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How to move on after he already has.


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Posted

Hi everyone!I have been on this site for the last week.I feel it has been a blessing to have found it.Several posts have given me strength through some long nights :)

 

My situtaion:

4 year relationship:Him 30,Me 29

(Him: fear of commitment?Me:Pissed off!)(Him:Galavanting around town Me:Laying in bed lol)Just not fair...

 

He broke up with me last month out of the blue .I didn't see it comming.I have sat back with a month to myself to think about it and to this day it's very confusing.2 weeks before he made the decision he had written me the most beautiful letter confirming his plans for our future and his feelings for me.His actions always backed up his words.He had me on a pedastool and simply adored me as did I.It was a mutual respect.

I have accepted that the relationship is over and slowly old habits are being replaced.However,I am wondering how is it possible to spend 4 years with somebody and confess your love both in word & action but wake up one day and give her "the boot" just like that? Without a decent reason and no solid answers.The way I look at:It's as if a switch went off in his head.For a while I convinced myself that he had a nervous breakdown.

He did it very cowardly over the phone(1 day after his cousin passed away-g-d bless)...and 2 weeks later he took off running into the arms of another woman. Maybe the grief of the passing of his cousin caused him to react.

 

At first I was shocked and trying to deal with the whole surprise of the breakup and before I made the slightest progress I see that he has already moved on.Feels like double the pain.

 

Just wondering what would cause somebody to act in such a cold,cowardly way and I am also wondering how I can deal with 2 shots back to back?How do some people move on so fast?

 

in hindsight he never really was the type to learn from relationships.Come to think of it, he doesn't waste too much time:sick:

 

Unbelievable how somebody you once shared everything with could turn out to be somebody you never even knew.The man on the phone that day was a complete stranger.(Tone of voice even the wording didn't sound like it was him)

 

Maybe it's best not to wonder why ...Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered.It's late and I came here to vent.

 

Any imput would be greatly appreciated:D

Posted

Sorry about your lost. The only thing I can think of is tell yourself you are moving on. Your emotions are not going to agree with your mind for a whole while. It's not going to happen overnight. Have patience and understand, it's a process to let it be

Posted

I can really really understand how you are feeling

And I am really sorry for you, because its the worse

Feeling ever, trying to understand why this person

Left at the drop of a hat, it happened to me 8 weeks

Ago just come back from holiday from Spain

We had a really smalle fallout, 2 days later

I get a text "calling it a day" that's all I was

Worth to her, a text

 

This women I loved and adored cancelled me like I

Was nothing,these sort of people they wake up

Oneday and think, I don't want this anymore

And switch it off, like a light, selfish un-caring

Heartless people, they really don't know the

Devastation they have left behind or even care

You are really better off without this person

In your life just as I am better off without her

It is so hard when Someone just vanishes out

Of your life, 1 min they are there saying I love

You and the next they have gone, I can never

Understand people like this, I've never done

Or would be so cruel to do that to a person

They will go into other relationships and do the

Same thing,

 

Try to stay strong, I am really trying too

Your not on your own :)

  • Like 1
Posted

My ex moved on before we even broke up. After we broke up, he made fun of me because it had been three months and I hadn't moved on. He pretended that he started seeing someone a week after we broke up. In reality he was cheating on me with her. He tortured me with info about their wedding 5 months after we broke up. The weddning never happened. My ex continues to jump from woman to woman, never looking back or taking responsibility for the destruction he causes.

 

I've left him over a year ago, went NC about a year ago and have been total NC without any breaks for over 6 months. I still have not moved on. But that's okay. I'm not him. I'm me. The couple's therapist told me my ex has no conscience. Well I do. And I have a heart. I opened up my heart to that man and he took great pleasure in trying to destroy it. It's okay that he moves from woman to woman and I have had no dates. I don't want dates.

