geegirl Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 well i dont want to reply to the texts and im not really picking up her calls. I just sent her one text saying everything was fine that im not angry and that sorry for not wanting to talk to her. I had all the intention to go no contact, and i did. I follow ur advice and to told her that i dont want to talk to her and that im not angry or mad :S i dont know why u got so angry with me. I ask for advice because i dont want to get heartbroken again. The thing is, you're leaving breadcrumbs for her too. These vague, "I'm ok, I don't want to talk" leaves her feeling like there's a slightly open door for her to try and change your mind. It's almost as of you're teasing her, keeping her on the edge of her seat. If you're going to text back, text what Million said. It explains your stance, you're reasoning and your request for her to respect your decision. THEN, if she still contacts you ignore. This time she should respect your reasons and anything else should be deemed as someone disrespecting your need to heal and move on. Stop playing games. This contact boosts your ego and somehow I have a feeling you won't quite cut the cord because you want the attention. 2
Author Coyoteloco Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 i already told her i dont want her to contact me!!! And im avoiding the drama the most i can. I havent talked to her for 1 month or more. dude u were the one who suggested me to send that text. She sent me loads of breadcrumbs in that time and i didnt answear or nothing. Im working on myself and doing pretty fine right now.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 There again, if you'd sent the text I had suggested - we wouldn't be at this point now - would we?
Million.to.1 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 i already told her i dont want her to contact me!!! And im avoiding the drama the most i can. I havent talked to her for 1 month or more. dude u were the one who suggested me to send that text. She sent me loads of breadcrumbs in that time and i didnt answear or nothing. Im working on myself and doing pretty fine right now. I am not a dude. You sent HALF the txt i told you to. The other HALF, the bit you conveniently didn't send is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. The part the puts an END TO CONTACT. Hence why i say that you are perpetuating this drama. Do what you want. I don't give a ****.
geegirl Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 i already told her i dont want her to contact me!!! And im avoiding the drama the most i can. I havent talked to her for 1 month or more. dude u were the one who suggested me to send that text. She sent me loads of breadcrumbs in that time and i didnt answear or nothing. Im working on myself and doing pretty fine right now. Quit it. You sent a carrot on a string. A text that keeps the door open. Send a proper text and shut the door, as Million suggested. Stop playing victim. You like that she's "beggin" for your attention. 2
Author Coyoteloco Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 The thing is, you're leaving breadcrumbs for her too. These vague, "I'm ok, I don't want to talk" leaves her feeling like there's a slightly open door for her to try and change your mind. It's almost as of you're teasing her, keeping her on the edge of her seat. If you're going to text back, text what Million said. It explains your stance, you're reasoning and your request for her to respect your decision. THEN, if she still contacts you ignore. This time she should respect your reasons and anything else should be deemed as someone disrespecting your need to heal and move on. Stop playing games. This contact boosts your ego and somehow I have a feeling you won't quite cut the cord because you want the attention. THANK YOU!!! now i understand, thank you so much for actually telling me what im doing wrong and not just getting mad at me like the other 2. Yes you might be right, i guess i find quite ego boosting all of this, im pretty young you know, and im not experienced in this things. And this is my first time in a break up so i dont know how this things work. All i did was tell her sorry but i dont want to pick up. I guess i should not trust her with the i want to respect you and not hurt you. Im trying to follow ur advices guys dont get mad at me :/
Author Coyoteloco Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 ok well first sorry for thinking u were a dude million, second im trying to do my besst but im a bit confused, third i dont want to be rude to her i dont know what she wants or why she is doing this. I messed up a lil with that text i sent her but well i dont find it so bad after reading some threads here where people actually mess up big time sleeping with the ex or stuff life that, dont be that hard on me im trying to do it the right way.
geegirl Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 THANK YOU!!! now i understand, thank you so much for actually telling me what im doing wrong and not just getting mad at me like the other 2. Yes you might be right, i guess i find quite ego boosting all of this, im pretty young you know, and im not experienced in this things. And this is my first time in a break up so i dont know how this things work. All i did was tell her sorry but i dont want to pick up. I guess i should not trust her with the i want to respect you and not hurt you. Im trying to follow ur advices guys dont get mad at me :/ So you either focus on your healing or allow this ego boosting to keep hurting you. No amount of advice can help you if you keep playing games as well.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 If you actually read the No Contact guide it's all explained in there. Furthermore, i don't understand what is so complicated and difficult to understand about 'No Contact.' No. Contact. NO-Contact. NoContact. Nope. sounds very straight forward to me. NO CONTACT. Be as rude as you like. No Contact is for your benefit - not hers.
