Angry!

[AnotherRound]

I have no idea why, but I woke up today so angry at exMM. Nothing has happened, no communication, no change in anything. I did have some dreams last night, but I always dream a lot and vividly. But today, just the thought of him makes me angry.

 

I'm not sure where it's coming from, or why? I don't know if it's just frustration about the whole situation before, or what. I have been journaling all day in an effort to figure it out, but nothing.

 

The only thing I can think of is that I did a trauma assessment the other day for myself. It's a new thing that I am wanting to use with a few of my clients and I always try every one of these types of things first before I use them - to see how valid they are personally, make sure that they aren't too complicated, etc. So, I did the exercise, and bc I have such a long trauma history, it took a while to do completely.

 

Maybe that's it? Maybe it's not even about exMM, but more about anger at my trauma history and my abusers? Or, maybe there were characteristics that I pinpointed in my abusers that exMM shares? I can't find the link - any ideas from anyone? Have any of you ever completed an in depth trauma history? And if so, did it dredge up anger for you? I have done other types of trauma assessments, but this one was pretty detailed and in depth... maybe I shouldn't have done it right now with so much emotional stuff going on (not re exMM, but my mother's murder anniversary is coming up fast).

 

Feeling very discontent today

[UpwardForward]

I have found when I take responsibility for whatever happens in my life, I don't have as much anger toward others.

 

We do have more control of our lives than we think.

 

What you're feeling could also be frustration. You put your all in him, then shut the door? He came back and opened the door.

 

Probably you stopped communicating with him because he now appears to be preoccupied. Didn't wish to discuss the lurking other OW, etc?

 

Then you wanted to contact him to share your good fortune with promotions, but do not wish to contact him unnecessarily.

 

In other words, IMO this anger you're feeling can be a result of expecting too much of him.

 

My Christianity has helped me to take the burden off of others (in the spirit), and with lesser expectations.

[veryhappy]

Could it be anger that he's not there for you yet, and you were living your life free of him, and now you have moments that you'd want to share with him, but he's not there yet? He can't give you anything, because he's dealing with something else and you're marginalized?

 

When you first started writing here, one of the things that struck me about you was the lack of anger. I think it's healthy to be angry, and I am glad whenever you are angry...as weird as it sounds. This guy is not a peach, just like my guy is not a peach, and you are right to be angry about the non-peachiness of it all.

[UpwardForward]

Could it be anger that he's not there for you yet, and you were living your life free of him, and now you have moments that you'd want to share with him, but he's not there yet? He can't give you anything, because he's dealing with something else and you're marginalized?

 

When you first started writing here, one of the things that struck me about you was the lack of anger. I think it's healthy to be angry, and I am glad whenever you are angry...as weird as it sounds. This guy is not a peach, just like my guy is not a peach, and you are right to be angry about the non-peachiness of it all.

 

I didn't read the earlier writings. But guessing perhaps the lack of anger was that it appeared MM was working his way toward you again, and things were good, rather than the (appearance of) stagnant state at this time.

[Hawaii50]

It's not rare to wake up in the emotional state we were last dreaming in. What we your dreams about, do you remember?

[Ladydrib]

Have any of you ever completed an in depth trauma history? :

 

I've never done one but it sounds cool and I'd love to find out the results.

[Patrice]

I would too, maybe a share is in order

[MissBee]

I have no idea why, but I woke up today so angry at exMM. Nothing has happened, no communication, no change in anything. I did have some dreams last night, but I always dream a lot and vividly. But today, just the thought of him makes me angry.

 

I'm not sure where it's coming from, or why? I don't know if it's just frustration about the whole situation before, or what. I have been journaling all day in an effort to figure it out, but nothing.

 

The only thing I can think of is that I did a trauma assessment the other day for myself. It's a new thing that I am wanting to use with a few of my clients and I always try every one of these types of things first before I use them - to see how valid they are personally, make sure that they aren't too complicated, etc. So, I did the exercise, and bc I have such a long trauma history, it took a while to do completely.

 

Maybe that's it? Maybe it's not even about exMM, but more about anger at my trauma history and my abusers? Or, maybe there were characteristics that I pinpointed in my abusers that exMM shares? I can't find the link - any ideas from anyone? Have any of you ever completed an in depth trauma history? And if so, did it dredge up anger for you? I have done other types of trauma assessments, but this one was pretty detailed and in depth... maybe I shouldn't have done it right now with so much emotional stuff going on (not re exMM, but my mother's murder anniversary is coming up fast).

