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do you consider this cheating? what would you do?

lostintheworld

By lostintheworld
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
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Yes, we had a conversation about it. She has not cheated on me. Everything that he emailed about was from before she even knew me.

 

And yes, I was looking through her email because of past lies. I love her but it is obvious that she does not have the same respect for the relationship that I do.

 

You aren't married and you don't have kids together. Why put yourself though all of this drama? She's acting slutty with some other guy and it makes you crazy - this is perfectly understandable. If you were married than it might be worth working to reconcile with her, but it's crazy to go through all of this in your situation. Dump her now. Life's too short. You will never regret breaking it off with her and moving on with your life.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
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I've occasionally browsed these forums but only today decided to register and get some opinions on something that is bothering me.

 

Long story short - I saw my girlfriends email and she had an email from someone she used to see.. Here is almost the exact conversation:

 

Him:I know it's a long shot, but I wanted to write and see if you're available my sweet.

 

Her:Hi. Thank you for writing. I actually haven't checked this email in months...I almost for got I had it! Anyway, long story short, I have made some big changes in my life. I'm in a stable relationship now. I wanted to say thank you for thinking of me, we definitely had some fun and I hope you are well. I just can't really go that route anymore, for so many reasons. I'm not judging at all...but for me, i was playing with fire and could not handle it! I thought about you one day recently when I was near your apartment. Wishing you all the best.

xo

 

Ok, so far, she isn't really crossing the line......so far.

 

 

Him:Hi sweetie,

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. You're an amazing woman. I find you incredibly sexy and really enjoyed playing with you.

 

Now HE is crossing the line. He is trying to woo her. He's a player and trying to flatter her hoping she will take his bait and hook up with him.

 

 

Her:Thank you so much. That made me feel good :) You are such a great guy.

 

Aww, isn't that sweet?:sick: Now your gf is starting to get flaky here. First off, a guy that is trying to whisper sweet nothings in a taken woman's ear is NOT a great guy.

 

 

Please check in from time to time if you're feelin it. I have no idea where things will lead, and it's nice to have a friend. Not just "that" kind of friend. Take care!

 

I'm mixed here. She is basically telling him she doesn't want to mess around, but at the same time wanting the communication to remain open, which is a HUGE disrespect to you.

 

 

Him:Hello my sweet,

 

I was thinking about you this morning so decided to quickly write this note.

 

"NOT SURE IF I CAN POST WHAT HE WROTE -- TO SUMMARIZE IT WAS JUST HOW HE MASTURBATED TO HER PICS"

 

It also made me think how hot mutual masturbation is. I know you're being a good girl, but if you ever want to drop by and experience a hot masturbation scenario, I'd be so game. We won't even touch each other, just watch. That makes it even hotter.

 

Sorry to keep tempting you, but I can't help it.

 

Her:definitely hot!!!

 

Ok, NOW I'd be pissed if I were you.

 

 

 

I want to break it off. Am I being too harsh?

 

No, I'd tell her you read the correspondence and that she thinks its ok to keep talking to a guy she used to be with, wants to masturbate with her, and that she thinks its "hot".

 

Tell her to fk off, and that your done so you can find a girl that knows the meaning of commitment and respect.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
Posted
How am I supposed to trust her after this?

 

You can't. She is an untrustworthy, disrespectful tart. Get rid of her and don't shed a tear about it. There are better women to be had.

seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
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You need to get your head out of the hole of denial, and confront her.

 

Tell her you saw the emails between she and her ex, you will not tolarate this behavior, and she needs to pack her things and move out. Her reaction will speak volumes on whether you should invest one more millisecond on this relationship.

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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I am going to confront her today...incredibly nervous.

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
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I am going to confront her today...incredibly nervous.

 

Good luck..keep us posted.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
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Yep!

 

A good definition of cheating is saying something or doing something that you wouldn't do infront of your SO. SO, yeah....that's cheating. Personally, I would gage her response. Ask to borrow her phone. Tell her that you phone died and you need to make a phonecall. Gage her reaction.

meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
Posted

Wait a minute...

 

I don't know why you are so upset with her. First of all, she said she has made changes in her life and that she is in a stable relationship..she can't go down that path anymore. That ?eans that's she is telling this guy that she has moved on.

