gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 So I recently posted a whole essay of what happened but haven't had a response, obviously it's to long to read so here goes the short version. My ex and I had 4 rough years. He left me in our second year together for another because I tired him. I looked for him and begged for a second chance. He did came back but only to treat me as crap, lots of infidelity, dryness, careless, etc. From a few months now he started to be a good boyfriend again but he failed once more. I grew tired, I told him he had to take charge now, he had to prove to me he wanted this, so I stopped doing everything he once argued he needed and were the cause of his sudden rebellion. I took my time to think because I had done every single thing I could to save our relationship yet he always kept doing what he knew wasn't going to help strengthen our thing but rather destroy it. I took the time to think of everything and declined his invitations to go out. I needed to choose between him or my career or at least that's what I felt. I told him excuses for this reaction but I took two months for this. Not surprisingly he started to change again we had fights but we promised one another we would do our parts, he would do what any boyfriend does and I would give him time again. But a week later he left me waiting, I called but he didn't answer. The next day, he called twice and the third I was about to take it but he hung up (he had to take me to the airport). I couldn't call or try to fix things again, I had humiliated myself enough the first time. A month has passed NC, he has blocked me of chats but has me on facebook and else. I need to say my goodbyes, that I wanted a future with him, that I tried but I dont think he would answer. Should I wait for him after work in order to have my peace of mind?
Calico Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Why do you "need" to say your goodbyes (again and again)? This isn't just a rhetorical question, so try to verbalize that "need" and what you believe it would change. You already tried, and he blew you off. So what do you feel is the chance that this won't keep happening? Calling failed, because he doesn't want to speak to you, so now you want to show up right in his face when he leaves work and essentially corner him? Step back for a moment here and take a minute to realize that what you do is obsessive behaviour and has nothing to do with "love". What you plan to do is harassment. What next? He'll need to get a restraining order? How would that make you feel? See, you act like a junkie and you need to break that cycle. Not only because every time you do something like that you push away the other person, but also because you just hurt yourself more. It'll never end unless you end it. You believe that saying one more thing will give you closure and relief. And it will. Until a few hours or days later when you need another fix and you'll think of all the things you didn't say, really "need" to say or do, and then you'll repeat the behaviour. He is done with you. He does not want to hear from you. He does not want to see you. He does not love you. He does not want to have anything to do with you, and there is nothing you can do about this. (Sorry, but it's necessary to spell this out.) You have no control over what he does, feels, thinks and wants. And here's the happy news: You DO have control over what you do! And it's time that you make use of that power and walk away from this situation. You've tried what you could try, you've done what you could do. Let it him go now. (It took me a month of begging and pleading and tearing myself to bits to get to that point, so I'm not talking just out of my arse here. I know it's hard. And I know you can do it.) 1
stillafool Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Leave him alone. He has shown you and is showing you he doesn't want you. Don't humiliate yourself further by chasing him down to say goodbye. It's over and you should chose your career.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I have not looked for him for a month, I decided that. It's not obsession, he disappeared, I have not said, called, text him or anything this whole month. It's four years I was there, my need to say what I want to say is for me not for him. I DO NOT want him back, he hasn't come up his arse to do anything. What I mean is that the relationship ended without us even knowing it was going to happen that very same day or more specifically, me. And I do want to have what everybody else has, a proper ending conversation. I do not want to scream, beg or what not. If he answers my only question fine, if not I'll say what I wanted to say and that's that. Was that clear now?
