He won't commit..

[courtnee]

Hey. I'm a longtime lurker, but finally have an actual situation I need help with so hopefully I can get some male POV here to see what I should do.

 

I have worked with this guy for the past 3 years and we have always had an attraction to each other. I had boyfriends here and there and he was in a LDR for all of that time so we never said anything we just both knew we were attracted. In May we went to a work gathering where we ended up telling each other our feelings and a small kiss happened which was SO bad on both of our parts because he still had the GF. So we kept texting constantly and he eventually broke up with her in July and we resumed what we started. We don't live far from each other, about 30 minutes and see each other a few times per week at work. He comes over once a week, sometimes twice but sometimes less depending on what he has going on. When we go out we have a great time, when we stay in it's awesome as well. We have a connection, great sex, and told each other we loved each other last week. I would prefer to see him more and he's aware of this but says he has to stay on a schedule so he can only do what we have been doing for now.

 

So not seeing him often has been an issue for me already and something we've argued about. He also won't commit to a relationship with me. He says he loves me and that I have no clue how much he does love and care for me. He says he sees a real future with me that includes marriage, kids, vacations, everything. He said he knows this is all going to happen, he just wants it to develop naturally instead of forcing anything.

 

I feel like we have been dating for months now and there's no commitment. It didn't start out exactly how either of us would have liked but he says he stayed way too long in a relationship that had been dead for a long time (and this was a topic at work long before we ever confessed our feelings). I know it was a bad thing, but it happened so whatever. It was a 5 year relationship FYI.

 

So I know that it's SO soon after just ending that long relationship but with the things he says to me I feel like that stuff shouldn't matter. He puts everything before me; including his friends and family. Family I totally get...that's your family. But friends? He doesn't introduce me to most of them either. I've met his very best friend but the rest live out of town and everytime he goes to see them there's no mention of taking me with him nor does he have any intention of meeting my family anytime soon.

 

So with such an amazing connection...would it be dumb to walk away? Bottom line is I'm unhappy constantly because I get my hopes up on seeing him and him putting me first and it never happens. I wanted him to come see me today after being out of town and he said he would try and of course, I get a text saying "hey Im back. I love you". He had hours to come see me but had laundry/workout/etc. to do instead. I love him but I am a relationship girl, I don't do this slow stuff. He says he always rushes and wants this to be perfect so he's taking it slow. I have never done "slow" before, so maybe I'm in the wrong for always rushing things. Help?

[courtnee]

Three really since he broke up with her in the beginning of July. We kinda started right after they broke up. I didn't want to do that while they were still together and he felt guilty about it as well. So we waited and he hasn't looked back really.

[Mallow]

If he is willing to cheat on his girlfriend, he will cheat on you as well.

 

Had he cared as much as he indicates, he'd have no issues being committed. Instead, he is giving you the run-around.

 

He isn't willing to commit, and chances are never will. The question is, will you put up with this treatment?

 

You accept what you believe you deserve.

[kaylan]

^What she said. Dont think hes going to act different with you than he did with the gf. Youd be running the same risk of being cheated on.

 

Have some self respect and find better.

[cerridwen]

I have to agree with what everyone else posted, OP.

I'd recommed googling "commitment phobic men" and see what resonates with you.

You'll likely recognize a lot of the signs.

[courtnee]

Thanks you guys. I really just needed some perspective. This has been a fairly private affair since we don't want a lot of people at work knowing and since our families don't know either of us either. Our friends that we want to know do, but since they are mutual I get a very vague response from them because they don't want to offend either of us.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Anyone that just gets out of a relationship recently basically makes you the rebound.

 

The reason being is that coming out of a long-term relationship, especially something more than a few years leaves you quite emotionally conflicted. It takes time to sort through those emotions, it doesn't matter what the state of the relationship is, it's kind of like how when someone dies I'd imagine...you don't really know the impact until It happens.

 

Therefore he's a bit emotionally off-limits to a certain degree, anything he's feeling with you has been a reaction off his prior relationship, meaning If he felt like he wasn't loved or in love and then been dying to do this thing with you because of that kiss and all that then he's eager and going to blow up way out of proportion that experience than IF he was just single at the time.

 

The good part is you have chemistry and you have a strong connection...but that's not enough alone to make this work out, If you keep using that as a crutch then everything else will pass you by. Believe it or not, you can have pretty strong/amazing connections with more than one person and believe it or not It's more common with those people who kind of in desperation for it, like they yearn it so much they make sure they subconsciously materialize that experience even something much more profound or defining as part of the relationship.

 

What I'm saying is just because you have this connection doesn't make being with this guy a good idea. It doesn't mean it'll last either. He's a pretty vulnerable state, and I get the sense this guy is a liar, he's just offering too much lip service at this point, and he's not being responsible or taking his emotions seriously...however neither are you IF you just move fast into everything...you go in blind then try to work out the kinks later, how's that for a pattern?

 

What also happens is all those emotions come in for his ex at some point, flooding in. Right now he's distracting himself from you and he knows better enough than to jump into a relationship with you because he knows there some issues and conflicts there. This pushes him in the direction of getting back with his ex, because he may miss some of the things it was like being with her...so I'd expect a lot of cross comparisons with you and her, so this is like back to back relationships really...he's just using no commitment as a buffer. He's also keeping you out of his life for now so that his friends and family won't take you into account as apart of his life, this helps him detach you from his personal life just in case he needs some wiggle room.

 

I don't believe the guy, because what he's saying isn't matching his actions and behavior...so there's an inconsistency there and I'm fairly certain he's just caught up in the moment and experience at the moment..but It seems like both of you kind of enable each other right now...In the end I don't think you'll quite help each other much, but we'll see If turns a corner by getting into a relationship with you...right now I think he's just riding the high...IF I were I'd back out of this FWB situation and let him collect himself before wasting what true potential you do have for a possible future, right now I jsut think being together may destroy any future outcome or long-term scenario.

 

It is also true that many women feel or think they are the exceptions but are really not...what this did to his ex he would surely do to you.

 

But that's just my opinion.

[courtnee]

Thank you so much.

 

Today I got it out of him that he is still in touch with her often. Haven't talked to him since and he's begging me to by texting all this bull****...one of them said he absolutely wants a relationship with me. *******.

 

I always get played!