Belovely Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I am suffering the second heartbreak in my 29 years of life. This heartbreak comes a bit sudden and was very much unwanted on my part. 3 years ago I fell in love with a woman (I have never been with a woman prior to this), a woman 3 years younger than me. We were both in unhappy relationships prior and bonded. After our unhappy relationships ended for about 3 months we did our own thing despite me wanting to be with her. She, however, wanted to be single, go out and date, and not be committed...I couldn't blame her for that. When we became official, I was on cloud nine and the happiest person. The honeymoon stage lasted well over 6 months and we were happy for the majority of the 3 years together. Yes we had our ups and downs, but that is expected in any relationship. I tend to give my whole self to a person when I am truly in love and I did just that. I catered to her, put myself second, and even put aside my own life. She was all I needed and I was content. She showed signs of immaturity going out with friends and not inviting me, which hurt because whenever I went out, I wanted her around with my friends. As a result, there were numerous arguments because she wanted do her own thing even though she was in a relationship and claimed to be committed to me. On many ocassions she went to gay clubs and even went to Miami with friends for Aqua Girl which is a 3 day weekend of nothing but lesbians. I of course wasn't thrilled but also didn't want to be the girlfriend who didn't allow her to do anything because I feared she would resent me for it. Our families know each other and neither of them know about our sexuality so there was a lot of lying in order not to give it away. Most of my friends new about us, although there was a couple who didn't which hurt my ex because I wasn't open with all of them. She lost her job in May and has been unemployed since which has allowed her to have a lot of time on her hands. Up until 2 week ago I thought everything was fine. We recently came back from vacation together which was amazing. Yes I was working more hours but every free time, I spent with her. The last day we spent together, there was some show on TV about a couple and them taking a break and my ex commented stating "babe, imagine we went a week without speaking?" and I was completed caught off guard. I thought to myself is she just playing or serious...so I went along with it and said ok in a joking manor. She then states she was just joking and everything was fine. It wasn't until after that, that she made comments about me being distant and different, but I wasn't acting any differently. Then one day at work I got really horrible news and of course phoned her first...I was in tears on the phone and she was very supportive. I expected her to come to me because I had just gone through this horrible situation but instead she went to a gay club with her gay friend.The following day she talks to me as if nothing is wrong and asks how I'm feeling...I told her the truth, that it was a rough night and I really needed her and she chose not to be there. She turned the situation around stating if I really needed her, I should have said something and she wouldn't have gone and that she isn't a mind reader. But, unless you are emotionally detached, it's common sense that ur supposed to be there for your significant other they've gone through something. She admitted she did wrong finally and continued with "I'm not right, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm hurting you and myself" and blah blah. And that's when she asked me for space and time...now one can say that the signs were all there for me and I shouldn't have been surprised. She claims she still loves me but our future together because of our families being so intertwined with one another is a big cause of concern, as well as her job situation, and my hesitancy with telling all my friend about her. I don't know what to believe. I know she wants to go out and meet people, but I never provented her from doing so. I tried so hard to let her do her own thing for fear of her resentment and in the end it wasn't enough. I have my own insecurities and those came out in the relationship because she is flirty and there were a few girls, although straight, who she hung out with and it concerned me ( that was the majority of our fights and the fact she wanted to go out with just her friends and not have me around). I built my life around her. And now I'm lost without her. Weekends were spent with her and now I don't have that. We had hobbies we did together, adventures we shared, etc. I need help because I feel empty and my heart hurts so bad! Someone help me!
