Emotional breakdown?

[Daisy926]

I have posted here before and sorry this is long. I feel I am on the verge of a midlife crisis or emotional breakdown. My husband and I have been together for about 18 years- married only 4. I am 34.

 

We never had that spark probably due to how young we were. Friends/family said he wasnt the guy for me and I always thought our differences were good. At times over the relationship I knew it may not be what I wanted maybe I just was happy because I was in love. I can't answer why. I have noticed signs over the years that I wasn't happy but now I am at a point where I don't think I can go on with the relationship anymore.

 

Like I said I have had these thoughts every few years. Mostly as he is 4 years older but I have always been the provider -ff all these years and I feel taken advantage of. I feel this is not the life I want, I deserve more. I give and give but he will not emotionally and sexually he is just selfish. Sometimes I feel our relationship is the same as it was when we were teenagers and just hanging out was cool. He has never had steady steady work - right now he is but did not work the past 4 years. I am a workaholic. I just feel I work so hard for what - we can't afford anything and he doesn't seem to care.

 

About a year ago I did start an online emotional affair. Actually it is more a friendship as this person does not ask me to leave my husband and it is not like we are planning a life together at all. What it has done was show me that people can communicate. Husband and I never really talk and never really did.

 

I have started therapy and talked with friends. I am confident these feelings of wanting to end my marriage are not due to the EA as I have had them before and I feel the basic principles are missing in the marriage. To give you just 1 example:

 

He will not go to therapy. Says he doesnt want to break up but if I go I go what can he do. I have said how hard it is for me and he just says he doesn't care and wont talk about it. Then he guilts me by saying other people have left him (referring to relatives passing away) Well he knows I am depressed all I do is want to sleep - I try to talk to him and its like talking to a wall. Well last week was my birthday and it started with an attitude in the morning he went to work I was off, slept all day no happy birthday or anything. I wake up nothing... Finally I make a remark like well yeah thanks for the happy bday and he was already going out to the store. I go back to sleep wake up and find a cake in the refrigerator and he tries to come hug me with a bday girl like ribbon (99 cents store type) now I always complain all I want is a card. nope nothing not even sure he said happy birthday. To top it all off I lie to friends and family about how no we aren't doing anything for my bday today as its a work day we are going out over the weekend. I do this knowing they will forget and not ask again. It does however remind me that this is not normal and I do deserve better.

 

I do not think I am scared to be alone - although with this and realizing I am 34 I may never have kids (I know not to have them now) in fact I think I would be better off due to money,etc. I can get excited about a new life but can't seem to imagine the bridge getting there. I can't bring myself to actually end it.

 

I worry about logistics and if I have tried everything. I worry about what he would do where he will go.

 

There is so much more but I wanted to give the jist of everything...

 

I think about this 80% of my day. My plan was to work on me.. excersie, be social, etc but I feel staying is making me more depressed.

 

I don't feel good about breaking a marriage but I also want to be happy. When will I have the guts?

 

Top it all off with my job is not doing well (this is recent) and I think the company may close. I feel I am dealing with just so much stress I am going to expload.

 

Thanks for any support or guidance.

[TaraMaiden]

Stop.

Breathe.

 

You need to write things down.

Go somewhere quiet and make a list of things which are within your control, and things which are not.

Things you can have positive influence over, and things which are beyond your remit.

 

The first list may be shorter, but it will put things into perspective.

 

as I see it, from what you post, you're used to handling things. You're the active one and you cope.

Stop coping with everything. Don't busy yourself, or take responsibility for the things you DON'T have to do, or are not obliged to do.

Don't wish him into the man you want.

That's long gone.

 

If this is dead in the water, it's dead in the water.

 

File for divorce, tell him you're officially separated and do nothing more for him.

Not a single thing.

 

Work-wise, have a quiet word with your immediate boss and ask them what the situation is.

Prepare yourself, and look at your options.

But home-wise? make yourself the priority and act like the single person it sounds as if you already are.

[TaraMaiden]

I've been working on making my approaches more gentle, but yours (Just_a_Poster) beats mine into a cocked hat.

[Daisy926]

Thanks

 

I know you are right and I am not stupid it's just keep in mind I have been in this since 18, Im 34 now. Its just hard

[TaraMaiden]

So it's not a marriage.

it's a habit.

