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do you consider this cheating? what would you do?

lostintheworld

By lostintheworld
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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I've occasionally browsed these forums but only today decided to register and get some opinions on something that is bothering me.

 

Long story short - I saw my girlfriends email and she had an email from someone she used to see.. Here is almost the exact conversation:

 

Him:I know it's a long shot, but I wanted to write and see if you're available my sweet.

 

Her:Hi. Thank you for writing. I actually haven't checked this email in months...I almost for got I had it! Anyway, long story short, I have made some big changes in my life. I'm in a stable relationship now. I wanted to say thank you for thinking of me, we definitely had some fun and I hope you are well. I just can't really go that route anymore, for so many reasons. I'm not judging at all...but for me, i was playing with fire and could not handle it! I thought about you one day recently when I was near your apartment. Wishing you all the best.

xo

 

Him:Hi sweetie,

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. You're an amazing woman. I find you incredibly sexy and really enjoyed playing with you.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wish you all the best.

 

Her:Thank you so much. That made me feel good :) You are such a great guy. Please check in from time to time if you're feelin it. I have no idea where things will lead, and it's nice to have a friend. Not just "that" kind of friend. Take care!

 

Him:Hello my sweet,

 

I was thinking about you this morning so decided to quickly write this note.

 

"NOT SURE IF I CAN POST WHAT HE WROTE -- TO SUMMARIZE IT WAS JUST HOW HE MASTURBATED TO HER PICS"

 

It also made me think how hot mutual masturbation is. I know you're being a good girl, but if you ever want to drop by and experience a hot masturbation scenario, I'd be so game. We won't even touch each other, just watch. That makes it even hotter.

 

Sorry to keep tempting you, but I can't help it.

 

Her:definitely hot!!!

 

I want to break it off. Am I being too harsh? I have never been so angry in my life as when I read this e-mail correspondence.

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions and opinions.

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

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I would definitely consider that cheating. If your partner feels the need to hide something from you, then they probably shouldn't be doing it..that's the rule I go by at least. Have you confronted her?

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MonsterMash Established Member

MonsterMash

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Monitor her activities. If she decides to go see this guy, break up with her immediately. If she really wants to do it, you won't stop her. Confronting her now will just make her hide it better.

 

Keep your cool, and continue gathering evidence. Its telling though that she didn't go off on him for sending an explicit email since shes supposedly in a committed relationship.

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

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Monitor her activities. If she decides to go see this guy, break up with her immediately. If she really wants to do it, you won't stop her. Confronting her now will just make her hide it better.

 

Keep your cool, and continue gathering evidence. Its telling though that she didn't go off on him for sending an explicit email since shes supposedly in a committed relationship.

 

That sounds miserable..to have to be constantly vigilant instead of happy in a relationship. I would say confront her now.

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MonsterMash Established Member

MonsterMash

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That sounds miserable..to have to be constantly vigilant instead of happy in a relationship. I would say confront her now.

 

Its not going to take long. Once her whoremones realign she'll run back to the ex.

 

The reason I suggested this approach is when she tries to lie and play her Jedi mind tricks on him, he'll have his proof in hand and can destroy her defense. It is a little more miserable in the beginning .....but it doesn't hurt near as long or bad at the end.

MonsterMash Established Member

MonsterMash

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Besides....shes technically not done anything right now and thats gonna be her defense. And she'll lie and promise and everything she has to do to keep the status quo. Then she'll hide it better and he will find out years down the road shes been unfaithful for a long time.

 

Better to catch her and bust her early. She hasn't quite done enough to be busted yet.

KraftDinner Established Member

KraftDinner

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What is the point of "busting" her? Do you score points when you"bust" someone?

 

Anyway...OP, the first email she wrote was really good...but the more I read I was like NO. Is it a dealbreaker? I dunno, but for me it would be a trustbreaker. It doesn't sound like she's planning on cheating but it does sound like she is keeping her options open, like others have said.

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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How am I supposed to trust her after this? We have been together for 1 year and we live together. I love her like I've never loved anyone and as silly as it seems, I know she loves me more than anyone.

 

I don't understand how someone can do this to the person they love..especially through the things that she has been through and I have stuck by her through everything.

 

Thanks for everyones responses.

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

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Its not going to take long. Once her whoremones realign she'll run back to the ex.

 

The reason I suggested this approach is when she tries to lie and play her Jedi mind tricks on him, he'll have his proof in hand and can destroy her defense. It is a little more miserable in the beginning .....but it doesn't hurt near as long or bad at the end.

 

It hurts just as much either way. This is a very immature and pointless approach. He doesn't need to destroy her, what good does that do him? He might feel better about it for a minute, but in the long run, he'll be disgusted with himself.

