How soon in the dating process do you tell a guy that you have depressive episodes?

[Van Damm]

Hello there,

 

Will I be able to find someone who will date me regardless of my depressive episodes and social anxiety? I am 34, very into discovering self, I meditate, go to counselling. It won't be an overnight thing as I've had these episodes for several years and they pretty much ended all my relationships which would've gone the distance if I wasn't prone to this.

 

So I find myself in a conundrum - on the one hand I can not wait til I'm better before I date because there is no time frame and on the otherhand I'm not getting any younger, its a crucial time - I may want kids and I don't enjoy the idea of being an older parent, I want to be able to chase my kids round the park! SO I've decided that I'm just going to date regardless but I want to be truthful about the depressive episodes because in the past, when guys found this out later, they up and leave.

 

The epsidoes tend to last a few weeks to a month randomly so its not all the time - I'm pretty jovial and upbeat, arty, songwriter, not bad looking, I actually love who I truly am, the essence of who.I am even beyond all the creative stuff.

 

It just hurts that despite who I am, the brief spurts of depression became a dealbreaker, and after I'd invested emotionally into what I thought was a flourishing and somewhat serious relationship at the time.

 

Are there men out there who actually have the emotional intelligence and capacity to understand that having depression doesn't equate to who a person is? And that who I am is that happy go lucky person they experience 80% of the time?

 

It's soul destroying that a depressive episode can completely annihilate a relationship that was going rather well

 

So now I just have to tell the truth sooner than later to weed out the cold feeters?

 

How soon should I tell a date about my issues?

 

I'm confused and to be honest little freaked out about this and would appreciate some advice.

 

Cheers

Edited October 7, 2012 by Van Damm

[TaraMaiden]

I know this may sound ridiculous to your ears, but - why do you NEED to date?

Do you HAVE to have someone there?

Can't you consider striking 'dating' off your 'to-do' list until the question becomes minor, or insignificant?

Is it fair, on your part. to seek someone who will accept this?

[Van Damm]

Good questions Tara and I appreciate them.

 

I'm sure my post came across as a little desperate but funnily enough I also feel its not on my list of priorities BUT realistically I miss just having the company of the opposite sex. It's not the same as hanging out with friends. I also miss intimacy, SEX ans everything else that comes with a relationship. Think the point I'm trying to make is that throughout most my adult life I've had these episodes, I've been to therapy and still attending, I do yoga, I meditate - my life iS fulfilling, yet I would like to settle down and having these episodes may prevent this.

 

To never date because I have mental issues is ridiculous so yes I do feel I need to find a person who can embrace and be accepting of this but my worry is that it'd be very few and far between. I love the single life but I really would like to share my life with a special one, at some point. Doesn't have to be right this second, but certainly not when I've dried up

[TaraMaiden]

The only thing I can suggest is joining dating sites, or socialising with different groups, through hobbies... and making no secret of your condition.

If you're up-front about yourself (without leaving yourself vulnerable) hopefully, some good man will think "This is worth it, whatever comes"....

 

Easy to say, I know....

 

[Juniper2]

I think you should be open about your depression from the start. And yes dating websites might help. You could tell people about how things are for you before you even meet them - if they don't like it then their loss.

 

Having grown up around depression, I would welcome someone who was cheerful 80% of the time and depressed for a few weeks. I could understand and deal with that. So I'm sure there's a guy out there who could too!

[darkmoon]

i've come out as depressed, like a gay does over being gay, i was honest - so i know that nobody wants a burden or a misery-guts they provide awful company, and candidly, you might even get told that alot of people have problems not just you, which is true, or to stop moaning, don't give your self a bad name at least wait until a man is in love with you before you tell him, til then choose the topics you discuss, you know, like the song "Happy Talk"

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I would wait a while because you don't want him or her to leave you for that reason. I hate when I date guys and they come out with all their secrets on the first date it's like woah woah woah hang on there dude!

[GG3]

Hello there,

 

Will I be able to find someone who will date me regardless of my depressive episodes and social anxiety? I am 34, very into discovering self, I meditate, go to counselling. It won't be an overnight thing as I've had these episodes for several years and they pretty much ended all my relationships which would've gone the distance if I wasn't prone to this.

 

So I find myself in a conundrum - on the one hand I can not wait til I'm better before I date because there is no time frame and on the otherhand I'm not getting any younger, its a crucial time - I may want kids and I don't enjoy the idea of being an older parent, I want to be able to chase my kids round the park! SO I've decided that I'm just going to date regardless but I want to be truthful about the depressive episodes because in the past, when guys found this out later, they up and leave.

 

The epsidoes tend to last a few weeks to a month randomly so its not all the time - I'm pretty jovial and upbeat, arty, songwriter, not bad looking, I actually love who I truly am, the essence of who.I am even beyond all the creative stuff.

 

It just hurts that despite who I am, the brief spurts of depression became a dealbreaker, and after I'd invested emotionally into what I thought was a flourishing and somewhat serious relationship at the time.

 

Are there men out there who actually have the emotional intelligence and capacity to understand that having depression doesn't equate to who a person is? And that who I am is that happy go lucky person they experience 80% of the time?

