the fear of losing him cause you to make a life-changing decision that you don't want to do. Edited October 8, 2012 by missgangrene Incomplete sentence. 2
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Even when he moved away two months ago to a city two hours away You've not shared whether this man is a recent grad, embarking on his entry level career job? Assumption is that you are still in your education process?
CptSaveAho Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think people are missing the bigger picture.... and reading too much into the words. The relationship is/was toast when he moved away. I remember when i tried a ltr when i was 20-22. Looking back it sucked and was a waste of time. The best years of my life were after that relationship (not for this poor guy now). This pregnancy just happened to happen after that point too. Call me devils advocate but people do crazy things when they sense emotional distance and stuff "accidently" happens. My last roommate had this scenario happen to him. He wanted to go away for 3 months to bike across the country.... BOOM shes pregnant and a few months later theyre married. HAPPENS all the time. For people that dont believe this theory...look at the time frame, moved away 2 months ago.... 9 weeks pregnant. Entrapment = love For OP, from a guys point of view, the relationship was on its last leg before the baby happened. This is the catalyst to actually end it. Keeping the baby or going to an abortion will yield the same results in the long term state. 3
Balzac Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I accept your theory but exactly how does the man "fall" into the scenario? That is my primary question? It takes two.
TG1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 If I were you, I would keep the child and completely cut him out of his child's life until he can get his s*** together and he can finally man up and take care of his responsibilities that being you and his baby but until then, if he is not going to do that, leave his ass, you can find better and certainly be with someone who will love you and your baby and accept you guys both as a package deal
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Wouldn't you receive government assistance if you had the baby? Can family help you take care of it? Honestly, I'd choose a baby over a relationship any day. This guy seems like a flake, and I doubt he would stay for longer no matter what. Even if he did, you'd resent him for making you choose. It's a no-brainer to me: unconditional love for a baby and lifetime companionship vs. a jerk who cannot take responsibility for his actions. 3
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Wouldn't you receive government assistance if you had the baby? Can family help you take care of it? Honestly, I'd choose a baby over a relationship any day. This guy seems like a flake, and I doubt he would stay for longer no matter what. Even if he did, you'd resent him for making you choose. It's a no-brainer to me: unconditional love for a baby and lifetime companionship vs. a jerk who cannot take responsibility for his actions. A baby is not a "companion". A baby is work and worry and responsibility and NOT your companion at all, at least until they become independent which is a lot of years. 7
TG1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Wouldn't you receive government assistance if you had the baby? Can family help you take care of it? Honestly, I'd choose a baby over a relationship any day. This guy seems like a flake, and I doubt he would stay for longer no matter what. Even if he did, you'd resent him for making you choose. It's a no-brainer to me: unconditional love for a baby and lifetime companionship vs. a jerk who cannot take responsibility for his actions. Amen, can I get an amen
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 A baby is not a "companion". A baby is work and worry and responsibility and NOT your companion at all, at least until they become independent which is a lot of years. A baby is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility. A baby is also a companion; tell any single mother that it's not her and her baby against the world and see what kind of response you get. 1
SmileFace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 A baby is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility. A baby is also a companion; tell any single mother that it's not her and her baby against the world and see what kind of response you get. If you want companionship - get a dog. If you can't afford that - since for some reason we don't get government assistance for that, get a fish. No one should have a child with the intention of receiving government assistance ffs. 11
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 If you want companionship - get a dog. If you can't afford that - since for some reason we don't get government assistance for that, get a fish. No one should have a child with the intention of receiving government assistance ffs. There is a difference between having a baby with the intention of receiving government assistance and WANTING to keep the baby but being unable to do so without the expectations of government assistance. 1
SmileFace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 There is a difference between having a baby with the intention of receiving government assistance and WANTING to keep the baby but being unable to do so without the expectations of government assistance. True... I wasn't commenting on the situation - more in general.
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 A baby is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility. A baby is also a companion; tell any single mother that it's not her and her baby against the world and see what kind of response you get. I'm a single mother. It's not us against the world. It's me doing for them in this world. They're my children. I take care of them. The end. 4
xdahliax Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'm a single mother. It's not us against the world. It's me doing for them in this world. They're my children. I take care of them. The end. I won't argue with this. When they grow up and visit you and you have nothing left to offer because they don't need you to take care of them, tell them that you'll pass up on the companionship.
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I won't argue with this. When they grow up and visit you and you have nothing left to offer because they don't need you to take care of them, tell them that you'll pass up on the companionship. Once they're through school and settled I'm heading to tropical climates and will live in a condo. At least that's the plan. 1
kae Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 i had an abortion. i was like your boyfriend ..pro choice, pratical and scared ****. whatever you do .. i think babies are angles sent from God. I regret not keeping my baby .. a lot.. But my ex ended up cheating on me with my bestfriend so.. its hard to tell if it was a bad choice .. but now im pretty suicidle ..no matter what my ex did..my baby would have brought joy to me, im sure of it.. now.. you want the baby. you keep your baby.. family or no family... Sometimes it takes actually seeing the baby to really affect the guy.. sometimes not..so be prepared. But sometimes yes.. Dont worry about it. Just be brave. show him your confidence .. it might insipre him. sometimes us women need to be stronger.. love conquers all.. be dedicated..show him..lead the way.. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 You guys are young...you're still in the phase where you believe most of what men say and that your love is the true love. He's still in the "I'm going to tell her what she wants to hear because it sounds good/romantic...hoping that I won't actually have to live up to what I said"...and he doesn't want the baby nor the responsibility yet..now he's going to feel trapped. This was something you should have both been on the same page about, especially him being pro-choice and you not being so. Now he has to wager his whole life on the balance of young love, and you have to be heart-broken over the fact that this guy isn't going to be with you because you got pregnant. Unfortunately regardless of what you do he is not going to stick around in the long run, I'd be extremely surprised IF this guy commits to something like marriage all of a sudden because of family pressure, but It's happened plenty of times, it really depends on the kind of family you come from. Either way he's obligated at this point, he doesn't have much of a choice. You can still choose to have the child obviously but this will take some time for him to sink in...once both of your parents find out I'm sure there's a lot of drama that will ensue rather quickly. That's your next step however, inform the your family and his family about the baby (you guys are too young to be responsible about this IMO) and make sure you get the medical care you need, someone older and wiser should be able to help you get that all together. In time this will sink in for him but right now he's going to freak out, he'll If I was him I'd be getting zero sleep. I know you want this big grand magical family but unfortunately young love is at best unpredictable, there's a lot of changes and growing up you'll both have to do, the future will surprise you and it won't be everything you wanted it to be....unfortunately now If your option is to have this baby, that's more important than the relationship, you've got to get yourself in order and take care of you first because now that's going to be your life, not him. 3
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