Juniper2 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 (edited) Hi I am having a hard time with my boyfriend of 3 years and could do with some advice. We live together. Over the past 6 weeks he has been coming home from work more and more exhausted. He works 8am to 4pm 5 days a week, with some additional duties 1 to 2 evenings a week for an hour or two. He brings home some work too maybe a couple of hours a week. Over the weekend he is still exhausted but doesn't go out or do anything apart from be at home. I am recovering from a long term illness and he supports me. Something which I am very grateful for as I wouldn't have been able to try and get better like this without his financial help. He is a pretty quiet person - doesn't talk much, doesn't have much to say. I do everything at home so that he has nothing to do when he comes home in the evening. Dinner is made, laundry done, everything cleaned and tidied. Because of his tiredness I have been encouraging him to spend time doing things he likes and telling him to sleep more. Still things are stressful at home. I asked him this morning if there was a reason why he's not affectionate towards me as I feel like he's not interested in me when I try and cuddle him. He flew off the handle and got very upset with me, stormed off upstairs and started crying. I tried talking to him and he said he didn't have the emotional energy to talk to me because I was complaining about him again. I wasn't trying to complain about him but was trying to express my feelings about how he's making me feel. I find it really hard to show him support and love when he can't even give me a kiss back. This has all been getting progressively worse for some time now. But it's only just reached this level over the past 6 weeks. I don't know what more I can do for him. I feel really upset with what's going on. A few hours after his outburst he came to speak to be and tell me he was sorry and that he is emotionally exhausted and can't cope with things right now. I don't know what he's emotionally exhausted about - I barely talk to him in the evenings or over the weekend! He says he loves me but I don't see how he does. I keep trying, every day to make his life better but I just feel pushed away. I have completely shut down from him and could only respond with 'ok' and thank you when he apologised. I just can't keep getting sucked into this stuff with him. I am thinking very seriously about getting a job (despite not being quite up to it but I know if I push myself I might manage), and move away from him. I feel awful but I can't make him behave lovingly towards me. I have asked him about the possibility of him cheating on me because that is how I feel - but he says he's not. I also don't know when he would be as he seems to go to work and come home. Although I do realise that where there's a will, there's a way. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you Edited October 7, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Something is up with him, either he's depressed (same routine, day in and day out etc) and that could be why he's withdrawn and detached, or maybe he's just unhappy overall with everything in his life. I would hope though, if he isn't happy in the relationship, he'd just talk to you - So together things can be solved and worked out, or you two break up. Maybe he is feeling pressured being the one who works? If you look for a job, start off part time, a few days a week. Your health (and mental health) comes first. Anyway, it's obvious he can't 'talk' about whatever is going on inside him, so why not write him a letter? not an email, a handwritten letter. Tell him how you feel and why. Make sure he understands that you're not picking or nagging at him but you need him to be open and honest..That IF he is unhappy in the relationship, you'd rather know than not know. Don't accuse him of cheating right now, that will shut him down. Focus on his distance and excluding you, his detachment and how it got to this.. Ask him to write you back, to speak from his heart. He owes you the respect and honesty of letting you know how he feels and why.
Author Juniper2 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Thank you for your reply. It sounds very much like what is going on. I just don't know what to do to help anymore. I have tried writing to him before. I shall try again like you've suggested. Really thankful for your words.
kookybunny Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Do you have parents or friends that you can move in with for a while? I would do that as soon as possible. I wouldn't talk to him about it. He doesn't seem capable of it and would likely cause pain for both of you. He is probably feeling alot of pressure. How long have you been together? The majority of men these days are not emotionally balanced people capable of supporting themselves, let alone someone else. Sorry to say. I think getting a job is a good idea too. Also, look into the possibilty of governement assistance for your health issues. Short term help is sometimes available. I was in a similar situation and was pleasantly surprised.
strongnrelaxed Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Hey Juni. Sorry to hear about this. On another thread we just had this somewhat embarrassing drama war about men not being able to express their feelings. I am a man and I can tell you that it is not possible for men to share what is on their minds. This isn't because we don't want to, it is because generally speaking women do not handle this well. Sometimes we think we're being a good listener, but to the other person we just make matters worse. It only takes one or two times to break this trust with a man and he will stop sharing. This drives women crazy! If you have some time, pop over to the other thread about this and look at some of the negative responses to the men there. You can take sides if you like, but just keep in mind that all those negative responses to men. Then think - your man has been on the receiving end of that sort of craziness his whole life. it is not fair to you because maybe you never did this. You will have to ask the women here some hard questions about why they are so crappy to men. Maybe if some strong "real" women step up to these other women there will be less drama and your situation won't happen as much. In terms of your situation, it is probably better to just let him work it out. Anything you do to try to help will just make it worse. He will come back when he is ready. 1
xxoo Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I don't know what more I can do for him. I feel really upset with what's going on. A few hours after his outburst he came to speak to be and tell me he was sorry and that he is emotionally exhausted and can't cope with things right now. I don't know what he's emotionally exhausted about - I barely talk to him in the evenings or over the weekend! "I wish you could open up to me about what is going on. I feel pushed away and rejected. I love you and want to support you." You can't force him to share, but you can do your best to set the tone. Do work towards independence as you are able. Maybe he's stressed by your dependence on him? 1
strongnrelaxed Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Over the past 6 weeks he has been coming home from work more and more exhausted. He works (a lot) He brings home some work too maybe a couple of hours a week. Over the weekend he is still exhausted but doesn't go out or do anything apart from be at home. I am recovering from a long term illness and he supports me. He is a pretty quiet person - doesn't talk much, doesn't have much to say. Because of his tiredness I have been encouraging him to...and telling him to sleep more. Still things are stressful at home. He stormed off upstairs and started crying. I tried talking to him and he said he didn't have the emotional energy to talk to me because I was complaining about him again. I don't know what more I can do for him. I feel really upset with what's going on. A few hours after his outburst he came to speak to be and tell me he was sorry and that he is emotionally exhausted and can't cope with things right now. Juniper, If I may, after reading your post again, I tried to isolate the comments above. According to some, these things should not pressure a man. He should be strong and in control and just deal with it. Whether you realize this or not, the situation you describe for him can be intensely stressful - especially for a younger man. It might be hard to understand, but some societies (especially the UK) most men have a repetitive working class life to look forward to for the rest of their lives. They have no power, their vote does not count, and they are blamed for all the ills of society. It is truly a miserable existence. Add to that a spouse who is ill, and some pressures from her to talk and discuss things and you have a recipe for more pressure. He needs male friend with whom he can bond. I think your instincts to move out are good. This is a drastic move, but he may need this desperately but does not want to shirk his "duty" to you. This is very strong in men. Good luck. And sorry for the silliness that precedes. You need advice, not a lame griping session.
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