Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Briefly we split just over a week ago then reconciled, he finished it. Friday night and saturday morning he has ignored about 6 BBM from me and has now deleted me off BBM entirely. Finished?
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Go No Contact. Have nothing more to do with him. If he finished it - best consider it finished...... How long were you an item? What happened?
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 About 5 months, all was fine on friday until I got told I had to work at the weekend which ruined our plans after which he ignored me friday night and saturday morning then deleted me. He has done before when he finished it over a week ago then we reconciled and he added me back Now I just feel like I'm expecting it?
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Don't let him play you like a yo-yo. What is he, 9? If he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand that life does this sometimes, he's really not worth the time.... What do you do? (generally, I'm not probing....)
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Yeah, well, sometimes work sucks. "Working in finances" is a responsible job, career - vocation, even... and you need to be level-headed and mature..... I work in a job where the staff work shifts. I get called if someone else can't make their shift. It's tough, but it's money. In this day and age, employers call the shots. What does he do? Really, he sounds very immature - particularly as you're not bailing on purpose... You sure you need this? How attached are you really, to someone this passive-aggressive?
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 he has a 9 to 5 job and doesn;t do extra hours. I have to when things crop up and its expected I suppose that I work late or weekends if I have to. Very attached but can't deal with the drama of wondering are we off or not again
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 His cutting things off like this, and then expecting to just be able to pick up where he left off, is typically passive-aggressive, manipulative and extremely childish. I suggest, if I may, that you cut off contact completely, until such a time as he's back asking you if he can come out to play again - please?? I don't normally advise playing people at their own games, or turning the tables, but if you're emotionally invested, it's time now - while things are still 'fresh' to let him know what's what, what you will take, and what you won't take. you know what they say, "Crap on me once, more fool you. Crap on me twice, more fool me." He might have got away with it once, but that's enough now. Go No contact, do not respond, do not react, do not reply. Have a look at the Caliguy No Contact Guide in my signature. if he's serious about taking this further, he will make it very clear, and apologise for being a manipulative jerk. if he draws on desperate measures, begging, insulting, threats, that kind of thing - then listen: he's not serious relationship material.....
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Thank you very much He has just been in touch and I am going to think about what to do
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 That I over reacted in thinking we were over? and that I should call him to talk and relax as he doesn't want to finish.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Well there you go. That's manipulation at its most subtle... He's the one who cut contact, yet you're the one thinking it's over. You should call him and relax? How very gracious and generous of him. You can relax and call him now, he's ready to talk to you.... HE doesn't want to finish? So there you go - he is playing yo-yo with you again... he decides when the contact can be re-implemented, when you can call him, and when it's finished? Seriously - if you call him, this is just setting you up for more of the same... You know, I'm so mad on your behalf right now... the infernal damned cheek of the man. Like you're so hard up, that him calling the shots is doing you a favour - ?! Who the phukk does he think he is? You have to work this weekend, thereby your work ruining your plans - AND you have to contend with a prissy jumped-up little oik who takes umbrage and manipulates you, thereby making your weekend even more miserable?? Please - please don't do this.... PLEASE!! 1
gamman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 He's got a lot of growing and learning to do mentally/emotionally about people and relationships. He's not ready for a serious relationship. But, enough about him. You're too good to accept this type of behavior. Listen carefully to what TaraMaiden has said directly above.
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Difficult one I had said I thought we were finished and the more times it happens the less I want to try, and that maybe we should take a week to decide what we both want That was his reply, that no we hadnt finished and it was a storm in a teacup
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Why is this all by his definition? Why is he the one calling the shots? A storm in a teacup lasts an hour. Not a whole damn weekend when he throws a fit of the sulks and then HE decides when things can start up again. Not when he deltes you of BBM and goes incommunicado. What the f.uc.k does he think this is? He throws a dicky fit then tells you when it's ok to resume proceedings? TELL him - don't suggest - TELL him that you will contact him next weekend (friday evening) during which time you hope he will think about his manipulative passive-aggressive behaviour and decide which way he intends to go, because you're no pushover, you deserve more respect, better communication and some consideration for the fact that work is what it is. if he intends to keep pulling this immature crap, then you don't want to deal with a 9-year old in a relationship, thank you very much.
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Blimey!!!! I do need to break this pattern yes. Otherwise I see it happening again.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Well, if he's done it before, and he's doing it again, and you keep bouncing back when he yanks your string, then yes. it will happen again. It's a subtle and insidious form of control. And any form of control erodes your own will-power so that however slight and subtle it is, you eventually stop thinking clearly, and become somehow convinced that this is the way things go, they're right, and you're wrong..... Uh-huh, no sir.... Is he older than you?
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 "Daddy thinks his little girl needs putting in the naughty corner again". You may be lovers and in a relationship, but somehow, he believes he's also responsible for modifying your behaviour. Unfortunately - it's common. particularly in older men who are prone to a fit of the sulks and play the passive-aggressive card... like the little boy who's had his ball and bat taken.
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 when you say passive agressive what exactly do you mean?
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Passive-aggressive is when , instead of staying, even if it means having an argument or shouting match, one partner metaphorically storms out slamming the door behind them, thereby abruptly ending the possibility of any constructive dialogue. You basically are forced into the position of having to wait for them to calm down/come round, and until they do, you have to sit and seethe on things you may have every entitlement to say. but they remove that opportunity.... They then come back, all sweetness and light, as if nothing's happened (rather like a tea/pee-break during the adverts) and seem surprised when you are still waiting to have the opportunity to say your piece and get it off your chest... "What? oh for goodness' sake - that was 'sooo yesterday!' Forget it, come on, let's watch X-factor!" and off they gaily go. That's controlling, manipulative and leave you feeling frustrated, un-heard and resentful. And they seem to think you're making a mountain out of a mole-hill, so suddenly it's all your fault for being moody. Back in your lap, all over again. 1
Author Tulip2006 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 ouch that hits home I am afraid. Yes that does happen, but afterwards I can't switch back to like nothing has happened
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 That describes it perfectly. he's all fine and dandy, but he expects you to snap back as if nothing has happened.... This will create a really bad dynamic in your relationship. It will get to the point where his attention will be a reward, and you'll get 'treats' for good behaviour. And the sex will disappear altogether.....
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