M30USA Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Is it normal for a 30 year old mother of 2 young children to be escorted routinely to child drop-offs by either her mother or father...every time? There is no history of abuse from me to her. In fact, she is the one who assaulted me and was arrested. Her parents protect her and act like she's a fragile young child. They, not her, are the ones who communicate with me information about the children such as when they last ate supper, etc. I just find this very odd. Her parents act like they are overtaking her role as the mother. What are your takes on this?
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I think that even though it is very hard, and I understand that - she was your wife and those are your kids; it's your family - you need to start to learn how to distance yourself from things like this. It really is none of your concern whether her mom or dad go with her everywhere, etc. As long as your kids are loved and well cared for, I don't think that it matters to them whether their grandparents are deeply involved. The kids probably enjoy that. You really depict your wife as an evil maniac, but I tend to believe (always, regardless of genders) that there are two sides to every story. Maybe the divorce and all that lead up to it was very hard on her and she needs a lot of support herself at this time? Seriously, the fact that she hit you with a board tells me that she has problems. Perhaps she's leaning on her parents right now.
CC12 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 It's not really normal, no, but since arguments have gotten physical in the past, it's probably best that you two don't have much unsupervised interaction with each other. Maybe her parents are trying to protect you by eliminating reasons for her to contact you. In any case, if her parents are good people, then I think this is a positive thing for you. Would you really rather deal with your ex instead of her parents?
Woggle Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 No offense but from what you describe it sounds like she acts like one. 2
RAN65 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Why don't you sit across the table with her Parents & sort the probelm out ?
Author M30USA Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Why don't you sit across the table with her Parents & sort the probelm out ? Been there, done that. Impossible. They subscribe to the philosophy that, no matter what happens in a marriage, it's BOTH parties responsibility. This SOUNDS great, but they don't believe in the idea of individual accountibility. If their daughter does something bad, well, then it's equally MY fault for either MAKING her do it or ALLOWING her to do it. Sorry, that doesn't fly with reality. But when it's ME who is the one who does something less than perfect, well, then of course they say it's ME who has the problem. Double standard. That's why I gave up talking wih them about our issues. It's like talking to a wall.
Author M30USA Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Maybe her parents are trying to protect you by eliminating reasons for her to contact you. I've thought that, too.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Been there, done that. Impossible. They subscribe to the philosophy that, no matter what happens in a marriage, it's BOTH parties responsibility. This SOUNDS great, but they don't believe in the idea of individual accountibility. If their daughter does something bad, well, then it's equally MY fault for either MAKING her do it or ALLOWING her to do it. Sorry, that doesn't fly with reality. But when it's ME who is the one who does something less than perfect, well, then of course they say it's ME who has the problem. Double standard. That's why I gave up talking wih them about our issues. It's like talking to a wall. Well … perhaps they are under the impression that you actually DID make some contributions to the demise of your marriage. Could this be the case? I don't think it's your responsibility or fault that your wife beat you. But I am suspicious about the way you never mention any shortcomings of your own in your many threads here. Zero.
Author M30USA Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 (edited) Well … perhaps they are under the impression that you actually DID make some contributions to the demise of your marriage. Could this be the case? I don't think it's your responsibility or fault that your wife beat you. But I am suspicious about the way you never mention any shortcomings of your own in your many threads here. Zero. I described my shortcomings in detail in my original thread about my separation/divorce. I had a porn problem (which she didn't approve of), and I had cursed at her several times. I've never hidden them. The general feedback of the responses I got is that, while I've made mistakes, they are highly overweighed by hers and how she's reacted to anything I might have done. I've read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I suspect that what she's been doing from the beginning of our relationship is distort the facts to her close family network...so that when she started to do bigtime crap to me, they didn't react much because they assumed I was doing the same. This apparently is classic Borderline tactic. Edited October 7, 2012 by M30USA
Balzac Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 She is who she is. Perhaps your real core concern is the influence of the dynamic on your children? I mean to say that kids learn from "logical consequences". Is your exW an only child? Does she live w her parents?
CC12 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I described my shortcomings in detail in my original thread about my separation/divorce. I had a porn problem (which she didn't approve of), and I had cursed at her several times. I tried to find your original thread with the details, but I was unsuccessful. So how bad was the porn problem, and under what circumstances did you curse at her? I've read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. Has she been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by a medical professional?
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I described my shortcomings in detail in my original thread about my separation/divorce. I had a porn problem (which she didn't approve of), and I had cursed at her several times. I've never hidden them. The general feedback of the responses I got is that, while I've made mistakes, they are highly overweighed by hers and how she's reacted to anything I might have done. Okay, I read it. I think you are right that you two weren't compatible. I hope you will learn how to stop blaming her and comparing her wrongs with yours. I imagine that you both played major roles in ruining your marriage. It's time to let go of all the blaming and resentment and figure out how to co-parent successfully. That means moving near your kids. Focus on that instead of how much you think your ex wife screwed you over. You can't change that. You CAN be a good and present parent.
wow04 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 It is a little odd that her parents are with her, but you can't change that. Why don't you talk to your ex instead of her parents? If you ask when they ate last ask the ex wife. You can also say these are our children and we will discuss the children. I had a similar issue with my oldest child's dad and grandma. When I finally quite talking to the grandmother and would only communicate with him, it was totally different. Up until he decided he didn't want anything to do with our daughter all communication was between him and I.
