Never Say Never Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I am grappling with the idea...... How is ending a R with a MM/MW any different than ending a R with a single person? Or marriage, for that fact........ Mystifying to me.......
veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Eviscerating. Gut-wrenching. Necessary for your own survival. Search the OW/OM forum for the word "ending" to read some past threads. Read on no contact too.
Silly_Girl Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I am grappling with the idea...... How is ending a R with a MM/MW any different than ending a R with a single person? Or marriage, for that fact........ Mystifying to me....... I found it much harder because my other romantic relationships had run their course and we'd found ourselves to be severely lacking in compatibility, or commitment. With ex-MM there was an extraordinary passion between us, and yet we could not be together. Despite being happier than we had been before, and loving each other deeply, we needed to split. I do not hide that I found that incredibly hard and upsetting indeed. 1
canuckprincess Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 The thought of ending a relationship with my mm is heart wrenching, thank god it's something I don't have to think about.
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. nothing is permanent, everything is ephemeral and transitory. In one way or another, it will end, somehow. The choice of ending it deliberately lies with the protagonists - any other ending brought about by outside circumstances, will hurt more, because it wasn't under the control of the AP and OW/OM. If you end it, you can to all intents and purposes face the emotional fall-out more easily, than if that decision was out of your hands. So - why are you 'grappling with the idea'...? 1
underwater2010 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Relationship with MM usually ends when his BW finds out. Then it is lights out and no contact. But an OW/OM knows that is a possibility. The bad part is that the OW/OM is usually emotionally invested at that point. It becomes a great shock when their MM/MW decideds to stay married instead of leaving. It hurts...but you also get to walk away and distract yourself. Relationship with single person usually ends when one or both parties realize that the relationship is going nowhere or toxic. There is usually a conclusion, some pain but you know what happened and what you/they did wrong. Marriages on the otherhand can involve kids, money, housing, cars and years of sacrafice. When an affair is involved there is lots of anger and hurt. There is still hurt in a mutual divorce where parties agree. You cannot just walk away in most cases. Ecspecially if there are kids involved. I guess it boils down to the fact that all of the above hurt to some degree. The degrees depend on who you ask. 1
Summer Breeze Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I am grappling with the idea...... How is ending a R with a MM/MW any different than ending a R with a single person? Or marriage, for that fact........ Mystifying to me....... I'm not trying to be difficult here but just reading some of the posts from OW who are going through their individual breakups at the moment pretty well answers that. Though your OP is worded perfectly well it comes across a little judgemental. Maybe it's the last line. I'll address that. I divorced a WS who cheated on me. I find it mystifying to read the stories of people who accept it and build a future again. I find it mystifying that someone could promise their spouse they've got their back and live a lie for months and years. I find it mystifying how people on all sides can be so blind. A lot of things mystify me and loads of other people but I understand it all and can respect people trying to make the most of their situations, no matter what 'most' looks like. My breakup with MM hurt but I had control of it. I ended it. I never got to the point that I lost my power so the decision was mine. He struggled but he knew what he was getting into too. I'm sorry if I misread your OP but it is how it came across to me.
SecretFlower Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Emotionally I think it's very similar. A break up is a break up and regardless if it is a relationship, separation, or affair it hurts all the same. Obviously, in a marriage there are legalities, but I also think that for me ending my affair was a painful as when my husband left me. Then again they are really my longest and most serious relationships I've been in.
Author Never Say Never Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 I found it much harder because my other romantic relationships had run their course and we'd found ourselves to be severely lacking in compatibility, or commitment. With ex-MM there was an extraordinary passion between us, and yet we could not be together. Despite being happier than we had been before, and loving each other deeply, we needed to split. I do not hide that I found that incredibly hard and upsetting indeed. I have to say, I completely agree!
