ItTakesSeconds Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I’m new here, so hello everyone! I'll get straight to the point. Around 9-10 months ago my relationship of two years ended. It was a relationship that began like any other: we met through a mutual friend at university, and quickly fell in love. We had our ups and downs, some of which challenged our commitment to one another to its very core, but we persevered, as we both felt there was something truly worth holding on to. One of these challenges was that she was not long for university, as she was an Erasmus student. Before I knew it, several happy months had past us by, and she was set to leave for France – her time as a student in our country had come to an end. We discussed the prospect of a long-distance relationship, albeit naively. Neither of us had been in one before, and had no idea what to expect. Naturally, we knew it was going to be difficult – little did we know just how difficult – yet this didn’t really matter – we had fallen in love, and that trumped any geographical distance that would fall between us. In any case, she left for France. I sometimes think, retrospectively, that I knew deep down that was the true end of our relationship. I won’t go through every detail leading up to the break-up, but suffice it to say that the relationship was quite an experience for me. For nearly two years, I would travel to Paris to be with her. These times together were some of the best times I have ever had. This was all new to me, a truly amazing experience. However, she was not an easy person to love – she was difficult to the point of infuriating. She had an immature streak, and was often quite selfish – in retrospect, I use these characteristics as a means of building up my resolve when I start to long for her, but at the time, I thought them just oddities to be indulged . However, I loved her, and she loved me. I had never felt love before; I have known of it, but I have never understood what it was to be really loved by someone, until her. She would have this look about her sometimes, in our moments together, and she would say that she loved me more than anything, that if she lost me she’d not know what to do with herself. I was no different, and I made sure that she was aware of this. I really did love her. These moments filled me with a joy I had never experienced before, and they reinforced my resolve to work through the distance that would always come between us. For many months this was how our relationship worked. I would arrange to visit her, and we would spend a few weeks together, exploring the cities and each other. Over time, it became harder for me to arrange to see her. I was in my final year of university, she was studying non-stop for her law degree, which required a terrific amount of time on her part. I found it difficult to deal with the time apart, whereas she had plenty to keep her occupied. This often caused difficulties, as I’d would often become depressed over our lack of communication. One day, I had become quite tired of feeling alone, despite being in a relationship with someone who loved me, that I asked (over Facebook, our usual means of communication) if we should just be friends. I didn’t mean it – I just said it because I was feeling raw; it had been months since I had been with her, and days since we had spoken. I needed something more, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. In any case, after I had said those words, I couldn’t take them back. The conversation that stemmed from that phrase was difficult. She admitted that it had been on her mind too, that perhaps this relationship was not quite worth it any more. That it had ‘no future’. I was hurt by this, but deep down I knew it was true. She wanted to discuss it further, when she got back from class, but I was feeling too broken, too conflicted so I asked her if there any point in discussing it further? She agreed that there wasn’t, and that was it. She went offline, and I never spoke to her again, save for a message later that night, which coldly stated that she no longer wished to be my friend and wanted no further contact with me. I was hurting, but I was also overcome with this relief – no more painfully anxious days of waiting and wondering, no more disappointment, or painful goodbyes. The following few weeks were surprisingly uneventful, but I was never really temped to reach out to her. I figured there was little point. What would it achieve? It wouldn’t change the fundamental problem. So I focused on my degree, and worked towards graduating. To this day I am amazed I graduated, but I did. Months past, and I was doing well. In hindsight, I am amazed at my will-power: I never tried to contact her, and she never tried to contact me. However, things started to change. As my life started to slow down, I found myself dwelling on the past, and more than anything, dwelling on how it was left between us. For two years we loved each other, and we shared many amazing things. But for it to end so coldly, and suddenly? It started to bother me more than I can ever convey in words. I soon began to miss her – her smile, her skin, her voice. I suddenly didn’t care about the distance; I didn’t care about the pain I went through whilst we were apart. I wanted her back. I sent her messages, in which I poured out my heart, telling her how much I missed her. I did this a few times, unfortunately some while drunk, but to no avail. No matter what I said, she never replied. It was too late, she had her resolve, or perhaps she had simply moved on. She could also be very cold and stubborn. Eventually, I gave up trying. I was shattered, and lost - I missed my first love. Since then, I’ve tried to move on, focusing on building a life, and meeting new people, but I have had little success on both accounts. I now find myself missing her almost daily, wanting her back in my life, despite feeling, and knowing, that if that was ever to happen it would simply be a return to the same future-less arrangement. My mind alternates between vivid irrationality, to a painful rationality. Present day, and my life has slowed down quite drastically. Finding a job has been difficult, meeting someone new has always been a challenge for me – I still see her smile. My life is stagnant and fuels my loneliness, which in turn conjures up the only really happy time in my life: with her. It’s been 10 months since we last spoke, and here I am now, melancholy, lonely and teary eyed because I found an old Skype conversation in which she told me she loved me more than anything, that I was beautiful and that she was crazy about me. Just words, I know – if our breakup has taught me anything, it’s that they don’t last. I know I’ll never get her back, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t make much of a difference. In any case, she has probably met someone else (in my darkest hours this is often a painful certainty) and I am now just someone that she once loved. If you’ve made it this far, I am truly thankful to you for caring and giving me the time of day. I wrote the above to get my thoughts in order, but also as a means of allowing other people to offer their wisdom gained through their experiences, so that I might better learn to deal with all these emotions that have been causing me great pain lately.
