Not going to contact him

[Ladydrib]

But I really wish I knew what he was thinking now. It's been 2 weeks NC. Only one other time have we not spoken this long in three years. He said he'd leave. I shook it up because I wanted to test to see if it was true. The shake up created distance but he still was involved and interested in me. I ended it quietly by just disappearing. He tried a few times to get me to respond, but I ignored. It's very clear to him I want all or nothing. So given all this, what is going on? Is it over? Is he sorting thoughts out and whether it's over or not is tbd? Is he laying dormant until he gets lonely again? I'm so confused. Thankfully I'm strong and away from the toxicity. I only spend about 5% of my time thinking about him. I'm keeping busy and am plenty happy. But I still don't have a love relationship, and I miss that. I just don't know what to think, but wish I could get in his mind right now. Honestly I think he feels stuck. He knows it's all or nothing with me. He's trying out "nothing" to see if he can be happy with that. And time will tell if he can or cannot go on that way.

 

Any thoughts? It's so hard. I can see it's going to take me a very long time to stop loving him (assuming we do not end up together). If we end up together, I know I'd love this man for the rest of our lives.

[Ladydrib]

It's killing me that he hasn't contacted me again. Even though I ignored his attempts at contact, he knows I care and still have feelings for him, so if he really loves me and wants to be with me, shouldn't he keep trying to contact me? Maybe he needs time to think it through and to feel what life is without me? How much time is a reasonable amount of time to not consider it over? If I don't hear back from him for two months? Or one month? I want to be reasonable and patient. But patient is something I'm not.

[veryhappy]

He's probably thinking other stuff than what you'd want him to be thinking. In my case, he's thinking he would consider being there for me in an A in likely a much more limited capacity than before.

 

If he was moving towards being with you, you'd hear about it. I hope for you that his silence means that he respects you more than my insulting exMM is respecting me.

[Ladydrib]

You gave him an ultimatum. He fished, you ignored.

 

You want to get in his mind? There's no need.

 

If he's like most of them, he will wait until it dies down a little more and come fishing again. If he gets lucky, he will get you to restart the affair. If not, he will search for a less demanding OW.

 

Does fishing mean saying something just to get his way?

 

He's not going to get lucky . If a good other woman is not demanding, boy did he target the wrong person. Yep, he can go find someone else. It's pathetic that if he's that unhappy that he just strays rather than fixing it or leaving. And you know what? He'll never find another woman like me. I happen to be the type of person who sees someone through their personality and can tune out the superficial charastics if the personality is good. He's got some terrible charaistics, speaking superficially. And if he's the type that can let this happen in his marriage, not fix it or leave it, and then look for someone else, apparently he doesn't have as much in the personality department either other than the talent for trickery. Back to the superficial description. He's much older than I am and to put it in my friend's words "he is disgusting and looks like a fat, slimey, old man.". I'd like to see the next OW he catches if that's the case, and ask him how he's enjoying it. I saw good where there was none (assuming he goes on as he had been).

[Ladydrib]

If the situation was the other way around, that he disappeared and then ignored your attempts of contact, what would you be thinking, what would you do?

 

That's a good question. If the positions were flipped and he left because I "made up my mind" but was not taking enough action, and I really loved him and intended to be with him, I would encourage him to talk to me, so that we could come to an understanding and continue to work towards being together. Perhaps there is the answer - he's not doing that, so he either hasn't got a clue what he wants or he was trying to bs me and it's not working. So what else can he do but accept it?

[Ladydrib]

Maybe he's laying dormant until YOU get lonely again.

 

You know him better than any of us on this forum, but a few ideas come into my mind as to his thinking (again, not knowing him)

 

He's moved on to another less demanding OW.

He's back playing the happily married man.

He know's it's "all or nothing" with you and he's made his choice. Nothing.

 

Sorry you're hurting, but staying busy is very constructive. Hope you find the man who can give you all the things you want and are worth.

 

Thanks.

 

Oh God, scary thought. I hope no matter how lonely I am I never become such a weakling again, to the point I accept something I find totally unacceptable. That's a terrible place to be. It's like eating maggots if you are starving to death and that's the only source of food for survival. I pray I never find myself in that place again.

[whichwayisup]

If the situation was the other way around, that he disappeared and then ignored your attempts of contact, what would you be thinking, what would you do?

 

This is a good thing to think about LD.

 

The thing is, you ended it and he's made contact with you, you ignored. Now you want him to chase you, but you're not sure if you want him either way.

 

Ask yourself how much of this is habit and ego? Or is your heart truly breaking, like the love of your life is killing you inside.