 

It's soul destroying that a depressive episode can completely annihilate a relationship that was going rather well

 

So now I just have to tell the truth sooner than later to weed out the cold feeters?

 

How soon should I tell a date about my issues?

 

I'm confused and to be honest little freaked out about this and would appreciate some advice.

 

Cheers

 

Have you really had that much trouble? You sound so self-aware of it. I would think I would really respect that you told me and if you are happy 80% of the time...I think I would be willing to give it a shot. I have dated men with a lot of problems. One of them being bipolar and the main issue I had with that was his always blaming me for his issues instead of realizing that his moods were caused by something else and were not normal. Doesn't sound like you do that.

[Van Damm]

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate all.

 

Just want to add - Once they see me in that low state, they automatically assume I'll be this way 100% of the time, therefore I become an undesirable person to have kids with. I mean who wants a depressed mummy. But, I understand their worries and why they jump to these grand conclusions...*sighs*

 

I agree with some of the posters about coming clean at the start. I will do exactly that - displayed in my dating profile ans if a person isn't perturbed by this and messages me, then you know they're worth dating for sure...

 

It's catch 22 , while I'd prefer to totally overcome this before I date its just not realistic, I may never meet anyone until the end of time because maybe, just maybe that's how long it'll take to feel better.

 

When I have lows they are really low, I guess that's why my "80% happy go lucky self" dissolves from their memory.

 

Yep that's what I'll do put it out there. What have I got to loose. Nowt.

 

Thanks.

 

P.s I'm new here and glad to have somewhere to let off steam!

[River Rain]

I have depression and anxiety and had it pretty much my whole life. I was in intense therapy/medication until about 2 years ago. I put a restriction on myself that until I was able to have a clear head and learn to manage the episodes, that I would steer clear of any relationship because I felt it would complicate my healing. But I also thought it would be unfair for the other person. I don't know if that was the smartest decision or not, because it left me alone for 18 years. I'm 44 now and just started dating again last summer. I decided that I would be open and honest about my past and my struggles. But I'm also very clear about the fact I can manage things now, but that once in a while I struggle.

 

Someone here told me that it would be a good screening process to see if people were interested or not in me, despite the depression/anxiety. They were right.

 

For the most part, I think people see the real me, the positive person who wants to live life to its fullest. But the next guy I'm with has to be able to accept that I won't be all sunshine and lollipops 365 days a year also. I do make it clear that I try everything in my power to stay happy and not let the depression take over.

 

Honesty is the best policy, but you have to be ready for rejection unfortunately - which is tricky because rejection can make the depression worse.

[florence of suburbia]

What are you like when you have a depressive episode? Can you please describe?

 

If I were dating someone who went into a deep depression, I would feel better if I knew what to do ahead of time. Do you like to be supported and if so, how? Do you like to be left alone? Or, if you ask to be left alone while in the middle of a depressive phase, should I go along with it or insist on supporting you anyway?

[oaks]

How soon should I tell a date about my issues?

 

If you wait until you feel strongly enough about them that them leaving you due to you having one of these episodes will hurt you then you've waited too long... so, just sooner than that.

[Casablanca]

First thing I would do, I would talk to family and friends and get their opinion on the matter as they know you best.

 

Depending on what your friends say, I'd say it early in the dating process or maybe wait awhile.

 

If it something you can "hide" and I don't like that word, perhaps, if it is something that isn't normally very apparent, then I would wait. If a guy sees that your are normally stable and your depressive episodes are few and far between, there shouldn't be much issue.

 

Now if it is more apparent, then I'd be more up front

[Silly_Girl]

I met my boyfriend online. I was off work sick but pretty much okay by that point. I had recovered from some heavy panic attacks snd subsequently depression brought on by a break-up at the same time as falling ill and work stress (18mths build-up) that culminated in some serious bullying.

 

I was very open about the situation, whilst not going in to lots of 'gory' detail. He understood and was fine, in my opinion, because I was totally at peace with everything and taking proactive action where needed.

 

I think a lot of the reaction to such news depends on how you broach it and the place you're in at the time. Good idea above to couch it to friends and family beforehand as they may pick up any vibe, or may be able to help you to present it in the least dramatic way.

[kae]

Everyone is messed up! Some can appreciate your honesty and some people like to pretend the elephant isnt in the room. I think you shouldn`t say anything unless you start going through a depression again. We all get depressed so.. i dont see the big deal.. Labels really stigmatize people. Im not a fan.STUPID LABELS arrrg..

[Janesays]

It's weird to me that people care more about being a 'young Mom' than a 'financially responsible Mom,' or, in your case, a 'sane Mom.'

 

Listen, if your depressive episodes are sooooo bad that you get dumped by men that it was otherwise going really well with the second you have one, have you considered at all how that would affect your future children? Grown men have trouble dealing with it! Yet, you seem to want to hurry up and inflict it on a child just for the sake of being a 'young mom.'

 

I think you should really work on getting rid of these episodes once and for all before the thought of children even enters your mind. Your future children deserve that.

 

As for men....I think there are men out there who will help you through it. I had some tough times myself in the past and had people to help me. Just make it clear that you'd being willing to stand by them during their tough times and all should be well.