 

You need to beak the habit.

things don't have to be run this way....

There are other ways of living life.

you just need to find a new 'habit'.....

[Daisy926]

Yes but that doesn't make it easy. I am just not sure how to do it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm for working things out if possible first and giving your H a chance. Some things you said made me suspicious. I'm worried he doesn't really understand the situation (clearly he doesn't know about your EA).

 

...

At times over the relationship I knew it may not be what I wanted maybe I just was happy because I was in love. I can't answer why.

...

He has never had steady steady work - right now he is...

...

About a year ago I did start an online emotional affair.

...

He will not go to therapy.

...

now I always complain all I want is a card....

What were the good qualities in your husband that made you marry him?

 

If you want to work things out with him, don't lie to him. Actually don't lie to him either way. Tell him about the birthday thing. Don't tell him you just want a card for your Bday. That's a lie. Tell him about the EA, let him know how serious this is. You'll both need to work through this together. Right now he needs to know what he's facing, whether you stay together or not. Maybe with the truth he'd actually go to counseling with you. You did ask him to go with you didn't you? If you asked him to go by himself he may not even know what he is supposed to be talking about. My wife did the same thing to me and I also refused. Now marriage counseling with both of us is something I would have done easy, there I know what we are supposed to be talking about because my wife is there.

 

Make sure you really know why you are leaving. He is working now you said? How is that going? I know it's really important for a lot of women to have a husband that supports them. What have you said to him on this subject?

 

Have you talked with him about the problem with him being selfish in bed?

 

Obviously I'm trying to see this from the guy's POV. I know a lot of women think they are being communicative when really it's a lot of subtle hints that just don't get through. If you are having an EA, that's not exactly living an honest life. Please talk to him, clearly, plainly, honestly.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Daisy926]

Thanks. Well let me just run down the list of questions.

 

Yes I asked him to go to counselling together or alone - he will not

 

As far as what was special, honestly nothing. I do not mean that in a bad way. We have been together since I was 16, there was never a wow or wonderful moments. I know this is my issue. I think I liked the idea of being in love but there really was never any sweet things that happened or any type of dates, etc.

 

I can support myself and never need a guy to support me. My issue is I have put in pretty much 95% financially. He in all the years I have known him has not ever really had stability in work. Now that I am older I worry about our future. I don't want to live this life - never having money, paycheck to paycheck.

 

We grew up differently. My family was by no means rich just average. He grew up in bad neighborhoods, broke most of the time. These differences should not matter but I see my life becoming something it doesn't have to be.

 

I am not trying to discount the EA. It honestly is more of a friendship - we don't even talk that much. I am not missing time talking to husband to talk to this guy. Not saying it is right but def not the cause of any of this.

 

As far as in bed - we don't talk about ANYTHING let alone that. I have said it but it won't change we just have no communication on anything. It is hard to explain that is why I refer to it as when you are a teenager.

 

I feel like sleeping all day, I wake up and he is smoking weed doing whatever and its like 2 separate lives. Right now he is doing his thing I am doing mine. I am just more alone than anyone can imagine. I am simply just not happy.

 

I am realizing I am no longer in love and not really sure if I ever was except the kind you feel when you are a teen. We started young, I went to college locally, he went to jail for 1.5 years. I am realizing now we have just 2 separate ideas of how we want to live life. It makes me feel awful but I just have nothing left in me to give.

 

I have done so much for him and I am not complaining, it is my own will that made me do that but I just am do drained emotionally and financially.

 

When I say I just want a card that is true. What I am saying is I do not need lavish gifts - make me dinner, talk to me something. I don't think you realize how it feels to be with someone for almost 20 years and maybe have received about 5 cards most of which weren't even signed.

 

I have told him about the bday card thing. He things trying to be sexual in bed is the answer - I just want it over with, I feel nothing. Now our anniversary is soon and I saw on the computer he ordered some chocolate covered fruit. Ok nice but I just don't think he gets it. He lacks any emotion and I do not feel I can live with this forever.

 

Sorry I just don't know what is wrong with me. I feel sick over it but its on my mind 24/7 and I just feel like sleeping all day and night and not facing reality.