 

Feeling very discontent today

 

That's a lot of heavy stuff AR...sorry about all of that. I do think it makes sense that perhaps your anger and discontent aren't about him per se but as you said, your trauma history and abusers and I do think many times our romantic relationships mimic some of these not so good patterns. I know for me, I played out of how I felt about my dad in the men I dated. I didn't realize this was what I was doing...and when I did, I was thoroughly sick to my stomach and ANGRY! I felt angry at them, my dad and myself. I remember I was dating one guy, who was falling short in what he could offer and who was emotionally unavailable and otherwise unavailable (which was the pattern I've inherited and have been working on, which manifested itself in always dating men who were unavailable: whether committed to someone else already or who were single but emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable) and that's when I started realizing the pattern and where it stemmed from ---- I got so fed up with him! I just felt like all my effort and romantic notions were pointless because he was still some emotionally unavailable guy who didn't see I was worth it. I really allowed myself to just cry and admit and own those feelings. That's so important IMO. Most of us simply ignore and say "I'm good..whatever" and plow on through dragging the baggage of those feelings with us like nothing is wrong. When I stopped to admit I didn't like it, it was my pattern and it was self-sabotaging and ultimately unfulfilling and that i didn't really know what to do about it...I just cried about it. It wasn't a pity party. It was letting my inner child cry and feel so that as a grown woman, I could start moving forward.

 

I'd love to do a trauma test. But I imagine anger is a normal feeling in such processes and I think that kind of assessment opens you up to just realizing what's not fair, who are the people who've hurt you and makes you super intolerant of any situation in the now that even vaguely reminds you of it. I makes sense that dealing with an A relationship, some of those feelings of being hurt/not feeling like enough/not being valued/not getting what you deserve etc. might arise and look familiar.

 

I do wish you healing and happiness. There are no sorries that can take away those pains and I can only imagine about your mom ....yet I do hope that you do gain true peace and healing from it all.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm really sorry about your mom. I can relate. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Spark1111]

Anger at abandoment seems a common theme.

 

Could you be subconsiously (very normal) to be angry at your mom who you lost, through no fault of hers, but still...not in your life anymore and that could be a cause of hidden anger.....for your MM?

 

Just a thought to consider.....

[amaysngrace]

Anger is a healthy emotion for injustices that were done to us. It's central in allowing us to put blame on those who have mistreated us. Without being angry we may take those feelings out on ourselves instead. That's not a good mental state to be in.

 

To not put anger where it properly belongs, we can also channel it out in other ways without it being filtered first. We react rather than act.

 

Chances are that if you haven't come to terms with all that the abuse has left you with and dealt with the feelings that are associated with it, then you are merely coping rather than being in control of your emotions from a clear state of mind.

[AnotherRound]

Hi all... Thanks for the responses. I was actually pretty busy this weekend and didn't have a chance to check back here until today. A lot of good responses. I will share the trauma assessment on a different thread, as it is pretty involved. I have done a trauma narrative before, but this was a pretty precise assessment that had me writing for a while - and noticing the fact that I have normalized some behaviors in that they don't strike me as abusive - although apparently they are to the general population.

 

I'm going to try to answer each of you separately here, and really do appreciate the thoughtful responses.

 

Today is the anniversary of my Mom's murder - and it's always a rough day. I actually have some clients scheduled, which I usually avoid on this day bc of my own emotional fragility - but feeling pretty good about being able to be there emotionally for my clients.

[AnotherRound]

I have found when I take responsibility for whatever happens in my life, I don't have as much anger toward others.

 

We do have more control of our lives than we think.

 

Agree 100%. I think the trick for me is realizing what I can control and what I can't, and accepting that. I've worked hard on this over the years, and feel that I'm in a pretty good place with it - but always room for improvement, for sure.

 

What you're feeling could also be frustration. You put your all in him, then shut the door? He came back and opened the door.

 

Maybe it is frustration. Frustration with myself too bc I was doing SO well. I had dealt with my hurt and my anger - and then he comes back and there is some kind of hope that maybe we can try under different circumstances????

 

Probably you stopped communicating with him because he now appears to be preoccupied. Didn't wish to discuss the lurking other OW, etc?

 

I actually got another email from the other OW that came after me. She is not stable - his assessment is/was correct. I will fill more in on that later.

 

Then you wanted to contact him to share your good fortune with promotions, but do not wish to contact him unnecessarily.

