sternwind Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I've read a few peoples stories on this site and see that alot are the same and yet everyone's are slightly different. Here's my story I met my wife 13 years ago and we were married in 2004. I was 29 and she was 20. It sounds like a big gap but she was mature for being 20 and we just clicked. Anyhow 7 days ago she told me she was done. Just "done" she couldn't do it anymore. I did the stupid begging and asking for another chance, I told her I would do anything. As you all know this didn't work she just told me I repulse her and she feels no love for me, that there is nothing there. I will tell you it was like being hit with a sledgehammer. After the initial anger (although it was directed at her) I came to realize that it was my fault. I remember several years ago her asking to go to see a counceller and me saying we don't need it. It was right around the time our first child was born. At the time I just thought it was the stress of starting a new family and such. Then over the course of the next few years we grew apart. I seemed to be fine with this although there were days I wondered why we didn't spend anymore time together. She started going out with friends more and more and I withdrew to playing on my computer. She would ask me to goto a friends place and I would find an excuse or just say no! The emotional bond was gone. So trust me this isn't a wife bashing session, she is a great mother and I have done some serious thinking about why things got the way they did. I believe something happened that created a small rift and I didn't see it and it just grew and grew into this finality. I have told her that it was my fault and I actually believe that it is. I know there was times she tried to get me to do things with her and I don't really know why I didn't looking back now. I know its fresh being only 7 days ago but I've done some major soul searching and I do believe I could get it back to what it was before even better. I don't know what the best course would be. its been very amicable as I don't ever want to get mad at her as I realize she tried. its just hard as were both in the house and we have 2 great kids to think about. She has said she just wants to be a single mom as thats what it has felt like for the past several years. I have read that once she has made her mind up to this course there is really nothing I can do to change it. I have made some of the mistakes people have said on this board I've told her I still love her and we have sat down and talked and I have asked if there was any chance in the future of getting back together and she has said that she could not see that ever happening. Also cause I know I'll get the questions I don't believe there is another guy. Also if there was I would think during the last 7 days she would of stayed out of the house, but she hasn't (believe it or not we've talked more in 7 days than the last few years. Now like I said since then I have taken a serious look at my life and am actually sick to think I acted that way. I am convinced to change myself. Ive stayed off the computer games and started walking in hopes to get back in shape. Now I know this is a time will tell thing but I really want to be a better person and father. Any advice would really help...
todreaminblue Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I've read a few peoples stories on this site and see that alot are the same and yet everyone's are slightly different. Here's my story I met my wife 13 years ago and we were married in 2004. I was 29 and she was 20. It sounds like a big gap but she was mature for being 20 and we just clicked. Anyhow 7 days ago she told me she was done. Just "done" she couldn't do it anymore. I did the stupid begging and asking for another chance, I told her I would do anything. As you all know this didn't work she just told me I repulse her and she feels no love for me, that there is nothing there. I will tell you it was like being hit with a sledgehammer. After the initial anger (although it was directed at her) I came to realize that it was my fault. I remember several years ago her asking to go to see a counceller and me saying we don't need it. It was right around the time our first child was born. At the time I just thought it was the stress of starting a new family and such. Then over the course of the next few years we grew apart. I seemed to be fine with this although there were days I wondered why we didn't spend anymore time together. She started going out with friends more and more and I withdrew to playing on my computer. She would ask me to goto a friends place and I would find an excuse or just say no! The emotional bond was gone. So trust me this isn't a wife bashing session, she is a great mother and I have done some serious thinking about why things got the way they did. I believe something happened that created a small rift and I didn't see it and it just grew and grew into this finality. I have told her that it was my fault and I actually believe that it is. I know there was times she tried to get me to do things with her and I don't really know why I didn't looking back now. I know its fresh being only 7 days ago but I've done some major soul searching and I do believe I could get it back to what it was before even better. I don't know what the best course would be. its been very amicable as I don't ever want to get mad at her as I realize she tried. its just hard as were both in the house and we have 2 great kids to think about. She has said she just wants to be a single mom as thats what it has felt like for the past several years. I have read that once she has made her mind up to this course there is really nothing I can do to change it. I have made some of the mistakes people have said on this board I've told her I still love her and we have sat down and talked and I have asked if there was any chance in the future of getting back together and she has said that she could not see that ever happening. Also cause I know I'll get the questions I don't believe there is another guy. Also if there was I would think during the last 7 days she would of stayed out of the house, but she hasn't (believe it or not we've talked more in 7 days than the last few years. Now like I said since then I have taken a serious look at my life and am actually sick to think I acted that way. I am convinced to change myself. Ive stayed off the computer games and started walking in hopes to get back in shape. Now I know this is a time will tell thing but I really want to be a better person and father. Any advice would really help... take it one day at a time .....its worth working on your marriage keep the lines of communication open.....deb
KathyM Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 My advice would be to urge her to go to marriage counseling with you. Tell her you understand why she feels the way she does, and you take full responsibility for it, but you don't want to lose her, and this has been a wake up call for you and you think you both owe it to yourselves and your children to make once last effort to save the marriage. Tell her you would like to make the appointment for you both to see a counselor, and to give it a few months, and you believe you can make the changes she needs to see. I hope it works out for you. Unfortunately, I've seen this scenario before IRL, where the man ignores his wife and children and is wrapped up in his own interests, and the wife learns to live without his companionship, until one day she decides she no longer wants to live that way. By that time, it's pretty hard to get her to have confidence that there will be any permanent changes, but it's worth a try. I have seen a couple who were very much in your situation, and they were able to bring their marriage back from the dead after seven months apart, and they are now enjoying a much more bonded and invested life together after counseling. Try to encourage her to make this one last effort to save your marriage. Let her know how much you want this to work, and how sad you are that you didn't do something to change the situation until now. Then make your best effort to do what the counselor tells you. Give her the attention she needs. Show her the man she married--that she fell in love with.