LostOne1 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I have not looked for him for a month, I decided that. It's not obsession, he disappeared, I have not said, called, text him or anything this whole month. It's four years I was there, my need to say what I want to say is for me not for him. I DO NOT want him back, he hasn't come up his arse to do anything. What I mean is that the relationship ended without us even knowing it was going to happen that very same day or more specifically, me. And I do want to have what everybody else has, a proper ending conversation. I do not want to scream, beg or what not. If he answers my only question fine, if not I'll say what I wanted to say and that's that. Was that clear now? trust me.. it won't matter anymore. You can call, wait, what ever you want to do. But he doesn't care about you anymore. He's done with you... I know because I did what you did. And really it didn't change a thing. In fact it made things worse and we fought more and destroyed our relationship more. Neither of us got any questions out or got closure. She was DONE with me.. and that was that... You can bother him all you want, but you will NEVER get that goodbye you want... it won't happen. Trust me, I jsut went through this a month ago.. heck I broke NC after a month and emailed... NOTHING came back my way. it just shows that the person is done.. and there is nothing left with them now. I know it's hard for you to accept, it was SOOO hard for me too. Heck sometimes I relapse and want to talk to her, see her again anything.... but the truth comes back to she wants nothing to do with me. If she did.. she would contact me back in some ways. In your case he KNOWS you are calling, but refuses to call back or contact you back. It basically means he has nothing left for you.... It hurts, but it's the truth now.
Calico Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I do not want to scream, beg or what not. If he answers my only question fine, if not I'll say what I wanted to say and that's that. Was that clear now? Yes, it's abundantly clear that you refuse to accept that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. He blocked you and ignored your calls (that is your answer, that is your closure), and instead of respecting that, you plan to show up at his work. In your other post you wrote that he (in part) dumped you because everything was about you. It seems that it's still all about you. Go ahead, harass him some more, and see if you will feel any better when the "fix" wears off. You probably won't, but as I said, it took me a while to get to the point where I realized that true closure can only be found in yourself. Good luck.
utterer of lies Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 him or my career? Even if he wanted you the answer would be 'your career'.
stillafool Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 If you have something you want to say to him for yourself write a letter to him but don't mail it. Keep it for you. He will not answer your questions if you show up at his job. He will start to hate you. You have to make your own closure because he won't and can't give it to you.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your advises but again I have NOT broken silence yet, he said he was going to come see me a month ago, he called the next day to be responsible, (he was going to take me to the airport) and that's that. We havent spoken at all, i haven't looked for him this time. I've been trying to focus on me, going out more, making new friends, all without contacting him. Maybe u guys mean that I should text him first about it but i do not know because it IS the first time I break the NC. But we went through this 2 yrs ago (although it wasn't a NC break up)and I know he wont pick up, he's too proud. That's why I say that I want just to go, say what i have to say and leave. Edited October 6, 2012 by gabriel345
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 He has me in his social networks and all, I haven't called since the day it happened but he did block me from chats, except for one, which I blocked him from. This I believe is not harassment I just took the time I needed to be able to talk to him, I wasn't ready then. My thoughts and emotions were a mess so I didn't believe I could talk in that state. But yeah, I totally get why just showing up is a bad idea but what other choice do I have? I was just left hanging with a dinner at my table, I gave my all in a healthy manner. I just want to end this like a responsible person would do, i did care for him very much and I do still love him still (even though he was a complete jerk with me) as well but I'm too tired to continue on yet I can't sleep because of this, because of what i left unsaid.
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I'm just not understanding the "career" portion of your story. Perhaps Iissed that fact set. I cannot imagine any career you'd have to abandon to choose an intimate, long term relationship. I'll exclude in a general discussion that of Escort, Dancer/Stripper but even those I deem workable with some partners. All the other relationship drama aside, love to hear about your belief that a career must be abandoned.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Yes I get it but I havent spoken to him since he told me he was coming to see me (we were together then, we just stopped talking because he didnt come, the next day he called but I did not call him back because I was tired/angry of his wrong doings plus he left me waiting for him). It's been like that since then. No contact what so ever. He still has me on his facebook but I just can't make myself call him, message him or anyother form. The only thing I would be capable to do is talk to him face to face and get it over with.