Appleness Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I'm so sorry Belovely, I think your girlfriend is having some wanderlust issues. It could be caused by your extra work but that doesn't mean it's your fault. Truth is there are just people who want all of your attention all the time. There like small children who don't ever want mommy to leave. I think you just gave she too much liberty to explore what's out there. The clubs that bothered you, etc. You should always speak up for yourself if you're not comfortable. I was guilty of that too because I thought if he stayed with me, then what's the harm, right? WRONG. Some people cannot resist temptation and they will hurt you if given the chance because you're just so nice and you'll be there for them. You said that she's been unemployed since May and is just going out instead of trying to get back on her feet? Sweetheart: LET HER WALK AWAY. Why should you tolerate this? You're supporting her and she thinks now that she could do better? Frankly I don't care how many years you've been together. What matters is how many more you'll suffer if you don't make a stand. Yes, it's tough when your families are great but at the end of the day, your relationship is with HER, not the family. The people who support you and like you will still like you. There are consequences to people who think that they don't have to treat people with respect or give people a chance to work things out. She wants space? Then give her all the space in the world, just not on your time and with you waiting on the back burner. Love and relationships don't differ just because age, sexual preference, or race. Someone breaking your heart and treating you like you don't matter will hurt no matter who you are. Take back control of your life and show them that it's NOT okay. Good luck
chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Im in the exact same position. We broke up back in March and as much as im getting out there everyone has there days, but we get through it. Its not fun. With her I had everything and I even moved states for her, if thats not commitment I don't know what is. I feel for you. Hugs from me we will make it through this.
Author Belovely Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Thank you Appleness and Chrisusarmy for your kind words! I thought I had made some progress the last few days, but today I realized I took 10 steps backwards. I've noticed (via instagram) that since Friday she has spent the whole weekend with this other girl...whom I don't know but from her profile is a lesbian as well. Although she doesn't look like my ex's type, why else would she be spending the weekend with her? I mean she spent today at her house watching football and making cookies, which is what I used to do with her. That kills me more than ever! Now, I don't know for sure that she is with her or this is just a friendship, but of course I think the worse. It's been a little over a week and she's already moved on? After 3 years of her telling me she loved me, she wanted a forever with me, talks about moving in together, etc. And a week before she asked for space and then ultimately broke up with me she was still saying she loved me. And then out of the blue "I need to be alone to figure out my life and what I want". You had 3 F****** years to decide that and you decide now you need time. I gave her everything she wanted...bought her everything she wanted and paid for everything since she's been unemployed and that's how she repays me? It kills me! And now I'm the one suffering while she's out there "being alone" with some other chic?! I've also realized that in my 2 failed relationships, where I've gotten hurt the most, I put my partner above myself. That hurts because it makes me question why I can't put myself above others. I'm a successful individual with a great career. The only thing missing is my other half and when I think I've found him/her, I get hurt in the end.
Author Belovely Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 So its about 3-4 weeks since we last spoke, and although things are a bit better for me, it still hurts. I saw her for the first time at the gym a week ago. When I saw her in the weight room, I said I would leave and go do cardio but she insisted on me staying and working out there while she was there and so I stayed. Shortly after she left the weight room and texted me saying sorry she left without saying bye but she started to tear up and had to leave. She then proceeded to say she can't be with anyone right now and needs to be alone. Now this weekend, on instagram I've been seeing pictures of her and this new girl that I've never met before. The pictures of her standing closely to this girl, the girl on her lap, her kissing/biting her cheek. So what am I to think? For someone who told me she didn't know what she wanted and needed to be alone to figure it out...But now she's posting these pics with another girl?! No matter how strong I want to be, it hurts like no other. Perhaps it hurts more because its an ego thing and rejection. But I can't wrap my head around why she would do this?! I always knew she wanted to go out more and live her life but why break up with me to get into another relationship if "living my life" is what you really want. And if she is with someone, why not tell me? Why lie to me and say she can't be with anyone right now and has to figure out what she wants. I'd rather the truth than lies. Do I confront her and ask her what's going on with this new girl? Or will that show her I care and lower my dignity? I'm just so confused. My brain tells me I'm better than her and I deserve better and that I don't want to be with a person that can so easily move on like that, but my heart isn't on the same page. If she indeed is in a new relationship, it can't be a meaningful one right? No rebound relationship is a healthy one. I want to be over this and have things like this not affect me. I still love her - it's only been a month but I still love her and I wish things were different. It doesn't hurt as much as it did initially which is hopeful, but it still hurts. I'm not crying anymore, but I still get jabs of pain to my heart, especially when I see pics of her and the new girl.
