Ex Phone Number in Wallet - Am I overreacting?

[SER]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years (mid 20's), including a 3 month breakup last summer. The breakup was due to a behavior (saying things that he shouldn't when he gets angry) issue on his part that has since been much improved.

 

Today we are studying on the weekend as usual and he throws his wallet on the table because it's bothering his behind. I laugh and ask him if he really needs all the receipts in there and he laughs and starts to clean it out right there. Mostly there are old receipts and then one is receipt paper with a girls phone number on it. No big deal, I figure maybe some random girl just wrote her number and he put it in his wallet and forgot about it.

 

Then he pulls out a coaster from cancun. He went to cancun in 2004 and met a girl that he dated before me. He doesn't know that I know her name or that they dated. I only know her name because she called about a year after we started dating (2007) while we were on a trip to visit my family. The name on the phone popped up and I handed the phone to him and said "x is calling you" and he looked at the phone and quickly rejected it. I later looked up the name on a website he had and there are pictures of him with her on vacation in cancun.

 

Anyway, so he pulls out this coaster and I notice the name and just said "dang you're on a roll!" Trying to keep it cool and calm. He was like well I know who that is but I don't remember who that other one is. He tossed the coaster in the "don't keep" pile. He keeps sorting and then when he's done, collects the throw pile. He grabs it in a wad and conveniently double checks the last few pieces of paper. He palms the coaster in his hand, which he thought I didn't notice, and then mixes it with the keep pile and places it back in his wallet.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Why would he need to keep that coaster with her number on it after all of this time? Sentimental value? Am I right to think that this is inappropriate?

 

He isn't friends with her on Facebook, but I know that he was up until maybe 2 or 3 years ago. It just gives me an uneasy feeling and I don't feel very good about it. And if I am right in feeling that this isn't right, how do I approach him about it? He doesn't even know that I know who she is.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice guys.

[SER]

The more I'm thinking about it the more I wonder - why has he kept this thing in the past few wallets he's had? I've never had trust issues with him before, but this just seems so odd.

 

Should I say something like "I know you kept your ex girlfriend's phone number and didn't throw it away. I'm not very comfortable with this and I wanted you to know that I know." Is that reasonable? I feel like asking WHY he's keeping it but I'm not sure if that's very productive. Though I would feel better knowing.

[darkmoon]

find the coaster with the number on it and throw it away secretly, he is being as ass palming it, so things are not good as they are, i hope you are not scared by him, just do it, he will have to forget her

[kookybunny]

what a creep. so sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

well: aside from this, how is your relationship now? does he make an emotional connection with you? does he put effort into your relationship? make you feel loved? how is the sex?

 

if something is wrong there, it might be worth it to have a talk about that and find out where he is at with that, then bring up the coaster.

 

be honest, is there anything shady that you have or do in regards to your past relationships that are harmless that he doesn't know about? that might give you perspective.

 

do you really want to be with him anyway? like, really? you guys are so young.

 

i don't know.....that would really piss me off.

 

let us know how this goes. good luck

[SER]

The relationship has been a little rocky still. He still has a couple of outbursts every now and then but I'm trying to be good and give him the benefit of the doubt. The putting effort in the rel. has always been an issue as he has become more of a homebody over time. He doesn't like to socialize and I go with friends solo. My friends think its weird. I feel loved but not worthy. Like he makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. Not on purpose I don't think. Sex is good.

 

I have always given my all in the rel. I never talk to exes, never their friend on FB, etc. when he screwed up last year I kind of felt like I am being the perfect girl for nothing. All that and he still felt that he could say the things he did. He knows that was wrong.

 

Sometimes I don't know. I think to myself that maybe he's that great guy I dated 6 years ago, but every now and then he disappoints and makes me feel bad. I do wish I had someone that I could go out and do things socially with other than see movies. But then I think well no ones perfect, right? I love his family and we're all real close. Our parents go on mini vacations together. When we broke up last year, he said that I was perfect for him but he knew he wasn't perfect for me. I think about that often, but again I think that you have to accept people for who they are. Maybe I have the wrong mentality.