 

To me it just seems a bit of a cat and mouse chase here.. Now that he hasn't contacted you, you're wondering (too much btw) what is going on with him and the why's how's of this and that.

 

Why was NC put in place to begin with? Why did you end the A?

What is the point of him contacting you 'just to check in and say hi' when it isn't going anywhere?

 

You don't have to answer these questions, though do think about your true reasons why you're feeling this way.

[veryhappy]

I feel the same way about my exMM finding someone like me, but the thing is he may not care about the quality of the OW, he might win ther lottery twice, or he could just be interested in sex and not a full emotional thing, so it jisthas to pass minimum physical requirements.

 

In my case, he's quite shy and I don't see him approaching someone for an A, but he will likely take any opportunity thrown his way. He might even feel confident now that he had me, and try to start something and I hope he gets rejected. Sometimes men think a woman is hitting on them when she's not, just because they must be so awesome.

 

The only way you'll keep any value in his eyes is to stay NC. If you fail, get back to it as soon as you can and no mushy or physical stuff in between. He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.

[Ladydrib]

This is a good thing to think about LD.

 

The thing is, you ended it and he's made contact with you, you ignored. Now you want him to chase you, but you're not sure if you want him either way.

 

Ask yourself how much of this is habit and ego? Or is your heart truly breaking, like the love of your life is killing you inside.

 

To me it just seems a bit of a cat and mouse chase here.. Now that he hasn't contacted you, you're wondering (too much btw) what is going on with him and the why's how's of this and that.

 

Why was NC put in place to begin with? Why did you end the A?

What is the point of him contacting you 'just to check in and say hi' when it isn't going anywhere?

 

You don't have to answer these questions, though do think about your true reasons why you're feeling this way.

 

I certainly do not want him to check in and/or say hi. I made that clear to him. I told him I want more than an affair. He said he did too. I didn't see it so I walked away.

 

This is definitely not about being validated or winning. I don't feel inadequate if he doesn't come back. This is simply that I did in fact fall in love with him but an affair is not acceptable to me, nor is it what I want. If he and I cannot be together, honestly then I have to let him go. That's where the pain comes in. Letting go of someone you truly and genuinely enjoy being with. That is painful. This has nothing to do with insecurities or validation.

 

And when I wonder what he's thinking or why he hasn't contacted, it's because he told me he wanted the same things. So it left the door open. I find myself wondering if he's working things out and then will come back when he has something much deeper to say and DO other than "hi, you sure you don't want to continue an affair?" I told him, I don't want any contact if that's all it is. He knows it is all or nothing.

 

 

Maybe he will come back. I tend to believe he will. But then again, I also believe in fixing what is broken (leaving a marriage or making it a good one). Someone who is content in an affair does not believe in fixing what is broken, I think they prefer to sweep dirt under the rug and find contentment with that. He may be one of those people. He said he wasn't. Time will tell. What I don't know is how much time is reasonable. I'd suspect if he's not following through with his words within 2 months, it's time for me to not even look back. Close my mind on it for good.

[Ladydrib]

 

Why was NC put in place to begin with? Why did you end the A?

What is the point of him contacting you 'just to check in and say hi' when it isn't going anywhere?.

 

Put NC into place because while we both said we were going to leave, only I was taking action. That is why I ended it. I don't want an affair never looked for it. But once things shifted that way I was determined for us both to make a decision on our apparently failed marriages. Fix them or leave. He agreed that an affair was not a solution but continued to float on that way, whereas I wanted out.

[Ladydrib]

I think I might sound foolish. It's probably best I just accept that he really is gone and while he dreamed about being together, it's just not something that is realistic. The loss is hard. I did enjoy his company and friendship more than anyone else I have been close to in my life. And he and I cannot stay friends. Even if it were possible to ballance as friends, that would be inappropriate if either of us is still married. I have to look at it as a death. The possibility of being together is over and it was never realistic to begin with. Some of us just never find that love with someone. Something else I must accept.

[Ladydrib]

There was a post recently in this forum that triggered all these emotions from me. Something I've not discussed and cannot discuss.

 

Back to healing and moving forward now.

[Mount]

Be strong, ladydrib, you HAVE GONE this far....so continue doing what you are doing, it is all good..

 

Not like me, hard or painful to cut him off at this point :confused:

[Ladydrib]

Be strong, ladydrib, you HAVE GONE this far....so continue doing what you are doing, it is all good..

 

Not like me, hard or painful to cut him off at this point :confused:

 

Thank you.

[Mount]

Seriously, you need to be amazed by yourself, you have GONE this far. Good Job.

 

Thank you.