galcala Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I had been with the love of my life for over 10 years, very seriously involved for the past 5. everything was well, I hesitated some in marrying her because I wanted more for my family, she has three wonderful kids from a previous marriage, and I in some way felt inadequate since she worked really hard to get where she was at, House, car, everything she needed, and I wanted to provide more for them instead of jumping into what she had. In 09 I lost my well paying job and decided to become partners in a business that was starting out naturally this took up tons of my time and my time with them was limited. she put up with it for a while only because she loved me and I always assured her it was for them. at the end of last year she started to get fed up with it and started insisting we get married or that I would at least move in with them. I refused and told her it was not time yet, that once the business was providing well we would have the rest of our lives. needless to say she started to drift away and she warned me many times that I would lose her and I didnt listen, back in june problems started to show more and more, so I decided to leave the business to make a good go at it. I told her I had problems not letting her know the real reason since I didnt want to show my cards and let her see she could snap her fingers and Im there. eventhough she always could. but It was too late she started drinking and I employed idle threats to get her to stop, Im leaving if you dont stop. and things of that nature. One final draw was when she said eventhough I drink youre still here. I was upset and told her to stop or else. and walked off. a month goes by and we talk but nothing about our relationship I always hoped she would come to her senses. well I couldnt function without my family so I bought a ring and one day I went I told her lets go forward with this, and she said she wasnt sure. that she needed to get over the resentment first. I agreed, after a while I find out shes dating someone else, someone that is 10 years younger than her, and shes partying hard and doing things that are just not her. Its hard to be objective when you are in this situation since my view may be clouded but what I see is that she has destroyed the relationships with her mom, and sister to the point that they are not talking, the two youngest kids may not now any better but the oldest talks to me regularly and she tells me her mom is not in a good place, and she is concerned for her. and even her friends that I never approved of because of the hard party lifestyle they have, have text me telling me shes in a bad place. I still talk to her once and again and on occasion we even get intimate, and she keeps telling me to give it some time but as positive and hopeful I am I cant help but think she may not come back. sorry for the long book but I am lost and dont know what to do
Calico Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 (edited) Getting replaced by someone who is younger is quite hard to chew on. Been there, done that, burnt the t-shirt. And burning the t-shirt is what you need to do. Why are you still talking to her and, more importantly, why are you still having sex "on occasion"? She's with another guy (your replacement) and you willingly and happily provide closeness and comfort to her? You are essentially rewarding her for doing this. She gets to have fun with her boytoy and when she wants the familiarity, maturity and security that you represent, she can at any time come to you and get those things from you. You're on a leash, you're on stand-by. Do you feel this is fair to you? Do you feel good with this? I didn't. You say that you think that she may not come back. Really? What made you think that? I mean, besides the fact that she is with a ten years younger guy who replaced you. Also, why do you want her back? Why do you want a woman back who replaced you with a ten years younger guy and uses you as a safety net? What, exactly, makes you think this wouldn't happen again even if she "came back"? (That is: If you were foolish enough to take her back.) It worked very well for her the first time, so what would be there to stop her from doing it again? Even if you said, "This is the only chance I give you.", it would have little credibility since you are currently showing her that you can be used, walked over and disrespected without consequences. (Sorry for the bluntness. I'm familiar with this kind of situation and I also "stuck around" for some time, and would have taken her back at the blink of an eye. But distance and absence bring clarity, and that's why I feel you need to go No Contact and stick to it. You need a break from her. Start working on accepting that this relationship is over.) Edited October 7, 2012 by Calico 2
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Getting replaced by someone who is younger is quite hard to chew on. Been there, done that, burnt the t-shirt. And burning the t-shirt is what you need to do. Why are you still talking to her and, more importantly, why are you still have sex "on occasion"? She's with another guy (your replacement) and you willingly and happily provide closeness and comfort to her? You are essentially rewarding her for doing this. She gets to have fun with her boytoy and when she wants the familiarity, maturity and security that you represent, she can at any time come to you and get those things from you. You're on a leash, you're on stand-by. Do you feel this is fair to you? Do you feel good with this? I didn't. You say that you think that she may not come back. Really? What made you think that? I mean, besides the fact that she is with a ten years younger guy who replaced you. Also, why do you want her back? Why do you want a woman back who replaced you with a ten years younger guy and uses you as a safety net? What, exactly, makes you think this wouldn't happen again even if she "came back"? (That is: If you were foolish enough to take her back.) It worked very well for her the first time, so what would be there to stop her from doing it again? Even if you said, "This is the only chance I give you.", it would have little credibility since you are currently showing her that you can be used, walked over and disrespected without consequences. (Sorry for the bluntness. I'm familiar with this kind of situation and I also "stuck around" for some time, and would have taken her back at the blink of an eye. But distance and absence bring clarity, and that's why I feel you need to go No Contact and stick to it. You need a break from her. Start working on accepting that this relationship is over.) Amazing advice!! Read it, say it out loud, you won't like hearing/saying it, but it's great advice and deep down you know it's the truth!! I wish I had more to ad, but I would only be repeating what Calico said. Your self worth is more valuable than being a doormat to her.