geegirl Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 ok well first sorry for thinking u were a dude million, second im trying to do my besst but im a bit confused, third i dont want to be rude to her i dont know what she wants or why she is doing this. I messed up a lil with that text i sent her but well i dont find it so bad after reading some threads here where people actually mess up big time sleeping with the ex or stuff life that, dont be that hard on me im trying to do it the right way. Telling her what Million suggested is not rude. It's mature and succinct. It enforces a boundary and one that she must respect. If she broke up with you, she has no right to state the terms in which helps her feel better. She has to live with the terms that helps YOU heal and move on. What you're sending is game playing and a mind ****. You're only perpetuating this back and forth. 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Ok... i understand. Please just understand how annoying it is giving advice and people just ignore you. We are only telling you this because we've been there. We have made all the same mistakes and hurt ourselves by doing so. If you TRULY want to move forward with your life, love again in the future and not carry baggage into your next relationship, - do this. Send and email, a txt whatever. Do not add any questions. Do not say anything that puts blame on her. Simply explain why you need to use the route of No contact. Here is a piece of an email i sent to my ex after he kept txting me after we broke up because he felt guilty and wanted to know i was ok, so he could feel better about moving on with someone else. "No contact is what I need to heal and move forward. Contact makes me step backwards, and I don’t want to keep hurting, I want to be Ok. I have to be Ok. Please trust that I will be, for yourself, and do not contact me. Set me free, be free and free yourself from the guilt of what I know was a tough decision for you. You have no reason to feel bad anymore. There is only love in my heart for you, now and always." He did not contact me again after this. He respected my decision, and then it was my job to heal MYSELF and move forward. The txt i told you to send earlier was pretty much the same. It must explain that you do not want her to contact you for any reason and that's its a way for you to heal and not about trying to punish her. i also added this link to my email which explains no contact really well i think. link about NO CONTACT Take your time... say what you need to and then STICK TO IT. That's all the advice i have. Good luck 1
Calico Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) That's what I'm getting at...I think ignoring someone is prolonging the game...and that's all NC really is, a game. It's absolutely not a game for me, and it's not a game for most people who are serious about wanting to get better. It's self-preservation. I tried staying in contact with my ex, and it was torture. Every day new pain, every day new hurtful experiences, every day new hopes, every day new "interpretations" of her words and behaviour. NC was the single-most important action that allowed me to start healing and I'm so much better off than four or six weeks ago. Sure, you can use NC like a game. People not willing to move on do that. But no one advocating NC as a serious mean to get better is actually recommending to use it that way. If you use the tool incorrectly and get flawed results, it's not the tool's fault. (I am, however, not recommending NC to people who are not ready to let go and who don't feel they have done and said and tried whatever they needed to do or say. If you use it too soon, it may not work well. ) Saying that NC is nothing more than a game is like saying that abstinence for an alcoholic is nothing more than a game. Edited October 8, 2012 by Calico 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It's absolutely not a game for me, and it's not a game for most people who are serious about wanting to get better. Saying that NC is nothing more than a game is like saying that abstinence for an alcoholic is nothing more than a game. You are right. You are doing it for all the right reasons. That's why i think that both parties have to understand NC for it to be effective. People that just start ignoring their ex completely without any explanation should expect the "game" to continue. I think alot of people initiate N/C without explaination because they want to punish their ex or enjoy the fact that they can hurt them in return by shutting them out of their life. They enjoy the attention their ex gives them when they reach out with breadcrumbs and they "stay NC" -so it becomes i game. "I didn't reply, I'm winning!" .. but, you're not. I truly think that if you use NC as a way to heal, then your ex needs to know that's what you are doing in order to avoid all the set-backs that come with it sometimes. I often think about writing another NC guide... It's a good tool if used right and I think that the harshness of caliguys one, doesn't always work for everyone. 1
Mike_d Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 moveOnorStay didn't help initially, CL took the small window of encouragement and decided to use it as justification to act as he did. smh 1
Author Coyoteloco Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 million: i just read ur link about no contact. Its a very good one! i read many articles but that was a refresh to my mind. What i did wasnt so bad as i read in the article! Mike : i think it was a big window of encouragement because everyone was saying that i SHOULD answear. Maybe i messed up i dont know. . . annd well she sent me another text saying that what she wants to know is if im willing to talk to her. Ill leave it like that for today and dont reply to that and maybe see how the week goes, and so i have some time to think on this. thanks for the advice everyone i really dont know how could i go through this without this forum or the internet!