 

I'm about to go get him and ask him about it. Pretty nervous. I'll let y'all know in the morning...

[SER]

So I asked him to come in the room and said,"I noticed when you cleaned out your wallet that you palmed the other girl's phone number and didn't throw it away. I'm not sure how I feel about that... is that something I should be worried about?"

 

He paused for a moment and became very fidgety. He replied,"[Name] was the girl who took my virginity in Cancun when I went for Senior trip in high school. It was such a fun time in my life and I kept that because I have a lot of memories. I also have some old euros in my wallet and some other things that are a few years old that I don't want to throw away that just haven't made it out of my wallet." To which I replied,"You've had 2 or 3 wallets in the past 6 years... and you're saying that you haven't had a chance to take this out of your wallet?" And he replied,"well each time I clean out my wallet you happen to be with me. And I mean it's not like I keep it in there for later, I'm not going to call her up or anything. I just haven't had a chance or remembered to take it out."

 

I didn't really have a response. He continued,"I mean I keep things from [another ex] and [another ex] and when I stumble upon them, I'll read a note, crack a smile, and put it away. I mean I keep things from you in that drawer too." This is when I thought to myself "Oh great, thanks, add me to the pile". That's how I felt, for some reason it made me feel less unique (if that's the right way to explain it). He went on,"I mean, I'm a sucker for nostalgia, I also have things from middle school and high school from my friends, stupid notes that I would have thrown away back then when I got them, but now that they are 10 or so many years old, I'd like to keep them...I have games and stuff from when I was younger..." and he continued for another 5 or so minutes.

 

 

I replied,"Well I can understand keeping memories around and I guess I'm just different in the way that, after a couple of years of dating you, I threw all of my old love letters away from [ex] and [other ex]. In my mind, I was with you and I didn't need that. And I don't need to go back and read those letters because I remember everything from those relationships... for me I don't need tangible things. I do keep some things like you do, I have old plane tickets from trips to europe, but I just didn't keep anything from exes when I knew that I was with you for good." I paused. "But can you see this from my side, I mean can you imagine how you would feel if this were something that I carried around with me in my wallet for 8 years?" He replied,"Well, yea, but I told you it just didn't make it out of my wallet. It's not something you need to be worried about, it's just I didn't take it out."

 

So I don't know. I'm not about to make the man throw away all of his treasured memories, those are his to keep. But I can't help but feel weird about it. And to know that he goes back and reads these old letters. Why do you need to relive that? I mean if this were me, I would see that old coaster in my wallet (years ago) and think,"crap, if [boyfriend] saw this in my wallet, he might freak out. I'm going to put this away." I wouldn't keep it in there for 8 years and "not have a chance" to take it out. And it's not like he lives with me anymore and can't make it to that drawer to put it away. His "memory drawer" is in his room where he lives now. I still am uneasy about this.

 

Thoughts?

[ThatJustHappened]

Everybody keeps mementos. I still have the love note my 8th grade boyfriend wrote to me..doesn't mean I want to get back together with him. I also still have the promise ring my last boyfriend gave me. Doesn't mean I want to get back together with him either. Have you thrown everything from your past boyfriends away?

 

It's a part of his past. He wants you to be his future. I believe his explanation..I don't think he's doing anything wrong. But it's up to you.

[kookybunny]

sounds believable and harmless. some people are very attached to THINGS in general.

 

i find it really unattractive and i think you do too.

 

he sounds immature and unsure, to be honest.

 

you sound unsure about him as well. why split hairs over a number in his wallet when your relationship isn't all that amazing anyway?

 

time to step back, look at the big picture, and ask the hard questions.

 

if you're religious, this will likely be more difficult.

 

good luck

[SER]

I have thrown everything from my past boyfriends away that I know of. There may be something in a box that I don't remember having, but I don't go back to any box searching for something from one of them to remember them or to reminisce. I don't have that need.

 

Kooky - Yea I do find it unattractive. I never really knew that I felt this way, but then again, I've never had something like this spring up before.

 

I am unsure and I've been asking myself the hard questions a lot lately, without this new little hiccup in the picture. I might just sit with him this weekend and tell him how I feel about everything.