Author galcala Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 I see where you are coming from I do appreciate your bluntness. But this is the love of my life, I know all this shall pass, and I will be the better man for it, and using logic to look at all that you mention is where I will find my way, and ultimately my goal as anybody that really loves someone is for her to be happy, of course Ill be the first to tell you that I hope and pray it is with me, but realistically im looking at the bigger picture, her wellbeing, and that of the kids and family. I was blessed to have them in my life and can not leave them to fend for themselves. And cutting contact with her completely is not impossible but we do have joint responsibilities that I cant bring myself to just throw them in her lap because it affects the kids. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I just cant do it. I keep thinking that all this is happening for us to make us learn from our mistakes and have the rest of our lives in harmony with each other. it may be wishful thinking but my hope is strong. that being said I do feel lost at some points. I will limit my contact with her and I may just release that safety net she has, but Id be lying if i didnt say it was just a ploy for her to realize that I am the man for her. 1
gamman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Getting replaced by someone who is younger is quite hard to chew on. Been there, done that, burnt the t-shirt. And burning the t-shirt is what you need to do. Why are you still talking to her and, more importantly, why are you still having sex "on occasion"? She's with another guy (your replacement) and you willingly and happily provide closeness and comfort to her? You are essentially rewarding her for doing this. She gets to have fun with her boytoy and when she wants the familiarity, maturity and security that you represent, she can at any time come to you and get those things from you. You're on a leash, you're on stand-by. Do you feel this is fair to you? Do you feel good with this? I didn't. You say that you think that she may not come back. Really? What made you think that? I mean, besides the fact that she is with a ten years younger guy who replaced you. Also, why do you want her back? Why do you want a woman back who replaced you with a ten years younger guy and uses you as a safety net? What, exactly, makes you think this wouldn't happen again even if she "came back"? (That is: If you were foolish enough to take her back.) It worked very well for her the first time, so what would be there to stop her from doing it again? Even if you said, "This is the only chance I give you.", it would have little credibility since you are currently showing her that you can be used, walked over and disrespected without consequences. (Sorry for the bluntness. I'm familiar with this kind of situation and I also "stuck around" for some time, and would have taken her back at the blink of an eye. But distance and absence bring clarity, and that's why I feel you need to go No Contact and stick to it. You need a break from her. Start working on accepting that this relationship is over.) All of this. Just keep reading this over and over.
chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Man I feel the same way my ex with a 45 yr old now yet im still comforting her through her tough times and good times It kills me to feel this way.
Sporty Girl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 First of all here is some advice. I own my own business and I am successful. Leave her. Foget about her, especially since she has ran off with somebody else, and ten years younger? She is already established, she has three kids. You need to focus on yourself, and your goals and plans. Before you get involved seriously with somebody, get you're business affairs and financial sitauation straightened out first. Make sure that you are well on you're feet, and that you have income flowing in, and not just going in. When all that happens then you can search for the love that you want. You should problaby go for somebody that has a clean slate. Like somebody that has never been married or has no kids. Somebody on the same level as you. Don't you want to have a fresh start with somebody, let that soembody be you're first for having a marriage and a family. Just think she must really love you if she already found somebody, and way younger too. Don't worry wait the right person will come to you. She is not right for you, and then she has more problems that she has to solve, don't get involved in it, especially if she is with somebody else, and now cheating on that person with you now. So will she do that to you if she marries you???? Moral is start new with somebody else that is problem free.
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