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I have told her that it was my fault and I actually believe that it is. . She is rewriting marital history (they all do it) There is no way this could all be ALL your fault. You are falling for it hook , line and sinker too.
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I don't believe there is another guy. Any advice would really help... Only way to find out is to rule it out one way or the other. Search mobile phone bills, computer history etc. Is she becoming overly guarded with her mobile? changed her password etc. Also make sure you have all your facts, I noticed on my wife's cell bill a weird number was getting blown up with texts when she was away on trips. A sleeplesss night later, i typed the number into Google and turned out it was the number the cell provider uses to send texts abroad. Then realised that every single text corresponded to the time one was sent to me. In other words get your facts straight and don't go off half cocked. Turned out my wife wasn't cheating but I made very, very sure that I knew for sure. You need to be doing the same, your course of action has to be very different if she is.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Women try, and try, and try - then they reach the ends of their tethers and finally give up. Men give up and give up and give up - then they come to crunch time, and they try. This happens time and time again. So many men come in complaining of the break, and admitting their own behaviours and wanting to turn back the clock and remedy.... So many women come in complaining that they give it their all, but their partners aren't responding, they don't know what to do, after all these years, they want out.... I don't know why this is - and I'm not supporting or condemning either gender - it just seems to be the way a lot of things work out.... You guys should have "met in the middle" long ago, but it's too late now. I hate to tell you, but she's already put everything into this she's ever going to put. No matter to what degree or how hard she tired, the level of effort is immaterial; she gave it her all. You - even you admit - turned down offers of effort and repair. It's time to think about a damage-limitation strategy. Because in her eyes - it's over. 3
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Women try, and try, and try - Problem is their trying is often in the form of subtle hints that men cannot pick up on. By the time the woman says 'it's over' is when the man finally 'gets it'
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 she's already put everything into this she's ever going to put. That is not necessarily true, it all depends on how the OP handles himself. I would say that often in these situations it's far from over.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'm thinking this from her PoV. She's sick and tired of being sick and tired of trying. The quantative effort is immeasurable, but as far as she seems to be concerned, she's done here.... And I don't think asking for counselling together can be construed as a 'subtle hint'.... Even the OP admits that. In fact, he details several 'red flags' he simply admits he chose to ignore, or pay no attention to...
karnak Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'd say she probably is interested in another guy. She's not having an affair, but she's considering a new relationship. She's still too young to want to be alone for a very long time. Regardless of if there's another man in the equation or not, I'd say this marriage is over.
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'd say she probably is interested in another guy. She's not having an affair, but she's considering a new relationship. She's still too young to want to be alone for a very long time. Regardless of if there's another man in the equation or not, I'd say this marriage is over. Actually if the OP can get his n*ds back from his wife's handbag, does his intel and handles it the right way there is every chance the marriage is not over.
standtall Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Women with minor children don't simply say "I'm done" and leave..They vast majority leave for the big 4 1. Drug/alcohol abuse 2. Mental illness 3. Physical/emotional abuse 4. 3rd party involvement Now, there are other reasons...for example ..she loses respect for you because you play too much xbox and put on 50lbs, or you have some major parenting value conflicts, or she finds out your a registered sex offender... but their rare. Also, the things above can be committed by either party. Pick your poison.
riverratt Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Women try, and try, and try - then they reach the ends of their tethers and finally give up. Men give up and give up and give up - then they come to crunch time, and they try. This happens time and time again. So many men come in complaining of the break, and admitting their own behaviors and wanting to turn back the clock and remedy.... So many women come in complaining that they give it their all, but their partners aren't responding, they don't know what to do, after all these years, they want out.... Totally agree.. It seems that the men that do "get it" it is too late because the women didn't get loud enough till it is to late. For example..They leave..
GuyInLimbo Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I was 29 and she was 20. It sounds like a big gap but she was mature for being 20 and we just clicked. I openly admit my self-righteousness, but this statement makes me chuckle. No one, I repeat, no one, is ready to commit to a long-term marriage at 20 years old. Most people are completely different at 30 than they were at 20. By then, I feel you usually are who you are and know what you want, as opposed to not knowing squat at 20.
GuyInLimbo Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think that was more the norm 40 years ago, as divorce was much more of a stigma to be avoided, and perhaps people were more religious than today. Anyway, don't mean to stray too OT.... Back to our regularly-scheduled program...
KathyM Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I openly admit my self-righteousness, but this statement makes me chuckle. No one, I repeat, no one, is ready to commit to a long-term marriage at 20 years old. Most people are completely different at 30 than they were at 20. By then, I feel you usually are who you are and know what you want, as opposed to not knowing squat at 20. It depends on the person. I married my husband at 19 years old, and am still happily married to him at middle age. I know several other couples who married young and are still happily married many years later. It depends on the person how mature and ready they are for that kind of commitment. But I would say that, for most people, it's usually a good idea to wait until mid to late 20s to make a permanent commitment.
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