Mental disorders really screwing with me.

[emotionsickness]

It's been 1.5 months since the break up and 2 weeks since I moved out and saw him last. Here's the details.

 

I've been in my pajamas 24/7 since moving into my current home - changing out of them only twice and both of those times were for doctor appointments and running errands afterwards. I don't seem to wake up or get out of bed before 4pm anymore. I've showered and washed my hair once. Sometimes I'll go a day or two before remembering to just brush my teeth or wash my face. I'll eat breakfast but I'm lucky if I eat anything else for the rest of the day besides maybe a granola bar or some crackers. I've probably lost about 10 lbs. The only thing that I haven't stopped doing is taking my medication.

 

I've tried to keep myself busy by unpacking and decorating, and it's this area that the lack of motivation is actually a good thing because at least until I'm done, I have something to do. I used to love to watch movies or TV shows on Netflix. I have TONS of books that I've either already read and could read again or haven't even read yet. I have beads and supplies to make jewelry and used to enjoy that, too. But I just don't want to do anything. I'm surprised I'm even getting out of bed.

 

It's been an uphill battle dealing with and getting my mental disorders under control. I've been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety (general, social phobia, panic disorder), ADHD and OCD. I was doing really good. Even after the break-up, because I was still living there (he let me stay until I found somewhere else) I still managed to keep things together. But once I moved out, it's like I can't function. I spent the first week crying for the majority of the day, every day. Now I feel like I don't even have any more tears.

 

Besides trying to busy myself, I've started journalling. I have one for me, and the other is where I sort of write to my ex - all the things I want to say to him, venting, questions, just anything when I think of him to let out the emotion.

 

I've never been this bad after a break-up. Like. Ever. Even when I've been dumped like I was with this one. I'm scared that one day I just won't want to fight anymore and will just give up. And yes, I've talked to both of my therapists since the break up and don't see my psychiatrist until the 25th.

 

I don't know what to do :/

[CC12]

Here's my completely non-professional advice. Make some rules and a daily routine for yourself.

 

-Set your alarm for 9am (or whatever) and immediately get out of bed.

-Immediately after getting up, take a shower and brush your teeth and put on real clothes, not pajamas.

-Eat breakfast then go for a walk. If you can't walk or do some other physical activity, sit outside for 20 minutes and get fresh air and look at birds and stuff.

-Be sure to eat three meals a day, even if you're not hungry. Drink a protein shake or something if you can't eat.

-Clean your house.

 

Do not let yourself even think about not doing any of these things. Don't waffle, don't hem and haw, don't say, "I'll do it later," don't talk yourself out of it. Just start doing these basic things every morning. You can modify the routine to better suit you, and start adding things to it once you're doing the basic stuff.

 

I've been where you are (almost) and it's really easy to just not give a **** about hygiene ("Who cares? It's not like anyone's going to see me anyway.") and let yourself go to waste. But you really will feel better after taking care of yourself in the most basic ways. And if you don't immediately feel better, then at least you're not spiraling downward as much.

 

I'm not saying this is going to cure your depression, or any of your other issues, but waking up at 4pm, not eating, staying in pajamas, not showering or brushing your teeth - that's going to keep you feeling terrible. You're not even giving yourself a chance to feel okay.

 

Take care of yourself.

[emotionsickness]

I've been trying to do that. Wrote down some accomplish-able goals (like not sleeping past 1pm and going to bed no later than 3am and actually eating, etc). Hung them above my night stand. Tried setting the alarm on my phone. I'll go into the bathroom and just stand there before walking out without doing a damn thing. Motivation is a huge factor when it comes to my disorders. I can't 'make' myself do stuff if I don't have the motivation to do so. I can 'make' myself do certain things I don't want to - it's not about not wanting to or not doing things I don't want to. It's just like.. you can't really make your car do anything without gas. I started taking Vyvanse for my ADHD and we'll probably up the dosage yet again (started on 20mg, went to 30 and now I'm on 40).

 

The problem is that if I -do- get dressed or take a shower or whatever, it's almost more depressing for me because it's like I did it all for nothing. I -love- putting on makeup and putting together outfits. But it's extremely depressing for me to do that stuff and then not have anywhere to go or a real point in it.