Author M30USA Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 It is a little odd that her parents are with her, but you can't change that. Why don't you talk to your ex instead of her parents? If you ask when they ate last ask the ex wife. You can also say these are our children and we will discuss the children. I had a similar issue with my oldest child's dad and grandma. When I finally quite talking to the grandmother and would only communicate with him, it was totally different. Up until he decided he didn't want anything to do with our daughter all communication was between him and I. That's a good idea. But I always see her parents at drop-off and they're always trying to communicate info to me on her behalf, or get info from me regarding the kids. Maybe I should just restrict it to a "hello" and literally nothing else. Me and ex are not on speaking terms. All communication is electronic and it's ONLY regarding the kids.
Author M30USA Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 That means moving near your kids. Focus on that instead of how much you think your ex wife screwed you over. You can't change that. You CAN be a good and present parent. I am currently deciding whether to stay here or move closer. I will do what I believe is in the best interest of the children. It's not as simple as it sounds. I don't want to reveal more info due to the rare possibility that she might be eyeing my posts. (By the way, anyone else notice that the acronym for "best interest of the children" is BIOTCH? I heard someone say this in jest considering that it's usually assumed that everything the MOTHER says, not the dad, is in the best interest of the kids.)
Trimmer Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) That's a good idea. But I always see her parents at drop-off and they're always trying to communicate info to me on her behalf, or get info from me regarding the kids. Maybe I should just restrict it to a "hello" and literally nothing else. Me and ex are not on speaking terms. All communication is electronic and it's ONLY regarding the kids. Is it possible, because you and the ex are not on speaking terms, that perhaps her parents communicating directly with you is, indeed, in the best interests of the children? Other than the fact that it irritates you about what it means regardign your wife, is it a problem? Are her parents communicating useful, functional information about your kids? Schedules, timing, plans? If they are communicating with you, while you and your wife are not capable of communicating easily, is it possible that this is really the best thing for the kids right now? If so, then the answer to "why are they doing this?" may well be that they are doing this because it's best for the kids. Edited October 9, 2012 by Trimmer
Author M30USA Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Is it possible, because you and the ex are not on speaking terms, that perhaps her parents communicating directly with you is, indeed, in the best interests of the children? Other than the fact that it irritates you about what it means regardign your wife, is it a problem? Are her parents communicating useful, functional information about your kids? Schedules, timing, plans? If they are communicating with you, while you and your wife are not capable of communicating easily, is it possible that this is really the best thing for the kids right now? If so, then the answer to "why are they doing this?" may well be that they are doing this because it's best for the kids. You are correct. But that brings me to my initial point that her parents treat her like a child. Only a child, who is incapable of controlling their emotions, needs someone to represent them in such a fashion. It goes beyond this. Her patents have always compensated for her immaturity. When she smashed a dozen dishes in our kitchen, I refused to pick up the pieces out of mere principle, but her mom came over and cleaned them up FOR her. This is what I mean
Trimmer Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 You are correct. But that brings me to my initial point that her parents treat her like a child. Only a child, who is incapable of controlling their emotions, needs someone to represent them in such a fashion. It goes beyond this. Her patents have always compensated for her immaturity. When she smashed a dozen dishes in our kitchen, I refused to pick up the pieces out of mere principle, but her mom came over and cleaned them up FOR her. This is what I mean Yeah, fair points. I wonder if it was a developmental issue along the way. Most kids eventually go through a stage of separating emotionally from their parents, in terms of establishing an independent identity that they can then carry forward, maturing along the way into a somewhat fully-formed adult. An adolescent that can't accomplish that (possibly impeded by parents who can't/don't allow it to happen) can end up stuck in this kind of an enmeshed relationship. Is it because she just isn't capable of being an adult and standing on her own, thus her parents have to step in and back her up, or is it because they never "let her go" and didn't allow her to accomplish that separation and maturity on her own? Who knows, but it's probably a hard cycle to break because at this point, it just feeds on itself, doesn't it?
Author M30USA Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Yeah, fair points. I wonder if it was a developmental issue along the way. Most kids eventually go through a stage of separating emotionally from their parents, in terms of establishing an independent identity that they can then carry forward, maturing along the way into a somewhat fully-formed adult. An adolescent that can't accomplish that (possibly impeded by parents who can't/don't allow it to happen) can end up stuck in this kind of an enmeshed relationship. Is it because she just isn't capable of being an adult and standing on her own, thus her parents have to step in and back her up, or is it because they never "let her go" and didn't allow her to accomplish that separation and maturity on her own? Who knows, but it's probably a hard cycle to break because at this point, it just feeds on itself, doesn't it? Her parents (primarily her controlling mother) have stifled her personal maturity and autonomy. They have the mantra "family first" which, ordinarily, sounds great. Who doesn't value family? But then you realize they value family even above integrity, accountability, truth in court, and--most important here--the successful maturity of their daughter. They've always gotten her out if trouble and covered over her mistakes so that she's never had to deal with them. But they don't care. As they say, "family first".
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