Does this mean its over?

[Tulip2006]

Is there any point in calling tonight I wonder

 

I'm still reeling at thinking we had broken up and also angry and upset

 

I don't think I'm strong enough to do anything tonight

[TaraMaiden]

Do me a favour: Do nothing, tonight.

Turn your 'phone off, leave your land-line on answer-machine, and turn off your computer (don't check your mail).

 

Sleep on it.

go out for a drink, go visit a buddy, go see a movie, go out for a meal.

 

On your own.

 

Think very carefully about this.

It's good that you're angry and upset, but I think part of it is that you're also angry and upset at yourself for being used like a fool.

Your dignity is up for grabs here, and you need to get it back before he can crap on it some more.

 

if you let this carry on, it will get progressively worse.

I recognise it, because I nearly fell into a relationship like this, myself. And getting yourself out of it, is harder than you think, the deeper you are, because you begin to believe their behaviour is both acceptable and justified.

 

you start to doubt your own reasoning, and begin making excuses for their rationale....

 

Well, see, being that much older, it follows they're that much wiser, have seen so much more and are just trying to use their experience and wisdom to avoid confrontation, and let us think about our actions....

 

Bull-schytt.

 

it's manipulative controlling mild abusive behaviour.

It's designed to erode your will-power and make you behave according to their whims.

 

Don't, please, get dragged in any further.

It's like quicksand.

harder to get out than to fall in.....

[Tulip2006]

Even though I said I would phone you think not?.

 

Isn't that playing games?

 

I could text and say not up to talking tonight as been a rough weekend?

[TaraMaiden]

as I said earlier, I don't usually recommend playing games - but this, strictly speaking, isn't playing.

Whether he realises it or not, his behaviour is manipulative and controlling.

And he's EXPECTING a specific result from you.

 

"I do this, she does this, then I do that."

 

Well change your behaviour.

There's no script, so don't stick to one.

Let him guess, let him wonder, but don't act to expectations.

 

Don't text, don't call.

 

If you break the pattern now, he's less likely to act this way again in future.

Don't you see the logic of that?

 

keep acting as expected - and expect more of the same, then....

[Tulip2006]

Thank you very much for your advice today, much appreciated

[TaraMaiden]

It's always easier outside the situation, but honestly - I can see this for what it is.

Do not contact him at all. Not tonight, not tomorrow - no time.

And let him try 2 or 3 times before you respond.....

let him make the first move, which doubtless will be in the guise of one of two methods:

Either jokey chatty and trying to be jovial - or trying to call you moody and sulky for prolonging this and dragging it on.

Either way, it will be trying to put the responsibility of events onto your shoulders. He will NOT see his part in this, at all.

 

At that point you should behave in an "All hell let loose" way.

Go for his jugular, all guns blazing.

ask him who the bloody hell does he think he is to pull the silent treatment over the weekend without any thought or consideration to what you had to do?

How dare he disappear and then jump back up and expect you to come crawling back, the simpering grateful little wall-flower?

 

You have to let him know such behaviour and treatment is completely unacceptable. You're a grown woman, with a responsible job, and a life you've led very successfully on your own up to now, so you don't like being treated like some little girl misbehaving....

Either he grows up and quits behaving this way - or he can go find some other simpering yes-girl, because you're not her.

 

Oooh, I'm getting so riled now!!

[gamman]

Hey Tulip. Look up the term "gaslighting." It might be extreme to apply that term to this situation, but when dealing with someone like this, I think it would good to be aware of what it is. You're a smart lady, Tulip. Good luck.