 

I went on dating sites to just start talking to men, not to date. I informed the men of this but I still got asked out. I refused. I left the dating services. And it's okay. I'm okay with my decision not to date because I'm not ready. I'm not even ready to seek men out as friends or let them seek me out.

 

I have a lot of healing to do and I'm okay with that. I have things to work on in myself and I'm okay with that. I tried to bum-rush the healing process. It's good to be proactive in healing, but I tried to rush it. So I took a step back. I hurt. I ache. My ex damaged me, but I'm going to be okay. One day I will be healed but it's going to take a very long time. I'm okay with that, because I'm different, because I'm stronger.

 

Take your time. Don't worry about him moving on. Focus on you. Let yourself heal. Take care of you.

Posted

You will probably never know what was going on in head, if anything at all, for him to do this. And really, who cares? I know you horribly do right now, but give yourself to heal, work on yourself, and just have some faith.

 

All I can say is that you do not want to be with someone who would do this to you, and that you deserve much, much better. Take him off his undeserving faux little pedestal. In fact, just kick it over, then back over a few times in your car for good measure.

 

Just echoing others -- it's not a race or competition to see who can "move on" first.

 

Just concentrate on you and growing as person.

 

This may sound silly, but you've been handed a gift. Although painful right now, it's a very likely blessing in disguise.

 

Good luck.

Posted

YouOuttaKnow, you are doing great. The way you are looking at everything so rationally is really healthy. i think you can see that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. The issues are with him. See it for what it is....

He is not "moving on" in any sort of way that is productive and will continue to take unresolved issues into the next relationship. He feels lonely and needs the security of having someone, anyone, rather than dealing properly with the loss of you. It will bite him in the arse eventually.

 

Focus on you... Look after you. Spoil yourself and don't beat yourself up. Take your time to think and feel through everything you need to to resolve things for yourself and let go of this relationship.

 

Things are still really fresh for you and there is no hurry to "move on".

 

Are you in N/C?

Posted

My ex left me same way, totally out of the blue. Everyone says sure there must have been red flags and maybe tiny ones but nothing huge, I don't think he even knew. Unless I find out something down the line I don't know. It's been 5 months and I am a lot better but not over it by far, I want so badly to be over it. I tried dating and it made me worse but I am not giving up!

 

Anyway, what can make someone just up and leave when they made all these promises ? I have no idea even as he was leaving he told me he was still so in love with me and would be miserable without me then he shut the door.

Posted

OP, are you sure this other woman didn't enter the scene in some way before he ended it with you?

Posted

This may sound silly, but you've been handed a gift. Although painful right now, it's a very likely blessing in disguise.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I agree. I could have moved in with a sociopathic-narcissitic *****. I actually could have moved in with this humanoid or have gotten pregnant by him. I could be connected to him for the REST of my life. He treated me so badly and emotionally tortured me so much that I never want anything to do with him again. He treated me so badly I desire nothing to do with him. Thank goodness. We need to keep bad bfs out of our lives. He was so sure that he was going to make it with woman that he stopped play acting and instead became very, very cruel towards me. It's good when you can see bad people for what they really are. She cheated on him as well.

 

One day you will be relived that you can see this creep for what he really is. One day this creep will be nothing more than a memory. You'll see.

  • Author
Posted

9Lives:Thank you for your kind words;)The emotions vs the mind proves to be the biggest battle...I am training my thoughts.Slowly but surely.Thank g-d for those psych classes.

 

stemac: It really is unbelievable that they could just "flick a switch" like that.I think that the hurt comes from us questioning our ability to judge and beating ourselves up for being so blind.The shock comes from the fact that we would never in a million years think to do somebody so dirty like they did to us.If somebody would have told me he had the ability to be so cold I would have faught them right till the end...because the sun shined over him in my eyes.You're so right in saying that they don't know the devestation they have left behing (One of the reasons I chose "YouOuttaKnow" as my user name)Such good lyrics such an amazing song! As sad as we feel,I am told that time & patience is our best teacher and hindsight will help us find some clarity that we are seeking.These people aren't worth out time.They took enough from us and it's time for us to stand tall.They can break our heart and leave us with a million questions but they can't take our Dignity & Self-Respect. I call him "little lion man" Keep your head up and please vent,vent,vent to me because I know I will need to do the same.These ppl r like Monkeys Swinging from branch to branch afraid to fall.We are the smart ones who are taking the time to sort through this sh$# in our minds.

