What is decent success in dating for a male?

[carhill]

Whats decent success to you?

 

Having choices when it comes to forming long-term relationships. There was a period in my late 30's, concurrent with dating internationally, where I did experience what I would term decent dating success, having cultivated multiple choices of relationships to pursue/grow/nurture. Multiple potentials were interested in pursuing such relations. Ultimate success would be a healthy long-term relationship resulting from those 'decent successes' in dating, IMO. For myself, at the time, one did, becoming an engagement and ultimately marriage.

[RogerWallace111]

All sounds about "normal". Not a ladies'-man or player lifestyle, and not the holed-up hermit who can't make it happen.

 

Like Castle said though, actual sexual encounters might be a better gauge. And also the way you maintain the interest of these women over time. Hooking up / dancing with some girl or another while out drinking with friends isn't difficult. F*cking said girl would be more of a challenge. But even then, f*cking a girl who's significantly less attractive or intelligent than one's self isn't much of an amazing feat.

 

Initiating a successful, short to medium term relationship, or string of hangouts + sex with a girl you're actually somewhat into is more what I'd personally strive for. And gauge success by.

 

The friends I consider most "successful" with women are the ones who tend to have options, turn down what they don't want, and can usually get what they do want. These are my buddies who might f*ck 2-3 somewhat "slutty" girls some months, casually, but also have the "game" to land more respectable/cool ladies they see more potential with. Plus the balls to end or limit short-term relationships that aren't that ideal to them, even when the girl is attractive and into them.

 

I'm pretty freshly single, so my own "track record" as of late is a bit worthless in this discussion (more speaking from the years pre-gf and how my friends **** goes). But in the five weeks since I've had sex with one girl a few times, on a couple occasions (she's definitely not my "type" but she's good-looking, sweet, and I don't want to fall for just anyone too soon anyway). Considering not long ago, after my breakup, I felt like I was f*cked, I've been getting what seems like a lot of love from girls around I will say. Sweet smiles, sexy looks, bashfulness, touchiness when in convo. Probably just as a result of me being particularly smiley, flirtatious and intentionally outgoing the last couple weeks. Getting down with this girl recently has been a good re-affirmation of my potential appeal. Now to start "closing the deal" and/or dating girls that are really my style... It's more difficult when you're actually super-into them, ya know ? Hooking up without at least a little real affection or a deeper-than-physical bond is overrated though

Edited October 10, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[RogerWallace111]

And yeah, the idea that making out with a girl a month makes you a player or some **** is hilarious. Maybe the males I know are all more mackin than most ? but come'on. One of my buddies ****ed 3 different, new girls in a week. And while that's a bit crazy, I don't think even that's terribly uncommon for a bold, decent-looking, horny dude in college.

[Dafa]

In a thread last week a guy disagreed with me on whats average or decent success for men when it comes to women.

 

I always say I do pretty average with women, and that my guys friends do as well. But the dude from this recent thread wasnt the first on the forum to tell me that my idea of decent success might be skewed. He assumed my friends and I were good looking, and I guess some of us are cute or handsome, but were not knockouts.

 

One of my main wingmen is a looker with an average yet slim build. And hes got a chill personality thats inviting to women. Girls really dig him. I on the other hand consider myself a couple points under him facially, but I do have a good physique. Personality wise Im the goof ball of the group generally.

 

Generally Id say for every 5 times I go out dancing, I end up dancing with a girl or two. For every two nights we go out dancing he dances with a girl or two. Now let it be said that dancing doesnt always mean kissing or getting digits. Sometimes you just dance, and theres not much vibe.

 

How do you really quantify decent or average success for a guy?

 

Like neither of us, or any of my friends really, have slept with tons of women. I guess I look at it this way. In a month...say I go out 4 nights to the bar to drink and dance. Thats 2 nights on 2 different weekends, with rest weekends in between. Then lets say on all the other days Im chatting with friends, organizing hangouts, possibly making new friends, maybe doing some OLD, and just being my generally peppy self in my every day life.