Million.to.1 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 annd well she sent me another text saying that what she wants to know is if im willing to talk to her. Ill leave it like that for today and dont reply to that and maybe see how the week goes, and so i have some time to think on this. thanks for the advice everyone i really dont know how could i go through this without this forum or the internet! Yeah, that's a great idea, just ignore her for a few more days and keep her waiting and perpetuate the drama some more. Facepalm. (Insert emoticon of me banging my head against a brick wall) 2
geegirl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 annd well she sent me another text saying that what she wants to know is if im willing to talk to her. Ill leave it like that for today and dont reply to that and maybe see how the week goes, and so i have some time to think on this. thanks for the advice everyone i really dont know how could i go through this without this forum or the internet! Perfect. Keep getting your ego boost. In two weeks come back here and ask the same question. smh. 1
suladas Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 You are right. You are doing it for all the right reasons. That's why i think that both parties have to understand NC for it to be effective. People that just start ignoring their ex completely without any explanation should expect the "game" to continue. I think alot of people initiate N/C without explaination because they want to punish their ex or enjoy the fact that they can hurt them in return by shutting them out of their life. They enjoy the attention their ex gives them when they reach out with breadcrumbs and they "stay NC" -so it becomes i game. "I didn't reply, I'm winning!" .. but, you're not. I truly think that if you use NC as a way to heal, then your ex needs to know that's what you are doing in order to avoid all the set-backs that come with it sometimes. I often think about writing another NC guide... It's a good tool if used right and I think that the harshness of caliguys one, doesn't always work for everyone. I agree with this 1000%. Speaking from someone who's been ignored since the BU. All it takes is ONE short text, that's it and it would of saved me a long time (it still would 3 months later) of what if's and sending more texts. And it works both ways, if you tell them MOST people would stop all communication so you wouldn't have the torture of them still contacting you, which is what you want, or say you want anyways? It's beneficial to both people. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if you were getting treated this way? I can say tons of calls/texts in a short time is over the top though. Remember what you do today could burn your a$$ tomorrow.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Are we still having this idiotic discussion? My next post - to his next post, will probably be... "Yeah, we know, we told you so." 1
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Yeah. Hilarious. I tell you, they crack me up.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Yeah. Hilarious. I tell you, they crack me up. Not laughing at you, just the OP basically doing everything the opposite of what he is being told and just making a mess of it. After a while, you can't help but to have a chuckle.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 annd well she sent me another text saying that what she wants to know is if im willing to talk to her. Ill leave it like that for today and dont reply to that and maybe see how the week goes, and so i have some time to think on this. thanks for the advice everyone i really dont know how could i go through this without this forum or the internet! Listen. My ex mssged me AND called me all the way from Thailand to Canada. I thought, wow, he must've changed, he must really want me back, etc. I was wrong. He only wanted me back for sex. He wanted to make sure that, when he got back from Thailand, he wouldn't have a "dry spell." Enough said. 1
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 No, it's fine, I get your point. I've stopped banging my head against the wall now, and I feel so much better....! The plasterwork's a mess though.....
Author Coyoteloco Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 well i know most of you hate me and think im not listening to ur advice. She is still calling me today, i havent picked up, and i did nothing else after that "polemic" text i sent her, i dont know you guys think she is just messing with me? should i talk to her and see whats going on? please understand that i wont do everything you guys tell me but ur opinions help me to decide what to do and understand things better. Im a human being and i make mistakes, the only "wrong" thing i did so far was sending that text . . . dont get angry at me. This is already too much confusing to me ill be happy if u internet people show me the right way to walk in this situation.
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