 

OP, you really need to talk to her about this. See what she says. It's up to you now..you have to decide if this is something you can work through with her or not.

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MonsterMash Established Member

MonsterMash

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How am I supposed to trust her after this? We have been together for 1 year and we live together. I love her like I've never loved anyone and as silly as it seems, I know she loves me more than anyone.

 

I don't understand how someone can do this to the person they love..especially through the things that she has been through and I have stuck by her through everything.

 

Thanks for everyones responses.

 

This is why I say what I say. The OP is in the shock stage. He doesn't WANT to believe it. He says it clearly: "I don't understand!" What he's REALLY saying is "Tell me something so I can believe you and we can go back to how we were."

 

And she will do that. She'll tell him what he WANTS TO HEAR, and then continue on like it never happened. And the next time her ex contacts her, she'll take it ever further underground. And it will take that much longer for him to heal and recover.

 

He doesn't need to destroy her, what good does that do him?

 

Turn about is fair play IMO. He's not exactly jumping at joy at her behavior so far is he? Why are you so quick to defend HER, when she obviously doesn't give a damn about how shes hurting him? It does him very well actually. He can punk her out like she DESERVES, and then leave her in the gutter where she belongs.

 

Maybe she'll think twice the next time she gets the bright idea to screw someone over.

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freestyle Established Member

freestyle

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Discussing anything of a sexual nature with an ex, when you're in an exclusive relationship ---would be a complete dealbreaker for me. It's a slap in the face (and heart) that I wouldn't be able to get past.

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ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

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This is why I say what I say. The OP is in the shock stage. He doesn't WANT to believe it. He says it clearly: "I don't understand!" What he's REALLY saying is "Tell me something so I can believe you and we can go back to how we were."

 

And she will do that. She'll tell him what he WANTS TO HEAR, and then continue on like it never happened. And the next time her ex contacts her, she'll take it ever further underground. And it will take that much longer for him to heal and recover.

 

 

 

Turn about is fair play IMO. He's not exactly jumping at joy at her behavior so far is he? Why are you so quick to defend HER, when she obviously doesn't give a damn about how shes hurting him? It does him very well actually. He can punk her out like she DESERVES, and then leave her in the gutter where she belongs.

 

Maybe she'll think twice the next time she gets the bright idea to screw someone over.

 

Again, very immature. Who cares about teaching her lessons about her future relationships? They don't concern the OP..why should he help her with them? He needs to do what's right for HIMSELF and not worry about what's right for her.

 

Where do you get the idea that I'm defending her? I'm not..not at all..I'm saying the OP should confront her and then decide what to do from there. Then he can decide whether or not he wants to work through this with her. He could decide that he can never trust her again, in which case he should leave, or he could decide that he loves her and believes her and that he wants to give her another chance. But he has to talk to her about it first. Again..it's all about what HE wants.

Darren Steez Established Member

Darren Steez

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How am I supposed to trust her after this? We have been together for 1 year and we live together. I love her like I've never loved anyone and as silly as it seems, I know she loves me more than anyone.

 

I don't understand how someone can do this to the person they love..especially through the things that she has been through and I have stuck by her through everything.

 

Thanks for everyones responses.

 

Right on the money, people seem to think there are varying degrees of cheating you can get away with. IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU DON'T DO THIS PERIOD

 

Trust is an incredibly important part of a relationship, no matter what she says from this point on, you will never trust her as fully as you did before you read that e-mail, never.

 

Love will probably mean you won't kick her to the curb yet, not sure if you want a life with someone who is talking about wanking in front of somebody else.

Halloween New Member

Halloween

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Totally inappropriate conversation. But I am thinking there were already issues with trust if you are reading her emails.

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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There are already trust issues. I hate looking at her phone..makes me feel like scum. However, she has lied to me in the past and I still don't know what to do.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Hold on.

 

 

He said " he enjoyed playing with her". And then she mentioned she did not want to play with fire.................

It sounds to me like she has already met up with him and cheated.

 

Even if she has not physicall cheated, it is not at all appropriate of her to respond to his dirty messages.

If she loves you and truly wants to be with you, she should stop and respect your relationship. But something tells me you will not be able to trust her enough to be happy in the long term.

 

And for you to even give her a CHANCE, she should apologise profusely and promise to NEVER talk like that with another guy again.

If she is not that remorseful then end it.

Only if she is reall sorry and feels bad about hurting you, I would tell her that: it will take some serious work for me to be able to trust you after this.

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Minka333 Established Member

Minka333

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I agree with the posters above.

 

I personally can't stomach doing dirty talk with any ex coz' in the first place i wouldn't have the lust, desire and zest to converse with them in a sexual way anymore.

 

If i truly love the one i'm with, i'll solely reserve all my naughty thoughts with him.