 

I felt like I was burdening him by calling him - sharing anything with him, even if it was good news. That is not a feeling I'm comfortable with, and not something I've ever felt with him. That angered me - that the dynamic of that part of our relationship has changed, for the worse imo.

 

In other words, IMO this anger you're feeling can be a result of expecting too much of him.

 

Yes - and expecting too much of myself maybe too. In that, as understanding of his humanness that I try to be, deep down, I think I'm feeling that he isn't "good enough" for me. Then, I feel guilty about that bc I do love him and care about him.

 

My Christianity has helped me to take the burden off of others (in the spirit), and with lesser expectations.

 

Thank you for the well thought response. I don't have christianity, but can appreciate that it has helped you. I am not quite sure where I land on that scale - in that I'm just not sure what is out there, spiritually.

 

I think you made some good points here. Thanks...

[Owl]

Have you considered that taking the trauma assessment might have caused you to (sub-consciously?) assess any trauma created/related to your relationship with MM? Or that you may now be sub-consciously considering possible traumatic outcomes of this situation you're in, either for yourself or for others?

 

People never feel a certain way or react to something for no reason. There's always a reason...people just tend not to spend enough introspection or have enough self-honestly to let them root out the reasons behind their actions or behaviors.

[AnotherRound]

Could it be anger that he's not there for you yet, and you were living your life free of him, and now you have moments that you'd want to share with him, but he's not there yet?

 

Could be. I think I'm feeling frustrated bc I had closed that chapter of my life, with nothing in mind for the future with him bc I was done with the situation. So then, the situation changes, and it forces me (I feel forced) to consider things I had never considered at a time when I already had a full plate.

 

He can't give you anything, because he's dealing with something else and you're marginalized?

 

Yes. Our relationship has never had this type of "limits" placed on it - especially emotionally. So, feeling those limits now is frustrating to me bc that is not what I would ever want. And then I fear that those limits might be permanent - not sure why? Or, that they will last so long that the relationship will "die" bc it won't be nurtured in the way that I think a relationship needs to be nurtured - with emotional intimacy????

 

When you first started writing here, one of the things that struck me about you was the lack of anger.

 

Oh, I had anger, lol. Just, by the time I started posting here I was a year and a half out of it, and had worked through all of it. I know anger well, lol, and he got some of it back in the day. I started posting here bc he had gotten back in contact with me asking me to consider seeing him again. I haven't been angry since that, as I honestly just had no anger leftover, and no real reason to be angry with him now - unless I was angry that he contacted me and proposed what he proposed. So, you just caught me AFTER the anger, lol...

 

I think it's healthy to be angry, and I am glad whenever you are angry...as weird as it sounds. This guy is not a peach, just like my guy is not a peach, and you are right to be angry about the non-peachiness of it all.

 

Yes, this. And it may not even be anger at him (although he's given me another reason to be angry recently, I will share in another thread) - but anger with the whole situation. Even back in the day I wasn't angry "at" him, but "with" him - if that makes any sense. I was more angered by the fact that he and his wife didn't just handle their business - as I "blame" both of them for the situation that they are in.

 

Thanks for the response...

[AnotherRound]

I didn't read the earlier writings. But guessing perhaps the lack of anger was that it appeared MM was working his way toward you again, and things were good, rather than the (appearance of) stagnant state at this time.

 

The lack of anger was due to being removed from him for a year and a half, at my own choosing. I ended it with him early last year, and only came here when he contacted me asking me to see him again after the divorce. I had already worked through the anger - If you could have heard me then, wowsas, lol.

 

And honestly, it was never anger about him not being with me - it was more anger that he and his stbxw would not just handle their business. I hate to see anyone living their one life miserably - but especially have a low tolerance for people who do so and complain about it - but do NOTHING to change it.

[AnotherRound]

It's not rare to wake up in the emotional state we were last dreaming in. What we your dreams about, do you remember?

 

Ah, this I'm familiar with. I do a lot of journaling, and a lot of it is dreams. I have had nightmares since I was a very young child, and even remember a lot of them from as early as age 3. I have extremely vivid and realistic nightmares, and night terrors, often. So, when I wake up, I journal them. So yes, I do know what the dreams were about. And exMM was in them, but he wasn't the "bad guy" in this particular set of dreams.