 

All the other stuff is her acknowleging his attemp to contact her. She is being cordial with the guy and agreeing that what they had before was fun.

 

As for the masterbation thing, I don't know what her response was to that but all I saw was her again, agreeding that its hot. I didn't see where she said said she wanted to do it with him. I did not see her say anything about sneaking off with him or hide it from you.

 

I think you need to trust her. She's with you and she has made it clear to him. Unless she has a histor of cheating, you need to calm down.

 

 

We all have memories with people outside of our intimate relationships and you can't expect her not to have those. Also can't freak out everytime someone from her past comes around. You aren't the only person she is allowed to have feelings for. Obviously there are verying degrees.

 

My advice to you is rather then freaking out and causing distance between you to, you need to be foused on your relationship. Make sure that she is happy so she doesn't end up running off with that guy.

 

 

Don't give her a reason to want to and she won't.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
Posted
Wait a minute...

 

I don't know why you are so upset with her. First of all, she said she has made changes in her life and that she is in a stable relationship..she can't go down that path anymore. That ?eans that's she is telling this guy that she has moved on.

 

Maybe you missed the part where she plans to keep communication with a guy who still wants her open. You think OP should just put up with that?

 

 

All the other stuff is her acknowleging his attemp to contact her. She is being cordial with the guy and agreeing that what they had before was fun.

 

As for the masterbation thing, I don't know what her response was to that but all I saw was her again, agreeding that its hot.

 

If this was just a case of her being "cordial", she would have told him that isn't appropriate, not that it was "hot". Really? "all" you saw was her saying that its "hot"? Thats "all" it was?

 

And she STILL plans on keeping communication open with him after knowing his intentions?

 

He has every right to be pissed off about this.

 

I think you need to trust her. She's with you and she has made it clear to him.

 

Uh, no, she has NOT made it clear to him. What she did by telling the other guy that the idea of sex over the phone was "hot" was indicate to him that its ok with her that, even though she has a boyfriend, its ok for a guy that wants this type of contact to keep on contacting her.

 

If she is to be trusted, she would have told him that his suggestion was inappropriate and not going to happen. She didn't. She left the door open.

 

We all have memories with people outside of our intimate relationships and you can't expect her not to have those.

 

Not talking about "memories", talking about ongoing contact with a guy that wants to jack off on the phone with her. Inappropriate, end of story.

 

 

Also can't freak out everytime someone from her past comes around.

 

 

This isn't a case of someone just coming around. Its a case of his gf not going to stop contact with a guy that has informed her of his intentions and desires. He wants her, wants to have phone sex with her, and she isn't going to stop contact with him. She says its "hot". Nothing to trust about that.

 

My advice to you is rather then freaking out and causing distance between you to, you need to be foused on your relationship. Make sure that she is happy so she doesn't end up running off with that guy.

 

So your advice is for him to put up with his gf having contact with a guy that wants phone sex and she thinks its hot and won't put the brakes on it?

 

 

Don't give her a reason to want to and she won't.

 

She already wants to, otherwise she'd have told the guy that type of contact is inappropriate. Get real.

meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
Posted

Some people, my bf for example has a hard time with being confrontational. Maybe what yyou see as her leaving the door open is her saying "No," without saying no. Some people are too nice for their own good. I don't know the girl or her history so I can't sayshe is guilty as charged.

 

I'm also not saying that the OP should put up with it, especially if its going to be an ongoing thing. "Don't be a stranger could mean "every 3 mo or so update me on how you are doing." Or.. check in every once in a while. It certainly does not mean let's meet up ever Friday for lunch or text me ever other night for hours on end. If her bf is bothered by this behavior (which he has the right to be concerned) he should talk to her about it.

 

If you are asking us if this is cheating you probably need to have that talk with her and set some kind of boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable behavior in the relationship. If your gf. Tell how u feel about all of this and work it out with her. I don't think flipping the * out as if u just found a ditry condom under her bed next to some guy's boxers on her beroom floor is a good angle to come from...

seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
Posted

So, what happened Lost?

 

Did you confront her?

