JustALittleBit Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 So I thought I was getting over him... and I think I am in the process of it (in NC and don't plan on breaking it) and I'm sure it will just take some time. I'm trying to just go through the stages, but it seems that as the anger is passing I'm starting to miss him.... guess that's normal? I'm going to persevere with NC regardless. I'm starting to do the 'what if's though. I sum the situation down to this: He started a relationship before he had fully come to terms with the break up of his last LTR and was still hurting from it. I don't know if he still wanted to be with her... he said he didn't, but I don't think he was ready to totally cut ties, which would suggest that there were still feelings there. I just don't know to what extent or anything. I'm wondering if my what ifs have any point to them or not. I know he liked me. I also know blanket statements don't work with relationships, because everyone is different. But... I think I was a rebound. Has anyone ever seen these relationships with their friends or anything, and seen what happened? Does a rebounder ever realise what they had with a reboundee? Or does that pretty much never happen because they're still hung up on the person before? It seems very surface to say that they have NO feelings for the reboundee, because they still spend time together. Also, I am well aware that these are probably the wrong questions to be asking and I should just be moving on but I have never been in this situation before and am struggling to understand it and what it means for me.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 The thing about "What If" questions, is that the questioner never sits to answer them... They just ask, and keep wondering. What questions do you have? Write them down, and answer them with the first impulse, knee-jerk answer you get coming to mind. That might help.
Author JustALittleBit Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 But I don't think that would help... maybe on the one hand my gut would tell my something, but what about just projecting what I want the answer to be onto the situation? Because I really can't know what he's thinking. I also want to add (tried to edit but couldn't) that when I think of a rebound relationship I think of it as being a relationship pretty much purely to get over the last one. But I think ours was more like we met, clicked, he pursued without realising he wasn't ready... then liked me so kept it going... almost more a case of bad timing. But likewise, that's just one dimension of it, the other dimension is that realistically he wasn't over his ex. So I don't know if I should be viewing it more as poor timing, or like no... REBOUND pure and simple.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 What do you want? Closure? to know what he was thinking? neither option is possible. The first one has to come from you, and the way to gain closure is to let it go. The second you will never get to the bottom of, because it's most likely that he didn't know either. Questions asked of the ex- rarely bring up the truth. Drop the mental machinations. All they do is tie your mind in knots, confuse you and bewilder you, and stop you from enjoying life. 2
Author JustALittleBit Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Very true, especially that he probably wouldn't know anyway. Although I don't understand how someone can not know, I think you are right. I'm not sure if I want closure. I guess I want to know whether to leave the door slightly open for him or slam it shut. Then again, that's only if he contacts me since I won't contact him. I guess I am finding it difficult to accept that it is done. I still hope that one day he'll get his stuff together and realise what he's lost and what hanging onto the girl before did to him. And I think at some point he will, but I think it will be awhile, and between now and then there's so much stuff that could happen and I know I can't wait for him. So I think when it eventually happens it will be too late, admittedly I will probably be happy and not caring by then, but it saddens me to think we're done and that I'll never be hugging him again and we'll never get a chance.
TopCat22 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I think you're focusing on the term "rebound" too much. It's a very general term. Know this: you had a relationship with this guy and it didn't work. Only he knows what his feelings were, if they were real or not, or if his ex still held his heart. He may come back, he may not. Sadly it's not your choice and you just have to deal with that. It sucks, but that is life. 1
mvc Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 as hard as it is you need to stop thinking about the "what ifs". "what ifs" are you thinking of the future and during a BU that is similar to thinking of the past - it gets you nowhere. You need to think of the now, the reality, and it sucks. you need to go through the pain and the sadness of the present to move on, you cant ignore these as eventually they will catch up to you. im in the same position as you, constantly thinking scenarios over in my head but i am coming to the realisation that (like mentioned earlier) im never going to get the answers to these questions and while i still have these unanswered questions im holding myself back.
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Actually, I can help with the 'Now' sucking. I'm going to go deeply philosophical here, so if this type of thinking doesn't interest you, look away now. As far as I am concerned, Now's Reality - is illusory anyway. Because you ask any two people, sitting next to one another, in the same room, what their current reality is (without them hearing one another, of course!) and chances are, their realities will simply be personal perceptions, and vastly, completely different. One person's Reality is never anybody else's, so the Reality itself is a temporary mental image. And that changes, from day to day, hour to hour - sometimes, moment to moment.... right? So, just sit down for a second, breathe, clear your mind and body, and find yourself right Now, in the Present Moment. Focus on this single, fleeting, constantly renewing moment, this, your 'Now'. Right now, right this instant, in this present Personal Reality - what's wrong? What sucks, right now, this instant, this very minute, what is it that is causing suckiness? The answer actually - is 'Nothing'. Ok. So now, the trick is - to perpetuate this moment. Carry it along with you. Let things only ever truly suck, when your perception of reality finds itself in a genuinely succky situation. do not let suckiness invade your Reality, your instances, your fleeting moments, your ever-renewing 'Nows'. Do not invite suckiness in. Leave it alone, and only deal with it when you - come across 'it'. simple...... 3
Author JustALittleBit Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Thanks I think I'll try that. I saw some of your posts on the spirituality board (ex Christian... now Buddhist?). I'm not really sure what I believe, but I do think when I look back at my life there have been 'coincidences' at some points. With this guy there were a few of them too, right before things ended (and actually another time early on) and when everything was still good I remember a few times where I thought 'he'll look at this in the future and realise/reminisce.' Just random thoughts that popped into my head. But at the same time I know it doesn't really mean anything, and that there's still a thousand variables. And with everything, I think I just really need to focus on moving on myself and deserving better, on shutting that proverbial door. It's just difficult when there was nothing particularly wrong with him, it's just this situation. But I guess really that's irrelevant. I know this is all just part of the breaking up and that it will pass, it's just very frustrating when you're in it. Anyway thanks for all your help everyone. I'm sure I will be posting again at some point trying to figure something out.
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