 

My mother's husband at the time of her death, murdered her. My Mom and her husband were in the dream - and my mom's husband was attempting to "mess with" me, as he did in real life. He was a pedophile - and everyone knew it except my Mom (not her fault, she had a brain injury from years before after a terrible automobile accident that left her with no short term memory - she was easily manipulated by him after that). I was 11 when they started dating, and a miniature version of my Mom, which he honed in on immediately. He messed with me for the entire time I was a minor - until I could free myself from the situation - and in the meantime, turned my Mom against me as he had her convinced that I was the one causing the problem, not him. *sigh*

 

So I was angry when I woke up - bc of my mom's husband. He was manipulating my Mom in the dream, and exMM was there to "save" me. How textbook is that? Ugh. When I was a kid, nobody saved me - I fought for myself, and figured it out myself, and had to learn very quickly how to handle an adult man to survive. It makes me sick just to type that out.

 

So, maybe it wasn't anger at exMM at all - but just the anger I felt during the dream at my mom's husband - and then the anniversary coming up of when he murdered her. She was 37 years old when he killed her. And I AM angry that I don't have her bc of him.

[AnotherRound]

That's a lot of heavy stuff AR...sorry about all of that. I do think it makes sense that perhaps your anger and discontent aren't about him per se but as you said, your trauma history and abusers and I do think many times our romantic relationships mimic some of these not so good patterns. I know for me, I played out of how I felt about my dad in the men I dated. I didn't realize this was what I was doing...and when I did, I was thoroughly sick to my stomach and ANGRY! I felt angry at them, my dad and myself. I remember I was dating one guy, who was falling short in what he could offer and who was emotionally unavailable and otherwise unavailable (which was the pattern I've inherited and have been working on, which manifested itself in always dating men who were unavailable: whether committed to someone else already or who were single but emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable) and that's when I started realizing the pattern and where it stemmed from ---- I got so fed up with him! I just felt like all my effort and romantic notions were pointless because he was still some emotionally unavailable guy who didn't see I was worth it. I really allowed myself to just cry and admit and own those feelings. That's so important IMO. Most of us simply ignore and say "I'm good..whatever" and plow on through dragging the baggage of those feelings with us like nothing is wrong. When I stopped to admit I didn't like it, it was my pattern and it was self-sabotaging and ultimately unfulfilling and that i didn't really know what to do about it...I just cried about it. It wasn't a pity party. It was letting my inner child cry and feel so that as a grown woman, I could start moving forward.

 

I'd love to do a trauma test. But I imagine anger is a normal feeling in such processes and I think that kind of assessment opens you up to just realizing what's not fair, who are the people who've hurt you and makes you super intolerant of any situation in the now that even vaguely reminds you of it. I makes sense that dealing with an A relationship, some of those feelings of being hurt/not feeling like enough/not being valued/not getting what you deserve etc. might arise and look familiar.

 

I do wish you healing and happiness. There are no sorries that can take away those pains and I can only imagine about your mom ....yet I do hope that you do gain true peace and healing from it all.

 

Thank you. I have delved into my daddy issues - picked them apart, and have no denial that I have them. I think the issue for me is that I had a Gfather who I was very close to (raised by my maternal g-parents) who was emotionally unavailable - but very loving. I know that's unusual - but he was such a good man. He just didn't show emotions - grew up in the depression, strong man. I only saw him cry when my mother died and when we lost my grandma and his mother. He told me, at age 21, for the first and only time ever that he loved me.

 

So, my struggle is - who is truly emotional unavailable? Are they that or are they just a strong stoic man like my Gpa? Gpa's well ran deep - he just didn't show it. I have always thought that exMm is the same in that regard - and I could be wrong, but it's what I've always felt for him.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I will be fine - I always am. It's just a project sometimes, working through all the crap that was thrown at me as a young person. I don't wish it away, I'm glad that I've learned from it - just this time of year, it weighs heavy on my mind. And it permeates everything that I do and love this time of year. I think exMM is maybe just an innocent bystander this time around and was getting my flack bc I had not outlet for it...

[AnotherRound]

I'm really sorry about your mom. I can relate. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

I'm sorry that you can relate - I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but appreciate your kind words. Things will get better, they always do - just the rise and fall of life. It's just hard to not let it affect everything in my life on these days - I'm always glad when October is over so that I can have a year of relief from it...

[AnotherRound]

I would say that it's the trauma assessment, your mother's death anniversary, and some things about him reminded you of certain people that you had to deal with regarding your past traumas.