LostOne1 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 He has me in his social networks and all, I haven't called since the day it happened but he did block me from chats, except for one, which I blocked him from. This I believe is not harassment I just took the time I needed to be able to talk to him, I wasn't ready then. My thoughts and emotions were a mess so I didn't believe I could talk in that state. But yeah, I totally get why just showing up is a bad idea but what other choice do I have? I was just left hanging with a dinner at my table, I gave my all in a healthy manner. I just want to end this like a responsible person would do, i did care for him very much and I do still love him still (even though he was a complete jerk with me) as well but I'm too tired to continue on yet I can't sleep because of this, because of what i left unsaid. If you REALLY need to say something email it or use voicemail. There is NO way he is going to accept your calls as you've seen it. TO be honest, he might not want to hear you out or at least not right now. You NEED to listen, I did WHAT YOU are trying to do. It gets no where really.. it will drive you more nuts chasing after him wondering how you can contact him... because nothing you do or say will help right now. Either he has to accept he wants to hear you out and contact YOU or he doesn't want to and doesn't care what you have to say. Basically if you did reach him he would ignore you, and if you force him to hear you out he will walk away after you do say something. Like I said if you want to try go with an email or voicemail or text... but don't expect a reply or a way of ever knowing if he heard you out or not. Chances are he sees your email and deletes it right away, hears your voicemail in the first 2 seconds and presses delete. There is no way to win... I'm telling you from what I went through in the last month. I never got my goodbye or closure, it was a horrible fight that made the best relationship look like **** and into pieces. You just have to let go and realize a goodbye won't help now. You have to find it in your ownself to say good bye and move on. I'm just not understanding the "career" portion of your story. Perhaps Iissed that fact set. I cannot imagine any career you'd have to abandon to choose an intimate, long term relationship. I'll exclude in a general discussion that of Escort, Dancer/Stripper but even those I deem workable with some partners. All the other relationship drama aside, love to hear about your belief that a career must be abandoned. I wouldn't say careers mean abandon a relationship, but it's all about time and balancing that time between work and a relationship.
LostOne1 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Yes I get it but I havent spoken to him since he told me he was coming to see me (we were together then, we just stopped talking because he didnt come, the next day he called but I did not call him back because I was tired/angry of his wrong doings plus he left me waiting for him). It's been like that since then. No contact what so ever. He still has me on his facebook but I just can't make myself call him, message him or anyother form. The only thing I would be capable to do is talk to him face to face and get it over with. he might not want to meet face to face.. my ex did the same. She promised she would meet, but then turned me down and broke it up via text and phone. Honestly, your best bet is to call and get it over with. But I think it will hurt more that way, but it's your choice. You can ask if he wants to meet up... in my case meeting up for my ex didn't work and wasn't a possibility. She just didn't want to see me or have anything to do with me.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 He wanted me to give him more time with him and his friends. I'm currently pursuing law, it's very time consuming, so I gave up my friends in order to give him my spare time. But this I stopped when he failed again. So I was thinking if I chose another path maybe he would be happy because I would have three times the availability. But IT IS my passion so I couldn't choose him even though I was sure I wanted a future with him. So I gave it a last shot but what I told you guys happened instead... My career was for both of us, our future but I was never planning on working a thousand hours per week either. Right now, it is what I have to do because i'm still climbing, no option there.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I do get what all of you guys are telling me, thank you. I just don't know what to do with all of this I have in my mind. I am distracting myself with other activities, new ones but we ended in such a coward way, not me at all. It hurts a lot, it's eating me alive. I thought an actual good bye would help me move on since I tried everything else because he deserves me being like this. I thought if I waited more time then I would not have any type of rights to tell him what I wanted to say or maybe it would be too awkward for me to do that.
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 It sounds as if you practice in BigLaw. ??? What does he not get? HaHa.