[todreaminblue]

I've been trying to do that. Wrote down some accomplish-able goals (like not sleeping past 1pm and going to bed no later than 3am and actually eating, etc). Hung them above my night stand. Tried setting the alarm on my phone. I'll go into the bathroom and just stand there before walking out without doing a damn thing. Motivation is a huge factor when it comes to my disorders. I can't 'make' myself do stuff if I don't have the motivation to do so. I can 'make' myself do certain things I don't want to - it's not about not wanting to or not doing things I don't want to. It's just like.. you can't really make your car do anything without gas. I started taking Vyvanse for my ADHD and we'll probably up the dosage yet again (started on 20mg, went to 30 and now I'm on 40).

 

The problem is that if I -do- get dressed or take a shower or whatever, it's almost more depressing for me because it's like I did it all for nothing. I -love- putting on makeup and putting together outfits. But it's extremely depressing for me to do that stuff and then not have anywhere to go or a real point in it.

 

 

I have been through this a few times...I normally end up being carted to hospital....i have compounded mental illness schizo affective disorder and chronic"clinical" depression i have signs of ptsd...that is not diagnosed dont discuss it with shrinks.....i know i have it though....the thing that motivates me is prayer.....and my faith......even in hospital when they had me zombie like and i hated it i was able to pray......in a lot of ways my faith has been my core and my heart..........i have to believe that one day i wotn have this mental illness to contend with that i will always have hope that for me this life doesnt end with a full stop here.....everything that has happened or will ever happen to me will be all worth it......we discussed this very thing at church today.....the church i have found has lifted me in many ways....i feel like i am home.....dont totally feel like i belong there....because i haven't really belonged anywhere including home....they are wonderful people though

 

mental illness separates adn isolates you even more and its easy for people to say do this and do that....its not that easy when you have mental illness to contend with....i push myself...and i mean shove myself out the door......its quite easy for me to hide....i try and speak up, i try to express how i feel to others these are all baby motivators....things that make me feel good after i do make that effort...no matter what the outcome good or bad i keep trying....i am doing so without medication......the medication side effects for me was weight gain, anxiety hopelessness, nausea. dizziness, cotton mouth, cotton brain in the morning dead sleep passing out frustration because those side effects enhanced my depression.....thats called a rock and a hard place with me stuck right in the middle..... they have trialed me on many meds....i have done my rounds with medication im relying on faith exercise and my hope that i have always had that this life is just a learning curve........i have a purpose.......maybe it is to give you hope if i can get motivated so can you...you have a purpose you will feel better and yes you can do it but its bloody hard..it will never be easy ..dont give up..ill say a prayer for you and i wish you hope.....you have to keep it...its not returnable.......hugs......deb

[CC12]

I can't 'make' myself do stuff if I don't have the motivation to do so.

 

I was worried you were going to say this. I think I understand it. It's probably frustrating to have people tell you, "Well, just do it! It's not that hard!" And you probably think, "No, I can't just do it. It is that hard." But here's the thing. We're not talking about you going out of your comfort zone and taking an acting class if you're shy, or going skydiving if you're afraid of heights. We're talking about basic health and hygiene, which you were (presumably) able to maintain well enough in the past.

 

How about this. The word "motivation" implies that you need a reason to do things, or that there will be some kind of tangible gain because of it. There's not really any obvious incentive to maintain your health, but to neglect that very fundamental thing is to give up on yourself. So maybe there's no immediate payoff. Do it anyway so that you're not giving up on yourself. You don't need a reward for brushing your teeth or showering or eating enough calories. You just do it because it's necessary.

 

 

The problem is that if I -do- get dressed or take a shower or whatever, it's almost more depressing for me because it's like I did it all for nothing. I -love- putting on makeup and putting together outfits. But it's extremely depressing for me to do that stuff and then not have anywhere to go or a real point in it.

 

Do that stuff and then figure out somewhere to go, maybe? Even if it's just to the corner store to buy a candy bar and say hello to the store clerk, or something. The point should be that you love to do it and that it's a creative outlet for you, which is always good, right?