 

CopingGal: Thank you for ur words of advice.I also went on a dating site just to regain some self-esteem from the blow he gave me.I found that on there it was almost like everyone there knew everyone there was thinking about somebody else....and the fact that he showed up as one of my matches made me delete my account asap lol can u imagine that.If that's one of the matches then I don't know what's what anymore.Just dirt.Keep ur head up and know your worth.You sound very strong and smart.

 

gamman: You made me lol You're so very right who cares what's going on in his head.My guess is he doesn't even know.He's undeserving of the credit I give him in my mind I wonder what cesspool I can toss these rose-colored glasses into.I'm trying to work on myself...somedays are good some are bad at my very best I'm surviving but you know what..I'll take that for now:)

 

Million.to.1: Thank you :) Maybe it's because I had an OK day today tomorrow who knows.Know what I mean?The emotions are just so unpredictable.I have been NC since the day he walked away.Never in a million years would I want him to know the control and hold he had over me by his decision.Many times I wanted to hear his voice but I knew how hard that would hit me and set me back.He doesn't even deserve that.It's very possible that there was another woman before he left me. I didn't see it now but looking back there were some red flags but boy was he good at covering up,He isn't productive you're soo right in saying that.He has a pattern which I only see clearly now.From one to the next without looking back.I don't think he ever matured emotionally.I wonder why it is that we don't trust out gut.He confused me though,between words & actions.This makes for a lot of sifting.4 years every single day with the same man...seems like such a waste.

 

pathetic1999: You are not pathetic not in the least.He is!There's an old maritime saying that goes like this "Everything comes out in the wash" and "A New broom only sweeps clean at first"..I guess you weren't ready to date but props to you for trying that takes alot of strength!I know I couldn't do it...not yet.I think as time goes on things will start to make sense...doesn't mean that all of your "why" questions will be answered but at some point what will make sense is taking care of yourself.Finding a good man that you deserve!like CopingGal said:

 

One day you will be relived that you can see this creep for what he really is. One day this creep will be nothing more than a memory. You'll see.

Posted
like CopingGal said:

 

One day you will be relived that you can see this creep for what he really is. One day this creep will be nothing more than a memory. You'll see.

 

Actually I meant one day you will realize that you can see this creep.....

 

I hope I actually wrote "realize" and not "relived" but I'm sure you get the message.

 

Also, Dear, you said you went on a dating site to raise your self-esteem. I'm telling you there are more healthier ways to raise your self-esteem. Try some of these things:

 

-Make a list of the things you like about yourself. A former therapist told me to add things when I'm having a bad day.

 

-Self help books really help

 

-Write in a journal about your desire to raise your self-esteem and try to think of healthy ways to accomplish it.

 

-Do something for charity. I love doing things like that. They raise my self-esteem

 

-Research websites that help raise your self-esteem.

 

Take care of you.

  • Like 1
Posted

My situation is different than yours (long marriage, she cheated, kids) but the same basic rules of healing and understanding apply. It's all about how you choose to deal. To do it right, you must apply some soul searching.

 

Example: I'm four years past my marriage break up. She was very cruel and I was a mess for the better part of a year. Weight loss, shattered self esteem, compound problems (financial issues, lost my dad) I traveled directly to the bottom of the pit. The only positive? I wanted to get out. Wanting that made me accept everything that had happened; her decisions and weaknesses, my failures and a desire not to repeat them.