 

Agree. Not sure that now was the "best" time to do the trauma assessment, but I wanted to try it out before I present it to any of my clients. I am a stickler about that kind of thing, that I don't ask them to do anything that I haven't done - and, it lets me know the effects of it first hand. Actually, from my reaction, I now know that one of my clients would be harmed more than benefit at this time - and will adjust my sessions with him accordingly. I am going to give him the assessment in small doses instead of all at once - then will gauge his reaction from there.

 

And I'm not sure who from my past exMm reminds me of - perhaps my father, which would be classic. But honestly, I think I was just mad at everyone. I even found myself being snappy with my best friend, and we have been best friends for about 8 years now, and never had an argument. Disagreed, yes, but never argued as we are just that in tune with one another. So, she and I spent some time together this weekend and discussed things, and it was balm for my soul. I'm feeling better now - no anger really, just sadness.

[AnotherRound]

Anger is a healthy emotion for injustices that were done to us. It's central in allowing us to put blame on those who have mistreated us. Without being angry we may take those feelings out on ourselves instead. That's not a good mental state to be in.

 

To not put anger where it properly belongs, we can also channel it out in other ways without it being filtered first. We react rather than act.

 

Chances are that if you haven't come to terms with all that the abuse has left you with and dealt with the feelings that are associated with it, then you are merely coping rather than being in control of your emotions from a clear state of mind.

 

Agreed somewhat. The problem for me is that there is SO much abuse that I haven't been able to work through it all. I may never get through it all honestly, it's overwhelming. I've worked through a lot of it - some of it (the murder of my Mother) is too big still - even with today being 16 years since it happened. All the dynamics involved are tangled and difficult to weed through - and so emotional.

 

This is why I always consider myself a work in progress. I have actively been trying to work through these things for my entire adult life. I have closed some chapters in a healthy way. Others, I'm just not ready yet. I am a big believer that we have to let our bodies tell us what we can handle constructively and what we can't. This one is too big still - one day, it won't be. For now, I am just coping with this one - and for now, that's all I can handle - at least according to my body.

 

I think the trauma assessment just made me realize that there are tons of small abuses (if there is such a thing) that I haven't consciously dealt with bc honestly, they seemed so insignificant in comparison to the "big" ones. So, those threw me for a loop. I literally had 3 pages of assessment before I stopped, and I wasn't even out of my childhood. Things that I had never considered to be abusive.

 

My plan at this point is to work through each of those, one at a time, and let them go. To clear up energy for the big ones. Maybe that's been my "block" all of these years for the big ones... It was pretty revealing, and probably just too much for this time of year.

 

Thank you for the thoughtful response.

[amaysngrace]

Anniversaries are in and of themselves emotionally trying times.

 

Just try and be kind to yourself right now. And try not to think too much, although that doesn't seem to be your nature.

 

You'll deal with all your crap when you're good and ready. For now maybe you should just try to switch over to autopilot.

 

Go easy on you.

[AnotherRound]

First part of it is posted in the Coping forum - as I thought that was the best place for it. For anyone interested, it is there. Shouldn't take too long to complete this part of it - half hour tops.

[Owl]

Have you considered that taking the trauma assessment might have caused you to (sub-consciously?) assess any trauma created/related to your relationship with MM? Or that you may now be sub-consciously considering possible traumatic outcomes of this situation you're in, either for yourself or for others?

 

People never feel a certain way or react to something for no reason. There's always a reason...people just tend not to spend enough introspection or have enough self-honestly to let them root out the reasons behind their actions or behaviors.

 

Wanted to bump up my thoughts in case you may have missed them in the shuffle.

 

Another thought on this...along the lines of "Physician...heal thyself!".

 

As a counselor/therapist, go back and re-read your opening post as though this were someone you didn't know, and had just met.

 

What do you see? What questions would you ask?

[UpwardForward]

The lack of anger was due to being removed from him for a year and a half, at my own choosing. I ended it with him early last year, and only came here when he contacted me asking me to see him again after the divorce. I had already worked through the anger - If you could have heard me then, wowsas, lol.

 

And honestly, it was never anger about him not being with me - it was more anger that he and his stbxw would not just handle their business. I hate to see anyone living their one life miserably - but especially have a low tolerance for people who do so and complain about it - but do NOTHING to change it.

 

M is Closed. It's pretty much the responsibility of the two in the union to work things out.

 

Should the OW use the vulnerability, I still don't consider her the victor.