MonsterMash Established Member

MonsterMash

Posted
Posted
So, what happened Lost?

 

Did you confront her?

 

They kissed and made up. They never come back when they are working it out. But he'll be back in a few months saying "I should have listened."

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

Posted
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Sorry for taking so long to post back.

 

She told me that she had been trying to find a way to tell me about the emails and she knew what she was doing was wrong. She was not going to take it any further and had been planning to delete the email that day after work. She cried and cried from around 4 pm until she fell asleep at 4 am. She stayed home yesterday and it seemed like things were better by the second half of the day. Any questions?

 

Maybe I am dumb to continue this relationship but she seemed so genuinely sad to have hurt me and she said that life wasn't worth living without me.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Maybe I am dumb to continue this relationship but she seemed so genuinely sad to have hurt me and she said that life wasn't worth living without me.

I am sure she was genuinely sad - but I also believe she was genuinely sad to have been CAUGHT.

 

She was not going to take it any further and had been planning to delete the email that day after work.

You need to ask yourself why she allowed the conversation in the first place and why she hadn't already deleted the email.

 

I would suggest keeping up your guard and look for signs in the future. She knows you are reading her emails so she is going to be on her guard as well, so you have inadvertently created a level of distrust in the relationship that will take time to rebuild.

 

This part is critical: Because of the distrust that now exists between you two, you have to work on mending those fences with lots of full disclosure on your intentions and actions.

 

You will be constantly wondering if she's emailing someone and she'll be constantly wondering if you are checking her email. This is a precarious time for both of you and only you can decide if you can continue along those lines.

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

Posted
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I am sure she was genuinely sad - but I also believe she was genuinely sad to have been CAUGHT.

 

 

You need to ask yourself why she allowed the conversation in the first place and why she hadn't already deleted the email.

 

I would suggest keeping up your guard and look for signs in the future. She knows you are reading her emails so she is going to be on her guard as well, so you have inadvertently created a level of distrust in the relationship that will take time to rebuild.

 

This part is critical: Because of the distrust that now exists between you two, you have to work on mending those fences with lots of full disclosure on your intentions and actions.

 

You will be constantly wondering if she's emailing someone and she'll be constantly wondering if you are checking her email. This is a precarious time for both of you and only you can decide if you can continue along those lines.

 

She actually does not know that I read her email.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted
She actually does not know that I read her email.

How did the discussion come about? Did she openly confess without being prodded?

Jack32 Member

Jack32

Posted
Posted

Well she sounds like she wants to keep her options open just in case things dont work out. The fact that she doesn't mind the guy sending her emails constantly even after telling him she is in a relationship is pretty telling too. Sounds like she is not too committed.

  • Like 1
meeji Established Member

meeji

Posted
Posted
She actually does not know that I read her email.
I would be very upset to know that my boyfriend was going to my mail without my knowlege. I don't have anything to hide there but the fact that he needed to spy on me would probably be the end of our relationship to be honest. Relationships with trust issues don't work.
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
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I would confront not play games with it and ask exactly why she did want to engage in sexual conversation.......she should have pulled the ex up on that.....it shouldn't sound hot to her .....she should have been angry that he suggested mutual masturbation and totally disregarded her relationship status....should have been a swift and permanent cut off ....but then she might have felt awkward and unsure of what to say to that.......I think a talk is necessary and i think the op shouldnt wait to catch her out or let things liek this develop ....the trust is going to be shaky.......i think couples counselling might help if that is the case......best wishes........deb

PlanB123 Member

PlanB123

Posted
Posted

i wouldn't consider this cheating but the problem is with her attitude to a guy like this.

 

ideally you want your girl to shut him down as soon as he starts with this sort of ****.

 

if your girl gets approached in a club you want her to turn into a statue and blank the guy or tell him to **** off.

 

your girl will likely talk and flirt and flirt and say its all harmless fun. but these types of girls put themselves in more situations where cheating can happen.

 

like she'll meet this guy with the intention of just going for coffee but then end up ****ing him and will say 'it just happened'.

 

a good girl in this email situation would just give him a short polite reply, let him know she's in a happy relationship and then ignore any future attempts by him to communicate.

 

so yeah, not good mate.

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