geegirl Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 She's telling you she's not ready to be with anyone because it relieves her of her guilt. She won't tell you that she wants to be with others because it sheds bad light on her and she knows it will hurt you. It's much easier to deal with "it's not you, it's me" rather than, "i've met someone else" and it doesn't matter what's better for you, it all depends on what is better for them. You don't confront her. You don't demand for explanations when you are not in a relationship anymore. She is free to do what she needs to do. You work with the information you have in your hands and start your healing. She is free to date and so are you. Yes, hold on to your self-respect and move on. When someone does not want to be with you, let them go. Who knows if it's a meaningful relationship? You will never know. It may just be a rebound or it may transition into a relationship. All beyond your control. What you need to do is block her from FB, Instagram and any sort of trigger that can derail you. Control what you can.
Author Belovely Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Geegirl - thank you for your input. I've contemplated deleting her from instagram and facebook, but then I tell myself by doing that I'm giving her the satisfaction of knowing I care what she's doing with her life. By not deleting her, I feel like she knows I know what she's doing and with whom, but because I haven't deleted her I could care two sh***. Again it's my ego and pride talking. My mind knows that I don't deserve anyone like that...someone who can easily forget you and move on. And if she's already with someone else, I don't want that anyway. But my heart doesn't want to listen to that. I mean, I've kept busy with work, friends, going out weekends, gym, family, etc. But it hurts to see this new girl filling the shoes I used to be in. It's like she cropped me out and replaced me with someone new. Things she and I used to do, she's now doing with her. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough and question what this girl has that I don't have. Why is she able to make her happy and I stopped making her happy after 2.5 years.
geegirl Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 By thinking you are not giving her the satisfaction and doing what you're doing, is you caring about what she thinks, right? So, at the end of the day, you're still putting her first and risking your healing just to prove some point, that in the end almost always comes back to bite you and no one else. Do you think that while she is with someone else, SHE cares what you think? Do you think that she's saying to herself, "I shouldn't post these pictures because Belovely will see it, etc." She's posting because she does not care that you see it. Again, in the end, it's to your detriment, not hers. While she is living her life, you're struggling to prove a point. You have this perception because you are in an emotional bubble and we sometimes project thinking the ex will view things the way we do. Unfortunately, when they're detached, it doesn't phase them one bit. And the fact that she openly posted those pics tells you that she doesn't care that you see them. Most lilkely because it's easier now that you've found the truth yourself and you've now relieved her of the responsibility. Your healing and your emotional well-being is priority. Nothing else, period. Your break-up is fresh. It took me several months to feel some sort of relief. I also had to see my ex move on to other women and I struggled wondering why I was never good enough for him. So, I understand how you feel. No one can tell why she stopped wanting to be with you. But feelings change, Belovely. People change, their needs and wants change. There is never a guarantee that you will always be what that someone wants and needs.
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Just a thought, Geegirl really covered everything already: Shift your thoughts from "It happened again!" to "Wee, I get another chance at learning and growing!". Feel a little excitement about the potential of that, rather than feeling hopeless. I find that makes it a little less personal, a little less "sharp".
Author Belovely Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 Thank you Geegirl and Calico for your responses. Geegirl you really put things into prespective and I thank you for that. Sometimes I feel I'm my own worst enemy I'm trying to think of this as a learning experiences and it sincerely has...I'm learning to place myself first, above all else, and doing what makes me happy as opposed to what makes others happy...because of that mentality, others take priority. I lost my self identity while with her and gave up a lot in order to make her happy. Im now going back to basics and putting my family first, my friends first, faith first which I put second when I was with her. Above all, I need ME to be first. I'm realizing my own self worth and what I deserve which is someone who is going to realize what I bring to a relationship, the effort and importance I place on them, and the commitment I offer. In the end, if I can't get that in return, then that's no one I want to be with forever...so better that it happened now, 2.5 years later, as opposed to 4yrs later. Thank you again, to both of you, for your words of clarity.
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