 

I'm guessing the other guy is teasing her coz' he might be thinking one way or another she will cave in..or he prolly knows she is weak to temptation that's why he is so brazen. He is disrespecting her because he thinks he could get away with it. At the same time she is disrespecting you by playing along with it.

 

You guys need a serious talk about this.

MonsterMash Established Member

MonsterMash

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Hold on.

 

 

He said " he enjoyed playing with her". And then she mentioned she did not want to play with fire.................

It sounds to me like she has already met up with him and cheated.

 

Even if she has not physicall cheated, it is not at all appropriate of her to respond to his dirty messages.

If she loves you and truly wants to be with you, she should stop and respect your relationship. But something tells me you will not be able to trust her enough to be happy in the long term.

 

And for you to even give her a CHANCE, she should apologise profusely and promise to NEVER talk like that with another guy again.

If she is not that remorseful then end it.

Only if she is reall sorry and feels bad about hurting you, I would tell her that: it will take some serious work for me to be able to trust you after this.

 

 

 

Good catch.

 

I changed my mind. Its time for the nuclear option. Confront her and toss her out in the street where she belongs. You've got enough evidence.

 

Get rid of her.

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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How do I know that she isn't going to just change her password and keep in contact behind my back? How do I trust her again if I will constantly be thinking if she is hiding stuff from me?

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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Hold on.

 

 

He said " he enjoyed playing with her". And then she mentioned she did not want to play with fire.................

It sounds to me like she has already met up with him and cheated.

 

Even if she has not physicall cheated, it is not at all appropriate of her to respond to his dirty messages.

If she loves you and truly wants to be with you, she should stop and respect your relationship. But something tells me you will not be able to trust her enough to be happy in the long term.

 

And for you to even give her a CHANCE, she should apologise profusely and promise to NEVER talk like that with another guy again.

If she is not that remorseful then end it.

Only if she is reall sorry and feels bad about hurting you, I would tell her that: it will take some serious work for me to be able to trust you after this.

 

Thing is..I already had this conversation with her where she texted with a guy about groping each other.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Thing is..I already had this conversation with her where she texted with a guy about groping each other.

 

 

Did you have a conversation about that specific message?

 

Look, some people really just have poor boundaries, even with people they truly LOVE. She may be one of those girls.

But I am still unsure of the text exchanges: he mentioned that he touched her. Was she with YOU while that happened? Or, was he infering to BEFORE you and your girlfriend started dating?

 

If the message was sent recently, I would be very suspiscious.....

Work out if she has already cheated on you; then you have whole other thing to think about. Having no boundaries and acting inappropriately is ONE thing; actually cheating is more serious.

 

In any case, you need to either break up with her, or tell her that you deserve a girl who does not go around talking dirty to other men. That ou will take a long time to recover from this, and she will have to win your trust back.

 

Only bother with his one if you feel she is the love of your life; it will be very hard work on both of your parts, if your both willing to make things work. It would be easier in the long run if you just broke it off.....

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

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Thing is..I already had this conversation with her where she texted with a guy about groping each other.

 

So you already didn't trust her? Is that why you were looking through her emails?

 

It sounds like the trust is already gone..and you sound like you already know what you want to do...

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lostintheworld New Member

lostintheworld

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Did you have a conversation about that specific message?

 

Look, some people really just have poor boundaries, even with people they truly LOVE. She may be one of those girls.

But I am still unsure of the text exchanges: he mentioned that he touched her. Was she with YOU while that happened? Or, was he infering to BEFORE you and your girlfriend started dating?

 

If the message was sent recently, I would be very suspiscious.....

Work out if she has already cheated on you; then you have whole other thing to think about. Having no boundaries and acting inappropriately is ONE thing; actually cheating is more serious.

 

In any case, you need to either break up with her, or tell her that you deserve a girl who does not go around talking dirty to other men. That ou will take a long time to recover from this, and she will have to win your trust back.

 

Only bother with his one if you feel she is the love of your life; it will be very hard work on both of your parts, if your both willing to make things work. It would be easier in the long run if you just broke it off.....

 

Yes, we had a conversation about it. She has not cheated on me. Everything that he emailed about was from before she even knew me.

 

And yes, I was looking through her email because of past lies. I love her but it is obvious that she does not have the same respect for the relationship that I do.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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If it was 2 weeks, maybe a month, okay... Keeping options open is an aspect of dating, but in an established, exclusive relationship any sexual activity is cheating, in my book. She's cheated.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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She turned him down and he kept prodding. I'm not sure the fact that she is having the discussion is grounds for breaking up.

 

However, you are on a slippery slope of reading emails and snooping around because you don't trust her. That level of trust goes both ways and if you want a truly open and honest relationship, you need to come clean about reading her emails just as she should come clean about her intentions.

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