 

About six months ago, my son was talking to me about his mom. When I asked how she was, he said she had 'moved on' from me and the divorce and was now happily dating. Before, I really would have felt that, but instead I laughed to myself. The truth is, she had 'moved on' while we were still married...with more than one man! It occurred to me then she had adopted my position and instead of facing the facts, she'd turned the tables and proclaimed herself healed from me! I knew then she was the same old girl I was married to. Justify and blame.

 

No worries. Work through your hurting and control the only thing you can control: you. "Everybody Plays a Fool" sometime. Learn and grow.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hello YouOuttaKnow

 

just seeing how you are doing, did you have a ok weekend?... I had a poor one

Exs weekend off, she would have been at mine :-(

 

been feeling it more and more lately, feeling of abandonment and its a a Horrible

feeling, I really believed she loved me, then just to walk away, was so simple

and easy for her, really plays with my mind, the Trust you give, the loyalty,

the genuinity, the love, and they rip it up like its old dirty rag,

 

Just glad i am not like these heartless users

  • Author
Posted

Hi stemac thanks for checking in.It's thanksgiving weekend here in Canada so it hit home pretty hard.First time in 4 years that I was without him.I found out that he spent the long weekend the way we used to (countryside in a cabin) How romantic!She may think she has found a real prize for now.Untill something goes wrong and he shows his passive agressive side.It's not easy giving thanks this weekend that's forsure!It is what it is.You know what helps a teeny tiny bit? Tyler Perry movies w/ Aunt Madea she had such a toug love approach to relationships u can't help but laugh. I hope tomorrow is a better day for u :)Remember that one day somebody will cherish the love we have to give and as for our ex's they will think about us/compare us when they look back but at somepoint when we look back we will thank them for walking away.These things do not go unnoticed !

Posted
The truth is, she had 'moved on' while we were still married...with more than one man!

 

Your ex-wife sounds like a buffoon:confused:

 

 

You have a good attitude though. Yes, we want to believe in our partners even if we shouldn't. Yes, "learn and grow." Excellent choice of words.

Posted
Hi stemac thanks for checking in.It's thanksgiving weekend here in Canada so it hit home pretty hard.First time in 4 years that I was without him.I found out that he spent the long weekend the way we used to (countryside in a cabin) How romantic!She may think she has found a real prize for now.Untill something goes wrong and he shows his passive agressive side.It's not easy giving thanks this weekend that's forsure!It is what it is.You know what helps a teeny tiny bit? Tyler Perry movies w/ Aunt Madea she had such a toug love approach to relationships u can't help but laugh. I hope tomorrow is a better day for u :)Remember that one day somebody will cherish the love we have to give and as for our ex's they will think about us/compare us when they look back but at somepoint when we look back we will thank them for walking away.These things do not go unnoticed !

 

 

Glad your ok ish :) YouOuttaKnow

 

Yes It must be really hard at the moment, thanks giving

Weekend wel,l what I know of it as I'm from the uk

It's a time for family and loved ones, so must be horrible

Time knowing about him, yes you are truly right 1 day

It will come home to them, but they had there time it's

Come and gone, we will grow from this, I believe

We climb levels in life, in love and feel and know what

Real love meant to be, these's people who left and did it

So easily are on the same level they have always been

On In life, and will continue through life from 1 person to the

Next, I am heart broken and hurt to hell and back. But

Thank god I am not like them :)

 

Keep chatting

YouOuttaKnow

Your not on your own

Posted
Your ex-wife sounds like a buffoon:confused:

 

You have a good attitude though. Yes, we want to believe in our partners even if we shouldn't. Yes, "learn and grow." Excellent choice of words.

 

She might be a buffoon, but she's an attractive one. She has all kinds of men chasing after her, or so I hear.

 

The point is, we have to move on, even if our exes try to take from us the only thing we can claim as a positive from their rejection; our healing. Once you get to the point of indifference, you're free to live and love again.

 

The saying "Truth is stranger than fiction" really is true. It's a huge challenge, but it isn't impossible. If you want to be happy, you can be.

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