 

Id say in those 30 days, if I put in any decent effort to talk to girls and chase a tiny bit, that I will kiss at least one, or at least have an ongoing correspondence with one thats leading to some form of hangout. To me thats "decent success". It may be lacking in maximal effort and low balling the outcome a bit. But given how many guys here make me think zero success is average for a guy, Im think at least having something decent with 1 girl per month is "decent".

 

And let it be known...hanging out with my wing buddy, I learned the art of "not giving a fvk". I learned not to be so outcome oriented. Sure we want the ladies...but we still bro out when we chill. And we just make an effort to be friendly. Im wondering if the guys who dont have success make an effort to just be gabby, flirty, and friendly with girls?

 

If you do that enough, sometimes youll hit a streak of boldness. I mean for me, every once in a while I get in a super bold "no cares in the world", "im totally the shIIt" mood. Its just those days or nights you go out and feel good about yourself. When you can put on a button down and nice jeans, and just smile and say hi to women. Sure she may not be feeling you in that way, but I have made friends doing that before at least.

 

But there are times when it pays off big and you have some fun. Im in a bit of a drought myself, and its primarily do to me not putting effort into meeting anyone at the moment. And it made me wonder if this is what the lack of luck guys do. Because Ill say it again...Im not a total looker, despite having some strong points to me, but I still feel I do decently when I try.

 

All this being said. Whats decent success to you?

 

That talk you are mentioning was with me, i think.

Firstly, i did not necessarily say you are good looking but from your description at the time, you seem higher than average. At least in terms of apparent success.

Now, while i have to agree with some of the responses people gave here, namely the response of "being successful in dating is not having to date anymore", that is not exactly the discussion that we should be having, as a moderator wisely pointed out.

 

While you are talking about dating in particular, i tend to expand the discussion to general "sexual" interaction with the opposite sex (let's start with a simple but persistent exchange of glares in a given place for example, which is indicative of at least some interest and openness). In my view, for an average guy going out once a week to either a club, a bar or whatever, this happens once a month or so... Let's not forget that being average means there will be alot more like you in the place you are at and a significant portion of the rest of the guys are, by whatever reason, more attractive than you.

In my experience, only men who are significantly attractive are able to get one night stands or a FWB-like situation, for example. This is what i experience with my friends. For the average guys i know of, the best that can happen is getting availability from women who are quite below average. Furthermore, in my experience (and in my country), women very rarely compliment men, unless they are quite handsome. If you are average or even above average, women will not be very open. Unless you have a quite specific characteristic that is very handsome (e.g. 6-pack), but even then...

 

The women i usually know through groups of friends TEND to aim quite high and "work" their way down. That's how it works in the groups of people i know, at least. The problem here is that the guys in the 3rd or 4th place, if they are aware that this happened, won't very much like to be in that position and some will even relegate that given woman into a no-go immediately.

 

Anyways, one point that for me is somewhat relevant (in my experience) is that this measuring can be quite different from one country to another because the dynamics can be quite different. This may seem weird to some (if not most) here, but it is indeed my experience. Even within european countries, i find that the proactivity of women can be quite different, for example. This can mean that while in one country you usually find yourself not being a "victim" of significant female feedback, in another country you can clearly see feedback signals. But i guess this is another discussion...

[Necris]

For me right now just getting a date is decent success to me no use in setting the bar impossibly high like the ability to have sex or even higher my pick of decent women to be in a long-term romantic relationship with.

[Failboy]

It's extremely relative. Kinda like with money. Some people think being able to afford rent in a decent neighborhood while owning a decent car and and raising two kids decently is great wealth. Others get mad if they don't have the biggest yacht at st.tropez.

Same with sex/kissing/dating. I kissed 5 women in my life, 3 of them really didn't look too good. Being able to kiss a decent-looking female once a month seems like heaven to me. To others, of course, not boning a different super-hot woman once a week or so would be a major let-down.

As for what is average - well, that also depends on how you define average - do you refer to the mathematical term of average, or more to the "average joe"? Two different things. The mathematical average is severly upped by those who can make out with new people whenever they like. Someone who just never gets with women, is still only bringing a 0 to the equation, not a -20 or something. Whereas a horny hardcore player who kisses 20 women a month would bring the "average" of those 2 guys to 10. Which is still far more than a regular, middle-of-the-road guy would be able to get.