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I read your entire post and am very sorry you are feeling this way. You have all of your answers in your post. Why are you feeling this way? "my life has slowed down quite drastically. Finding a job has been difficult, meeting someone new has always been a challenge for me" "My life is stagnant and fuels my loneliness" This is why you feel the way you do. At the moment your life progression has slowed down/halted. You have little to look forward to at the moment, so your brain has time to wander. Fortunately this will not last forever, you will find a job, you will meet someone (maybe not "the one", but maybe). All of these things will help the slump you're in right now. Think back to your post and how you feel the moment you get the job you wanted. I know hearing this will not make you feel better, but maybe it'll help you understand. Try picking up a hobby e.g. jogging, working out, volunteering, etc. See if that helps, there is no magic pill. Just remember your situation will not remain this way forever. Good luck.
Author ItTakesSeconds Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) I read your entire post and am very sorry you are feeling this way. You have all of your answers in your post. Why are you feeling this way? "my life has slowed down quite drastically. Finding a job has been difficult, meeting someone new has always been a challenge for me" "My life is stagnant and fuels my loneliness" This is why you feel the way you do. At the moment your life progression has slowed down/halted. You have little to look forward to at the moment, so your brain has time to wander. Fortunately this will not last forever, you will find a job, you will meet someone (maybe not "the one", but maybe). All of these things will help the slump you're in right now. Think back to your post and how you feel the moment you get the job you wanted. I know hearing this will not make you feel better, but maybe it'll help you understand. Try picking up a hobby e.g. jogging, working out, volunteering, etc. See if that helps, there is no magic pill. Just remember your situation will not remain this way forever. Good luck. Thank you for taking the time to read through my post, I appreciate it. You are right, of course. I am aware that I have partly answered my own question. I guess I am just a little confused that, even though I can rationally accept the reasons why we broke up, I can still feel, after all this time, that I lost the only real thing in my life. It's making me do stupid things. I haven't many friends, and the few I do have are losing their patience with me. It's infuriating that after all this time I still think about her; I am still just as likely to break when I think about our times together as if we broke up yesterday. In any case, it is as you say: they only reason I feel her absence so acutely is because my life has become empty, whereas it used to be a little bit more exciting, and not so lonely - I had something to aim for, to live for. Now, I am overcome with sadness, and feelings of emptiness. I'm getting very tired of having this burning noise of anxiety in my chest constantly bringing me to my knees. I'm constantly haunted by her face, or what she 'might' be doing with another man. It's quite draining. Also, you are right about these feelings disappearing once I have found a job and made a life for myself, but I am finding it difficult to imagine that through this cloud of sadness. I'm so confused: I have all these emotions and temptations around me that are driving me to madness. I can't explain how powerful the urge is right now to unblock (it took me a while to work up the courage to do this) her on Facebook, and try and add her. Completely stupid, yes, but it's a temptation nonetheless that is getting more and more powerful. Edited October 8, 2012 by ItTakesSeconds
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I can empathize with you, althought not a 2 year relationship I was just dumped by a girl who I thought of as "the one". I just moved to Arizona 4 months ago, I have ZERO friends out here, my co-workers are cold to me. They also are older have families and little in common with me. I work, sleep and go to the gym. I, like you think about my ex to the point of exhaustion. I'm socially awkward and reserved so meeting people and women is, well, just doesn't happen. Again I know where you're coming from, sort of. Only difference is your ex is thousands of miles away and mine is a 5 min drive. I'm not diminishing your pain vs mine, I almost envy your situation. There really is no real advice here, almost hollow huh? I'll just point out that for you and me, these are tough times. Understand that these are tough times, make a mental note. Tell yourself I MUST remain strong right now because you know it's not going to get better overnight. There is no magic pill, no magic words. We just have to be strong.
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