Author Never Say Never Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. nothing is permanent, everything is ephemeral and transitory. In one way or another, it will end, somehow. So - why are you 'grappling with the idea'...? I agree with the progress of life's motion, and grappling was the incorrect word of choice-perplexed, perhaps. I'm starting to feel that it is the incompleteness of closure that makes it so difficult. I'm typically the strong, independent type...... Ending this situation has left me more biologically exhausted than prior R's. ending my LT M, was long overdue for many reasons. Never in my life, did I imagine I'd be in this situation. I tried ending it with MM since the day it started..... Finally, it is done through my unwillingness to continue with him remaining married--giving her (W) 3 "chances" through begging. I could not understand how someone could beg to stay married..... Then I realized I was no different in staying and waiting. Finito!
Author Never Say Never Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 I'm not trying to be difficult here but just reading some of the posts from OW who are going through their individual breakups at the moment pretty well answers that. Though your OP is worded perfectly well it comes across a little judgemental. Maybe it's the last line. I'll address that. I divorced a WS who cheated on me. I find it mystifying to read the stories of people who accept it and build a future again. I find it mystifying that someone could promise their spouse they've got their back and live a lie for months and years. I find it mystifying how people on all sides can be so blind. A lot of things mystify me and loads of other people but I understand it all and can respect people trying to make the most of their situations, no matter what 'most' looks like. My breakup with MM hurt but I had control of it. I ended it. I never got to the point that I lost my power so the decision was mine. He struggled but he knew what he was getting into too. I'm sorry if I misread your OP but it is how it came across to me. I love your honesty, thank you! And I love how many interpretations are evoked from the 7% of communication-verbally and contextually. I left, too (H for alcohol and MM for not leaving M as promised). I've never met someone whom I could connect with down to their very breath--and energetically...... Not sure if I can ever find anything even remotely close...... Perhaps, that is what I grieve........
Author Never Say Never Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 I meant to say that ending a marriage can be hell. However, I agree, many marriages are like hell. So why do so many MM stay? But, that is not the topic. I agree that ending an affair can be much more emotionally painful than ending a long term marriage. I am simply talking about emotions here. Many affairs end when the participants are in the heightened romantic stage. On the other hand many marriages end when the spouses cannot stand each other. The affair often ends because of a d-day, the married spouse won't leave etc. In other words the affair ends because of external forces that make the romance highly impractical. The marriage ends when there is no LOVE left so in essence it is a natural death. OTOH, the death of an affair is not natural. Furthermore, the affair leaves a sour taste because of things that never came to fruition. Lastly, the affair is much more addictive than an open relationship. I don't feel ALL affairs are addictive. Perhaps I'm naive on the subject..... I do have the ability to "cut bait" if needed...... I lead through my heart and check in with my head--sometimes delayed, in this case . But not to the extent of some. H was different. Special needs child was/is involved (stroke). Part of the fall of the M. Life's gifts to have such a child is very rewarding and not for the faint of heart. It leads to an unexplainable depth of life--no masks, purely authentic. 1
Mount Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Your answers make sense. I meant to say that ending a marriage can be hell. However, I agree, many marriages are like hell. So why do so many MM stay? But, that is not the topic. I agree that ending an affair can be much more emotionally painful than ending a long term marriage. I am simply talking about emotions here. Many affairs end when the participants are in the heightened romantic stage. On the other hand many marriages end when the spouses cannot stand each other. The affair often ends because of a d-day, the married spouse won't leave etc. In other words the affair ends because of external forces that make the romance highly impractical. The marriage ends when there is no LOVE left so in essence it is a natural death. OTOH, the death of an affair is not natural. Furthermore, the affair leaves a sour taste because of things that never came to fruition. Lastly, the affair is much more addictive than an open relationship. 1
kae Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 you think it`s `mystifying` to end a relationship with a married person??? wow.. i think it`s `mystifying` anyone can justify it nevermind letting selling oneself short. Love and Respect go together.. a cheater has no respect. if your relationship does materialize and he leaves her he still has no respect. Go luck living with that??! `mystifying`..WOW.. im lost.. planet earth is unusual!
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