 

I am uncertain whether or not he'll screw up again, which leaves me feeling like I don't know what the future holds for us. A little over a year ago, I knew that he was the one I wanted to be with and I had no question really about us/our future. Then when everything went down last year, it changed the way I feel about him and about us. Also about relationships in general. I told him shortly after we got back together after our 3 month break-up how I felt at the time. But my feelings haven't really changed and I guess it's only fair that he knows where we're at (or where I'm at).

 

I think to myself whether or not this is going to work out and not knowing just has me a little stressed. If we don't work out, then I feel like I've wasted my time. And if we do, then we do - but do I want to marry him anymore? I don't know. What if he screws up again later? I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where he gets comfortable and feels that he no longer has to "try" at. This is one of the issues we had last year... he had me already so "he didn't need to try".

 

I'm not giving him 100% of me and I feel terrible about it. But at the same time, if I give my all I might get hurt again and I'll feel like an idiot.

 

I believe I'm just rambling at this point, but if anyone has any insights, feel free to let me know.

[ThatJustHappened]

I have thrown everything from my past boyfriends away that I know of. There may be something in a box that I don't remember having, but I don't go back to any box searching for something from one of them to remember them or to reminisce. I don't have that need.

 

Kooky - Yea I do find it unattractive. I never really knew that I felt this way, but then again, I've never had something like this spring up before.

 

I am unsure and I've been asking myself the hard questions a lot lately, without this new little hiccup in the picture. I might just sit with him this weekend and tell him how I feel about everything.

 

I am uncertain whether or not he'll screw up again, which leaves me feeling like I don't know what the future holds for us. A little over a year ago, I knew that he was the one I wanted to be with and I had no question really about us/our future. Then when everything went down last year, it changed the way I feel about him and about us. Also about relationships in general. I told him shortly after we got back together after our 3 month break-up how I felt at the time. But my feelings haven't really changed and I guess it's only fair that he knows where we're at (or where I'm at).

 

I think to myself whether or not this is going to work out and not knowing just has me a little stressed. If we don't work out, then I feel like I've wasted my time. And if we do, then we do - but do I want to marry him anymore? I don't know. What if he screws up again later? I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where he gets comfortable and feels that he no longer has to "try" at. This is one of the issues we had last year... he had me already so "he didn't need to try".

 

I'm not giving him 100% of me and I feel terrible about it. But at the same time, if I give my all I might get hurt again and I'll feel like an idiot.

 

I believe I'm just rambling at this point, but if anyone has any insights, feel free to let me know.

 

My thoughts..it kind of sounds like you were already starting to check out of the relationship and this is just something to add to the pile. If it had been an isolated incident, I can't imagine it would have had this big an affect on you, but since you were already feeling ambivalent about him..this probably feels like a much bigger deal than it is.

 

You need to be fair to yourself and you need to be fair to him. If you don't see this going anywhere, you should really end it.

[melodymatters]

Partners romantic pasts are ALWAYS going to be right up there in the problem category. I guess we have to hope and trust that it IS the past, accept that we can't change the past, and most importantly that they don't want to REVISIT the past !

 

I am extremely happily married to a wonderful man who I know is devoted to me BUT: He is close with his family and they don't get together all that often. His father died and they had many celebrations of his life, family reunions etc, and the nar-whale whore that he dated for four years is in ALL OF THEM on his Facebook.

 

Now it makes me sick to see her as part of his life and "happy family" on a pretty much daily basis, but I can't ask him to delete these pictures which have 10 other family members in them. Sometimes I can let it roll off my back, other times when I'm down about other things it starts to really bother me. We're married but I am not and have never been such a picture freak as those two were, so they have hundreds of their past photo's on FB and H and I have like, ten.

 

I'm thinking of asking him to move them to a photo bucket or snap fish account so he doesn't lose them but *I* don't have to see them everytime I visit my husbands linked page. Perhaps you should tell him you understand nostalgia, but that the proper place is in a shoe box on a shelf in his damn closet, not carried around on his butt !