LostOne1 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I do get what all of you guys are telling me, thank you. I just don't know what to do with all of this I have in my mind. I am distracting myself with other activities, new ones but we ended in such a coward way, not me at all. It hurts a lot, it's eating me alive. I thought an actual good bye would help me move on since I tried everything else because he deserves me being like this. I thought if I waited more time then I would not have any type of rights to tell him what I wanted to say or maybe it would be too awkward for me to do that. As i said.. i KNOW how you feel. The way my relationship started was so unique.. that no one will ever be able to replace how we met and the connections we had from the past already. Imagine meeting someone you were supposed to know, that lived on the same block and meeting them 5 years later. But the how we ended it was so horrible, so much hate, so many terrible words... It makes you wonder how 2 people who loved each other so much... can just become worst enemies or complete strangers again. it's tough to deal with.. I don't even know how I am dealing with it. I'm going through the EXACT same break up twice now in like 6-7 years. Girl loses contact with me for 1 month or less in meantime finds someone else or realizes she doesn't want me and moves on... Though this time it was my fault partly... But that's how it is... Like I said if you REALLY need to say something you can email. But my gut feeling says she will delete it, and I feel my ex deleted my email too. But there is nothing else we can do. If someone doesn't want to talk to us or hear us out. Well not much we can do besides not want to hear them out either and move on our own way.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 No I do not practice, I study it But hey, I came here for advice not to be pushed around. I left and so did he, I don't get why going to the only place I can to do the right thing is so absurd. We never really "broke up", we went from being in a relationship, for him to leave me waiting and the next day, he called twice. It is what it is, I listened to friends tell me to not contact him whatsoever, so I did that and focused on me, to get stronger so I would stick to my decision yet now they are all telling me it's too late for me to say goodbye. I know he was not good for me, he hurt me a lot through the years but what I felt was real, I loved him for what he was and respected our relationship even though he didn't. I want to live my life as a person that does things correctly, I always had, always will. I've been thinking this through for two weeks, honestly, pride has stopped me. But from time to time, I remember how much this relationship meant for me and for me to leave this way is almost shameful because I did care about it and I'm showing him the opposite. I just wanted to know which way was the right one, moral or pride.
LostOne1 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 No I do not practice, I study it But hey, I came here for advice not to be pushed around. I left and so did he, I don't get why going to the only place I can to do the right thing is so absurd. We never really "broke up", we went from being in a relationship, for him to leave me waiting and the next day, he called twice. It is what it is, I listened to friends tell me to not contact him whatsoever, so I did that and focused on me, to get stronger so I would stick to my decision yet now they are all telling me it's too late for me to say goodbye. I know he was not good for me, he hurt me a lot through the years but what I felt was real, I loved him for what he was and respected our relationship even though he didn't. I want to live my life as a person that does things correctly, I always had, always will. I've been thinking this through for two weeks, honestly, pride has stopped me. But from time to time, I remember how much this relationship meant for me and for me to leave this way is almost shameful because I did care about it and I'm showing him the opposite. I just wanted to know which way was the right one, moral or pride. moral or pride is for you to decide. Personally I put my pride on the side, because I don't care if my email gave her a ego boost or not. I simply don't care, and after no reply. I realized she doesn't care, and I don't want to care anymore either. For you it's your decision.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Man, Lostone1, I know, I just have fond memories and I live 5 min from him. I haven't tried contacting him, I was just going to show up and end this torture but I guess you guys are right. I don't think I'll try the email either, I don't know if he's waiting for me to take the lead and contact him or what the f** is in his mind. But he's the guy, he would've called another day or something, I did enough already so I guess that's that. I miss him like hell, I love him dearly but it's no longer on my hands, I just can't do anything about it and not sure if I really want to because as you guys said, he wont be welcoming but furious if anything.
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 No I do not practice, I study it No pejorative intent here but most folks drink, socialize and have more fun in law school than any other time of life! Yeah it's massive busy work but unless this dude was antisocial, not getting it. Possibly you are PT law school and working, then I'd understand. Good luck in 2L or whatever space you're in.
Author gabriel345 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Good grades = good job= great after studies life. Social life isn't going to pay the bills and it's not like we NEVER went out, we did. I spent 2 years out of 4 jumping ropes for him, trying to balance things out but he returned the effort with lies and betrayals. I stayed because I thought it was my fault he was liked that, he told me I tired him before and he needed time to adjust. So I kept my word, did what he asked and waited patiently for him to change. He did but for a while, he messed up again, so I stopped and refocused on my studies until I finished the semester. When I started thinking about him vs career but I thought this: "Social life is more important than a woman fighting for a future and for you". That's what I saw, he doesn't know I stopped going out with him for that reason. Still he meant a lot for me but I couldn't get his priorities, that's what I wanted to say.
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